uncle sam lines

lights up

This is you. You enter.

You: Good morning

No no no—you are asleep.

You: OK. (lies down)

It is early. You are sleeping. There are dreams about money. There are dreams about women. There is one particular dream about a woman with money.

You: Lillian…

(softly) All is quiet.

(loudly) Your alarm clock goes off at 5:30 in the morning. You smack the snooze button.

You: Just another minute.

Your alarm clock goes off at 5:37 in the morning. You smack the snooze button.

You: Shut up.

Your alarm clock goes off at 5:43 in the morning. You smack the—

You: All right, all right. I’m up, I’m up.

You are tired, possibly hung over. You move to the bathroom. You

You: Wash face.

You

You: Brush teeth

You

You: pluck one nose hair. Shower, shampoo, condition, repeat. Towel off, pluck second nose hair, floss, pee, yawn. Get dressed, in order: boxers, socks, shirt, tie, product in the hair, pants, shiny black shoes, cologne.

And now you are ready for your day in Corporate America.

You: Money money money! Team planning! Confidence building! Spirits high. Pencils sharpened, pens sharpened, wit sharpened, phone charged. I am ready for Corporate America. Where’s my coffee?

Lesson Number One: To function in the corporate environment, set realistic goals for yourself. One such goal is—

You: Work hard.

Another such goal is—

You: Be positive.

This particular morning, you arrive at your desk feeling pert, at ease, eager to put your best pencil forward. Lesson Number Two: At the head of each workday, take a moment to write down the realistic goals for that day. Then decide which of these goals you will first pursue. Today you will, A.

You: Adjust the financials spreadsheet to meet the sales force requirements

B

You: Discuss the feasibility of adapting the PowerPoint presentation for the management committee

Or C

You: Attempt to kill a man with my mind.

You choose C: Attempt to Kill a Man with Your Mind.

You: Perfect.

Coffee in hand, tie straightened, you are ready to go. Once the objective is determined, you must—Lesson Number Three—clarify the demands of said objective.

You: I certainly could use some clarification. Hmm…it seems as though the choice I made is the right choice. Although I guess, before I can continue, I need to determine which particular man I will attempt to kill. With my mind.

There are few people with whom you work that you wish to see dead. There are several people with whom you work that you would not mind seeing dead. And then there is Lillian.

You: Lillian is beautiful, blond, single—a real catch. We do lunches at the taco place down the street. Nachos with extra guac. She hardly eats any of it, but when she does, its pretty sexy. She works out a lot and she’s got that tight little ass, even though I’m not allowed to mention that. Sexual harassment laws, you know. But that’s OK, because I think she’s aware of how tight her little ass is.

Lesson Number Four: Do not sexually harass women in the workplace. Only men.

You: Whatever. So I guess Lilian is out. There is, however, my coworker, Cecil—

Selection A: Cecil

Cecil: Hey! Buddy! I was thinking. . . You’re an OK guy, buddy, an OK guy.

You: No—no. That’s too predictable. Besides, half the fun is watching him pass out in the bathroom after one Zima.

Quite.

You: Then, of course, there’s my administrative assistant, Cecile—

Selection B: Cecile

Cecile: I’m not exactly sure how to do this. I’m supposed to type the name and talk on the phone at the same time? Can you show me how to use the intercom again? Never mind, just look at pictures of my children. This one has the flu and was throwing up pop tarts and gelt all over my living room floor, and this one forgot her diaper and made a poopy in the kitchen. Poopy poopy poop. I didn’t get the message because I never had my voice mail set up. Did you see Lorraine in accounting? She got so big after her wedding. I’m lucky I have good genes. I’d never let myself get so fat.

Like nails on glass.

You: But she’s useful—I just taught her how my filing system works. It took a few weeks, but the concept of alphabetical has almost sunk in.

Cecile: A B D E F G H. . .

You: No, I don’t think it’s going to be her.

Then who?

You: Well, the last option is, I guess the obvious one—my boss, Mr. Sessle.

Selection C: Mr Sessle

Sessle: You there. You finished that spreadsheet yet?

You: It’s on my list of things to do, Mr Sessle

Sessle: Good. I want it first thing tomorrow morning. . . as long as she changes the sheets and doesn’t touch my things.

You: Uh…I don’t think…

Sessle: It’s a joke, son, just a joke! She can touch my things, she can touch my things.

You: Bingo!

Excellent! Once the decision is made, you are ready to begin. Lesson Number Five: Locate the most time-efficient and cost-effective way to achieve your goal. Method One: Murder via Meditation.

You: OK, I’ll—

Sit on the floor.

You: Then—

Cross your legs.

You: And finally—

Concentrate. Picture death as a floating lotus blossom in your mind. Chant with me: Lo-tus. Lo-tus. Lo-tus.

(cont).

You: LO-TUS! LO-TUS! LO-TUS! AAAAAAAAARRRRGH!

(You collapses on the floor)

When faced with adversity, keep a stiff upper lip. Remember that difficulties are an asset. Lesson Number Six: Failure is another word for Opportunity to Improve.

You: That’s right. I can do this.

That’s the spirit. You stand up. You shake out. You breathe deep. You vocalize.

You: Me me me me me me me me meeeee

You try again. Method Two: Subliminal Interference.

(cont).

Sessle: Hmm. Hmm. Makes sense. Makes sense. But I don’t get it. Well, we’ll be staying late tonight until we can learn this new technique. Why don’t we order in pizza? Your treat.

You: DIE?

There may come a time in your life when you begin to feel disappointed. Possibly, suicidal.

You: Suicidal?

You are tired once more. Your efforts seem in vain. You become unmotivated, detached. You sigh. You cut yourself with a letter opener. Maybe you poke at your hand with a sharpened pencil.

You: Ouch.

There is nowhere to turn. You look to drugs and or alcohol. You may decide to ingest A.

You: Tequila.

B.

You: Arsenic.

Or C.

You: Patio furniture.

But you remember to maintain hope in the face of adversity. Delay in achievement does not determine whether or not your objective will eventually be achieved.

(cont).

Sessle: Why, I’m having you fire Lillian, of course! Good-looking, yes, but I think we can do without her! You’ll just have to take on all of her responsibilities without any of the compensation. I’m too busy. I’m taking a watercolor class on Tuesday nights. Which reminds me…gotta go to the little director’s room!

(sessle exits)

You are angry.

You: I am angry.

You are livid.

You: I am livid.

You are renewed! Lesson Number Seven: Let anger be your kick in the ass. Frustration and agitation can often serve as motivation!

You: I wanna try again!

Method Three: Rupturing Rage! Plant your feet!

You: Planted!

Clench your fists!

You: Clenched!

Tighten your muscles! And… (mr sessle enters) GO!

(cont).

Sessle: Delegate…must delegate…

(sessle collapses)

You: I did it.

Hard work and effort can often result in triumph. Feel free to pat yourself on the back.

You: I can’t believe I did it!

You smile. You shake your own hand. Victory is a delicious sensation. Like tiramisu.

(cont).

Sessle: That’s right. And then maybe you can teach me how to use that damned fax machine.

You: Yes, sir.

You are a little disappointed, but all is back to normal in Corporate America. Lesson Number Eight: Sometimes the status quo can be quite appealing. You are content with the outcome of your objective. You may have hit a stumbling block along the way, but you can always return to your list in the morning and begin anew.

You: I can.

You return to your desk and stare into space. And while you stare, you dream. You dream about money. You dream about women. You have one particular dream about a woman with money.