Happy Birthday Heather Higby

its goes up stage due/line as term, my line after as definition

(start of show)

All right, everyone, listen up. My name is Mercy Nightgale. I have brought you here under false pretenses. This is not actually a play. This is more like a trap. Every single person here is going to help me destroy my arch-nemesis Heather Higby.

Spy One: “Eight minutes!”

Thank you (wait for spy one to exit) Heather is on her way here even as I speak, so well need to move fast. Here is a quick lesson on what we’re doing and who we’re doing it to. This is Heather Higby.

Monster heather enters

This is not actually heather, this is a more appealing stand-in. Note the crazed expression in the eyes. Not also heather’s claws, useful for stabbing people in the back. And of course, the fangs, desinged t make sure something unpleasant happened every time she opens her mouth. Say hello heather.

Charlene: Excuse me.

Yes?

Charlene: “ I hate to be- you jumped to gun. You’re on next. After us.”

No.

Charlene: my play- it’s actua;;y more like performace art- is called Sparks. It’s schedules right before yours’

Yes, charlene, and look at the bottom, where it says “order of plays subject to change.

Charlene: Well my mom has to visit my aunt, who’s sickso i have to get home to watch my sister”

We already started.

Charlene: I know

Plus, my timing is crucial. I have a “guest” arriving in six minutes and thirteen seconds.

Charlene: Well we can do our plays side by side. You know sort of alternate scnes.

That’s not gonna work.

Charlene: I already got Mrs. teachers permission.

She’s not here.

Charlenbe: She will be if i call her and tell her what you’re doing.

What’s you art thing about?

Charlene: Gossip and rumors.

All right, that’s not an excellent companion piece them-wise.

Charlene: Actually it sort of is.

No.

Charlene: Im taking the pro-position.

Pro?

Char: Uh-huh. I’m all for spreading rumors. I think we shoudl gossip more.

You’re right, this could work! Spies! (wait for spies to enter) These are my spies. Spy one.

Spy one: (name) Hi.

And spy two.

Spy two: Hey there (name) A spy.

I need a few extra minutes. Find a way to slow down heather.

Spy two: done (they exit)

So what? WE alternate scenes?

Char: Uh-huh. Ar you done with your intro?

No.

Char: No sweat. I’ll wait offstage. Just tell me my cue.

Your cue is: I blow out this candle.

Char: Got it. (She exits)

Right now, the main thing i need you to notice about Heather is the smiles. She smiles constantly. She is filled with annoying happiness, and it’s our job to fix that.Heather, I congradulate you on your optimistic, sunny point of veiw. It is that point of veiw that I am going to use to crush you. So happy birthday, Heather Higby. I am plotting your doom. That’s doom. D-O-O-O-M. DOOOOM.

Charlene: So. Is it our turn yet?

Not quite, obviously.

Charlene: well, like you said, wer’re running out of time.

Just go. WHERE DID THIS CANDLE COEM FROM? (To charlene) What’s my cue to come back?

Teachers: loud buzzer. Teachers exitt and mercy enters

My Heather revenge consists of three parts. Part one is devaastating. PArt two is extra devastating. And part three is my patened ultimate revenge of destroying doom. For ther last week, my spies have been collecting information. They’ve been talking to people who know Heather now, and who knew her in the past: enemies and freneimes and people with secret grudges. My spies are amking lists of everything Heather doesn’t want known about her, every unkind thing she’s done or said, every embaressing secret. And when Heather arrives here, they’re going to tell us all of these things. The only thing better than revenge is public revenge, humiliation infront of an audience. But before public humilation comes pricate fear. Part one: Paranoia. Heather starts to worry that people are talking about her because they are. It’s easy to do. Being it on!

Charlene: Is that what I think it is?

Why are you still on stage?

Charlene: what is that?

It’s a rumor.

Charlene: That’s an awfully mean rumor

thank you.

Charlene: You dont really want to release that thing.

yes I do.

Charlene: what good will that do?

It’ll hurt heather.

Charlene: I said what good will that do?

and I told you, it’ll hurt heather. Look how solidly built is is. This is one rumor guaranteed to travel and travel and just keep traveling.

Charlene: Mercy please dont release thing out into the world.

Why should I? Huh? I asked you a question.

Charlene: Heather is a friend of mine.

I know that. Of course I know that. I thought you were all for rumors.

Charlene: this one’s too ugly.

No such thing as too ugly. Go ahead.

Charlene: Stop!

You can’t stop it. Watch what happens when it find someone it likes.

Charlene: oh no.

Yup. it multiplies.

Charlene: That one’s a little different.

It changes as it spreads.

Charlene: they’re getting uglier

Uglier and meaner, that’s by desing.

Passerby student: That one’s almost dead.

It happens sometimes. But you can usually find someone else to feed it.

Charlene: Ew what is that.

It’s a dont tell any-worm.

Charlene: why are you doing this

(to rumors) follow me! I said follow me!

Charlene: They provide light, and heat if there are enough of them. They let is see better and help to keep us warm.

I’m not a bully! I’m an avenging angel! How do you know about my brother.

Charlene: STOP!! I SAID STOP!

Part two of my plan! Metamorphosis! menaporphisis is the art of saying something nice while making it cruel. When you speak to heather, no matter what you say, you can say it with cruelty built right in. If used properly this technique is devastating and untraceable. I need three volunteers. You have to be able to read. Raise your hands!! NOW. You. You. And you.

After handing out papers to volunteers

Open your papers when I say so. Meanamorphasis is a skill. like any skill, it takes practice. When you open your paper, you are to read it and say it as meanly as possible… Are you ready? Go.

Volunteer 1: Hello.

Meaner.

Volunteer 1: hello.

MEANER!! (turning to 2nd volunteer) Your turn. All the cruelty you can muster. Are you ready?

Volunteer 2: Which way is it to the library?

And finally you. Say this sentence in a way that will cause Heather’s teeth to fall out.

Volunteer 3: Thank you for donating me that kidney.

meaner!

volunteer 3: Thank you for donating me that kidney!

Amateur! Watch and learn. Hello! Which way is the library? Thank you for donating me that kidney. That’s how you do it!

Spy 2: She’s on her way! Heather’s doom in t-minus 81 seconds.

Excellent!!

Charlene: It’s my turn.

We’re canceling your turn. In 74 seconds, we’re destroying Heather Higby. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Charlene: Can I ask you something?

Hmm Quickly.

Charlene: What exactly did Heather do to you?

It’s not…

Charlene: What?

It’s not any one thing. It’s more like a.. you know she has all these friends and… they’re always together. And they don’t say hi to you and… you know. You can just tell that they…

Charlene: That they what?

You can tell that part of what’s fun for them about being fun for them about being friends together is that they’re not friends with you.

Charlene: That sounds awful.

You’re one of them.

Charlene: oh.

Yeah.

Charlene: huh.

Yeah. Not even, like, a hello in the hall.

Charlene: You dont say hello either.

You’re with a whole group.

Charlene: I’m sorry.

It’s Heather who’s about to be sorry. In 31 seconds.

Charlene: I wonder if it would help if you knew some things about heather.

It wouldn’t.

Charlene: It might.

Too late. Heather is going to be here in 14 seconds.

Charlene: Still, I wish you’d let me yell you some things.

You’ve run out of time…. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1…… HELLO!?

Charlene: I intercepted your spies. Your spies are double agents. They’ve been secretly working of for me. spies!

What do you mean they’ve been working for you?

Spy 1: And here’s something else good about Heather Higby. Heather once defended you in conversation.

Defended how?

Spy 1: someone told her that you’d said mean things about her.

Well, that might have almost been true.

Spy 2: Heather said that that probably wasn’t your best moment. Then she told us about your brother.

How did she know about my brother?

Heather: Hey. Is this- they said it was ok to just come onstage.

Yeah, it’s ok.

Heather: What were you saying?

I was saying.. uh well actually what we were saying was..