TUT3 R10 Active Listening

Real Listening (based on 4 things)

• Understand someone

• Enjoy someone

• Learn something

• Giving help or solace

Pseudolistening

Occurs when you → pretend to be attentive to a speaker while actually ignoring them or only partially listening

Typical needs met pseudolistening can look like

• Making people think you’re interested so they will like you

• Being alert to see if you are in danger of getting rejected

• Listening for one specific piece of info and ignoring everything else

• Buying time to prepare your next comment

• Half listening so someone will listen to you

• Listening to take advantage

• Looking for weak points so you can be right

• Checking to see how people react (desired effect)

• Half-listening because:

  • A nice person would

  • You don’t want to get away without hurting them

The 12 Blocks to Listening

• (1) Comparing

• (2) Mind Reading

• (3) Rehearsing

• (4) Filtering

• (5) Judging

• (6) Dreaming

• (7) Identifying

• (8) Advising

• (9) Sparring

• (10) Being right

• (11) Derailing

• (12) Placating

(1) Comparing

Act of constantly assessing who is better during conversation in terms of thinking who’s smarter, more healthy, more competitive that changes people’s mind of listening as they to always “measure up”

(2) Mind Reading

The listener assumes that they already know what the other person is really or feeling by interpreting hidden meanings, guessing motives, worrying about what others think of them

(3) Rehearsing

The listener is too busy planning what they want to say next than actually paying attention to the other person’s message

(4) FIltering

The listener only pays attention to specific parts of the conversation that they find important or relevant and tune out everything else

(5) Judging

The listener makes quick evaluations about the speaker such as in terms of their intelligence, lifestyle, etc. instead of listening attentively because the listener has already deemed their words not worth paying attention to

(6) Dreaming

The listener’s thoughts, memories, stories are triggered by something others say which drifts their mind away and mentally the listener is somewhere else

(7) Identifying

The listener takes everything the other person tells them, and reference its back to their own experience as it remind them of something they have felt, done, or suffered, launching into their own story before the person can finish theirs

(8) Advising

The listener tends to act as the great problem solver, but unfortunately doesn’t listen to more than a few words before searching for the right advice which may cause them to miss what is most important

(9) Sparring

The listener is always arguing and debating with others and their focus is mainly on finding things to disagree with by taking strong stands and being very clear about their beliefs and preferences

The Two Types of Sparring

• (1) The Put-down Method

• (2) Discounting

The Put-down Method

Involves using sarcastic remarks to dismiss the other person’s point of view which often pushes communication into a stereotypical pattern of familiar hostile litany

Discounting

The listener cannot stand compliments and constantly downplays their achievements when they get a compliment and others never feel satisfied because the listener does not actually hear their appreciation

(10) Being Right

The listener goes to any lengths to avoid being wrong such that they can’t listen to criticism, be corrected or take suggestions for a change

(11) Derailing

The listener suddenly changes the subject of the conversation or brings up a quick joke due to boredom or being uncomfortable with a topic

(12) Placating

The listener uses positive and short phrases to express being supportive and nice in agreeing with everything to avoid conflict

The Four Steps to Effective Listening

• Active Listening

  • Paraphrasing

  • Clarifying

  • Gviving feedback

• Listening with Empathy

• Listening with Openness

• Listening with Awareness

Active Listening

• Does not mean listening silently, but requires active participation in fully understanding the meaning of communication

• Requires you to be a → collaborator in communication through:

  • Paraphrasing

  • Clarifying

  • Giving Feedback

Paraphrasing

Stating back in your own words what you think some just said to truly understand what the other person means

• Others feel more appreciated and heard

• De-escalates anger

• Stops miscommunication

• Helps remember what was said

• Reduces blocking

Clarifying

Asking more question until you → get the picture

• Sharpers listening focus to hear more than vague generalities

• Makes other aware of your interest and will to work/understand them

Giving Feedback

Your opportunity to speak about what has happened to you

• Correct errors/misconceptions

• Allows the speaker to get a fresh and valuable POV (yours)

• Includes:

  • (1) Immediate

    • Giving feedback as you fully understand the communication

  • (2) Honest Feedback

    • Giving your real reaction while being honest and supportive

Listening with Empathy

The ability to recognize that everyone is trying to survive and shares the same struggles

• Some questions you can reflect on for empathy:

  • What need is the (anger, etc.) coming from?

  • What danger is this person experiencing

  • What are they asking for? 

Listening with Openness

If too close-minded, listening becomes → difficult as you tend to try and be right and see things from only your POV and may be easily disproven by missing important information

• You have a fear of being → wrong as it makes you feel stupid or worthless (tied to self-esteem)

• An important rule for listening with openness is to → hear the whole statement before judging

• Otherwise, others may lose interest in communicating with you

Listening With Awareness

Two components:

• Compare what is → being said to your own knowledge of how things are without judgment)

• Hear/observe → congruence

  • Speaker’s tone, emphasis, facial expression, posture. Do they fit their communication?

Total Listening → clues to being a total listener (6)

• Maintain good eye contact

• Lean slightly forward

• Reinforce the speaker by nodding or even better, → paraphrasing

• Clarify by asking questions

• Actively move away from distractions

• Be commited to understand what was said regardless of your → current emotion

Reciprocal Communication (listening for Couples)

Provides a structure in which you hear your partner such that it → slows down communication so conflicts are less likely to escalate, but promote further clarity about the needs/feelings of each partner:

• As the speaker: explain your POV, avoid blaming and name ceiling, talk in terms of yourself and your experience

• As the listener: give full attention to understand your partner’s need and feelings, don’t disagree, argue or correct anything, ask questions but don’t → debate or make counterpoints

Listen should → paraphrase