Martha - Arsenic & Old Lace Act 2

Einstein: Yah, it’s nice here.

After all— it’s very late and—

Jonathan: The cellar?

We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar.

Abby: It’s your brother, Johnathan, dear.

He’s had his face changed.

Jonathan: Aunt Abby, I must correct your misapprehension. You spoke of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came directly here—

Well, there’s a very nice little hotel just three blocks down the—

Jonathan: Are there lodgers in this house?

Well, not just now, but we plan to have some.

Jonathan: Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep. You remembered, this afternoon, that as a boy I could be disagreeable. It wouldn’t be very pleasant for any of us if—

Perhaps we’d better let them stay here tonight—

Jonathan: That’s settled. Now, if you’ll get my room ready—

It only needs airing out.

Jonathan: You have a most distinguished guest in Dr. Einstein. I’m afraid you don’t appreciate his skill. But you will. In a few weeks you’ll see me looking like a very different Jonathan.

He can’t operate on you here.

Jonathan: Please get our room ready immediately.

Well—

Jonathan: Then you can go to bed. We’re moving the car up behind the house.

It’s alright where it is— until morning.

Jonathan: I don’t want to leave it in the street— that might be against the law.

Abby, what are we going to do?

Abby: Well, we’re not going to let them stay more than one night in this house for one thing. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another.

What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins?

Abby: Oh, Mr. Hoskins. It can’t be very comfortable for him in there. And he’s been so patient, the poor dear. Well, I think Teddy had better get Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away

Abby— I will not invite Jonathan to the funeral services.

Teddy: Dear me— this will be a shock to the General.

Then we mustn’t tell him about it.

Abby: No, Teddy, we must keep it a secret.

Yes!

Abby: Yes, a state secret.

Promise?

Abby: Well, Teddy, you go back down in the cellar and when I turn out the lights—when it’s all dark—you come up and take the poor man down to the Canal. Now go along, Teddy.

And we’ll come down later and hold services.

Teddy: You may announce the President will say a few words. Where is the poor devil?

He’s in the window seat.

Abby: Martha, when Jonathan and Dr. Einstein come back, let’s see if we can get them to go to bed right away.

Yes. Then by the time they’re asleep, we’ll be dressed for the funeral. Abby, I’ve never even seen Mr. Hoskins.

Jonathan: Well, you should. It’s time I came home to take care of you.

We weren’t planning to go until—

Abby: What’s the matter?

What’s happening down there?

Mortimer: That’s my old room. I’m sleeping in that room. I’m here to stay.

Oh, Mortimer, I’m so glad.

Mortimer: You’ve almost been— Abby! Martha!

No! It was Jonathan.

Mortimer: Why, darling, you’re trembling. Have you got any coffee—? Make some for me too— and some sandwiches. I haven’t had any dinner.

We’ll make something for you both.

Abby: Why, you wanted some sandwiches for you both. It won’t take a minute.

Why, don’t you remember— we wanted to celebrate your engagement? That’s what we’ll do dear. We’ll make a nice supper for both of you. And we’ll open a bottle of wine.

Abby: Yes, come in.

Come right in, Officer O’Hara. This is our nephew, Mortimer.

Abby: Oh, I forgot the coffee.

Well, I’d better make some more sandwiches.

O’Hara: I can wait.

I’m sorry I was so long.

Mortimer: Don’t bring that in here. O’Hara, would you join us for a bite in the kitchen?

The kitchen?

Abby: Jonathan’s leaving.

Oh. Well, that’s nice. Come along, Officer O’Hara.

Jonathan: Just Mortimer, and he’ll be back in a few minutes. Is there any food left in the kitchen? I think Dr. Einstein and I would enjoy a bite.

But you won’t have time.

Jonathan: Get something for us to eat while we bury Mr. Spenalzo in the cellar.

Oh no!

Jonathan: He and Mr. Spenalzo will get along fine together. They’re both dead.

They must mean Mr. Hoskins.

Einstein: Your chentlemen?

And we won’t have any strangers buried in our cellar.

Jonathan: But Mr. Hoskins—

Mr. Hoskins isn’t a stranger.

Abby: Murdered! Certainly not. It’s one of our charities

Why, what we’ve been doing is a mercy.