Katherine Howard Lines

Jane Seymour: We are…

(sung) six

(sung) six

And Welcome to our divorced, beheaded, live tour!

Catherine Parr: Shimmies strong enough to shake your corset

And a whole lot of history

Jane Seymour: But we’re not just here to sing and dance

Nope. We’ve got some royal business to settle

Catherine of Aragon: here’s the problem

There are six of us

All: there are six of us

and everyone’s always got a favorite

Catherine Parr: Who made history?

Or…”who slayed the hardest”

Anna of Cleves: “who was most chased should be first place”

“Most infamous is most fabulous”

Jane Seymour: the rose among the thorns

the fiercest royal of them all

Anna of Cleves: exactly. The queen to take the crown should be the one who had to put up with the most trouble from the man who put a ring on it

So, Pennsylvania, we’re gonna hold a little contest

Anna of Cleves: the queen for whom things didn’t really go as planned…

Shall be the one to lead the band!

So tell us, Pennsylvania, are you ready to choose your leading lady?

Oh come on, we said are you ready?

Catherine of Aragon: Thank you, thank you. Clearly I had the most to deal with from the king. And I hit that high note like a royal battle cry, so, where’s my crown?

Wait wait wait. Who was that other one again?

Catherine of Aragon: Still me

No no-I’m thinking of someone really significant

Anna of Cleves: Yeah! The one people actually care about

Exactly! She’s iconic, slightly scandalous, totally unforgettable

Anne Boleyn: So yeah, what a weekend. I’m like dead.

Wait-hold on. Didn’t you actually die?

Anna Boleyn: (singing) Catherine was a massive-

(ad-libbing protests)

Anne Boleyn: Fine. Queen please.

Wait, weren’t you the one he actually loved

Catherine Parr: Looking for loyalty, diplomacy, and a steady husband to maintain continental relations. wink.

Oof, tough break. Christina’s already swiped right on the Duke of Milan.

Jane Seymour: Next Up: Amalia of Cleves

German-born, drama-free, and ready to bring a massive dowry to the table. #nocatholics #newcrownwhodis

Anne Boleyn: And we have a winner!

Get ready for love, power, and…mild disappointment (all) in the house of Holbein!

Anna of Cleves: A palace of my own. A royal allowance. Total Independence. It’s just…So heartbreaking.

(all) So. Devastating.

Catherine Parr: Ok ok, clearly we’re spiraling. Let’s move it along. Next Up- Kate Howard.

Sorry, Who?

Catherine of Aragon: You know, the least iconic Katherine

Ha. Ha. Hilarious

Anne Boleyn: Speaking of jokes…best of luck topping any of our sob stories sweetheart

Yeah, no you’re right. I’m really gonna need that luck. Your lives sounded terrible. And your songs. Really helps to convey that. I mean Catherine, almost moving to a nunnery, and then not? That almost could have been really hard for you. And Anne, getting your head chopped off. Surely that means you’ll win the competitio-oh wait, divorced beheaded died, divorced beheaded-oh. Never mind. And Jane? Dying of natural causes. When will Justice be served? And surviving. Seriously though Anna getting rejected for your looks legit sounds really rough. I wouldn’t know anything about that. I mean look at me I’m really hot…so yeah I can’t even begin to think of how I’d compete with you all oh wait like this.

(After All You Wanna Do)

And then I got beheaded! So…beat that.

Jane Seymour: Okay wow…that got…really real

Yeah, I guess it did. So, by the rules of the game, I had the worst time…Which means I’m now the leading lady of this girl group

Catherine of Aragon: Okay sure, it was bad-but that was not the most heart wrenching story we’ve heard tonight

Um, were you not listening to my song? It had four choruses. That’s how much trauma I had the sing through

Jane Seymour: Yeah

Wait, wait-hold up. Are we not gonna vote on who suffered the most?

Catherine of Aragon: “I’m Catherine Parr. I have ethics and boundaries now” blah blah blah

She’s just salty ‘cause she knows she can’t win

Catherine Parr: No, seriously, let me ask you something. Who was Henry vII’s wife?

(All) uhhh (you) no clue

Jane Seymour: Henry V?

(All) Don’t know her

Anne Boleyn: Right. So we sing, we tell our stories, we bare our souls

And still end up as backup vocals in his playlist

Catherine of Aragon: Like, one of-

(all) six (you) ohhh, I get it now. Because we’re only connected by that one thing-him. It turns our whole historyinto a ranking system.

Anna of Cleves: Oof. That is so patriarchal

I know, right? I read now

So, what do we do now? We can’t rewrite the past.

Yeah, unless we find a way to tell our stories without him in the center.

Catherine Parr: They always said we needed his love. But we’re here to say….

(all) We don’t

Catherine of Aragon: His food budget?

It’s not the time, Catherine

The truth is…the thing people remember?

(all) the six wives

Jane Seymour: ‘cause let’s be honest

We didn’t actually get our fairytale endings

Catherine Parr: But this show? This moment?

We get to write our own

Catherine of Aragon: A revised edition if you will

One with crowns…and microphones