Yellow Wallpaper: 5. A Matter of Will, 1910– and a Discovery, 1950

writing

John is away all day, and even some nights when his cases are serious. I’m glad that my case is not serious. He does not know how much I really suffered. He knows there is no reason to suffer, and that satisfies him. Of course it’s only nervousness…

It does weigh on me so not to do my duty in anyway. I meant to be such a help to John, such a real rest and comfort, and here I am a comparative burden already!

It is fortunate the nurse weight is so good with the baby. Such a dear baby! And yet I cannot be with her, it makes me so nervous. John is right. I should not be with her. I suppose John was never nervous in his life.

john walks in

You said we could have the room prepared perhaps—

But we shouldn’t and let me tell you why. Because you are letting it get the better of you. There’s nothing worse for a nervous patient than to give away to such fantasies. After the wallpaper, we’ve got to redo the windows—

—just the bars—

— and then the gate at the head of the stairs, and on and on really dear, I don’t care to renovate the house just for a summer rental

Then perhaps we can go downstairs? There are such pretty rooms there.

You blessed little goose, you know if you wanted it, I’d move to the seller even. What does her majesty desire? Does she want the whole seller wet washed? And a new feathered bed down there?

No, it’s silly. I don’t want to move us all around for a whim. And it’s perfectly comfortable. I’m getting rather fond of it really. Except all that horrid wallpaper. But I love looking out the window at the garden. Can’t you practically see the elegant people walking down that path?

You should be careful. Giving away a fancy like that. With your imaginative power, your habit of story making, a nervous weakness, like yours assure to lead to all manner of excited fancies.

Oh

But never fear. You can check the tenancy with your Will and good sense.

And I try, but… Perhaps, if I could write, it would relieve the price of ideas a little. It might be restful even.

Perhaps. As soon as you are well enough to write. And when you get really well, perhaps we could have cousin Henry and Julia down for a visit.

Really? Oh that would be so wonderful. Just to have someone.

But you must get better first. I would as soon put fireworks in your pillowcase as let all those stimulating people around you now.

I wish I could get well faster

it’s a matter of Will my dear. You just have to try.

I will. I do. Try.

can’t he see you’re trying echo

Let me tell you about this wallpaper. The color is

repellent almost revolting.