PSY220 - Attraction and Intimacy: Liking and Loving Others

need to belong

need to belong

a motivation to bond with others in relationships that provide ongoing, positive interactions, even if we are in an individualistic culture we still want to fit in

proximity

geographical nearness, functional distance powerfully predicts liking

• closeness prompts liking

• consistent presence

interaction

• anticipation of interaction can prompt you to like a person

• functional distance is more significant than geographical distance

• if people’s paths cross a lot, its probably because of some sort of similarity

mere exposure effect

the tendency for novel stimuli to be liked more or rated more positively after the rater has been repeatedly exposed to them

• even stronger when without conscious awareness

• familiarity usually doesn’t breed contempt, it increases liking

• there is a thing as too much exposure, and liking eventually drops

attractiveness and dating

gender differences and similarities

• men rank attractiveness as important in a mate, while women want honesty, kindness, dependability and humour

• both men and women want someone who is healthy that they can mate with + produce healthy offspring

• pretty pleases, but only for a short time

matching phenomenon

the tendency for men and women to choose as partners those who are a “good match” in attractiveness and other traits

• people usually pair off with someone who is about as attractive as they are

• also match on level of intelligence, popularity and self worth

• people seek out someone who seems desirable but they are also mindful of the limits of their own desirability

the physical attractiveness stereotype

the presumption that physically attractive people possess other socially desirable traits as well, what is beautiful is good

• eg. ted bundy

• equating someone who is beautiful as being nice or altruistic or friendly

first impression

• carry special weight

• the confirmation bias kicks in

• attractiveness most affects first impressions

who do we find attractive?

• standards of beauty differ across cultures

  • but some people are considered attractive throughout most of the world

• average & symmetry

• social comparisons

social comparisons

• what is attractive to you also depends on your comparison standards

• being sexually aroused may temporarily make a person of the other sex seem more attractive

• we also perceive likeable people as attractive

• beauty is in the eye of the beholder

evolutionary perspective

• preference for attractive partners as adaptive

• beauty signals biologically important info

• want to pass on your genes

• attractive people usually have higher mental and physical health

birds of a feather flock together

likeness begets liking

• perceived similarity matters more than actual similarity

• more likely to be in a satisfied relationship if you are alike

dissimilarity breeds dislike

• we have the false consensus bias towards assuming that others share our attitudes

• we also tend to see those we like as being like us, getting to know someone and discovering that the person is actually dissimilar tends to decrease liking

opposites attract

• researchers are unable to confirm it

• as a general rule, opposites do not attract

• some complementarity may evolve as a relationship progresses

complementarity

the popularly supposed tendency, in a relationship, between 2 people, for each to complete what is missing in the other

we like those who like us

attribution, self esteem & attraction, gaining another’s esteem

attribution

• flattery will get you somewhere, but not everywhere

• we often perceive criticism to be more sincere than praise

• our reactions depend on our attributions

• do we attribute flattery to ingratiation?

self esteem & attraction

• another’s approval is especially rewarding after we have been deprived of approval

• if you feel down about yourself, you will likely feel pessimistic about your relationships

gaining another’s esteem

• approval that comes after disapproval is powerfully rewarding, so we would most like someone who liked us after initially disliking us

• the approval become more potent

• honesty has its place in a good relationship, but so does a presumption of the other person’s basic goodness

ingratiation

the use of strategies, such as flattery, by which people seek to gain another’s favour

relationship rewards

• reward theory of attraction

• direct vs indirect rewards (liking by association)

reward theory of attraction

the theory that we like those whose behaviour is rewarding to us OR whom we associate with rewarding events

4 types of love

romantic love: intimacy + passion

companionate love: intimacy + commitment

fatuous love: passion + commitment

consummate love: intimacy + passion + commitment

passionate love

a state of intense longing for union with another, passionate lovers are absorbed in one another, they feel ecstatic at attaining their partner’s love, and they are disconsolate on losing it

• if passionate love is reciprocated, a person feels fulfilled and joyous, if not, they feel empty

two factor theory of emotion

arousal X its label = emotion

variations in love

culture

• love as a component of marriage

gender differences

• men fall in love faster and fall out of love more slowly

companionate love

the affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined

• warm and dependable love

• those who marry for love reported diminishing feelings of love after a 5 year newlywed period

• by contrast, those in arranged marriages reported more love after 5 years

secure attachment

attachment rooted in trust and marked by intimacy

avoidant attachment

attachments are marked by discomfort over, or resistance to, being close to others, an insecure attachment style

• not freely sharing information

• protecting yourself

anxious attachment

attachment marked by anxiety of ambivalence, an insecure attachment style

equity

a condition in which the outcomes people receive from a relationship are proportional to what they contribute to it

• if two people receive equal outcomes, they should contribute equally (balance)

• long term equity

  • those involved in an equitable, long term relationship are unconcerned with short term equity

• perceived equity and satisfaction

  • those who perceive their relationship as inequitable feel discomfort

self-disclosure

revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others

• a relationship where trust displaces anxiety and where we are free to open ourselves without fear of losing the other’s affection

disclosure reciprocity

the tendency for one person’s intimacy of self-disclosure to match that of a conversational partner

relationships ending

divorce or separation

people usually stay married if:

• married after age 20

• both grew up in a stable 2 parent home

• dated for a long while before marriage

• etc

the detachment process

active vs passive, destructive vs constructive

loyalty

waiting for conditions to improve, passive + constructive

neglect

ignore the partner and allow the relationship to deteriorate, passive + deconstructive

voice

seek to improve the relationship, active + constructive

exit

leave the relationship, active + deconstructive