Humbletown practice

[Beginning sequence up to the natives]
Jenny: So they called the place Humbletown.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!! No! No! NO! No! Wrong. All wrong. One thousand percent wrong. Yet again, the story of Humbletown, butchered by young people. First of all, the Civil War wasn't that bad. All that fighting and running and fleeing? It was great cardio. Second of all: Humbleton didn't send a letter. Letters weren't invented yet. Humbleton sent his message the only way possible at the time.

Humbleton: Dearest Maude!! This war isn't so bad!! It's actually great cardio!!

If Maude could hear the message from a hundred miles away, good. If not, a postal worker would scream the message at her later at a Mailboxes, Etc.

Jenny: It was a UPS Store.

No, it was a Mailboxes, Etc. Also, there weren't three Natives - there were four. And while three of them did die on the spot - the fourth one... the fourth one... died just a few seconds later. And as for the so-called "Death Star"... Well, that was accurate.

Jenny: Do you have anything else to add, or may I continue?

Ooooooohhhhhhh I'm just getting warmed up. Y'see, once the Natives and their high-interest financing were out of the picture, Humbleton and Maude--

Jenny: Abigail.

--decided it was time to grow their family.

[BABIES sequence]
Humbleton: Message received.

And so Humbleton went about growing his family the only way he knew how.

[Humbleton buys baby, they decide on a name]
Humbleton: In honor of my wife, his name shall be decided by my wife.

And thus began the life of Humbleton Humblefolk, Jr.

[Lion king joke]
Humbleton: Sorry.

Before long, though, the cost of childcare began to mount.

[Nursemaid, foodstomper, and diaper disposaler harass the Humblefolks]
Diaper Disposaler: As your diaper disposaler, I will need all used diapers, and a lot of cash.

It wasn't long before the Humblefolks knew they needed a lot of cash.

[Humbleton and Abigail settle on inventing salutations]
Humbleton: ..... .... We can name this after my old war buddy, Tom Salutation.

And so the Salutation was born. From that moment on, any time someone else's arrival or departure was acknowledged, it was considered a Salutation, and a fee was collected for Humbleton.

[Salutators come out]
Salutator 4: "Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon." [Salutators go and get her ass]

After that, Humbleton and Abigail and Junior were made in the shade.

[Jenny storms out]
Jenny: Are you kidding me?! He invented the word "hello"?!
[Collection agent comes out]
Jenny: Get out of here!!!

Now I understand that due to your youth and ignorance you may not know the true story of Humbletown and I--

Jenny: Okay first of all, Humbleton didn't buy canned meat from the store. What store? How could there even be a store if there were only two people in the town?!

Oh so you're gonna start using "logic" to tell history? Good luck with that.

Jenny: No I'm going to use facts!

We're simple folks. We don't take kindly to facts around here.

Jenny: Fact one: You don't get canned meat from a store. The Canned Meat Fairy delivers it. [Canned Meat fairy makes a brief entrance - it may or may not be Darth Vader.]

Bah!!! [Exit stage right]

[Everything plays through, up until Jessie starts calling for a strike]
Jenny: And so - three years later, the first union was formed.

[Enter stage right] NOOOOOOOO (desperate) Wrong again! The conditions were dismal and pay was low, but they liked it that way! In fact, Humbleton tried doubling wages, but the workers declined because even more fun than more money or breathable air was a reason to complain.

Jenny: That is simply false!

See? You just complained. You can thank our forefathers for that. ... Do it... Thank your forefathers for the complaining you just did...

Jenny: ..Thank you, forefathers...

No, the workers didn't strike at all. They did, however, all get together uring their allotted six-minute lunch break to play the game they invented: Complainball! [Go sit in chair]

[Complainball sequence]
Sportscaster Maddy: Misogyny will always be funny.

They called Complainball "America's Pastime." That is, until the invention of better sports that made for better pastimes. Fact is, Complainball was poorly conceived, and I couldn't stand it, and it was worst.

[Crowd cheers, Bronte gives me a trophy]

This trophy is heavy.

[Crowd cheers louder]

That cheering is loud.

[More cheering]

I hate you all.

[Even MORE cheering]

ENOUGH! QUIET! BEH! Now back to the story.
After every long, grueling day at the ShamWow factory, the townsfolk would all gather at the local watering hole. They were called watering holes because it was there that everyone poured water into their face holes.

[Watering hole sequence]
Jessie: ... Even though working conditions are the worst they've ever been, and even though our town reeks of decaying buffalo, we can always drown our sorrows in a colorless, tasteless liquid!

Yes, it was a beautiful time, when water flowed like.. water. But all of that was about to change.

[Evaporation begins, police enter and be police then leave]
Police Officers: Braugh braugh braugh braugh braugh

And that was the beginning of the period in history commonly known as Evaporation. The city government decided that water was evil. They called it the Devil’s Drool. And a world without water was a dry world indeed. Very, very… unmoist.

[Family sequence]
Kids: Yayyy….

But the people wouldn’t give up so easy. The abolition of water ended up opening up a whole new world of water-based crime.

[Trenchcoat guy sequence]
Officer Harris: HEY!! [runs after trenchcoat guy]

And it was just the beginning. Water bootleggers started cropping up everywhere, with water speakeasies taking the town by storm. The most infamous speakeasy, of course, was called Midnight at the Oasis.

[Whole speakeasy sequence]
Officer Johnson: Well, I will say one thing: this is definitely not a speakeasy.
Everyone: Hooray!!

And so it went, where speakeasy was king, with every gallon supplied by a mythical creature called the Water Fairy.

Jenny: As usual, old person, your history has an iota of truth but is mostly poppycock.

Popycock?! Poppycock?!

Jenny: Poppycock I say!

I’m the only one allowed to use funny old-fashioned words!

Jenny: Not anymore! In today’s society, young people can use the same homespun sayings as old people.

I don’t like today’s society. Never have.

Jenny: Tough. Now I’d like to correct a few of the delusions you’ve just foistered on this innocent-looking audience.

They’re not so innocent. Look at that one.

[Holda dis Country sequence]
Jenny: Soon Holda Dis Country had scared every police department in America into eliminating water, starting right here in Humbletown.

And that’s when the bootlegging started.

Jenny: I was getting to that. Yes. That was when organized crime began.

I never said they were organized! [Exit after Jenny’s line]

[Jessie and the goons sequence, her and Humbleton Jr. fall in love]
Jenny: As the illegal, bootlegged water kept pouring in, the Humblefolk family continued to enjoy their great wealth for the next two years.

[Enter, move in front of Jenny slowly]
Noooo!!! [condescending] They didn’t enjoy their great wealth for two years; they enjoyed their great wealth for two hours. Because that’s exactly how much time it took the city government to get jealous of the organized crime revenue they weren’t receiving, which led them to end Evaporation [Talk to left], which led to the end of the Humblefolk family’s income stream [talk to right], which for some reason led to the greatest period of poverty in town history. Because it was such a depressing time with such economic and emotional depression, they called it The Great Saddysaddysadtime.

[Poor people]
Evelyn: Ohhhhh all the money is gone! We used to vacation at our second home along the river; now our second home is gone and we vacation inside this box.

Times were so bad, the government set up bread lines to feed the needy. Unfortunately, the townsfolk quickly got bored with bread, so they replaced bread with expired Halloween candy.

[Candy store, interaction between the clerk and Lorraine]
Ernest: This truly is a Great Saddysaddysadtime.

Those were dark days. Dark days with old dark chocolate. But these folk were a resilient folk.

[Ernest and Lorraine father-daughter moment]
Ernest: I love you Lorraine. Hey! What say, after school we go to the clinic and sell some of your blood plasma?
Lorraine: Sure!

Oh the Great Saddysaddysadtime affected everyone. More than just financially. It also affected their mood.

[Joe and Bob interact]
Jenny: Are you kidding me?!

I don’t kid. It’s a luxury I can’t afford.

Jenny: It was called the DEPRESSION!

You know what your problem is? Cell phone. It’s sending cell waves into your brain and causing damage. That’s why kids today aren’t as good as kids yesterday. I remember them clearly.

Jenny: You don’t remember anything! I get my information from the Internet.

Never heard of it.

Jenny: And from public schooling.

There’s your problem. If you knew anything, you would know that a depression is a small downward sloping area of land. Stupid young people.

Jenny: It was the Depression. And it was caused by a banking collapse.

How can a bank collapse? That’s ridiculous.

[Bank of Chuck happens]
Katie: Um… hey uh… aren’t we immigrants too?
Andre: Dang it.
Jenny: So, with no one to blame, the people settled into a deep… Depression.

Malarkey.

Jenny: Don’t you dare Malark-me.

MALARKEY, I SAY!! MALARKEY! The townsfolk did find someone to blame for their troubles. All they needed was a scapegoat. And by scapegoat I’m referring to this guy.

[Scapegoat gets the shit beat out of him, after 3 beats]

So they needed a new scapegoat.

[Face Feud happens]
Jerry: …A beard-hug.
[They beard-hug and everyone says awww]

And that was the beginning and the end of the Face Feud. It lasted about three minutes. There were other kinds of discrimination elsewhere in the country—racial discrimination, religious discrimination, Canadian discrimination…

Jenny: Okay, none of that happened, and those were way too many face puns.

Never! You hear me! There’s never too many face puns!

Jenny: Quiet, old man!

That wasn’t even funny.

Jenny: There was no facial hair discrimination. Because… about this time… a wave of change came to Humbletown.

Change?! Oh dagnabit. I don’t like change.

Jenny: You see, there was a lot of sexism back in those days.

Good times.

[Wife and husband bit, after husband throws tantrum about dinner]
Wife: I’m sorry husband.

Brings a tear to my eye just watching this beautiful domestic scene. Where is it today? Gone.

[Wife rebels]
Wife: And you’re lucky they talked me out of the pitchfork idea!

And that’s when all the troubles started.

Jenny: That’s not when the troubles started.

Oh I do believe it is. You see—

[Grumbling session, patriarchy meeting]
Husband: That’s so crazy it just might work.

All right all right hey. Stop it right there.

Jenny: That’s how it happened.

You neglect to mention one thing. The total erosion of our old-time values—like shame, regret, and guilt.

Jenny: That’s a good thing.

Oh really? Ohhhhh reaaaaallyyyy? Well that’s all irrelevant because if you were alive back when the town was taken by storm by the nations’s biggest dance craze, that would have melted your brain. If you had one. Which you don’t. Cause you’re a girl.

Jenny: Errrrrrr.

ErrrrrrrrrrThat reminds me! Let me tell you a little something about dance and music, or as the kids today call it, “dusic.”

Jenny: No one calls it that.

For decades, the country was perfectly happy with orchestral music, or big band music, or my personal favorite: zero music.
[Groove for a sec]
Well pardon me—I can’t help but shake my slacks every time I listen to sweet, sweet silence.
Anyhoo, out of nowhere America was taken by storm by insufferable music accompanied by insufferable dancing. Suddenly there was musical filth like the Bunny Hop, and the Twist, and worst of all: the Mashed Potato.
Of course, because Humbletown was the last town in America to have a television, townsfolk only read and heard about each dance craze, and therefore had to guess the steps for all of them. And let me tell you: the alarming consequences were on national display at Dippy Dipperson’s Dancetravaganza.

[Dance sequence]
Dippy: See you next time, folks! I promise it will be less disgusting!

It took a decade for the people of Humbletown to realize the Mashed Potato didn’t involve the literal mashing of potatoes. To this day, it is considered the second-biggest misunderstanding in American history, just behind Ohio. Anyhoo, that day in history resulted in two major developments: The first was that Humblepie immediately gained the adoration of everyone in town, which directly led to her becoming mayor the following day. And second, the dance craze led to the invention of Dance Craisins.

Jenny: I suppose that’s right.

What?

Jenny: I think you’re right about that. There was a dance craze problem as we were isolated from the rest of the country.

No there wasn’t! I was just making that up!

Jenny: Ah ha!

Dagnabit!

[get roasted by Jenny]
Humbleton the Third: So remember kids! Keep on dancing! And when you’re done dancing, go over to Gopherville and commit vandalism! Keep on smiling!

Oh the Gopherville debacle.

Jenny: Oh yes.

That was a glorious conflict.

Jenny: It was the darkest time in Humbletown history.

How dare you! How dare you trample on my rose-colored past? [Chair time]

[The entirety of Gopherville happens]
Schoolteacher: What’s the worst that could happen? [explosion] Oh. That.

That’s enough! That is positively enough! Gopherville never had the nuclear bomb.

Jenny: They did, too.

And neither did Humbletown!

Jenny: They did, too!

No! No they didn’t! They both had the atomic bomb.

Jenny: An atomic bomb is a type of nuclear bomb.

YOU’RE a type of nuclear bomb.

Jenny: Strangely, that hurts my feelings.

Anyhoo, back to the story. After the bomb incident, the Frigid Conflict just kept on escalatin’, with the divide between Humbletown and Gopherville becoming the centerpiece of the Humblepie mayorship. She made it her mission to identify and boycott any and all Gopherville sympathizers. They called it “The Trial of That Week or So,” and boy oh boy, was it ever.

[Court scene]
Judge Haley: Trial adjourned!

And so ended the Frigid Conflict. But history kept on historiatin’. In fact, soon after bomb-inventin’, Humbletown started other-things-inventin’. That’s right, they weren’t done inventin’, not by a darn sight. On the contrary. Why, they went on to invent the very first Internets!

Jenny: Again, not the least bit true.

YOU’RE a type of nuclear bomb.

Jenny: That really shouldn’t bother me.

These weren’t the Internets that we all know today—no siree. These were Internets that were one trillion times more useful than the average Internets. How, you ask?

How-asker: How?

I’m glad you asked. [How-asker leaves, everyone watches] The Humbletown Internets got rid of all the unnecessary online site-pagewebs that other Internets give you—and instead provided the good people of Humbletown with the only thing that anyone ever needs: a video of a cow mooing and then breaking wind.

[Internet sequence]
Hannah: Siri, I accidentally sliced my foot open with a meat cleaver and have lost a gallon of blood. Should I call a doctor? [Moo. Fart. Hannah dies.]

And that very cow went on to become Secretary General of the United Nations. And is still secretary general today.

Jenny: I don’t know if you think I’m stupid—

Oh no. I think you’re an ignorant hussy—

Jenny: But I’m pretty sure the secretary general is not an actual cow.

There you go again with your fancy knowledge. In my day we relied on innuendo and misinformation to get our news. I don’t trust you or your so-called facts.

Jenny: Too bad. We don’t have a cow for a secretary general. And I can use the actual internet to figure this out! [Whips out phone]

Put away your demon box!

Jenny: Behold the power of technology!

NOOO!!

Jenny: Hold on. It’s hard to get service in here. [Runs around] Just a second. This is going to work any minute now. One bar. Nope. No bars. One Bar! Nope. No bars again. All right I quit. The secretary general is a cow.

Your foul magic has no purchase here, demon!

[Fact-checking sequence, then everyone dies]
Jenny: It was called The Great Photobomb. And in those last, beautiful selfies, you can see the meteor just behind themas if to say, “I know you’re taking a picture of yourself, but I think very highly of myself, so I’ll just pop into this photo.” And they all died.

Yup. That’s right. All gone.

Jenny: Indeed. And you might think that would be the end of it.

Oh no. Because…

[graveyard bit]
Humblepie: You did call that.

[Clear throat… wait.] [Clear throat again, more obnoxiously] [Lead Bronte down center]
You sure you don’t have anything else to add there?

Humblepie: I’m not sure I understand.

This is the point where you make people cry.

[Humblepie spills all, I motion for more three times. The first time is normal. The second, act like I was expecting her to keep talking. The third, I shrug as if to say it’s okay.]
Ghost: Oh I think that can be arranged. [Humblepie cries into dog]

And that’s how you make people cry at the end of the story.
And with that, we have finally reached the end of the tale of Humbletown. Like all great stories, it began with hostile Norweigians and finished with a ghost dog.

Jenny: You are a horrible storyteller.

Well, you’re a type of nuclear bomb.

Jenny: Again? Really?

[to audience] Some of you out there might be wonderin’: why did I just spin you that yarn? Well, that’s because… I’m not just a generic old man. I… [eyepatch, maybe awkwardly long silence] …am Humbleton the First.

Jenny: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Humbleton was a Civil War soldier. It’s 2022. It would be medically impossible for Humbleton to be alive.

Normally, I’d agree with you, but I discovered the secret to immortality.

Jenny: Which is…?

Gluten. [point at audience, like you’re welcome!]

Jenny: [monologue]
So if you’re Humbleton, that would mean you’d be my long lost great great great great great great great grandfather.

Nice t’meet you.

Jenny: [Crying] Grandpa!!

That’s Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandpa to you.

Jenny: [more crying and whatnot]
Well, I don’t know about everyone else, but I think it’s time we tie a bow on this story, because Humbleton and I have got a century and a half of catching up to do.

Indeed we do, young lady. Indeed we do.