Unit 3 - Comm 1131 Joseph Schwartz Northeastern

liking includes:

• Affection

• Trust

• Respect

• Feeling comfortable together

• Enjoying spending time together

loving includes:

• All of the “liking” characteristics PLUS

• A stronger emotional attachment

• Being willing to make sacrifices for the other person

• Emotional interdependence - what I feel influences you

Behavioral interdependence  - your actions/ what you do influences me

attachment

Beginning in infancy, we have an innate need to form attachments with others 

Early attachments influence future relational patterns

• Caregivers (typically parents) can be tremendously influential in childhood and lifespan. good attachment w parents as kid = set up for success later in life

internal working models

Interactions children have with caregivers leads to the development of this

working model of self

The degree to which a child develops an internalized sense of self worth that is not dependent on external validation

working model of others

The degree to which a child expects others to be supportive and accepting (rather than rejecting)

attachment styles

coherent patterns of emotions and social behavior that occur in close relationships 

Results from the extent to which parents exhibit caregiver attachment behaviors

caregiver attachment behaviors

sensitivity to signals, physical psychological availability, acceptance of the infant’s need

what happens when caregiver attachment behaviors are not displayed

Child will most likely have a negative model of self or others

sensitivity to signals - CAB

• Detecting and interpreting the infant’s signal correctly (crying, laughing, facial expressions)

• Appropriately responding in a timely manner

physical psychological availability - CAB

• Physically close

• Emotionally open and available

acceptance of the infant’s needs

Responds in an appropriate way

ainsworth’s attachment styles for children

secure, avoidant, anxious-ambivalent

secure attachment

• Positive WM of self

• Positive WM of others

avoidant attachment

• Negative WM of others

  • “No one loves me”

Anxious ambivalent attachment

• Negative WM of self

  • Self concept revolves around doubt, insecurity, and uncertainty - “I am not lovable”

Anxious ambivalent attachment caregiver’s comm patterns

• Inconsistent responses

  • Sometimes the caregiver exhibits the caregiver attachment behaviors, but other times does not 

• Parent is often preoccupied or stressed by events in their own life

  • Relational conflict

  • Substance abuse

avoidant attachment caregiver’s comm patterns

• Caregiver’s communication patterns:

  • Insensitivity to needs

  • Caregiver does not exhibit the caregiver attachment behaviors 

secure attachment caregiver’s comm patterns

• Caregiver’s communication patterns:

  • Caregiver consistently exhibits caregiver attachment behaviors

children with anxious ambivalent attachment

Children appear clingy, whiny, difficult to console

• Don’t know what to expect from caregiver

children with avoidant attachment

Children appear detached from their caregiver and disinterested in their caregiver

Don’t seem to notice or care that their caregiver is not “there” for them

• Internally they are feeling the need for comfort

attachment styles can change with

context and partners

bartholomew’s 4 adult attachment styles

Influenced by childhood attachments, same working models 

Adult communication patterns reinforce their attachment style

secure, preoccupied, fearful, dismissive

secure adult attachment

• Desire a balance between autonomy and closeness

  • Are comfortable being single or in a relationship

    • “I’m ok, you’re ok”

skilled communicators

secure adult attachment in conflict and reinforcement

• Likely to engage in compromise and problem-solving during conflict 

• Because they are confident and expressive, people react to them positively, reinforcing positive models of self and others

preoccupied adult attachment

• Overly involved in relationships and overly dependent on their partners

  • “I’m not ok, you’re okay”

• Wants excessive intimacy; worry their partners do not care enough for them

• May view relationships as more important than personal goals and activities

• Highly concerned partner will leave

overly disclosive and sensitive

preoccupied adult attachment in conflict and reinforcement

• people with a preoccupied attachment often exhibit demanding, nagging behavior and express negative emotions with aggression or passive aggression

• By escalating intimacy too quickly, they push partners away, thereby reinforcing that they are unworthy of love

fearful adult attachment

• Haven’t recovered from past hurt and are so concerned about being hurt they may avoid relationships

• “I’m not ok, you’re not ok”

• Avoid getting close to others but would like the security of a close relationship

guarded and anxious, trouble expressing emotions and self disclosing, usually don’t engage in relationship maintenance behaviors

fearful adult attachment in conflict and reinforcement

• View conflict as a threat to relationship because

  • Managing conflict often involves disclosure and may show interdependence

• Use withdrawal and defensiveness

• By avoiding taking risks, they keep themselves from developing the kind of positive relationships that will help them feel better about themselves and others

dismissive adult attachment

• Self sufficient to the point of pushing others away

• May not be interested in relationships because they would rather focus on their own goals and ambitions

• May be uncomfortable with intimacy

• “I’m ok, you’re not okay” - positive model of self and negative model of others 

• Want to prove (to self and others) that they can cope with life on the own

• Dislike relying on others

• Prioritize personal goals and activities over relationships; may think relationships “hold them back” from achieving their goals

low levels of relational maintenance, disclosure, and emotional expression

dismissive adult attachment in conflict and reinforcement

• Withdraw to avoid showing interdependence or feel pressured to disclose feelings

• By learning to get along on their own, they reinforce the idea that they do not need others to be happy

preoccupied/dismissive pairing

People with preoccupied may be drawn to dismissive and vice versa

Potential stressful combination

• Preoccupied are likely to pursue a great deal (too much?) closeness and reassurance from their partner; may be overly worried about relationship termination

• People with dismissive value space and independence and may feel overwhelmed by what they perceive as neediness from their partner

why would a preoccupied and a dismissive pair up

1. People with preoccupied attachment style may be drawn to dismissiveness because they represent a challenge - an opportunity to attain an emotional connection. People with dismissive may be drawn to preoccupied to reinforce their identity

• If it doesn’t work, it still reinforces their identity of being “too much”  or “super independent when compared to others” in relationships. Sort of works out for them either way

2. Each partner wants the other’s traits

• Preoccupied wants to be more independent

• Dismissive wants to become more relationship-oriented

what to do in a preoccupied and dismissive pairing

if you are the dismissive you are going to have to realize your partner needs more reassurance than what you think is necessary and if you are the preoccupied  you are going to have to realize your partner needs more space than what you think is necessary

changes in attachment styles

significant life/relational events, partner’s attachment style, variability across relationship type

marston and hecht’s love ways

Another way of understanding love 

• Love is experienced in a variety of ways and communicated to others in a variety of ways

• Focused on physiological and behavioral responses to love 

types of marston and hecht’s love ways

collaborative, active, intuitive, committed, secure, expressive, traditional romantic love

collaborative love

Love is a partnership that involves mutual support and negotiation

• Love is communicated by enthusiastically supporting one another’s goals

• Love increases energy and intensifies emotion

active love

Love is based on shared interests. It is communicated through engaging in activities together and discussing mutually-interesting topics 

• Love involves feelings of increased strength and increased self confidence

intuitive love

Love is a feeling communicated through nonverbal behavior and experienced through physical reactions 

• Love involves feeling warm all over, feeling nervous, feeling butterflies in stomach

committed love

Love is based on commitment and is communicated by planning for the future 

• Involves experiencing strong feelings of connection and spending time together

secure love

Love is based on intimacy and is communicated through intimate self disclosure

• Love involves feelings of safety and warmth

• Want to know all about what's going on with you and about deep parts of your identity

expressive love

Love is shown through overt behavior, such as doing things for the partner 

• Love involves saying “I love you” frequently

traditional romantic love

Love involves togetherness and commitment 

• Love involves feeling attractive and healthy 

• Buys into gender roles and has to do with being put together - the most heterosexual

advice from marston and hecht

1. Recognize that your partner’s “love way” may be different from your own

2. Don’t overvalue particular elements of your own “love way”

3. Focus on, and appreciate, the diverse ways your partner shows love

flirting

Verbal and non verbal communication behavior with potential sexual or romantic overtones that is goal-oriented 

Non-verbal flirting behaviors are more common than verbal flirting behaviors

• Especially indirect nonverbal behaviors

Why are indirect non-verbal flirting behaviors most often employed?

• Protect flirter from possible rejection (“I was just being friendly”)

  • Face preserving 

Also gives the receiver an “out” - they can simply ignore without a verbal rejection

why do people flirt

Not all flirting involves a desire to have sex or date.. there are 5 reasons as to why people flirt

Indirect non verbals are super important!!

types of flirting

amusement, to boost self esteem, to gauge another’s romantic interest, to reinforce a relationship, to find a mate

amusement flirting

• Not sexual

• May not even be an indicator of attraction

to boost self esteem flirting

• Not sexual

• May not even be an indicator of attraction 

  • People just want to feel good about themselves, feel like they are attractive, can make people laugh, etc

to gauge another’s romantic interest flirting

• “Is this person interested in me romantically?”

• Test the waters

to reinforce a relationship flirting

Flirting is an excellent way to maintain interest in a relationship

verbal flirting strategies

1. Compliments

2. Allowing the flirt-ee to talk about themselves

3. Teasing

non verbal flirting strategies

1. Smiling

2. Eye contact

3. Decreasing distance/standing near them

4. Appropriate touch

styles of flirting

related to an individual;s personality

physical, polite, playful, sincere, traditional

physical flirting style

People who use this style:

• Are interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with potential partner

• Are highly comfortable and competent communicating sexual interest to a potential partner

• Quickly feel attraction toward a potential partner and act on it

**like a numbers game, if someone does not like you, you don’t have to be embarrassed, someone else will

polite flirting style

People who use this style:

• Are highly observant of manners and social rules; often desire a long term relationship

• May appear reserved and are overthinkers; tend to have fewer partners 

Hard to tell sometimes if they are flirting/interested

playful flirting style

People who use this style:

• Are typically interested in amusement and self esteem

• Are not necessarily looking for a sexual partner 

Sort of like the self esteem part of reasons we flirt. Tend to be extroverted people

sincere flirting style

People who use this style:

• Value emotional connection most in potential partners; often desire a long term relationship

  • Sexual chemistry is secondary

• Communicate deep interest in potential partner’s life 

traditional flirting style

People who use this style:

• Subscribe to traditional gender-specific roles

  • Men make first move, approach women, lead interaction, and make requests for future engagements 

    • Heterosexual

sex and gen z

less sex, less sex drive, more lgbtq people, more people viewing acts of flirtation as sexual harrassment

hookups

• Motivated by sexual desire, sexual experimentation, physical pleasure, drug use, or alcohol

  • Most research indicates that alcohol use is involved in the majority of hook ups

variety of definitions for hooking up

general orientation toward sex

procreational, recreational, relational

procreational sex

• Sex is for reproduction 

  • When parents tell their kids about how babies are made they talk about it in a procreational way

recreational sex

Sex is for enjoyment and pleasure

relational sex

Sex is an expression of intimacy 

sex in relationships

Couples with high levels of sexual satisfaction also report high levels of love, connection, excitement, and relational satisfaction

 communication about sex increases relational satisfaction?

Direct, verbal, partner to partner instrumental

instrumental communication

messages aimed at accomplishing a task

sex video key takeaways

1. Partner to partner instrumental communication is key

2. Sex happens in the brain 

3. Dual control model - sexual excitation/accelerator and inhibitor/brakes 

• Too much stimulation to the brakes is why a lot of people cannot get aroused

• Getting aroused is all about turning on the ons and turning off the offs 

barriers to safer sex communication

• the “truth bias”

• not wanting to be seen as promiscuous or suggest that the partner is promiscuous

• not wanting to ruin the “moment”

• not wanting to convey distrust or hurt a partner’s feelings

the “truth bias”

• We tend to believe people we like 

  • STI status, STI testing, monogamy

not wanting to ruin the “moment”

• Idea that talking about safer sex is not “sexy”

• Idea that putting on a condom will be interruptive

Not wanting to convey distrust or hurt a partner’s feelings

“If I want to use a condom will my partner think it is because I think they are dirty?”

best communication strategies for safer sex

1. Discuss pregnancy prevention (if applicable)

2. Discuss prevention of STIs

• Condoms (if applicable) and other safer sex practices

3. Negotiate monogamy

• Exclusivity or non exclusivity

interdependence theory

human relationships involve the exchange of rewards and costs

rewards v costs

exchanged resources that are pleasurable and gratifying v loss or punishment

types of rewards and costs

emotional, social, instrumental, opportunity

emotional r/c

positive or negative feelings experienced in a relationship

• R = positive feeling

• C = negative feeling (not feeling great about relationship or partner)

social r/c

involves social appearances and the ability to interact in social environments

partner makes you appear socially (un)desirable to others and/or the (un)enjoyable social situations that come with being in a relationship with the partner

instrumental r/c

1.  the activities and/or tasks in a relationship 

• R = partner is proficient in handling a task

• C = partner causes unnecessary work or the partner impedes the other’s progress in a task

opportunity r/c

1. chances an individual gains or gives up as a consequence of being in a relationship 

• R = gains that a person is able to receive in their relationship that they would not ordinarily receive

• C = losses that a person would not have if they were not in a relationship

outcomes

rewards - costs 

• People weigh rewards and costs differently 

  • Positive outcome - rewards outnumber costs

  • Negative outcome - costs outnumber rewards 

• Positive outcomes are not enough to keep a relationship going 

we evaluate outcomes based on

comparison level - predicts satisfaction and comparison level for alternatives

comparison level as an indicator of satisfaction

• What kind of outcomes do we expect from the relationship? 

  • Likely based in part on past relationships 

• How do these outcomes compare to expectations?

  • “Just ok” positive outcomes vs “really good” positive outcomes

• If outcomes exceed comparison level expectations = satisfaction

comparison level for alternatives

predicts dependence on relationships 

• Perception of outcomes if you were to leave the relationship and move to the best alternative situation you think is available to you 

  • Could I do better with someone else?

  • Would I be happier if I was single?

• If you think you’d be better off with someone else or alone, you might consider leaving even if you are satisfied 

• If you don’t think there is a better option, you might stay in the relationship even if it is unsatisfying

what else influences evaluating outcomes

investments, self esteem, access to information

four types of relationships

• a happy, stable relationship

• a happy, unstable relationship

• a unhappy, stable relationship

• a unhappy, unstable relationship

happy, stable relationship

Current outcomes exceed comparison level for alternative and comparison level

happy, unstable relationship

• Current outcomes are lower than comparison level but higher than comparison level for alternatives 

  • Stable so unlikely to leave and alternatives are not appealing 

happy, unstable relationship

• Current outcomes above comparison level but below comparison level for alternatives

  • Unstable - you think you could do better and may consider leaving the relationship

unhappy, unstable relationship

Current outcomes are lower than comparison level and comparison level for alternatives

comparison level considerations

An individual's comparison level may rise over time, so a previously rewarding relationship may seem less rewarding

• Expectations have risen

sociocultural and cultural changes in relationship expectations

• People expect more out of their relationships than they did a generation ago

  • Throws expectations out of wack - we want the best sexual partner, best friend, confidant, and equal
    

Super important to maintain friendships in relationships because friends can give you things your partner cannot

• More women in the workforce - more ways to meet people 

• Increase mobility - take train away

• Dating apps/internet

• Divorce is less taboo

why are there so many people in unhappy relationships

1. Failure to notice positive behaviors performed by their partners

• Up to 25% of positive behaviors might be unnoticed 
  

• Attachment style 

• Preference for different prosocial maintenance behavior 

key takeaways about relationships

1. Relationships take consistent effort

2. Interdependence magnifies conflict

3. Intimacy makes people feel vulnerable - social penetration theory

4. Relationships involve unwelcome surprises

5. unrealistic expectations can undermine relationships

prosocial maintenance behaviors

• Positive behaviors, used over the course of the relationship, that promote closeness, trust, and liking

  • Promote liking, loving, and commitment 

• Romantic couples that use prosocial strategies often have merged identities, which help them share resources and work together

Romantic couples who are most satisfied with their relationship regularly use prosocial maintenance behaviors

types of prosocial maintenance behaviors

positivity, openness, assurances, social networking, task sharing, joining activities, romance and affection, and humor

positivity - pmb

• Making an effort to make daily interactions with their partner pleasant and enjoyable, even when you might be distracted or stressed by events outside of the relationship

  • Compliments, politeness, cheerfulness

We tend to be more polite to strangers than to romantic partners