Abby Brewster - Arsenic and Old Lace (Act 2)

Learn your lines

Johnathan: They wouldn’t be interested in our experience in Indiana

Well, Johnathan, you’ve led a very interesting life, I’m sure —but we really shouldn’t have alloweed you to talk this late

being handed photo

This looks more the way you used to look, but I still wouldn’t know you

Einstein: Yah, it’s safe now

Well, I know you both want to get to—where you’re going

Teddy: … And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock.

No, Teddy—not to Panama

Teddy: No—you’re not Wilson. But your face is familiar. Let me see —— You’re not anyone I know now. Perhaps later —-

It’s your brother, Johnathan, dear

Martha: He had his face changed

Perhaps you had better go to bed, Teddy —Johnathan and his friend have to go back to their hotel

Johnathan: Aunt Martha, this is my home

But, Johnathan, you can’t stay here. We need our rooms.

Johnathan: You need them?

Yes, for our lodgers.

Johnathan: Then my old room is still free

But, Johnathan, there’s no place for Dr. Einstein

Johnathan: He’ll share the room with me

No, Johnathan, I’m afraid you can’t stay here

Martha: Perhaps we’d better let them stay here tonight —-

Well, just overnight, Johnathan

Martha: It only needs airing out.

We keep it ready to show our lodgers. I think you and Dr. Einstein will find it comfortable

Johnathan: When Dr. Einstein and I get organized—when we resume practice—-Oh, I forgot to tell you. We’re turning Grandfather’s laboratory into an operating room. We expect to be quite busy.

Johnathan, we will not let you turn this house into a hospital

Martha: Well —-

For tonight

Johnathan: And if you don’t ——

Johnathan! Your room is ready

Martha: Abby, what are we going to do?

Well, we’re not going to let them stay more than one night in this house for one thing. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another.

Martha: What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins

Oh, Mr. Hoskins. It can’t be very comfortable for him in there. And he’s been so patient, the poor dear. Well, I think Teddy has better get Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away

Martha: Addy—I will not invite Johnathan to the funeral service

Oh, no. We’ll wait until they’ve gone to bed and then come down and hold the services

Teddy: General Goethals was very pleased. He says the Canal is just the right size

Teddy! Teddy, there’s been another Yellow Fever victim

Teddy: But it’s his department

No, we mustn’t tell him, Teddy. It would just spoil his visit.

Teddy: I’m sorry, Aunt Abby. It’s out of my hands—he’ll have to be told. Army regulations, you know.

No, Teddy, we must keep it a secret

Teddy: A state secret?

Yes, a state secret

Teddy: You have the word of the President of the United States. Now, let’s see—how are we going to keep it a secret?

Well, Teddy, you go back down in the cellar and when I turn out the lights—when it’s all dark—you come up and take the poor man down to the Canal. Now go along, Teddy.

Teddy: It seems to be spreading. We’ve never had Yellow Fever there before.

Martha, when Johnathan and Dr. Einstein come back, let’s see if we can get them to go to bed right away

Martha: … Abby, I’ve never even seen Mr. Hoskins

Oh, my goodness, that’s right—you were out. Well, you just come right over and see him now. He’s really very nice looking—considering he’s a Methodist.

Johnathan: We’re bringing—the luggage through here

Johnathan, your room’s waiting for you. You can go right up

Johnathan: I’m afraid we don’t keep Brooklyn hours—but you two run along to bed

Now, you must be very tired, both of you—and we don’t go to bed this early

Johnathan: … Now, then, we’re all going to bed.

I’ll wait till you’re up, then turn out the lights

Johnathan: Run along, Aunt Martha. [blocking] All right, Aunt Abby

I’ll be right up.

blocking, but I come through balcony i think

What’s the matter?

walking downstairs

What’s the matter? What are you doing?

Johnathan: We caught a burglar. Go back to your room

We’ll call the police

Mortimer: … My God! I’m still there

This is your brother Johnathan — and this is Dr. Einstein

Mortimer:: Who did you say this was?

It’s your brother Johnathan. He’s had his face changed. Dr. Einstein performed the operation

*steping between Johnathan and Mortimer

Now don’t you two boys start quarrelling again the minute you’ve seen each other

Mortimer: Not in this house

Just for tonight

Mortimer: I don’t want him anywhere near me.

But we did invite them for tonight, and it wouldn’t be very nice to go back on our word.

Mortimer: All right, tonight. But the first thing in the morning—out! Where are they sleeping?

We put them in Johnathan’s old room

Einstein: It’s all right, Chonny. While we pack I tell you all about it

Mortimer, you don’t have to sleep down here. I can go with Martha and you can take my room

Martha: No! It was Johnathan.

He mistook her for a thief

taking off hat and gloves

Martha, we can leave our hats downstairs now

Elaine: What?

Why, you wanted some sandwiches for you both. It won’t take a minute.

Mortimer: Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha!

We’ll be in in a minute

Mortimer: Come in here now!

Yes, dear, what is it? Where’s Elaine?

Mortimer: I thougth you promised not to let anyone in this house while I was gone

Well, Johnathan just walked in ——

Mortimer: I don’t mean Johnathan

And Dr. Einstein was with him —-

I don’t mean Dr. Einstein. Who’s that in the window-seat?

We told you—Mr. Hoskins

looking in the window-seat as Mortimer opens it

Who can that be?

Mortimer: Are you trying to tell me that you’ve never seen this man before?

I certainly am. Why, this is a fine how do you do! It’s getting so anybody thinks he can walk into this house

Mortimer: Now Aunt Abby, don’t you try to get out of this. That’s another one of your gentlemen

Mortimer, how can you say such a thing! That man an imposter! And if her came here to be buried in our cellar he’s mistaken

Mortimer: Oh, Aunt Abby, you admitted to me that you put Mr. Hoskins in the window-seat

Yes, I did

Mortimer: Well, this man couldn’t have just gotten the idea from Mr. Hoskins. By the way—where is Mr. Hoskins?

He must have gone to Panama

Mortimer: Oh, you buried him?

No, not yet. He’s just down there waiting for the services, poor dear. We haven’t had a minute what with Johnathan in the house. Oh, dear. We’ve always wanted to hold a double funeral, but I will not read services over a total stranger

Mortimer: A stranger! Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve men in the celler and you admit you poisoned them

Yes, I did. But you don’t think I’d stoop to telling a fib. Martha!

enter from kitchen with Martha

Martha, just look and see what’s in the window-seat

O’Hara: Hello, Miss Abby

Oh, Officer O’Hara. Is there something we can do for you?

Mortimer: No, no, come in

Yes, come in

stops Johnathan for going in kitchen

And this is another nephew, Johnathan.

O’Hara: I’ve met you here before, haven’t I

I’m afraid not. Johnathan hasn’t been home for years

Mortimer:We’re going to have some coffee in a minute. Won’t you join us?

Oh, I forgot the coffee. 

Mortimer: Oh, you’re on your way, eh? Good! You haven’t got much time, you know.

Well, everything’s just about ready. Oh, you leaving now, Johnathan? Good-bye. Good-bye, Dr. Einstein. Oh, doesn’t this case belong to you?

Martha: The kitchen?

Johnathan’s leaving

Martha: Oh. Well, that’s nice. Come along, Officer O’Hara.

Sure you don’t mind eating in the kitchen.

O’Hara: And where else would you eat?

Good-bye, Johnathan, nice to have seen you again

Johnathan: Take the bags back up to our room, Doctor.

Have they gone? Oh—we thought we heard somebody leave.

Marha: But you won’t have time

No, if you’re still here when Mortimer gets back he won’t like it

Martha: Oh no!

He can’t stay in our celler. No, Johnathan, you’ve got to take him with you

Johnathan: There’s a friend of Mortimer’s downstairs waiting for him

A friend of Mortimer’s?

Johnathan: You know about what’s downstairs?

Of course we do, and he’s no friend of Mortimer’s. He’s one of our gentlemen

Martha: Mr. Hoskins isn’t a stanger

Besides, there’s no room for Mr. Spenalzo. The celler’s crowded already.

Johnathan: Crowded? With what

There are twelve graves down there now

Johnathan: Twelve graves!

That leaves very little room and we’re going to need it

Johnathan: You mean you and Aunt Martha have murdered—-

Murdered! Certainly not. It’s one of our charities

Martha: Why, what we’ve been doing is a mercy.

So you just take your Mr. Spenalzo out of here