Sally Perks and Bippy - Lines and Queues

For Puffs, the 90-ish Minute/One Act Edition by Matt Cox.

LEANNE: Guys. Guess what? We're all Wizards!

PUFFS: Yeah.

J. FINCH: Hey, we should all introduce ourselves! I'm J. Finch Fletchley. I'm boyish and fun!

PUFFS: Hi!

SUSIE BONES: I'm Susie Bones. One time my entire family was murdered. Except my aunt.

PUFFS: Hi!

WAYNE HOPKINS: I'm Wayne. I've read the Silmarillion, twice.

PUFFS: Hi!

SALLY PERKS: I'm Sally Perks. And I go to this school!

PUFFS: Hi!

ERNIE MAC: Who's that? It's me, Ernie Mac! I'm basically the best… so hi.

PUFFS: Hi!

HANNAH: Who's that? It's me… Hannah. I'm Hannah.

PUFFS: Hi!

LEANNE: I was raised in a cabin by my grandparents and you're the first other children I've ever seen, oh and I'm a wizard. And my name is Leanne.

PUFFS: Hi?

OLIVER RIVERS: Um, Oliver Rivers, and I'm just here to keep my head down and get a fundamental understanding of wizard-ing basics.

PUFFS: Hi!

MEGAN JONES: Um. Megan Jones.

gasp, leap back in fear

WAYNE HOPKINS: H…

PUFFS: Shhhh!

CEDRIC: And my name… is Cedric.

gasp, fangirl, scream, clap excitedly

CEDRIC: Thanks. Now gather round, don't be shy. Welcome to the Puffs.

kneel in front of group

CEDRIC AND PUFFS: Hi!

CEDRIC: Just a few things to get you aqquainted to the school. First, the stairs move.

gasp

CEDRIC: Don't freak out. Just breathe. Second… the Puffs don't exactly have the best reputation here. Peple will make jokes about you.

PUFFS: Aw.

CEDRIC: Or throw food at you.

PUFFS: Awhhh.

CEDIRC: Or, they might curse you.

PUFFS: AHHHH!

CEDRIC: This year, we're going to win. Or, we're going to get second. OR, we're going to get third. Third or nothing!

All chant

PUFFS: Third or nothing. Third or nothing! THIRD OR NOTHING!!

J. FINCH: If Cedirc's going to bed, I'm going to bed too! J. Finch out!

SALLY PERKS: Oh, I just have the coziest blankets!

WAYNE HOPKINS: I mean, it's just magic. How hard can it possibly be?

Bell rings

Rush on excitedly with a stool, meet in the middle and chat with other Puffs.

SALLY PERKS: Oh, I just love going to this school!

A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: Sit. Everyone. Now. You are here to learn the art of potion ma-Ohhhh, Puffs.

Find a seat, 2nd from right if possible.

PUFFS: Hi!

A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: No. That's lotion.

raise hand, jump up

SALLY PERKS: It's the place all the fishes live!

A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: Class dismissed.

bell rings

find a different stool, left of middle if possible.

PROFESSOR McG: Transfiguation: the art of-oh. Puffs.

PUFFS: Hi!

PROFESSOR McG: Yes, hello. Um. We're going to turn things. Into other things. Wooow! Go crazy.

PUFFS: YEAH! WOO!

jump up, go behind stool to practice wand waving with J Finch and Susie Bones

PROFESSOR McG: Five points from the puffs.

bell rings

find a new stool, 2nd from left if possible.

PROFESSOR SPROUTY: Class! We're going to go look at plants!

PUFFS: YAY! PLANTS!

take two stools and exit

Professor Turban: T…T…T…Troll! In the dungeon!

SALLY PERKS: In THIS economy??

Cedric: Everyone, quick! Puffs Emergency Formation #4!

crouch in front/right of Cedric

PUFFS: We are not a threat. Please, be our friend?We are not a threat. Please, be our friend?

Narrator: Ugh. Meanwhile, in the Puff common room!

crying, more of a plea than a chant

PUFFS: We are not a threat! Please be our friend?!

Cedric: Everyone, everyone! Calm down. We're safe in our basement. This will be the only time our lives will ever be in danger here. Ever. Now. I'm off to bed.

SALLY PERKS: Cedric always has good ideas!

J. FINCH: Olive Gardium Leviosa.

SALLY PERKS: No. It's Olive Gardium Leviosahh.

CEDRIC: CAN I HEAR A THIRD PLACE?!

PUFFS: THIRD PLACE!

WAYNE HOPKINS: Pure nerve?

PUFFS: Standing up to friends?!

FIRST HEADMASTER: Haha! Oh, me.

PUFFS: Awww.

LEANNE: Hey. Don't be sad. This year we learned skills, built friendships, and nobody died except that teacher! What a year! You cant put a number on life! Unless you can, in which case, it's four. Fourth place for us!

PUFFS: Awwwwwwwwww.

CEDRIC: But hey… we're wizards.

PUFFS: Yeaaaah!

WAYNE HOPKINS: He's going to kill everyone!

PUFFS: AHHHHHHHH! AHHHH! WE ARE NOT A THREAT!

transition to fear huddle

PUFFS: Please be our friend

J. FINCH: I promise… Welp! I'm going to leave now, bye!

PUFFS: Bye!

SALLY PERKS: Let's all go to bed?

Puffs chatter

SALLY PERKS: Tomorrow will be okay.

LEANNE: Aw. Everyone is busy.

SALLY PERKS: Hmm. What's this?

WAYNE & OLIVER: Hi, Sally.

SALLY PERKS: You boys are having a slumber party? Ooh!

removes glasses

WAYNE & OLIVER: HI, SALLY.

SALLY PERKS: Hm. I don't have a sleeping bag. Guess I'll have to share. Hahaha.

WAYNE & OLIVER: HAHAHAHAHA!

realizes something, then tosses glasses away

SALLY PERKS: Guess I'll be seeing you boys… around.

leaves, or tries to

SECOND HEADMASTER: Attention students… the Headmaster here. The murderer is in the school he attacked a portrait then left. Report to the Great Hall! I SAID NOW!

Bored

PUFFS: We are not a threat. Please be our friend.

SUSIE BONES: That poor painting.

PUFFS: That poor painting.

CEDRIC: Everyone, I've been told to inform you it looks like we'll be spending the whole night here.

Sad

PUFFS: Awww.

J. FINCH: A cool one?

cross arms

PUFFS: YEAH.

SECOND HEADMASTER: Attention, students. It's time for sleep. Go to sleep. NOW!

PUFFS: Awwww. But how does it end?

MEGAN JONES: Fine. Puff Hug.

PUFFS: YAY! PUFF HUG!!!!

SECOND HEADMASTER: Attention students! You're all safe. We think. Don't forget! Tomorrow you have a field trip into town. HAVE FUN!

PUFFS: FIELD TRIP!

HANNAH: I hear he can turn into a…uh…flowery shrub…it's true.

feigning interest

PUFFS: Ohhh.

ERNIE MAC: I heard a rumor that our new teacher. He's a were- a were-

SALLY PERKS: Aware of what?!

CEDRIC: Hold still.

PUFFS: Ahhhhh…

raises hand

CEDRIC: Hold still.

PUFFS: Ahhhh…

SUSIE BONES: I know how you feel. Life is a nightmare.

PUFFS: Yeah.

LEANNE: Guys?! I don't know how I got out here?!

PUFFS: YEAH!

LEANNE: FOURTH PLACE!

PUFFS: FOURTH! PLACE!!!

MEGAN JONES: Whoever it is, we're stuck focusing on them for the entire year. If this school has taught me anything, we're going to be disappointed.

not excited

PUFFS: Yeah.

SECOND HEADMASTER: Ow! Hot! Fire! …Mr. Diggory.

beat of stunned silence

PUFFS: AHHHHHHHH! Cedric, Cedric, Cedric!

SECOND HEADMASTER: Did you put your name in that little ol' cup over there? Did you? I'm the definition of calm right now.

PUFFS: Aww.

WAYNE HOPKINS: Never mind that. We have a job to do. We have to make sure the right winner wins. Potter's had his turn. Cedric is our champion!

PUFFS: Cedric!!!

WAYNE HOPKINS: Great. Let's go make some badges?

PUFFS: Badges!

OLIVER RIVERS: Hi. I'm sure you two are going to be all right. There's no need to yell at me. Whoa! This is too far. You can bloody whatever yourself. You really are the worst member of your family.

PUFFS: Cedric! Cedric! Cedric!

MR. BAGMAN: Weighing in at 12 1/4 inches, with the hair of a unicorn. Hailing from the quiet town of St. Catchpole. Put your hands together for this sixth year… MR. DIGGORY!

Puffs cheer

SALLY PERKS: I know him!

MR. BAGMAN: It's time to BEGIN!

PUFFS: CEDRIC CEDRIC HE'S OUR MAN IF HE CAN'T DO IT WE'LL STILL BE HAPPY WE HAD THIS CHANCE! GO CEDRIC!

MR. BAGMAN: Need I remind everyone that there is still a dragon. Right there.

PUFFS: AHH! Yay! AHH! Yay!

CEDRIC: Hello, bathtub!

BATHROOM (ALL ON STAGE): Hello, Cedric.

CEDRIC: I'm going to go underwater now! Bye!

BATHROOM: MERMAIDS… STEAL YOUR FRIENDS… MERMAIDS!

CEDRIC: Thanks. Bye, bathtub!

BATHROOM: Bye, Cedric!

CEDRIC: Hey! Everyone! Let's show them how the Puffs party! Emergency formation #7!

PUFFS: PUFFS! ROLLCALL!

CEDRIC: Cedric!

attempt to say names on beat

CEDRIC: Close. All right, I'm off to bed!

PUFFS: OOH! BED!

WAYNE HOPKINS: We are just staring at a lake… just loooooking at a lake.

long stretch of silence

SALLY PERKS (with much enthusiasm): Oh! …No. …I thought I saw something. ……….I did not.

NARRATOR: This tied him in first overall with none other than…

PUFFS: CEDRIC! CEDRIC, CEDRIC, CEDRIC!

NARRATOR: The Third Task was months away, and everyone collectively remembered: oh yeah, this is a school. Maybe we should study?

Puffs chatter

SALLY PERKS: There's studying at this school?

WAYNE HOPKINS: EVERYONE, quiet! I want to be able to remember the exact moment Cedric comes out of that maze.

a portal opens with a boom

SALLY PERKS: LOOK IT'S CEDRIC!

PUFFS: AHHHHHH!! FIRST PLACE! FIRST PLACE!

HANNAH: Wake up, Cedric! You're a winner!

PUFFS: First plaaaceeee!

NARRATOR: …THE PUFFS AND…THE YEAR WE WILL GET THROUGH QUICKLY.

gather in common room

SALLY PERKS: Everyone. We're all still alive.

J. FINCH: I'm just happy to be here with all of you. My friends. Feelings:

PUFFS: J. FINCH APPROVED!

WAYNE HOPKINS: HEY! STOP HUGGING. "Welcome back, everybody."

PUFFS: Hiiii!

OLIVER RIVERS: Aw. Everything is back to normal!

pop in

SALLY PERKS: OH NO! He-Whose-Name-We-Can't-Say is definitely back.

J. FINCH: Harry fought him. Again!

PUFFS: Nobody is safe!

exit

WAYNE HOPKINS: This year? No crazy adventures. No wizard shenanigans. I'm just focusing on dates. And sports.

SALLY PERKS: Waaaayne. Hey. I thought you played pretty nice out there.

WAYNE HOPKINS: Oh. Yeah. You know, it's whatever.

SALLY PERKS: Hahaha, I do know. I go to this school. Anyways, cool. Well. Bye.

WAYNE HOPKINS: Wait! Sally. Would you like to…go out on a date sometime?

SALLY PERKS: Sure.

wink and (try to) exit

XAVIA JONES: I think you'll be coming with me, darling. HAHA!

run on with Wayne

SALLY PERKS: Hahaha! Beat you.

poke his chest a bit

WAYNE HOPKINS: Ha. Yep. You can run just as fast as you said.

"She puckers her lips and just stands there"

WAYNE HOPKINS: What? Oh. Okay.

"He lightly kisses her. She grabs him and really goes for it."

WAYNE HOPKINS: Wait! Aren't there, like, security measures against intermingling?

SALLY PERKS: Only in the other houses. They didn't think it was nessecary for the Puffs. Probably the same reason why we don't even get the Special Teenage Magic Talk. Sooo… want to come upstairs?

WAYNE HOPKINS: Uhhhhhhhhhhh…sure?

grab him and run off

MEGAN JONES: That could mean anything…

(Briefly, a falling sound. It gets louder and louder until a large splat.)

PUFFS (popping out from various places): The Headmaster is DEAD!!!

Sally --> Bippy quick change!!

WAYNE HOPKINS: Yeah. They've thrown any attempt at giving us an education out the window. Yesterday in Defense class, they just tortured a kid for three hours.

A knock at the door. The two pull out their wands, ready for a fight. The door is opened to reveal… nobody.

Elsewhere, with much energy, Bippy enters. Bippy is their brand-new elf-helper friend.

BIPPY: Hello, Mister Wyne Hopkinses! Ms. Megan Joneses! It's me! Bippy! Your little house elf friend.

Bippy bursts into song

BIPPY: I am Bippy, and I'm your best friend! We'll be together 'til the very end! Ohhh, Bippy! Bippy! We all say: yippee! Did I mention I'm your very best friend?! …(spoken) Verse two of twenty… (sung) I am Bippy-

MEGAN JONES: Bippy! We, uh, have a job for you. We need you to run. Just keep running until we tell you to stop.

BIPPY: Bippy is happy to do it. Magic exit!

wave arms magically. When nothing happens, simply run off
EXTREMELY QUICK CHANGE!!!

WAYNE HOPKINS: On the bright side, Potter was the cause of most of our problems, so as long as he stays gone…

run on with other puffs

LEANNE: He went camping!

PUFFS: To the Great Hall!

HARRY: Hello! It's me. Harry.

PUFFS: Hi!

ERNIE MAC: What if we want to stay and fight?

Everyone mutters, a bit unsure of this course of action.

HANNAH: But… why would they need us? Everybody says we're the worst at this school.

SALLY PERKS: I don't think they want the stupid people to help fight.

J. FINCH: Yeah. J. Finch is only good at Herbology. Which is the best.

PUFFS: Yeah.

LEANNE: And Sally. Remember that time you did that thing?

SALLY PERKS: I do.

J. FINCH: I'm a Puff. And I'm staying.

SUSIE, SALLY, & ERNIE: I'm a Puff. I'm staying.