christian families final

The healthy, holy opposite of the “deadly equation”?

Seeing others as fully human + realistic ideas about love and romance + Christian values = healthy intimacy 

What does Debra Hirsch mean when she says that “sexuality needs a chaperone”?

We can’t navigate the tricky terrain alone, we need Jesus as a mediator and the Body of Christ for accountability

What does Lauren Winner mean when she says that, “theologically speaking,” sex is meant to be “unitive, procreative, and sacramental”?

Sex unites two people(unitive) lead to children (procreative) and remind us of the promise we made to God to be faithful to one another (sacramental)

What is the “double-bind” women are put in, according to Marnie Ferree (in the book No Stones) when the culture and the church combine to send wrong messages about women and sex?

• “I must be good to be worthy of love.”​

• “If I’m sexual, I’m bad.”​

• “I must be sexual to be lovable.”​

• “I’m not really a woman unless someone desires me sexually or romantically

What are the three A’s of the internet that have made internet pornography such potent poison?

• Accessibility 

• Affordability 

• Anonymity 

What is the difference between the “institutional family,” the psychological family,” and “the pluralistic” family as William Doherty distinguishes them in The Intentional Family? 

• Institutional family: rural, pre-industrial, tight communities, men and women in defined gender roles, primary goals are stability and security and happiness is secondary 

• Psychological family: emphasis is on nuclear family rather than extended family, primary goal is satisfaction of individual family members, under influence of urbanization and individualism 

• Pluralistic family: Faced with the perceived inevitability of family breakdown, culture accepts different configurations of family as "a creative response to the modern world”​, includes blended families, one- parent families, cohabiting couples with kids, gay and lesbian couples

What is an “entropic family”?

• The opposite of the intentional family. It drifts with the current without a goal or a plan

• Contributing factors are lack of support for couples who want to make marriage and child- rearing work and hindrances to family rituals

What’s the basic difference between “parenting” as carpentry as opposed to parenting as gardening as Alison Gopnik describes it?

• Carpentry: outcomes- based; consider what material you’re working with, follow blueprint or design, measure twice, cut once to produce the product you envisioned. More control, more predictable outcome

• Gardening: create an environment in which children can  thrive. Less control, more risk, less predictable outcome

What two things do “Intentional Families” have to “tame”?

Time and technology

The 3 “C’s of building Christian character in kids

1. Conscience

2. Conviction

3. Commitment

Each letter of D.I.S.C. represents which temperament type?

• D : dominant; fast-paced, task-oriented

• I : influencing; fast-paced, people-oriented

• S : steady; slow-paced, people-oriented

• C : conscientious; slow-paced, task-oriented

What is the difference between an “authoritarian” and an “authoritative” parent?

• Authoritarian : Parents are extremely strict and place high expectations on children. They tend to focus more on obedience, discipline, and control, rather than nurturing their children.

• Authoritative : Parents are nurturing, responsive, and supportive, yet set firm limits for their children.

7 fundamentals of sexual intimacy from Debra Hirsch in Redeeming Sex

1. Sexuality is more than just physical. It is holistic, part of everything we are.

2. Sexuality is embodied.

3. Sexuality celebrates differences.

4. Sexuality is fractured.

5. Sexuality is deceptive.

6. Sexuality needs a chaperone.

7. Sexuality knows no age.

3 things the church gets wrong about women and sex according to Marnie Ferree in No Stones.

1. Women are inferior to men.

2. Sex is wrong.

3. Christian marriages don’t struggle with sexual issues

6 things Lauren Winner (and the Coxes) says we need to positively pursue purity.

1. A positive view of sex

2. A community

3. More than “Thou shalt not!”

4. We need to ask the right questions

5. We need to move beyond “purity culture”

6. We do need good boundaries

5 myths (versus the truths) about sex (from Andy Stanley and the Coxes)

1. Myth: Sex before marriage carries no baggage

   Truth: it does carry baggage

2. Myth: When I get married, I’ll behave

   Truth: your behavior won’t automatically change when you get married

3. Myth: Sex is something people know how to do naturally

   Truth: sex is something you learn and learning requires communication

4. Myth: Men and women experience sex in the same way

   Truth: most men and women don’t experience sex in the same way

5. Myth: “Safe sex” is sex that prevents pregnancy and STDs

   Truth: that may be safe for the body, but its dangerous for the soul. there is no casual sex

3 lessons “erotic imagery” teaches that we have to “unlearn”

1. One body isn’t enough

2. A real body isn’t enough

3. Your future spouse’s body won’t be enough

William Struthers on 4 criteria that determine if the behavior is compulsive or addictive:

1. An inability to choose whether or not to do the behavior

2. The behavior continues in spite of negative consequences of which the individual is fully aware

3. Thoughts preoccupied with the behavior consume a large amount of the person’s cognitive life

4. Inhibitions lowered to a level that would have previously been unthinkable

Patrick Carnes’ 3 elements of a sex addict’s faulty belief system

1. They don’t think about themselves as worthwhile persons

2. They don’t believe others would care for them or about them if they really knew them

3. They believe that sex is their most important need

Jay Stringer’s 5 factors on “How did I get here (to sexual addiction)?” with a brief phrase beside each factor that us you know what the author means by that term

1. Dysfunctional family system: look to the past not for excuses but to implement future change

2. Abandonment: lack of positive instruction about sex

3. Triangulation: child forced to mediate between parents in an unhealthy relationship

4. Trauma: unwanted sexual behavior reveals internal wounds

5. Sexual abuse: most significant predictor of sexual abuse was having been bullied as a child

Doherty (in The Intentional Family) believes family rituals accomplish what 4 important things?

1. Predictability

2. Connection

3. Identity

4. A way to enact values

List some of our 8 suggestions for disciplining children

1. Discipline ≠ punishment; discipline = training

2. Discipline is an act of love

3. Remember that you are in charge. Don’t be a control freak, but accept your responsibility.

4. Children crave the right kind of discipline.

5. Act instead of react.

6. Integrate discipline and faith.

7. Be creative.

8. Be consistent. Make sure the child knows what you expect and what to expect.

Write about some (that means at least four) of the five things the church gets wrong about sex according to the book, The Great Sex Rescue.

• Evangelicals emphasize wife’s obligation to not “deprive” her husband of sex 

• Their definition of sex is too much about intercourse, not enough about intimacy. Sex should be a physical expression of the intimacy of the whole relationship

• Too often perpetuates harmful gender stereotypes

  • All men use porn and women don’t 

  • Men always have higher libido than women

• Too often offers harmful prescriptions for young Christian men and women

  • Young women must be gate-keepers and he will push the boundaries toward sex

  • Young men portrayed as helpless and can’t control themselves

Outline and briefly explain Jay Stringer’s four suggestions for “How do I get out of here (i.e. unwanted sexual behaviors)?

• exercise attunement and containment in your relationships

• practice conflict resolution and repair in your relationships

• pursue strength and vulnerability in your relationships

• invest in community

What are some ways William Doherty says an “intentional family” can get to where they want to go?  We listed six of his practical suggestions in class. We’d be happy to see any four of those in your answer.

• Protect mealtimes

• Insist on participation in family outings 

• Family night 

• Limit extracurricular activities

Pick any four of Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families and briefly explain why the four you picked are important to you?

1. Be proactive: act on basis of principles rather than react due to emotion or circumstance 

2. Begin with the end in mind: What kind of adult should this child be?

3. Put first things first: make uncomfortable, selfless choices that go against the grain of our culture to actually prioritize family

4. Think win-win: parent doesn’t always win or always give in, but help and work together 

5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood: prevent miscommunication and misunderstanding 

6. Synergize: by learning to understand, even celebrate the differences, so that conflict and other challenges serve like vaccinations—they create a family immune system that prepares the family for greater challenges that may come

7. Sharpen the saw: invest in family renewal that is physical, social/emotional, spiritual, and mental 

How would you describe your own personality as a child using the D.I.S.C. system as Charles Boyd applies it to children? How did your personality either click or collide with the personality type of one or both of your parents? Be sure to use the correct D.I.S.C. description(s) for your parent(s), too.

I was a determined child. I was hardworking stubborn and tended to clash with my parents more than my siblings. My dad is a directive parent and my mom is more of a supportive parent. I clashed a lot with my dad because he was more strict and I didn’t like a lot of his rules. My mom was the one who would talk to me about emotional things and I would normally go to her with problems because I saw her as more supportive