Mamma Mae Peterson Lines

Bye Bye Birdie

It’s either her or the all-clear

Yoohoo!

Sonny!

Mamma! What’s the matter?

Don’t worry about me, Sonny. I’m just a little faint, from the subway…

Mamma, I told you to take a taxi.

Taxi! What do I need with taxis? I’ll leave the taxis for my successful son. A mother can ride crowded in a dirty subway full of foreign people who wouldn’t give you a seat if your life depended on it, but what’s the difference; nowadays a mother is lower than dirt anyway! Here’s the money I saved from not taking the taxi; buy some candy with it.

Who’s she?

Mamma, you know Rose Alvarez from the office.

This is Rose Alvarez? Pretty little Rose Alvarez? I can’t believe it… Rose, what happened? You had a sudden shock or something?

Excuse me, Albert; I think I’ll go see if Conrad’s here.

By all means, Miss Alvarez. Look at her, Sonny. How nice she looks. It’s a wonder to me some older man doesn’t snatch her up. A personable matron like that with brains and a few dollars. What a catch you’d be for a convalescent. Goodbye, Rose.

Goodbye, Mae.

Call me Mrs. Peterson.

Mamma, what I wanted to discuss with you is sort of about Rose. Maybe you’d better sit down.

Why? I know my Sonny. He loves his mamma. He isn’t going to say anything that would break her heart. Go ahead, dear. What about Rose?

Well, it’s about Lou, too.

Lou. Where are you, Lou? Struck down by a beverage I consumed faithfully for thirty-two years. What about Lou?

Rose thinks, and I agree, that I should give up Almaelou. What’s the matter, Mamma?

Nothing’s the matter. You killed me, that’s all. Lou, I’m coming. I’m on my way up.

You don’t understand, Mamma. It’s just that Rose though… I mean I thought… I mean… Look, Mamma, here’s some money. Take a cab home. The subways are too crowded.

Nothing is too crowded for a mother. I’ll take the I.R.T. That’s the worst subway. Wait a moment, how many blocks is it after all? Only a hundred and seven. I’ll walk.

Mamma…

Enjoy yourself, son. Take care. Wear your heavy coat. Be careful crossing the street. Keep your money in your inside pocket. Wear your rain boots. And eat a hot lunch…

Come in.

Three days and three nights on a Trailways Bus, but what’s the difference, I’m only a mother and for a mother a Trailways Bus is good enough.

Mamma, what are you doing here?

Did you think I wouldn’t come? A woman gets a letter obviously written under the influence of drugs and she should stay at home? Pay no attention. It’s only a mother’s tears. “Dear Mom: This is to let you know that Almaelou is dissolved. Your friend, Albert.” Almaelou is dissolved? Dissolve me! Who am I anyway? A sick old woman, probably won’t last the night. I just want a simple stone, with one word carved on it… Albert’s Mother. And don’t hire a limousine to get me to the final rest place. I’ll walk.

Mamma!

And tell that Spanish friend of yours I forgive her. She knoweth not what she doneth!

Mamma, Rose is right here!

This is Rose? I can’t believe it. She looks like Margo when they took her out of Shangri-La. For her own sake, Albert, send her back to Tibet. And don’t worry about a secretary. It so happens I met on the bus a perfect secretary. A wonderful refined girl on her way to Akron only I persuaded her to get off here.

Sonny, say hello to Gloria Rasputin.

But Mamma, I don’t need a secretary'; I have Rosie.

What does Rosie need a job for? In a year or two she’ll be getting Social Security.

I tap dance! I figured I could help you with the secretary stuff, and you would help me get into show business. Hold this, honey. Mae, can you hum Suwannee River?

It’s my favorite selection.

Get a load of this, Al.

Bravo! Bravo!

For a few minutes. Mae, gimme a hand, will you? Al, you push from the other side. Easy now…

Sonny, for the movies, they can always cut away while they jack her up.

Attagirl, Rosie. You just keep working and I’ll go along with Miss Rasputin.

I’ll find you a typewriter.

Get out of my way, Albert.

Be careful, Sonny! She may be armed!

I can handle her, Mamma. You go upstairs with Conrad and see that he gets into bed!

Wait for me, Conrad! I’ll make you a nice hot cup of Terramycin.

Rosie, I need you!

Sonnyboy! Where are you going?

Nowheres, Mamma. Just out. It’s stuffy in here so I thought… To look for Rosie, Mamma! I love her and want her back!

It that all? I thought it was something serious. By all means, Sonny, find your Lady of Spain and bring her back here. And by the way, dear, when you get back be sure to stop in the kitchen, take my head out of the oven, and turn off the gas…

Mamma!

It’s a strange house. I don’t want to run up a bill.

Mamma, I’ve had enough of this! If you really loved, you’d help me find Rosie before it’s too late. Don’t you realize what’s happened? That poor girl’s gone out to make up for all the years she wasted on me. Who knows what love dive she’s in at this very moment?

Oh, Sonny, you’re right! I’ll help you find her. Only maybe I better give you the message from Conrad first…

What message?

Nothing to worry about, Darling. He just says he’s going out tonight and he doesn’t think he’ll get back on time to kiss Kim tomorrow…

Mamma, why didn’t you tell me this before!

I tried to, darling sweetheart, but you kept bringing up a certain party from South of the Border.

Mamma, don’t just stand there! Do something!

Conrad, did you ever think in terms of a more mature woman?

…Conrad, you stay right here!

Conrad…

Here it is! Maude’s Roadside Retreat! I’m coming, Rose! Hurry, Mamma!

I don’t know why we have to go running around all night looking for someone it would be better not to find in the first place. If you listen to me, Sonnyboy, you’ll come home, have a nice cup of Postum and go to bed.

…Why don’t you go home, Mamma?

What did you say, sweetheart darling?

“Why don’t you go home, Mamma.”

Would you mind repeating that once more, sunshine of my existence?

I said, go home, Mamma. I don’t need you anymore.

It’s come at last! At last it’s come! The day I knew would come at last has come at last! My Sonnyboy doesn’t need me any longer. Well, what are you waiting for? Get rid of me! Put me out with the garbage! Just throw me out with the used grapefruits and the empty cans of tuna fish. And never mind putting a lid on. Leave it open soa hundred thousand pussycats can walk all over a Mother!

Are you finished, Mamma?

Yes, Sonnyboy.

Goodnight, Mamma.

You’re just like your father—you’d marry anything…Goodnight, Sonnyboy.

My name is not Sonnyboy.

Goodnight… Aaalbert!

Oh, Rosie, nothing can stop you now!

Hello, Rose.

Hello, Mae.

So we’re alone at last. Have you a minute to spare for a heart-to-heart with an old friend?

I’ll always have time to talk with the woman who by tomorrow evening I’ll be able to call—

Don’t say it, Rose!

I’ll be able to call Mother.

The cruelest word I ever heard! …To think I would live to see the day I’d have relatives in El Salvador.

Adios, Mama.

Adios, Rosita.