CAROL AAB (I heart Carroll)

script card

BENNY. Because he’s a ghost!

(CAROL has had it. Turns around.)

CAROL. I’m sorry can you please keep your voices down. You’re very

distracting.

RUTH. And those cheeks. Too gaunt. I’m worried about him finishing the

show. He needs to eat a little during intermission.

(CAROL whips around.)

CAROL. I’m sorry, but you are being so loud! Can you please just—

RUTH. But everyone’s talking?!

CAROL. No one’s talking! You are the only ones talking!

RUTH. You’re talking right now!

CAROL. Only to tell you to stop talking, because—

CAROL. Only to tell you to stop talking, because—

(Everyone in their row shushes both of them.)

CAROL. But I’m not talking! I’m only talking so they’ll stop talking.

Scene Four: LET’S GO HAMLET!

(CLAP, CLAP, CLAP-CLAP-CLAP)

(CAROL moves into a new row and sits next to TONY, who looks a

little underdressed.)

CAROL. Hey, do you mind if I sit here?

TONY. Uh, no. Go for it.

CAROL. Sorry I just . . . I was sitting next to this crazy couple that kept

talking and talking.

TONY. That’s the worst. It’s like people have no appreciation for what’s

being performed.

CAROL. I know! Thank you!

TONY. So disrespectful.

(They sit for bit. Watch the play.)

(Then TONY takes off his shirt, revealing a sports jersey with

“Claudius” on it. Or he could be shirtless with a C painted on his

chest. CAROL doesn’t really notice until . . .)

TONY. Let’s go Claudius! (Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.) Let’s go Claudius!

(Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.) Come on, Claudius! Get your kingdom, bro!

Get yours!

(CAROL takes a deep breath. Turns to TONY.)

CAROL. You going to be doing this all show?

TONY. Yo, you leavin’?!

CAROL. Yep, enjoy the show.

Scene Six: There is Also a Reason for No Phones!

(CAROL sits next to CATHY, who seems to be a respectful theatergoer

watching the performance.)

CAROL. Sorry, do you know if this seat’s taken?

(CATHY shakes her head no.)

CAROL. Great, thanks.

CATHY. Dude, I totally get what’s going on! It’s just that he’s so mopey

and inactive. Plus, the structure is terrible. Like, do something already—

CAROL. Hey, do you think you can . . . stop doing that?

CATHY. Stop doing what?

CAROL. Texting during the show.

CATHY. Why?

CAROL. Because it’s distracting. And they told you not to at the beginning

of the show—

CATHY. Who did?

CAROL. They made an announcement on the loudspeaker.

CATHY. Yeah, but it’s just texting.

CAROL. No, it’s not just texting! Look, if you were just texting. That

would be inappropriate enough. Okay. But on top of that, for some reason,

you seem to be talking out loud as you text. You’re not even like . . . using

Siri to type out your messages for you, you are just talking as you type!

CATHY. So? What’s your point!

CAROL. It’s distracting! Mainly, that’s my point. It’s very distracting and

annoying. But also it’s . . . pointless! Why not use Siri if you going to say

every text out loud anyway?!

CATHY. That’s how people text these days! If you weren’t so old you’d

know that!

CAROL. I can’t be that much older than you!

CATHY. Well, you must be, because that’s how you text. If you’re young

and not old and weird like you, you talk at the same time as you’re texting.

It’s called talxsting!

CAROL. That’s not a thing! You just made that up!

CATHY. No! It’s a trend! A real trend that people do! Why would you

assume I made that up?!

CAROL. Because that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

(Several people behind them shush CAROL. She sits down, realizes

she’s yelling.)

CAROL. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just trying to stop her from texting

during the show.

PATRON. Oh, for Pete’s sake, just let the girl talxst if she wants to.

Doesn’t bother me.

CAROL. Don’t . . . say “talxst” like it’s a thing.

PATRON. Look! I haven’t heard of talxsting before. But I join any trend

blindly, because it makes me feel young! And if she says it’s a trend, then

it’s a trend. So just let her talxst all she wants if it makes her happy

CAROL. But what about what makes me happy? What about my desire to

see Shakespeare’s best play without people making noises or shouting or

texting while also talking at the same time?

CATHY. Dude, just say talxsting. You sound like an idiot when you say

“texting while also talking.”

CAROL. No! I will never say that stupid word! So . . . fine! I’ll leave, yet

again, and hopefully this time find a seat with like-minded, respectful

people.

(CAROL storms offstage.)

MIKAEL. Hey, quick favor.

CAROL. Uh . . . okay. I don’t know if I can, but—

MIKAEL. It’ll be real quick.

CAROL. Okay.

MIKAEL. If I need to take a quick snooze, could I use either your shoulder

or lap as a pillow?

CAROL. No.

MIKAEL. Ah, man, really?

CAROL. Yeah. Please don’t.

MIKAEL. All right. All right.

(MIKAEL slumps in his chair. Annoyed. He watches for a bit.)

MIKAEL. Thing is, I’m not a long nap-taker. I take real succinct catnaps.

10, 15 minutes. I hardly ever drool.

CAROL. Sorry, I just . . . I don’t know you, and that’s weird.

MIKAEL. I do this on the bus all the time and no one ever minds.

CAROL. Uh . . . well . . . I do.

MIKAEL. Really? Huh. Okay.

CAROL. Hey. Uh . . . Mr. Uh . . . excuse me.

MIKAEL. No! Karate!

CAROL. Ow!

MIKAEL. Oh, jeez. Sorry.

CAROL. What the heck?

MIKAEL. I was having a bad dream. It happens when I’m forced to sleep

in uncomfortable positions.

CAROL. So what you’re saying it’s my fault?

MIKAEL. Well . . . yes?

CAROL. What!?

MIKAEL. Look! Can I now please take a nap on your shoulder?

CAROL. No!

MIKAEL. But you see what happens when I’m not comfortable! I Karate

wake up and people get hurt.

CAROL. Well, how about you just stay awake?!

CROWD MEMBER. Why don’t you just let him sleep on your shoulder?

He seems like a nice boy.

CAROL. No! It’s a violation of my personal space and . . . no!

CROWD MEMBER. Look, you’re being a huge distraction. The sooner

you let him nap on your shoulder, the sooner we can get back to watching

the play and—

CAROL. Me! I’m distracting?! But he . . . he’s the one who wanted to take

a nap on me!

CROWD MEMBER. And that doesn’t bother me!

CAROL. Aahh! Fine. I . . . If I’m the problem then . . . I’ll just leave!

Okay. I’ll leave!

(CAROL storms offstage.)