Emma TGWDLM Act 1

SCENE 2: Lights up on BEANIE'S, the coffee shop down the street. Paul enters and gets in line behind the COFFEE JERK. Behind the counter is a barista named EMMA...

Hi. Can I help you?

COFFEE JERK: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I get a grande caramel frappe in a venti cup, ten pumps of frappe roast, three shots of espresso, no caramel drizzle, with whip on top?

Sure. That'll be $8.50.

COFFEE JERK: Jesus. Fine. Hey! I just tipped you.

Oh! Well, thank you.

COFFEE JERK: Aren't you supposed to sing? The sign says, "tip for a song."

Yeah. That's a new thing. The owner went to a Cold Stone Creamery over the weekend and brought back the whole singing thing. But, You know... there's a line, and people are working. I don't want to disturb anyone...

COFFEE JERK: I don't care. I just tipped you. Come on.

Ok, well did you do that to be nice, or did you do it to be an *******?

COFFEE JERK: Fine. I'll take it back then.

Oh no! What am I gonna do without that dollar I have to split with five other people?

COFFEE JERK: You know what, I'm never coming back here again. That sign's bullshit!

??? Oh my god, so mean!

NORA: Emma. What's the deal over here?

That guy just flipped out on me for practically no reason.

OBNOXIOUS TEEN: She wouldn't sing for him. And I still haven't gotten my hot chocolate!

Sorry. I'll get right on that.

NORA: Emma, I already warned you twice...

It's just embarrassing, Nora. Maybe Zoey's okay with the whole singing thing because she majored in theater...

ZOEY: I think it's a really fun idea, Nora.

Why aren't you working?

ZOEY: (whispering) I'm on vocal rest.

What?

ZOEY: (loudly) I'm on vocal rest. *******it, Emma! Now I need a tea with honey.

Can't Zoey just do the singing? I don't like it.

NORA: You must not like having a job, then. In fact, don't bother coming in for your next shift...

Wait, wait, wait... I'll do the singing.

NORA: Yeah, you will. Now move your ass. You got a line.

Hi. Can I help you?

PAUL: Uh... Yeah. I got an easy one for ya. Just a cup of black coffee. (he tips)

Jesus. Really? (sing)

PAUL: (stopping her) No, no, no. I don't need you to sing. I just tipped because, you know, people should tip.

Thank you. Cause if I have to sing for it, it's not really a tip. It's another job piled on top of my already shitty paying job. It's like, most of my tips are less than a buck. After the split, I'm not even getting twenty-five cents a song. That's less than a jukebox. Except a jukebox doesn't also have to make coffee for these ********! Not that you're an *******. Well, maybe you are. How much did you tip? Five bucks. Aww. You meant this for me, right? Like, I shouldn't have to split this with the others.

PAUL: No, that's for you. I don't give a shit about them.

That's very sweet. I'm just so sick of Nora, and Zoey... who is technically my manager, even though she's ten years younger than me. She hired all her little theater friends, and they will not shut the **** up about some crappy production of 'Godspell' they did last summer.

PAUL: Was that the one at the rec center? I think I saw that... I did not like it.

Yeah! It sucked, right?

PAUL: Yeah, they shouldn't call it 'Godspell.' More like 'God-awful.'

Or '********-that-was-bad.'

PAUL: Yeah, I do not like musicals. Watching people sing and dance makes me very uncomfortable.

Then why do you come to the singing coffee shop? There's a Starbucks down the street.

PAUL: Yeah, well... some things are worth it. Like... (sips from his cup) damn good coffee.

I see you in here all the time, don't I? What's your name?

PAUL: Paul.

Hi, Paul. I'm Emma.

OBNOXIOUS TEEN: Excuse me! I've been waiting for a very long while!

Sorry! Sorry!

TED: (angrily) Sure, Charlotte! Just like last time was the last time! If you don't like what we're doing here, then there's the door! (Lights down on Ted and Charlotte, then up on Emma and Zoey; they stand OUTSIDE BEANIE'S; rain pours down.)

Oh, God. The cherry on top of an already perfect day. Zoey, you need a ride?

ZOEY: In your shitty car? I'd rather not crash and die, thank you.

Great.

PAUL: (backing away) No! Not you too, Emma! Please God, stop singing!

Okay. Okay. I'll stop. I didn't forget. You're the guy who doesn't like musicals. Paul, right?

PAUL: Emma. You're talking to me... Like a normal person.

Yeah, and if my boss catches me, I'll get canned. New company policy. Not only do we have to sing when people tip, but when they enter, when they order, all the time apparently!

PAUL: Emma, I think there's something terribly wrong with the world today...

Yeah, ****ing tell me about it. I spent the whole morning learning this ******* new tip song. I'm exhausted.

PAUL: Emma, I feel like there's something sinister infecting Hatchetfield. I know this is gonna sound crazy... and not very scary. But it is scary if you think about the implications. Promise me you'll think about the implications!

Okay, I promise.

PAUL: Emma, I think the world is becoming a musical.

Uh...

PAUL: Don't say anything! Let it sink in.

Okay.

PAUL: Okay. Now... Are you frightened?

I am starting to get a little frightened...

ZOEY & NORA: Emma! Tip!

Oh, thank god. Sorry, Paul. I gotta do this ******* tip song. Sorry.

(CUP OF ROASTED COFFEE ENDS)

Alright, alright, stop! Stop! What was that?! A whole 'nother a-section? When did you learn that? You know what? I'm done! When I got this job, I signed up to serve coffee and cold, shitty pastries. If I wanted to be in a musical, I'd be in a damn musical! That's right, Zoey. I was in Brigadoon in high school and I ****in' killed it. But now, I'm just trying to make ends meet while I pay my way through community college. And I can do that just as easily down the street at Starbucks. I quit!

ZOEY & NORA: You can't quit, Emma.

Yeah, I sure as hell can.

ZOEY & NORA: The song is so simple. We'll teach you. Everyone here will be singing it soon!

What are you talking about?

ZOEY: They've all had their coffee. Their apotheosis will be upon them at any moment!

Wait, what did you do to their coffee?! ****ing gross!

ZOEY & NORA: HOW DO YA DO?

They're singing! Why are they all singing!?

Lights up on the ALLEY behind Beanie's. Paul & Emma take cover behind a line of trashcans.

Oh my god. What the **** was that?

PAUL: I told you it was scarier than it sounds!

You were right! I didn''t think about the implications. Oh my god. I didn't think about it!

BILL: No! It's not alright, Paul!

(With PAUL) AH!

PAUL: I don't know! Give us a warning or something next time! (just then, a loud DONG sounds from within another trashcan)

(With PAUL) AHHH!

CHARLOTTE: Sorry, I tried to warn you!

Who are these people?

PAUL: They're my friends from work.

What are they doing in the trash?

TED: Shh! Shut the **** up, Paul! If you wanna stay in our hiding spot, you gotta be quiet! There's something going on. We don't know what it is or who we can trust! So, Paul, get in a trashcan. (points to Emma) You, beat it!

Uh, **** you?

CHARLOTTE: How would you know?!? You're not a doctor either! We need a doctor! He needs to get to a doctor!

Listen, Charlotte? Charlotte, right?

CHARLOTTE: I'm Charlotte.

We have to get out of downtown. Downtown is ****ed. The hospital is downtown. We can't go there.

CHARLOTTE: But he needs a doctor.

Okay, okay. I got it! I know where we can go! I have this kooky, reclusive biology professor! Professor Hidgens! I'm his favorite student cause I bought him groceries once. He's got a doctorate. That's kinda like a doctor. He can help your husband, probably. He's got a lab, and security! His whole house is like a panic room. He's like a... I don't know. What do you call a guy who lives in a fortress?

TED: A king.

No! He's a doomsday survivalist. He thinks the world is ending. He's spent the past twenty years preparing for the apocalypse.

PAUL: Charlotte, I think the best thing for all of us, including Sam, would be to get to the professor.

Let's go now. We can take the squad car.

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Who is it?

Professor Hidgens!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Don't lie to me, whoever you are! I'm Professor Hidgens!

No, Professor, It's me, Emma Perkins! The whole town's gone crazy! I didn't know where else to go!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Emma?!? You came to the right place! Hold on! I'll let you in! Alexa, open the gates!

Thank you, professor. These are my friends. This is Paul and... them. We came from downtown. This is gonna sound crazy, but everyone's...

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Singing? And dancing? Like they're in a musical? They want you to join them, and once they get you, you're a part of it?

Yeah. How did you know?

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: (talks for too long) Tell me, Emma. What on Earth does this look like to you?

I don't know. Some kind of... blue... shit?

TED: Whatever. (Ted heads back to the couch; Paul takes the bourbon and goes to sit by Emma; he pours her a glass)

Why did I come back here?

PAUL: To uh... drink?

Back to Hatchetfield. I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to get outta this place. I shoulda stayed in Guatemala. Sure, they got volcanoes and coatimundis everywhere but...

PAUL: What's a coatimundi?

It's like a little raccoon thing. They get into shit. People hate 'em. But at least they don't sing and dance.

PAUL: So is that what drove you back to Hatchetfield? Coatimundis? Up in your shit?

Naw. It was my sister. Jane. She was the good one. When she was twelve, she had this Lisa Frank binder where she mapped out her whole life, and I swear to god, she stuck to it. Bullet point by bullet point. Job, husband, house, kid. And when one sister is so on top of her game, it almost demands the other be a total ****-up, right?

PAUL: What is yin without yang?

That's what I'm saying. She was off, doing life. And I was doing... something else. Backpacking, mostly. She would invite me back home for the big events. Wedding. Baby shower. I'd always say, "sorry. I'll catch the next one.: But when I got the invitation to her funeral, I was like, "Oh, there won't be a next one."

PAUL: Oh... I'm sorry.

Hey. You didn't crash into her car. It's weird growing up in someone else's shadow. Because when they're gone, the light shines on your life for the first time, and it does not look good. So there I was. Thirty. No roots anywhere. Except Hatchetfield. So I figure, I'll make something of myself. Do something my sister would be proud of. Enroll in community college. Study botany... I'm gonna start a pot farm.

PAUL: Oh. Did your sister... smoke a lot of pot?

No. But weed's the future. Gonna be legal nationwide soon. I'll bet you any amount of money/ Not that it matters anymore. You know, the one thing I've been trying to avoid my whole life is dying in Hatchetfield.... but here we are.

PAUL: It could be worse... You could be dying in Clivesdale.

**** Clivesdale.

PAUL: **** 'em. You know, all things considered... I like Hatchetfield. Been here my whole life. Born and raised. never wanted to leave. Still don't.

We're the same age. How come I never saw you in high school?

PAUL: You probably went to Hatchetfield High. I went to Sycamore.

****in' Timberwolves. We hated you guys.

PAUL: We hated ourselves. So wait... Back at Beanie's you said you were in your high school production of Brigadoon.

I was Bonnie Jean.

PAUL: That was 2003, right? I actually saw you in Brigadoon.

No shit.

PAUL: Yes shit! We didn't have a theater program at our school, so I guess to make us feel like crap they bussed us over to watch your show. It was the first musical I ever saw... I hated it. That's probably the start of my whole thing. You're the reason I don't like musicals.

Woah. That's, like, your origin story.

PAUL: Yeah.

So I guess I'm the super villain?

PAUL: I don't think of you like that at all, Emma.

You know, Paul...

PAUL: Oh my god!

Professor! You killed Charlotte!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: I shot a charlatan! The Charlotte you knew was gone the moment a note came out of her mouth. After examining that "blue shit," it didn't take long for me to deduce that Sam was no longer human, but one of the alien brood. Genetically reconstructed from the inside out! They're wearing our skin to fool us! Which means any one of you could be one of them. So we're gonna have a little test to find out who's still human and who's a musical doppelgänger. I want all of you to sing sixteen bars! Right now!

Professor, we're not aliens.

PAUL: Take Evergreen, cut through the park, hop a curb, and you're in the teacher's parking lot.

Yeah. The window to the staff lounge is always open, so they can smoke. Slide in and out. That was my old escape route.

TED: Don't bother. He's gonna get lost...

You are suck a ****in' creep, you know that?

TED: Oh, I'm a ****in' creep?

Yeah.

PAUL: Hey, it's not like you're asking me to go see "Mama Mia."

Well, let's go. If we haul ass we can be there and back in twenty minutes.

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: No, Emma. You stay here. I have a theory of how these aliens might be stopped, but I'll need an extra pair of hands in the lab. Paul. Bill. Godspeed.

Paul. Remember. If those things get you, they're gonna make you sing, and dance, and all that shit you hate, so don't you let them.