Hope and Heartache Diner - Felix Lines for "Salty Gravy" Scene

Betty: Go Felix!

Oh crap. Hi! Hi. What can I - (clears throat) What can I get for you? Coffee?

Eric: Coffee.

Coffee! Coming right up. Where is the… Ah! There it is.

Eric: I don’t have all night kid.

Here you go. Cream and sugar are on the counter.

Eric: Where’s Loo?

She’s not here. I am Loo.

Eric: You’re Loo.

No, I mean, yes. Yes! I am Loo. Says so right here. Do you want something to go with that coffee?

Eric: I’m good.

Maude: Hey!

Yes, hi, what can I get you - coffee?

Maude: Why would I want coffee? It’s 11 o’clock at night. Do you want me to be up til dawn? Fries. Small fries. Gravy on the side. If you give me fries with gravy on top, I will send them back. And make sure I get fresh fries, don’t give me old fries. I’m warning you.

I’ve got this! One order of fries, gravy on the side!

Rat: What are you shouting for? I’m right here.

Huh?

Rat: Just give me the ticket.

Sorry. Hello, what can I-

Maude: Hey!

Hold on a second. Yes?

Maude: You didn’t take my drink order. I want water. Ice water. You have water, don’t you?

One ice water coming up.

Maude: Hey! I’m not finished. I want ice water, no ice.

Say again?

Maude: Ice water. No ice. I will send it back if I see one cube.

How am I supposed to do that?

Maude: Figure it out.

One ice water, no ice. I haven’t forgotten about you, do you want-

Eric: Hey kid. I want a burger.

Hold on. Yes?

Eric: I want a burger. You do them medium rare?

Rare? Like raw meat?

Eric: I didn’t say raw, I said medium rare don’t you know what that is?

Yes…?

Eric: You don’t sound so sure.

I am. Don’t go, I’ll be right there. One medium rare burger, you want cheese?

Eric: Grilled onions.

Really? Right. Onions, no problem. Burger, medium rare, grilled onions. Ok, hi, sorry to keep you waiting, what can I get you? Coffee? Slice of pie?

Shrug: Uh, Wiki said I should come.

Wiki? You’re one of Wiki’s? You are too late girl, too late. Why would she send another stray cat when she knows the place is closing?

Shrug: Stray what?

Unbelievable. Hey, where are you going?

Shrug: This isn’t going to work out.

Wait, wait, come back. Loo’ll kill me if I- wait, ok?

Shrug: You don’t want me here.

I’m a jerk. Come back and sit, sit down. Thank you. What’s your name? Ok, I’m going to call you Shrug.

Rat: Order up.

I’ll be right back. One order of fries, gravy on the side. Hi, ok, can we start again please? My name is Felix.

Shrug: Says Loo on the name tag.

I’m Loo for the moment. But I’m really Felix.

Shrug: I’m supposed to ask for Loo. Is she here?

Yes, no, you have to talk to me.

Shrug: You suck at talking.

Yeah. Ok. I’m going to get you a cup of coffee. Do you drink coffee? Great.

Rat: Order up.

Maude: Hey!

And you should have some pie. It’s the best in the city. One burger. There’s one slice left, Wiki would hate to have it go to waste.

Maude: Hey!

I’ll be right back. Is there something wrong with your fries?

Maude: This gravy is too salty.

It’s half gone.

Maude: Did you expect me to eat fries without gravy? Do something!

Shall I pick out the salt?

Maude: I can’t eat this.

Then stop eating it!

Loo: Here.

Is it less salty?

Loo: It’s exactly the same. Tell her it’s on the house.

Here you go, on the house. Ok, is everybody good? Are we all good?

Eric: Got ketchup?

Are you people never satisfied?! Sorry, sorry, yes, we have ketchup. We got it all. Ketchup, mustard, relish, hot sauce, steak sauce horseradish. It’s a cornucopia of condiments! Enjoy! Let’s start again. My name is Felix. You’re name is Shrug. Shrug is a good name. You’ll fit right in around here. Ok, so Wiki said you should come.

Shrug: I’m supposed to talk to Loo.

I am Loo.

Shrug: You’re not.

I’m wearing her name tag, so think of me as Loo.

Shrug: Is that Loo over there?

Yes, no, I’m running the counter. I’m Loo.

Shrug: You’re no good at it.

Clearly. I’m Felix, welcome to Duke’s, can I get you coffee, nope already did that. I’m… Felix! Well, I made you laugh. That’s something. Can I ask you a question? Not a life question.

Shrug: Ok.

How did you know you were ready? I’m supposed to be ready, but I can’t wrap my head around it. How did you know?

Shrug: Ready?

To come here. To change. Was it a click, did the sky open up, did you hear trumpets?