Sandwich

Guys, look!

I’ve invented bread!

Hey, remember when

I invented bread?

People were like, how’d he do it? He invented something, could I invent something

too? And I’d tell them, you know, either you got it or you don’t.

Most people, they’re never going to

make anything unique, and that’s okay.

Sure. And it’s fine. But, bread, it kind of sets the standard for every other invention, do

you know what I mean? Like, if something’s really good, what do they call it? “The best thing since bread.”

Bread. Often imitated, never

duplicated. The original. Bread.

It’s like, hey, good try, huh? You invented something. And it’s good. Maybe even great. In fact, I’d

go so far as to say that it’s the best thing…SINCE bread. Because bread, uh, can’t be beat.

Say

what?

They do. Everyone says it.

I say it. It’s a saying.

Sliced bread. Huh. (Beat.) Sure. It’s bread, you slice

it up. It’s good sliced, it’s good unsliced.

How does

it go?

So when they

say sliced bread, it’s…

But sliced

bread IS bread.

Sliced like how? Is there some secret way of slicing bread

that everyone’s on about, or what are we talking about here.

What is

that, “pre-sliced?”

Who’s already

slicing up bread?

Oh yeah? And what

does he call that?

Sliced… Okay, well, uh, it’s none of my business how they do things two villages over, but I have to wonder what this guy is thinking,

just, uh, slicing up bread for other people. Everyone’s supposed to have a JOB. I have a JOB. I MAKE…BREAD. What does this guy do?

THAT’S NOT A JOB!

THAT’S A MENIAL TASK.

I…INVENTED…bread. And this guy two

tribes over…HAPPENS to have a knife.

He INVENTED a need. Who

needs their bread pre-sliced, huh?

Exactly.

Nobody.

Hey, give me that knife for a second. Thanks. I’LL KILL HIM!

He’s DEAD! DEAD! YOU WANT SLICES, I’LL GIVE YA SLICES! COME ON.

Thanks for coming to

the table on this.

Right. So, let’s lay it out. We’re

talking cows, we’re talking people. We’re talking domestication.

We’ve got a proven track record here. We’ve

had some big successes with cats and dogs.

Cows, yeah. So,

what do you think?

Well, absolutely. We’re

very committed to this.

Oh, you wouldn’t live

inside with us. Due to…

And

the smell.

We’d have you outside, just outside, doing your own thing.

Picture this: Red barn. White picket fence. Blue sky. Green grass.

You

got it.

Well you

better believe it.

The red barn,

the white fence…

Oh,

no.

No,

no, no.

(Cow) If it’s just the milk, we should be okay.

(Person 1) Uh…

(Cow) The…so you’re talking about…

(Person 1) Yeah.

We

know.

We can work

that all out later.

We’d likely keep

on hunting you.

Well, uh, just

ask the giant beaver.

(1st Line) Or the

giant anything.

(2nd Line) Or the

saber-toothed tiger.

Woolly mammoth. Big

trunk, big tusks.

We got to

a yes though.

So…what

do you say?

Same deal as the cow,

but we won’t milk you.

Here I am, captain, my captain, and may I say, you look especially

noble today, on this, the day of your victory against the Dastardly Spanish Fleets.

A noble and fitting idea, Captain. I

shall get to work straight away. Only…

A noble and fitting meal begins with a noble and

fitting SAUCE, and there is no cream on this island.

Completely

non-dairy.

A sauce without milk, or cream. Impossible? Perhaps. But I am a member of the FRENCH NAVY, and we scoff

at the impossible! So, let’s see… We have oil…we have eggs…and if I were to combine them just so…

Indeed I have, my

noble, fitting, and conventinally-attractive Captain.

I needed you to be the first to

know that I have invented…A NEW SAUCE.

Evening,

gentlemen.

Have you had a chance

to look at the menu?

Very well. Would anyone like

to hear the specials tonight?

A

what?

You know, all of

our specials come with bread.

The meat on

top of the bread.

The bread on

top of the meat.

I

think so.

Of course.

And for you?

Of course, sir. What

would you like today?

(Carlisle) so I WANNNNT…A TACO SALAD!

(Garcon): A…

One sandwich, one burrito, one taco salad. That’s your order, then, gentlemen? It

might take some time in the kitchen to prepare these…uh…signature dishes.

I’m

sorry?

(Da) I work in the coal mines.

(Son) Yes, Da.

(Da) It’s a hard life in the coal mines!

(Son) Yes, Da.

(Da) Do you understand me, son?

(Son) Yes, Da.

(Da) …do ye think that you might find work in these same mines?

(Son) No, Da.

(Da) Wait, did you say NO da?

(Son) Yes, Da.

(Da) yes I’ll go work in the coal mines.

(Son) Yes, Da.

(Da) So you WILL?

(Son) Noooo, Da.

(Da) OH WON’T YOU?

(Son) No, Da.

(Da) is that it?

(Son) Yes, Da.

(Da) do you?

(Son) Yes, Da.

(Da) HAVE YOU?

(Son) YES, DA!

(Da) Speak up boy!

(Son) I want.

(Da) Yesss.

(Son) I want…

I want to design a line of intense flavor experiences. It’s called Smoky Baja Chipotle. And it’s NEW,

and it’s EXCITING, and it’s got MALTODEXTRIN and it’s much nicer than going down into those dirty old mines.

(Da) You know why?

(Son) Why, Da?