Martha - Arsenic & Old Lace Act 3

TOP OF THE ACT

You stop doing that!

Jonathan: Abby! Martha! Go upstairs!

There’s no use doing what you’re doing because it will just have to be undone.

Abby: I’ll tell you we won’t have it and you’d better stop it right now.

All right! You’ll find out. You’ll find out whose house this is!

Abby: I’m warning you! You’d better stop it! Hasn’t Mortimer come back yet?

No.

Abby: Where do you suppose Mortimer went?

I don’t know, but he must be doing something— because he said to Jonathan, “You’ll just wait, I’ll settle this.”

Mortimer: I’ve been over to Dr. Gilchrist’s. I’ve got his signature on Teddy’s commitment papers.

Mortimer, what is the matter with you?

Abby: Running around getting papers signed at a time like this!

Do you know what Jonathan’s doing?

Mortimer: Oh, he is, is he? Well, let him. Is Teddy in his room?

Teddy won’t be any help.

Mortimer: All right. The police. You can’t go for the police.

Why can’t we?

Mortimer: But if they found your twelve gentleman they’d have to report to headquarters.

I’m not so sure they’d bother. They’d have to make out a very long report— and if there’s one thing a policeman hates to do, it’s to write.

Mortimer: You can’t depend on that. And you couldn’t expect a judge and jury to understand.

Oh, Judge Cullman would.

Abby: We know him very well.

He always comes to church to pray— just before election.

Abby: And he’s coming here to tea some day. He promised.

Oh, Abby, we must speak to him again about that. His wife died a few years ago and it’s left him very lonely.

Mortimer: I am going to do something. We may have to call the police in later, but if we do, I want to be ready for them.

You’ve got to get Jonathan out of this house.

Mortimer: They’ll be out, I promise you that! Go to bed.

Well, Abby, that’s a relief, isn’t it?

Jonathan: Oh, are we? In that case, you and Aunt Martha can go to bed and have a pleasant night’s sleep.

Yes. Come, Abby.

Abby: Not good night, Jonathan. Good-bye. By the time we get up you’ll be out of this house. Mortimer’s promised.

And he has a way of doing it too!

Abby: Oh, yes, he’s up here talking to Teddy.

Good-bye Jonathan

Mortimer: Good morning, darlings,

Oh, we have visitors.

Mortimer: Why the Lieutenant is here— You know, Teddy blew his bugle again last night.

Yes, we’re going to speak to Teddy about that.

Abby: Oh, Mr. Witherspoon— how do you do?

You’ve come to meet Teddy.

Abby: Oh— no!

Not while we’re alive.

Abby: We won’t permit it. We’ll promise to take the bugle away from him.

We won’t be separated from Teddy.

Abby: Well, if he goes, we’re going too.

Yes, you’ll have to take us with him.

Witherspoon: Well, that’s sweet of them to want to, but it’s impossible. You see, we can’t take sane people at Happy Dale.

Mr. Witherspoon, if you’ll let us live there with Teddy, we’ll see that Happy Dale is in our will— and for a very generous amount.

Abby: But there are thirteen bodies in our cellar.

If that’s why you think Teddy has to go away— you come down to the cellar with us and we’ll prove it to you.

Witherspoon: Why, certainly.

Oh, if we can go with Teddy, we’ll sign the papers. Where are they?

Abby: Good morning, Officer Klein.

Good morning, Officer Klein. Are you here too?

Abby: I’m really looking forward to going— the neighborhood here has changed so.

Just think, a front lawn again.

Witherspoon: Oh, we’re overlooking something.

What?

Einstein: I think I must go.

Aren’t you going to wait for Jonathan?

Abby: No, Mortimer, you stay here. We want to talk to you. Yes, Mr. Witherspoon, just upstairs and turn to the left.

Well, Mortimer, now that we’re moving, this house really is yours.

Mortimer: No, Aunt Abby, this house is too full of memories.

But you’ll need a home when you and Elaine are married.

Mortimer: Now, darlings, you’re going to love it at Happy Dale.

Oh, yes, we’re very happy about the whole thing. That’s just it— we don’t want anything to go wrong.

Mortimer: Don’t worry, they’re not going to look up Dr. Einstein.

It’s not his signature, dear, it’s yours.

Mortimer: Of course. Why not?

Well, dear, it’s something we never wanted to tell you. But now you’re a man— and it’s something Elaine should know too. You see, dear— you’re not really a Brewster.

Mortimer: I’m— not— really— a— Brewster?

Now, don’t feel badly about it, dear.

Mortimer: Elaine! Did you hear? Do you understand? I’m a bastard!

Well, now I really must see about breakfast.

Rooney: We won’t need the wagon. My car’s out front.

Oh, you’re leaving now, Jonathan?

Abby: Well, Jonathan, it’s nice to know you have some place to go.

We’re leaving too.

Jonathan: Then this house is seeing the last of the Brewsters.

Unless Mortimer wants to live here.

Jonathan: Good-bye, Aunties. Well, I can’t better my record now but neither can you— at least I have that satisfaction. The score stands even, twelve to twelve.

Jonathan always was a mean boy. Never could stand to see anyone get ahead of him.

Abby: Oh—

Well, I suppose you consider everyone at Happy Dale your family?

Witherspoon: Elderberry wine?

We make it ourselves.

Abby: Oh, no—

No, here it is.