ACT I Bye Bye Birdie- Rosie

[1:1] A: At the induction center? He’ll be there.

[1:1] A: At the induction center? He’ll be there.

[Enter from Hot Room]

[1:1] A: Rosie, thank God you’ve come! This is the end of Almaelou Music Corporation! Conrad Birdie is going into the army!

And your faithful secretary is hereby submitting…

[slap letter on desk]

her resignation!

[1:1] A: Huh?

I just dropped in to say goodbye, Albert darling.

[Blow kiss]

Lots of luck!

[1:1] A: Rosie, you can’t! Not today of all days! My pills, where are my pills…the little white ones I take when I’m overwrought.

Here…

[pour glass of water]

[1:1] A: Not so much. Break it in half.

You’re 33 years old, Albert. You can take a whole aspirin.

[1:1] A: I am not 33; I am a long way from 33. I won’t be 33 until tomorrow…water!

[Start crossing center]

It’s no use, Albert. My mind’s made up. I’ve been with Almaelou eight years now and as you well know I’ve been a lot more than just a secretary to you.

[1:1] A: Rose! Those were moments of madness!

[start walking back to desk]

Well, between the moments of madness and the office I’ve put in a good ninety hour week. And for what?

[sit on desk]

A five- dollar raise in 1954 and a bottle of Arpege last Christmas.

[1:1] A: Promise her anything, but give her the Arpege, Rosie.

Yeah, but not a sixteenth of an ounce!

[stand]

Besides, I want something more than that.

[1:1] A: Rosie, if you’re referring to anything of a more permanent nature between you and me, I’m not ready for it. Besides, there are religious differences.

Spanish is not a religion!

[1:1] A: And if it’s part of the company you’re after, the answer is no to that, too! Almaelou is me, Mamma, and Lou…and any changes in it would kill that wonderful woman who bore me.

Nothing could kill your mother, Albert. Except maybe a silver bullet.

[1:1] A: And I won’t drop poor old Lou either. He loved you Rose!

[take his hands]

I loved Lou, too. Sure he was warm, he was loyal, he was loveable, but he died six years ago and, besides [drop hands] he was a wire-haired terrier.

Anyhow, I don’t want a part of the company. This is something much more important.

[1:1] A: Rosie, if you’re going to discuss what I think you’re going to discuss, I’m in no mood to discuss it!

[go to Albert]

There’s nothing to discuss, Albert. Conrad Birdie’s going in the Army; I’ve quit. There’s nothing you can do but give up the business and go back to college and get your…

[1:1] A: Rosie, I’m up to my ears in debt! Conrad’s got a 50,000 dollar guarantee which I can’t pay! And I’ve just take a severe overdose of aspirin…

Albert, this may be your last chance!

[music starts]

Will you listen to me Albert…I’m serious!

{AN ENGLISH TEACHER}

{AN ENGLISH TEACHER ENDS}

[1:1] A: Rose, I’ll make a deal with you. Stay with me, help me get the money to pay Conrad’s guarantee, and as soon as I’m out of the red…I’ll dissolve the company and go back to the academic life!

[jump off desk]

Albert, [shake hands] you’re on!

[1:1] A: Of course it may take a while, but I’m sure that by 1973 or ‘74 at the latest…

[slam file on desk]

[1:1] A: What’s that?

Something that’s going to push the date up a few years. Pick a name.

[1:1] A: Pick a name? What are you talking about?

All right, I’ll do it.

[picks a card]

MacAfee. Kim MacAfee. Age fifteen, president and recording secretary, Conrad Birdie Fan Club Number 2748 of Sweet Apple, Ohio.

[pick up phone]

Mary, would you get me Sweet Apple, Ohio. The numbers...(913)-215-3347. And call me right back.

[hang up]

[1:1] A: Now wait a minute! What’s going on here? Who’s Kim Whateverhername is?

Kim MacAfee, Albert, is what’s going to send you back to college with the biggest hit song this business has ever soon! It’s called “One Last Kiss!”

[1:1] A: I never heard of it.

You haven’t written it yet.

[lead Albert to the desk, sit him down]

But when you do and when that one last kiss is from Conrad Birdie on his way into the big cold Army for two long years and when he gives that kiss to one of his fans chosen at random from one million two hundred thousand hysterical teenagers, it’ll make Mr. Birdie the hottest soldier since Joan of Arc!

[1:1] A: Rose, I’m beginning to see it! We cut the record here in New York…

Take that greasy bongo-playing car thief to Sweet Apple…

[1:1] A: Let him kiss the kid…

And release the record! Albert, you’ll make enough money to stay in college the rest of your life!

[1:1] A: Rose, it’s wonderful!…Oh one last kiss; it gives so much bliss; what’s your dentifice

{music starts}

No, that’s too clinical.

{AN ENGLISH TEACHER TAG}

{An English Teacher, an English Teacher, someday he may be an english teacher}

[answer phone]

Yes? Well, every phone in Sweet Apple can’t be busy; what’s going on there? Kim MacAfee just got pinned by who? Nevermind, Mary. Keep trying and call me right back.

{FINISH ENGLISH TEACHER TAG}

[1:4] A: Oh, boy! Would you get that stuff down to Track Twelve on the double…?

[Walk in from Stg L, drop suitcases]

[1:4] A: Rosie! What are you doing?

Getting our things down to the station without any help from you, Albert.

[1:4] A: Rose, I’m sorry. I don’t suppose a generous tip would make things up…

[Give him the briefcase, walk him Stg R]

Albert, just take your briefcase and go down to that train before any of those reporters talk to Conrad alone. You know what happened last time!

[1:4] A: You hang onto it, Rose. I’ve got to wait for Mamma.

[take briefcase]

Speaking of your mother, Albert…have you told her about dissolving Almaelou?

[1:4] A: I couldn’t, Rosie. Yesterday was the anniversary.

Of what?

[1:4] A: Lou. Six years ago he was hit on 181st Street and Broadway by a loaded beer truck.

Mama: YOOHOOOOO!!

A: Do you suppose that’s Mamma?

It’s either that or the all-clear.

…

[1:4] A: Mamma, what’s the matter?

[go upstage]

[1:4] Mamma: Rose, what happened? You had a sudden shock or something?

[go to the right]

Excuse me, Albert. I think I’ll go see if Conrad’s here.

[1:4] Mamma: …Goodbye, Rose.

Goodbye, Mae.

[Exit Stg R]

[1:4] Mamma: Enjoy yourself, son. Take care. Wear your heavy coat. Be careful crossing the street. Keep your money in your inside pocket. Wear your rubbers. And eat a hot lunch…

[enter Stg R]

Albert, I thought you were going to break it to her gently.

[1:4] A: Well, as a matter of fact, Rosie, I didn’t tell her at all. I mean, she was so upset about my leaving I thought I’d better wait.

{MUSIC STARTS}

You mean you didn’t…

[1:4] Police: He’s coming! He’s coming! Conrad Birdie’s coming!

A: Come on, Rosie! Conrad’s coming! And we can’t let him talk to those reporters alone!

But Albert, you promised me that…

[1:4] A: Later, Rosie! Conrad needs me. Later…

{A HEALTHY NORMAL AMERICAN BOY}

[1:5] A: Rosie, you stay here. I’m going with Conrad!

[follow Albert C Stg]

But Albert…

[1:5] A: I’ve got to make Conrad’s speech for him! You get the bags, stack ‘em, and bring ‘em to the house. If I see a taxi, I’ll send it back…

[set briefcase on bench, pretend you’re doing something and EAVESDROP!]

[1:5] Hugo: The boy she loves is the boy who makes her dizzy and almost faint…And you heard her lady! That boy is me!

{LET’S SETTLE DOWN}

[1:5] A: Rosie, what’s the matter?

I was just thinking of you, Albert…

[1:5] A: Nevermind thinking of me! My speech! Where is it?

In the briefcase.

[1:8]

[scene starts]

Well, this is it Albert. What do you think?

[1:8] A: It looks great, Rose! Now there’s something I want to talk to you about…

‘Course it’s been used as a movie house for the past thirty years bit I think it’ll be fine for the TV show.

[1:8] A: It’ll be swell, Rose. Now what I wanted to say was…

They’re shipping down the lights today, and whatever costumes can