Interpersonal Communication: Chapter 10

Understanding Relational Expectations and Violations

Socially-based expectations: You have expectations for what it means to be a best friend, for how you should be treated by a romantic partner or spouse, for how an opposite-sex friend behaves toward you, and so on.

Relationship-Specific Expectations: Developing sets of implicit and explicit expectations and understandings specific to your relationship

• Failure event or transgression: An incident marked by the breaking or violating of a relational understanding or agreement.

Severity

When Relationship Expectations are Violated: Responding with Discussion

Reproach: A message that points out a failure event and indicates that an expectation has been violated. The wording of your reproach can range from mitigating (mild) to aggravating (threatening and severe).

Account: The response to a reproach (apologies, excuses, justifications, denials, absence of an account, silence).

When Relationship Expectations are Violated: Responding with Forgiveness

1. Confront the transgression

2. Manage emotion

3. Engage in sense making

4. Seek forgiveness

5. Grant forgiveness

6. Negotiate values and rules

7. Transition, monitor, maintain, or renegotiate

Model of Forgiveness Responses to Transgressions

When Relationship Expectations are Violated: Responding with Retaliation

• A partner might want to “even the score”

• Motivation to retaliate was higher for those with fewer relational investments and when the transgression was seen as intentional.

Maintaining Long-Distance Relationships (LDR)

• The nature of the separation: Requires specific maintenance strategies in order to be successfully managed.

• The effects of time between visits: how often partners are able to see each other also affect the impacts of the physical distance. 

• Costs and rewards: Distance adds costs to maintaining a relationship: the actual monetary costs (gasoline, airline tickets, and food); the time spent commuting; and the disruption of normal routines. 

• Tensions Created by LDR: Tensions sometimes arise when one person is trying to maintain both the long-distance relationship and proximal relationships (those in close proximity).

Relationships That Challenge Social Norms

• Norms created by culture (Social values, biases, prejudices)

• Types of relationships often discouraged (Intercultural, interracial, interfaith relationships), communication problems naturally occur. Important to discuss and support both backgrounds

• In addition, many societies have social mores against romantic relationships between individuals who differ significantly in age or who are of the same sex.

Addressing Grief

• You may want to socially decenter and think about how you would like to be treated if you were in the same situation. Apply strong confirming listening skills, provide support, and engage in comforting communication

• Several factors affect the supportive communication you should offer, including

  the closeness of the relationship and the amount of time that has passed since the

  death. 

Delivering Bad News

1. A direct strategy—messages that are honest and straightforward.

2. An indirect strategy—messages that use implication and have little to no disclosure.

3. A comforting strategy—messages designed to alleviate negative emotions.

4. An empowerment strategy—messages that give the recipient choices and control.

• Be other-oriented

• Beware of MUM effect (Keeping mum about undesirable messages (choosing not to share bad news).

Deception

• Interpersonal deception theory
• Deception by omission (concealment)
• Deception by commission (lying)
• White lies
• Exaggerations
• Bald-faced lies

Interpersonal deception theory

An explanation of deception and detection as processes affected by the transactional nature of interpersonal interactions.

Reasons for Deception

1. To gain resources
2. To avoid harm or loss of resources
3. To protect one’s self-image or save face
4. For entertainment
5. To protect others’ self-image/face or safety

Effects of Deception

1. Incorrect decision-making actions
2. Harm to relationships
3. Loss of trust
4. Harm to innocent bystanders
5. Additional harms

Communication That Hurts Feelings

• Words can cause emotional pain
• Intentionality of message impacts amount of pain
• Messages from family hurt most

Three general categories of verbal reactions to messages that hurt (active verbal, acquiescent, and invulnerable).

Active verbal responses

Reactive statements made by the hurt person, such as counterattacks, self-defense statements, sarcastic comments, and demands for explanations.

Acquiescent responses

include crying, conceding, or apologizing.

 Invulnerable responses

Attempt to show that the message did not hurt—for example, ignoring the message, laughing, or remaining silent.

Jealousy

• Envy: A feeling of discontent arising from a desire for something someone else has.

• Cognitive jealousy: Includes thoughts about the loss of your partner, reflections on decreases in your partner’s time with you, and analyses of behaviors or occurrences deemed suspicious.

• Emotional or affective jealousy: Feelings of anger, hurt, distrust, worry, or concern aroused by the threat of losing a relationship.

• Behavioral jealousy: Actions taken to monitor or alter a partner’s jealousy-evoking activity.

• Using jealousy as a tactic

• Managing jealousy

Serial Argument

A series of continuing arguments focused on the same issue, which might or might not reach an endpoint. 

• Can be positive; shows desire to reach agreement
• Mostly negative; leads to stress, dissatisfaction

Serial arguments can lead to relational dissatisfaction, stress, and negative conflict patterns and tactics

Verbal Agression

The use of communication to attack another person’s self-concept. Serial arguments can lead to this.

Relational Turbulence

The turmoil and upheaval people experience during periods of relational transition

Occurs during transitional time in relationship
• Important to promote communication
• Reduces levels of uncertainty in new roles

Relationship turbulence model (RTM)

A model reflecting the tensions and conflict caused by the uncertainties couples experience during relationship transitions.

Unwanted Attention

When a person we are attracted to shuns our interest, or when a partner is no longer attracted to us, most of us move on.

• obsessive relational intrusion (ORI)

Obsessive Relational Intrusion (ORI)

Repeated invasion of a person’s privacy by a stranger or acquaintance who desires or assumes a close relationship.

Stalking

Involves repeated, unwelcome intrusions that create concern for personal safety and fear in the target. Can be thought of as an extreme form of ORI, although sometimes it is motivated by revenge and not the pursuit of a relationship.

Responding to ORI and Stalking

1. Harden the target, involves making it harder for someone to contact you or invade your space.
2. Keep others apprised
3. Avoidance

Signs of Relationship Problems: Gottman’s four categories of increasing problems

Gottman’s categories
• Criticisms
• Contempt: Engaging in insults and psychological abuse
• Defensive behaviors
• Stonewalling: Withdrawing, not responding to each other, and minimally engaging in the relationship

Repair and Rejuvenation

Success depends on many factors
• Desire of both partners to fix issue
• Stage of relationship
• Amount of positive regard between partners
• Degree partners understand reasons for relational decay
• Willingness to change behavior
Takes effort; no quick solutions

The Decision to End a Relationship

• Terminating or de-escalating a relationship is not inherently bad. Not all relationships are meant to endure.

• Breaking up an intimate relationship is hard because of the degree to which you become dependent on the other person to confirm your sense of self. 

• No single or correct way to end relationship (Bilateral or Unilateral dissolution)

bilateral: mutual ending vs. unilateral: one partner ending

How Relationships End

Partners may experience one of three types of relationship termination:

• Fading Away

• Incrementalism: Systematic progression of a relationship through each of the de-escalation stages.

• Sudden death: Abrupt and unplanned ending of a relationship.

Reasons for De-Escalating and Terminating

Romantic:

• Faults, Unwillingness to compromise, feeling constrained

Friendship:
• Physical separation, New friends replacing old friends, Dislike of personality or behavioral characteristic

The Relational Dissolution Process: First Phase

Intrapsychic phase: When an individual engages in an internal evaluation of the partner.

• Increase focus on the partner’s behaviors

• Assess costs and rewards and alternative relationships

The Relational Dissolution Process: Second Phase

Confidant Phase: Discussion and evaluation of a relationship, our concerns, and options with someone other than our partner (friends, family, or counselors).

The Relational Dissolution Process: Third Phase

Dyadic Phase: A phase in relationship termination, during which the individual discusses termination with the partner.

• Joint assessment (costs and rewards, discuss repair, reconciliation and termination)

The Relational Dissolution Process: Fourth Phase

Social phase: A phase in relationship termination, in which members of the social network around both parties are informed of and become involved in the termination process.

• Create public face-saving explanation/story

The Relational Dissolution Process: Fifth Phase

The phase in relationship termination during which the partners generate public explanations and move past the relationship.

• Finalize everything

The Relational Dissolution Process: Sixth Phase

Resurrection Process: Review and adjustment of our perspectives on self, others, and relationships while beginning the pursuit of new, meaningful relationships.

Strategies for Ending Relationships: Indirect Termination Strategies

• Withdrawal: involves reducing the amount of contact and interaction without any explanation.

• Psuedo-de-escalation: One partner claims that they want to redefine the relationship at a lower level of intimacy, but in reality, they want to end the relationship.

• Cost escalation: increase the costs associated with the relationship in order to encourage the other person to terminate it.

Strategies for Ending Relationships: Direct Termination Strategies

• Negative identity management: a direct statement of the desire to terminate the relationship

• Justification: A clear statement of the desire to end the relationship, accompanied by an honest explanation of the reasons.

• De-escalation: An honest statement of a desire to redefine the relationship at a lower level of intimacy or to move toward ending the relationship

• Positive tone: The initiator affirms the other’s positive qualities and worth, while declaring an end to the relationship in spite of such positive qualities