Damn Yankees Lola Lines 🤯🤯🤯

APPLEGATE:

Lola.

Hi ya, Chief.

Welcome to the nation's capitol.

Thank you, Chief.

Have a good trip?

Perfect. The plane crashed in Cleaveland.

Good, good. Now how about that job in Chicago?

Cleared the whole thing up before I left. I got the old boy to embezzle $100,000 and lost it for him at the racetrack. Then his wife left him and he took to drink. I told him I was through and he jumped out of the window. Twenty-second story.

That's high enough. That's fine.

Want me to try the Empire State on the next one?

I let this real estate genius trick me into an escape clause.

I never heard of it.

It slipped by me. I'm overworked.

I know, poor dear, election's coming up.

So when I made this Joe Hardy deal, I--

Joe Hardy?

That's his name.

Gee, they say he's great. Clarence just raved about him.

Who's Clarence?

You know--

(makes diving gesture)

I've got thousands of Washington fans drooling under the illusion that the Senators are going to win the Pennant.

Oh Chief, that's awfully good. There'll be suicides, heart attacks and apoplexy.

Just like the good old days.

For all I know he's sneaking out there right this minute.

Well don't worry, Chief, you know I'm pretty good at making men forget their wives. This is a routine case. I'll give him the standard vampire treatment.

There's not a homewrecker on my staff better than you, Lola. But this fellow's stubborn.

Oh, c'mon chief. You know I've got what it takes. Don't make me brag.

This is Joe hardy.

I have seen him from a distance.

And admired him.

You should not tell what I admire.

Well, it's certainly a pleasure to meet you.

Thank you.

Gee, where's my manners? Won't you sit down.

You are so polite. This is where you all get ready?

Yes, m'am.

Interesting. The truth is Mr. Joe I don't know how to talk to a man so famous like you.

Miss West Indies. That's going some.

It is silly. I am ashamed he told you. Mr. Applegate tries to show me off too much. Because my picture is in the papers and because maybe I am pleasing to look at in a bathing suit, is that important?

Well, as the fellows around here would say, it ain't bad.

No, Joe. What is inside me, if I am interesting person, that is important.

Oh, I agree.

What are those?

That's where we pack our duffle when we go out on the road.

Oh, Joe--You like music? You like dancing?

I studied cornet for three years.

You help me down, please.

Oh sure.

Thank you.

I mean to play the cornet you have to have good lips. Oh gosh.

Oh Joe, you are wonderful boy.

I am?

You are so honest.

I'm honest, but I'm dumb too.

I like people who don't brag about themselves.

I don't know where Mr. Applegate...

Do you know you and I feel just alike about things?

We do?

I think we shall become to know each other quite well. Joe, would you like to take me somewhere tonight?

Gee, I sure would like to, but you know what Mr. Van Buren would say.

He'd say you lucky boy.

No, no, he'd say it's late. He likes us to get to bed early.

Any particular place? Oh, Joe, you think I am a naughty girl.

Only you see I rented a room out in Chevy Chase this afternoon and I promised to move in tonight. I got to go home.

Home.

Yes, I promised to be there.

You want to hurt Lola's feelings?

No, no. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. That's why I ...

But Lola wants you to stay with her.

We have to keep training and strict rules and all that.

You can tell me all their rules.

You're making this very complicated.

Then be good boy.

I'm trying to.

And do like Lola tell you to do.

JOE:

Lola.

Yes, Joe.

If it was you I promised to come home to you'd want me to, wouldn't you?

I see.

What a flop. Just a routine case, eh?

I was wrong. He is different.

Alibi Ike.

I never ran up against one like that before.

Your methods are old fashioned. Whatever Lola wants.

Alright, Chief. You just give me time, just give me...

When he gets back I'll start a scandal in the neighborhood. She'll have to throw him out.

What kind of scandal?

I got to practice my speech.

Congratulations.

Oh, it's you.

I've become a fan--officially. We're putting on a dance in your honor tonight.

That's very nice Miss Cabana.

No, Miss Cabana's gone. No accent. Didn't you notice? She failed dismally.

Kidding me again, I guess.

No, Joe, just kidding myself. I'm just a bad hussy who just organized a fan club, without instruction from Mr. A.

That's why I threw the ball into the stands. I was trying to hit him.

You let in two runs and hit an old lady. He was delighted.

What does he want?

Tomorrow is the 24th.

Yes.

I think he doesn't want to lose you.

And what do you want?

I would like to be your friend.

I guess you mean it. Thanks.

Joe, you make me feel girlish, and I'm 172 years old. You see, many men have loved--hopelessly--but I felt nothing. And would you believe it, you're such a good loyal, dumb, ordinary man you make me feel tender. It's quite exciting. You still believe me.

Oh, folderol.

Look out.

Going a little far, don't you think?

Didn't you like it?

I liked it fine. Puff him up. I'll bring him back down again.

You'll what?

It's just psychology, baby, just psychology. Do you think this noble young Joe Hard will desert his team and the men who have trusted in him? Never!

But suppose.

You're not supposed to suppose. I've put a lot of effort into this case.

Well, he's an interesting boy.

And once I've got him for keeps, I'll make him throw the game. That'll kill him.

As for me, I'm sorry.

What did you say?

I said I'm sorry for him.

I have observed of late a certain laxity on your part. Are you forgetting every principle I've ever taught you? All right--one hundred times.

Never feel sorry for anybody--never feel sorry for anybody.

I must select something appropriate for this evening's hearing. That looks terrible. I'll wear that.

Never feel sorry for anybody. Never feel...

Now can anyone guess who that is?

Come in, Joe.

Never feel sorry for anybody--never feel sorry for anybody.

Goodbye, Lola.

(He exits)

Never feel sorry for anybody--never feel sorry for anybody--

Alright, Lola. Let's not just have the letter, let's have the spirit.

Never feel sorry for anybody. Never feel sorry for anybody.

Black traveler. Bench LC. Joe enters L slowly, sits on bench dejectedly. Lola enters L, stands beside bench.

Joe.

Oh! Where is he?

He's asleep. I gave him a pill.

Why didn't you give him two?

I did. Move over.

Why not. We're both in the same club now.

Don't cry, Joe.

Mr. Welch said, "I know this boy--he'd go to hell for the team." Don't you think that's funny?

You're going to win, Joe.

Maybe.

I fixed it for you. I said I gave him two pills. I gave him four. He was so delighted with himself and horsing around and he said, "Give me a drink of demon rum." You know--big joke. So I did and I slipped four pills into it. He won't wake up until after the game.

But I wanted him to be there. I wanted him to have to sit right there and watch us win the pennant.

If he were there you wouldn't win.

Benny's putting me in center field. I wouldn't hear him yell at me out there. I wouldn't even look at him.

It wouldn't make any difference--he owns you now.

Oh. I see. I didn't know how it worked—Lola, what were you?

I was the ugliest woman in Providence, Rhode Island.

He'll be good and sore at what you did. Will he turn you back?

He threatens.

Two lost souls. I don't know whether to cry or make jokes.

Oh, Joe. Make jokes. We're together tonight and maybe never again.

Then we ought to make the best of it.

Please.

How do we do that?

You think of some way.

Just give me a second now. I'll figure something out, I got it. Now what's the next step?

Joe, would you like to take Lola some place tonight?

Yes I would. It took me a long time, didn't it?

You like music? You like dancing?

Black traveler opens. Dancers move bench and tables Dr. Lola and Joe enter DR, sit on bench. Dancers ad lib questions about the game. Lights up.

Please, no more questions about the game. Tonight, we're here to have fun.

So are we.

That's what I mean--everybody have fun.

You knew I had to get to the game.

I tried to wake you up. I shook you and shook you.

You lie. I see it all now. You doped me. But why? Why did you do it?

Because I love him!

Well, I'll get there in time --Washington will lose--even if I have to change him back right in front of everybody.

Well, I don't want to see it.

Back Joe, play deep.

Come on, Washington. Come on, Joe.

She wants you back, boy—

Joe—Joe

Joe—Joe