why relationships end

Social exchange theory

Social exchange theory

Relationships are maintained through a cost-benefit analysis. In other words, the costs of the relationship must not outweigh the benefits.

This theory assumes that we are in a relationship only for the benefits and that if we experience too many "costs", we are out of the relationship.

Fatal Attraction Theory

Argues that what attracted us to our partner in the first place may end up being the reason that the relationship ends.

1. Fun to foolish. This was the most common fatal attraction process. In this case, the partner was initially seen to have an amazing sense of humor and fun to be with. He made you forget all of your cares and worries.  But then over time, if this remains a predominant part of their behavior, it can be seen that the person lacks maturity or "can't take anything seriously."  It may also be seen that humor is used to avoid solving problems in the relationship or, in the worst case, is used as a way to humiliate one's partner.

2. Strong to domineering. In this case, people are drawn to partners who show self-confidence and have strong opinions about life. They are seen as leaders and people who "know what they want in life." Later, however, the partner may be seen as uncompromising and authoritarian. In the worst cases, the partner may be abusive.

3. Spontaneous to unpredictable. This is when we are attracted to someone who lives in the moment.  They are not bound by lots of plans and are able to go with the flow. There is excitement in their spontaneity and lack of predictability. Over time, this may be seen as a lack of seriousness. There may also be frustration as a result of a lack of planning. In the worst-case scenario, this leads to cheating on the spouse and a lack of commitment.

John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

	Definition	Example
Criticism	Attacking your partner's character, usually to show that you are right.	"You always...", "You never learn", "Why are you so..."
Contempt	Attacking your partner's character with insult or abuse.  Seeing your partner as inferior.	Sneering, eye-rolling.  Using words like "ugly, fat, lazy."  Making jokes about your partner that humiliate or mock.
Defensiveness	Arguing against the concerns of your partner; seeing yourself as the victim.	"But you also do that.  Don't blame me."  "That's not true, you're the one..."  "It's not my fault."
Stonewalling	Withdrawing from the relationship to avoid conflict.	Silent treatment, changing the subject, physically leaving a conversation.

Flora and Segrin

Flora & Segrin wanted to test the role of the following variables in the well-being of a relationship:

• Common interests

• The desire to spend time together

• Negative feelings toward the partner

The sample consisted of 66 young couples who had dated for at least six months and 65 young couples who had been married for around four years. It was a longitudinal study, using self-reported data based on questionnaires and interviews.  They interviewed 262 participants about the emotional aspects of their relationship - for example, the degree of positive and negative feelings, contentment, or disappointment with their partner.

The researchers found that the most important factor that attracted the participants to their partners was the common interests and activities, as well as a desire to spend time together. This was particularly true for men, and, overall, it was more important than the degree of negative and positive feelings.

After one year, the couples were contacted again. None of the married couples had separated, but a quarter of the lovers had split up. Those who were still together were asked to fill out a new questionnaire to get an idea of their satisfaction with the relationship, as well as their personal well-being.

The researchers found a positive correlation between common interests, activities, and desire to spend time together in males.  For the women, there was also a positive correlation between common interests, activities, and desire to spend time together, but the most important factor in predicting satisfaction was the frequency of their own negative feelings they had felt at the beginning of the study.  The more negative feelings, the less satisfied they were a year later.

The research indicates that there may be a gender difference in men’s and women’s ideas of what constitutes a good relationship. Men seem to favor common interests and a desire to be together. For women, satisfaction with the relationship was to a large extent dependent on the degree of their own negative feelings about their partner.