scene ten

CAROL: I hate how it smells, I hate how it looks, I’m sorry, I hate it, I hate it so much.

You have to admit, honey, it’s not exactly the Garden of Eden.

RENEE: I know it’s a little outside the box, but this is how a permaculture is supposed to look.

It looks like the side of Route 95 in Secaucus.

RENEE: I was going to say “heterogeneous.” That’s what’s beautiful about it — it’s a little piece of the living planet.

That’s nice honey but the point is it’s nothing like we talked about. That Diane made me a commitment. Where’s my fountain? Where’s my palazzo?

RENEE: Well permaculture is not about decorative accents, / it’s about—

Okay but Renee, regardless of your opinions about our accents, you have to admit there’s something off about that Diane.

RENEE: What do you mean by “off?”

I mean what kind of person gets hired to do over your yard and then goes out and installs a bunch of nasty-looking whatever that has nothing to do with anything on your wishlist!

CAROL: Exactly

And it all grew in so fast, before anyone could object! One morning I wake up and I got a bunch of trees, out there sprouting big green balls right at eye level, right here, which P.S. are not only ugly as sin but are also a serious safety hazard.

RENEE: How can a pawpaw be a safety hazard?

Because, Renee, when I look at those hanging fruits all I can see is them snapping off in a gale-force wind and hurtling around my deck like deadly projectiles!

RENEE: Okay that’s insane.

Is it? Remember how that pine tree got torn up at the roots and torpedoed through the roof of my shed like a javelin? Innocent things turn into weapons in a storm! And you know there’s a big one brewing in the forecast.

CAROL: A storm? / RENEE: Another storm? Right now?

That’s right, there’s always a storm brewing somewhere these days. This one’s currently in the Gulf of Mexico, but I’m keeping my eye on it just to be safe. In the meantime I got a yard full of sticks and brambles I gotta tie back before they stab an innocent pet or child.

CAROL: Well why don’t you call her and tell her you want it all ripped out!

I should, I know, I don’t know why I don’t.

CAROL: What else is a person supposed to do at night if she can’t get into bed and open that glossy cover and gaze into those clean, immaculate landscapes, I mean if I don’t — if I can’t — it’s not — I can’t—. How often do you guys do it?

Oh, honey.

CAROL: Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I asked that. I’m sorry.

No honey, it’s all right. We can talk about it.

CAROL: Just forget I asked! Let’s talk about something else.

This is a family right here. We can talk about it if you want.

RENEE: We try not to let it get to less than once a week. Dan and I. Things happen.

Once a week?

CAROL: I know, I should be so lucky.

No I mean, me and Anthony do it once a day.

RENEE: You don’t mean you do it once a day.

I mean we do it every stinking day.

RENEE: How / CAROL: When?

After I drop the kids off in the morning I turn around and go home, we do it, then Anthony has his juice and goes to work. It’s not a big production, there’s no bubble baths involved, we just get it done. It’s called taking care of business.

RENEE: How do I not know this about you?

I don’t know, I implemented it a few years back. To keep from, you know, hating his guts.

CAROL: Sure

One day I just realized: When I look at this man I need to think, that’s the guy I sleep with. Not, that’s the guy whose string-cheese wrappers I pull from between the couch cushions. It’s just practical.

CAROL: God, Pam, you should write a book.

I know I should.

CAROL: You should, you’d make a million dollars.

I know. Anyway, I don’t see it as a sacrifice. He’s always been very attractive to me, and I think it’s fair to say he feels the same. That’s why I always dress. He likes me in natural prints.

RENEE: That’s a natural print?

It’s animal.

RENEE: What animal is that Pammy.

It’s leopard.

RENEE: It’s ice blue!

It’s snow leopard!

CAROL: Girls, please.

Do I judge you Renee? Do I judge your swoopy tunics and the way you choose to live your life?

RENEE: I’m sure she just got her days mixed up again.

I don’t know, I was gonna say, but I didn’t like to say.

CAROL & RENEE: What?

I think that Diane might have tossed a little more than Beth’s topsoil, if you know what I mean.

RENEE: No way, she—why would you say that?

Because, I saw Diane’s truck parked in her driveway the other night, late.

RENEE: Impossible / CAROL: You’re kidding.

I don’t know, it makes a kind of sense. They’re both edgy.

CAROL: You don’t think she’s—not right now?

I don’t know, maybe.

RENEE: You think Beth’s edgy? What’s edgy about her?

You know, just that she’s kind of a kook.

RENEE: Yeah, but still—I don’t see what’s in it for her.

I don’t know, say what you will about that Diane, you have to admit she’s got a charisma.

RENEE: No, I mean, I don’t see what’s in it for Diane.

Oh. That’s not a very nice thing to say about your friend Beth.

RENEE: No maybe not, / but—

Your friend Beth is an attractive person.

RENEE: Of course she is, I don’t mean she’s bad-looking, I just mean she’s—you know, a little slow.

Renee!

RENEE: Not in a bad way, not even slow really, just — weak.

I don’t see that.

RENEE: Come on, Pam, we all know Beth’s weak. She’s weak and submissive and that’s why Scott left her, we all know it we just don’t say it.

You don’t have spinning with her, you don’t see her on that machine. She’s very aggressive in spinning, like a wolf.

RENEE: Maybe so / but—

And anyway, so what if she is weak, that’s not why Scott left her. Scott left her because Scott is the kind of A-hole who gets married to suck a woman dry, and he took everything Beth hand and the second she was empty, he left.

RENEE: Well but that’s my point — she’s empty so what’s left for Diane? What’s the appeal there?

What is the matter with you?

RENEE: I’m just trying to put two and two together!

Well why don’t you stop trying to work out who adds up with who and let other people’s math be their own business, why don’t you try that!

RENEE: I just can’t imagine why Diane would take an interest in someone she has nothing in common with. At all.

Listen to what I’m about to say to you, Renee. You take your gratitude where you can get it, that’s my opinion. You know how most people live in this world. People are bums in the street, people have Ebola, people eat sticks with nothing to cover their naked hineys, and you? Your place is a palace, your husband’s devoted. Do not throw all that away on a freakin’ yard worker.

RENEE: She is not just a yard worker.

Oh believe me that is becoming clearer to me by the minute. There’s something very dark and unfortunate going on with that Diane, I can’t put my finger on it but I tell you I don’t care for it. What kind of person rides into town and whips everybody up into a frenzy like this? What kind of person doesn’t even stop in to Delfini’s after they get a very specific recommendation?

Be careful Renee, that’s all I’m saying. Don’t sacrifice everything you have.