Abby Brewster - Arsenic and Old Lace (Act 1)

Learn your lines!

Top of Show

Yes, indeed, my sister Martha and I have been talking all week about your sermon last Sunday. It’s really wonderful, Dr. Harper—in only two short years you’ve taken on the spirt of Brooklyn

Harper: That’s really gratifying, Miss Brewster

You see, living here next to the church all our lives, we’ve seen so many ministers come and go. The spirt of Brooklyn we always say is friendliness—and your sermons are not so much sermons as friendly talks

Teddy: Personally, I’ve always enjoyed my talks with Cardinal Gibbions—or I have met him yet?

No, dear, not yet [Changing subject] Are the biscuits good?

Teddy: Bully!

Won’t you have another biscuit, Dr. Harper?

Harper: Oh, no, I’m afraid I’ll have no appetite for dinner now. I always eat too many of your biscuits just to taste that lovely jam

But you haven’t tried the quince. We always put a little apple in with it to take the tartness out.

Harper: No, thank you

We’ll send you over a jar

Harper: No, no. You keep it here so I can be sure of having your biscuits with it

I do hope they don’t make us use that imitation flour again. I mean with this war trouble. It may not be vary charitable of me, but i’ve almost come to the conclusion that this Mr. Hitler isn’t a Christian

Teddy: Not so much talk about Europe and more about the canal

Well, let’s not talk about war. Will you have another cup of tea, dear?

Teddy: No, thank you, Aunt Abby.

Dr. Harper?

Harper: No, thank you. I must admit, Miss Abby, that war and violence seem far removed from these surroundings

It is peaceful here, isn’t it?

Harper: Yes—peaceful. The virtues of another day—they’re all here in this house. The gentle virtues that went out with candlelight and good manners and low taxes

It’s one of the oldest houses in Brooklyn. It’s just as it was when Grandfather Brewster built and furnished it—except for the electricity— It was Mortimer who persuaded us to put it in.

Harper: Yes, I can understand that. Your nephew Mortimer seems to live only by electric light.

The poor boy has to work so late. I understand he’s taking Elaine with him to the theater again tonight. Teddy, your brother Mortimer will be here a little later.

Teddy: Dee-lighted

We’re so happy it’s Elaine Mortimer takes to the theater with him

Harper: Well, it’s a new experience for me to wait up until three o’clock in the morning for my daughter to be brought home.

Oh, Dr. Harper, I hope you don’t disaprove of Mortimer.

Harper: Well —-

We’d feel so guilty if you did—sister Martha and I. I mean since it was here in our home that your daughter met Mortimer.

Harper: … But I must also admit that I have watched the growing intimacy between him and my daughter with some trepidation. For one reason, Miss Abby.

You mean his stomach, Dr. Harper?

Harper: Stomach?

His dyspepsia—he’s bothered with it so, poor boy.

Harper: No, Miss Abby, I’ll be frank with you. I’m speaking of your nephew’s unfortunate connection with the theater.

The theater! Oh, no Dr. Harper! Mortimer writes for a New York newspaper.

Harper: I know, Miss Abby, I know. But a dramatic critic is constantly exposed to the theater, and I don’t doubt but what some of them do develop an interest in it

Well, not Mortimer. You need have no fear of that. Why, Mortimer hates the theater.

Harper: Really?

Oh, yes! He writes awful things about the theater. But you can’t blame him, poor boy. He was so happy writing about real estate, which he really knew something about, and then they just made him take this terrible night position.

Harper: My! My!

But, as he says, the theater can’t last much longer anyway and in the meantime it’s a living. [Knocking] Well, now, who do you suppose that is [Teddy gets up] No, thank you, Teddy, I’ll go [Go to open door] Come in, Officer Brophy

Brophy: Hello, Miss Brewster.

How are you, Officer Klein

Cops sit down

You know Dr. Harper

Brophy: We’ve come for the toys for the Christmas Fund

Oh, yes.

Klein: It gives us something to do when we have to sit around the station. You get tired playing cards and then you start cleaning your gun, and the first thing you know you’ve shot yourself in the foot

Teddy, go upstairs and get that big box from you Aunt Martha’s room [Turning to Brophy] How is Mrs. Brophy today? Mrs. Brophy has been quite ill, Dr. Harper.

Brophy: Oh, she’s better now. A little weak still ——

I’m going to get you some beef broth to take to her

Brophy: Don’t bother, Miss Abby! You’ve done so much for her already

We made it this morning. Sister Martha is taking some poor Mr. Benizky right now. I won’t be a minute. Sit down and be comfortable, all of you.

enter from kitchen door

Oh, you’re back, Martha. How was Mr. Benitzky?

Martha: Well, dear, it’s pretty serious, I’m afraid. The doctor was there. He’s going to amputate in the morning.

Can we be present?

Harper: You couldn’t be of any service—and you must spare yourselves something

Here’s the broth, Officer Brophy. Be sure it’s good and hot

Teddy: But the Oregon goes to Australia

Now, Teddy—-

Klein: …We’ll run along, ma’am, and thank you so much.

Not at all [Blocking] Good-bye

Harper: I must be getting home.

Before you go, Dr. Harper —-

Harper: Have you every tried to persuade him that he wasn’t Teddy Roosevelt?

Oh, no!

Martha: He’s so happy deing Teddy Roosevelt

Once, a long time ago, remember, Martha? We thought if he would be George Washington it might be a change for him.

Martha: But he stayed under his bed for days and just wouldn’t be anybody

And we’d so much rather he’d be Mr. Roosevelt than nobody

Martha: What are they?

Dr. Harper has made all arrangements for Teddy to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on.

Harper: He’s the superintendent of Happy Dale

Dr. Harper has arranged for him to drop in tomorrow or the next day to meet Teddy

Harper: I’d better be running along or Elaine will be over here looking for me

Give our love to Elaine—and Dr. Harper, please don’t think harshly of Mortimer because he’s a dramatic critic. Somebody has to do those things.

Martha: Did you just have tea? Isn’t it rather late?

Yes—and dinner’s going to be late too

Martha: Why?

Teddy! Good news for you. You’re going to Panama to dig another lock for the canal.

Martha: Abby! While I was out?

Yes, dear! I just couldn’t wait for you. I didn’t know when you’d be back and Dr. Harper was coming.

Martha: But all by yourself?

Oh, I got along fine

Martha: I’ll run right downstairs and see.

Oh, no, there wasn’t time, and I was all alone

Martha: Well —

Martha—just look in the window-seat [bunch of blocking] Oh, it’s Elaine

Elaine: No, I took the short cut through the cemetery. Mortimer hasn’t come yet?

No, dear

Martha: Not at all

Why don’t you sit down, dear?

Elaine: Oh there’s something about calling for a girl at a parsonage that discourages any man who doesn’t embroider.

He’s done this too often—we’re going to speak to him

putting away tea

My goodness, Elaine, what must you think of us—not having tea cleared away by this time.

entering from kitchen door (for the 2nd time)

Hello, Mortimer

Mortimer: Hello, Aunt Abby

How are you, dear?

Moritimer: All right. And you look well. You haven’t changed much since yesterday

Oh, my goodness, it was yesterday, wasn’t it? We’re seeing a great deal of you lately [blocking'] Well, come, sit down. Sit down

Martha: Abby—haven’t we something to do in the kitchen?

Huh?

Martha: You know—the tea things.

Oh, yes! Yes! The tea things —— Well — you two just make yourselves at home. Just ——

enter from the kitchen door (for the 3rd time)

Aren’t you two going to be late for the theater?

Mortimer: We’re skipping dinner. We won’t have to start for half an hour

Well, then, I’ll leave you two alone together again

Elaine exits

Mortimer, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you quote the Bible. We knew Elaine would ba a good influence for you

Mortimer: Oh, by the way—I’m going to marry her.

What? Oh, darling [Runs to call for Martha] Martha, Martha! Come right in here. I’ve got the most wonderful news for you—Mortimer and Elaine are going to be married.

Martha: Married? Oh, Mortimer!

We hoped it would happen just like this.

Martha: Well, if you left it here it must be here somewhere

When are you going to be married? What are your plans? There must be something more you can tell us about Elaine.

Mortimer: My chapter on Thoreau!

Well, when Elaine comes back I think we ought to have a little celebration. We must drink to your happiness. Martha, isn’t there some of the Lady Baltimore cake left?

Martha: Oh, yes!

And I’ll open a bottle of wine.

Mortimer: Now where could have I put that?

Well, with your fiancée sitting besides you tonight, I do hope the play will be something you can enjoy for once. It may be something romantic. What’s the name of it?

Mortimer: “Murder Will Out”

Oh, dear!

Mortimer: …Aunt Abby!

Yes, dear?

You were going to make plans for Teddy to go to that … sanitarium—Happy Dale —-

Yes, dear, it’s all arranged. Dr. Harper was here today and brought the paper for Teddy to sign. Here they are.

Mortimer: He’s got to sign them right away.

That’s what Dr. Harper thinks. Then there won’t be any legal difficulties after we pass on.

Martha: There’s no such hurry as that

No. When Teddy starts working on the canal you can’t get his mind on anything else

Mortimer: Right away, I tell you!—right away!

Why, Mortimer, how can you say such a thing? Why, as long as we live we’ll never be separated from Teddy.

Mortimer: He was harmless. That’s why he has to go to Happy Dale. Why he has to be confined.

Mortimer, why have you suddenly turned against Teddy?—your own brother?

Mortimer: There’s a body in the window-seat

Yes, dear, we know

Martha: Of course, dear, but it has nothing to do with Teddy

Now, Mortimer, forget about it—forget you ever saw the gentelman

Mortimer: Forget?

We never dreamed you’d peak

Mortimer: But who is he?

His name’s Hoskins—Adam Hoskins. That’s really all I know about him—except that he’s a Methodist.

Mortimer: Aunt Martha, men don’t just get into window seats and die

No, he died first

Mortimer: You put it in the wine?

Yes. and I put Mr. Hoskins in the window because Dr. Harper was coming

Mortimer: So you knew what you’d done! You didn’t want Dr. Harper to see the body!

Well, not at tea—that wouldn’t have been very nice. Now, Mortimer, you know the whole thing just forget about it. I do think Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.

Martha: … Oh, Abby, while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Schultz. She’s much better but she would like to take Junior to the movies again

Well, we must do that tomorrow or the next day.

Mortimer: There’s a body in there.

Yes—Mr. Hoskins

Martha: Well, for one thing, dear, stop being so excited.

And for pity’s sake stop worrying. We told you to forget the whole thing

Mortimer: Forget! My dear Aunt Abby, can’t I make you realize that something has to be done?

Now, Mortimer, you behave yourself. You’re too old to be flying off the handle like this.

Mortimer: But Mr. Hotchkiss ——

Hoskins, dear.

Martha: We don’t intend to, dear

No, Teddy’s down in the cellar now digging the lock

Mortimer: No! You can’t bury Mr. —-others?

The other gentlemen

Martha: Oh, yes dear. Let me see, this is eleven. Isn’t it Abby?

No, dear, this makes twelve.

Martha: Oh, I think you’re wrong Abby. This is only eleven.

No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he would make just an even dozen.

Martha: Well, you really shouldn’t count the first one.

Oh, I was counting the first one. So that makes twelve.

Beat

Well, anyway they’re all down in the cellar ——

Mortimer: All right—now—who was the first one?

Mr. Midgley. He was a Baptist

Martha: Of course, I still think we can’t claim full credit for him because he just died.

Martha means without any help from us. You see, Mr. Midgely came here looking for a room —-

Martha: It was right after you moved to New York

—-And it didn’t seem right for that lovely room to be going to waste when there were so many people who needed it ——

Martha: —He was such a lonely old man …

All his kith and kin were dead and it left him so forlorn and unhappy —-

Martha: —We felt so sorry for him

And then when his heart attack came—and he sat dead in that chair looking so peaceful—remember Martha—we made up our minds then and there that if we could help other lonely old men to that same peace—we would!

Martha: … You see, Teddy had been digging in Panama and he thought Mr. Midgely was a Yellow Fever victim

That meant he had to be buried immediately

Mortimer: And that’s how all this started—that man walking in herer and dropping dead.

Of course, we realized we couldn’t depend on that happining again. So —-

Martha: You remember those jars of poison that have been up on the shelves in Grandfather’s laboratory all these years —-?

You know your Aunt Martha’s knack for mixing things. You’ve eaten enough of her piccalilli

Mortimer: Should have quite a kick

Yes! As a matter of fact one of our gentlemen found time to say “How delicious!”

Martha: Well, I’ll have to get things started in the kitchen

I wish you could stay for dinner

Mortimer: I couldn’t eat a thing

I’ll come and help you, dear. Well, I feel so much better now. Oh, you have to wait for Elaine, don’t you? How happy you must be. Well, dear, I’ll leave you alone with your thoughts

Mortimer: Hello. Hello, Al?

That’s the doorbell, dear, not the telephone. How do you do? Come in.