SPRING CLEANING

Queer Stories Spring Cleaning

(angelle) I couldn't help myself from being queer. Every atom and instinct in my body couldn't help but love who I wanted to love despite who I thought I had to be.

In the back of my closet, there’s a cheerleading uniform, prom dresses and boxes of belongings from boys I played with like barbie dolls and discarded when I was done.

In the back of my closet, there’s a cheerleading uniform, prom dresses and boxes of belongings from boys I played with like barbie dolls and discarded when I was done.

The closet was my disguise; a shirt shrunken in the dryer, a little tight, but it fit. And most importantly, the closet, for me, was a shelter. Just, like my hometown of Lafayette, Louisiana. I found it claustrophobic, and confining.

The closet was my disguise; a shirt shrunken in the dryer, a little tight, but it fit. And most importantly, the closet, for me, was a shelter. Just, like my hometown of Lafayette, Louisiana. I found it claustrophobic, and confining.

I picture my hometown as an eternal Friday night, a football field flooded in fluorescent light. Surrounded by sugar cane fields, the roads slowed by tractors, the southern drawl as thick as the perpetual humidity. This was the setting of my story. So, I wrote myself in.

I picture my hometown as an eternal Friday night, a football field flooded in fluorescent light. Surrounded by sugar cane fields, the roads slowed by tractors, the southern drawl as thick as the perpetual humidity. This was the setting of my story. So, I wrote myself in.

I’ve decided it’s time for some spring cleaning. Weeding the dust covered musty closet of things that don’t fit. A cleaning of ideas. Of labels and perception. Of things that no longer serve me and my truth.

I’ve decided it’s time for some spring cleaning. Weeding the dust covered musty closet of things that don’t fit. A cleaning of ideas. Of labels and perception. Of things that no longer serve me and my truth.

Since I molded my high school persona off of the women of 2000’s rom coms. The shock of my coming out was seismic. Perhaps the first earthquake ever recorded in south Louisiana, though only felt by the bubble of the small community I grew up in.

Since I molded my high school persona off of the women of 2000’s rom coms. The shock of my coming out was seismic. Perhaps the first earthquake ever recorded in south Louisiana, though only felt by the bubble of the small community I grew up in.

It was discussed in hushed whispers to fuel the local rumor mill, shocking to everyone, even me. I didn’t even mean to do it. To finally come out. But I laid my armor down.

That orange is the new black is the funniest shit i’ve ever seen but i’ll never understand it 

(throws up a peace sign)

Do you...understand it?

(almost nonverbal) uh yea…

What about all your boyfriends? Are you like..into your friends? Olivia? Mattie? Marium?

As my mother interrogated every close female friendship I’d ever had, I tried to swallow the pizza I'd chewed into mush. At this moment, I was truly speechless. 

MOTHER

How are you a cheerleader and gay? How did you have boyfriends and you were gay? 

How about I show you?

CHEERLEADER 1

Yeah of course! 

CAROLINE

Totally!

CHEERLEADER 2

Thank you so much!

CAROLINE

Sooooo what are we thinking for our next dance mix?

CHEERLEADER 2

California girls? Do we like the music video vibe?

CAROLINE

Ok, or we do both?

CHEERLEADERS 1 AND 2 

YES!!!

Not only did cheer help me build meaningful relationships, it got me hooked on all things pop music which helped me find my queerness. 

Not only did cheer help me build meaningful relationships, it got me hooked on all things pop music which helped me find my queerness. 

Now, about the revolving door of boyfriends.. I knew I had to have a boyfriend when a pact of 7th grade girls told me so. I was walking to science class, holding tight onto my bright green backpack covered in Taylor Swift lyrics, when it happened.

MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY taps on CAROLINE’S shoulder.
 

CAROLINE 

Yes middle school boy to whom I am only somewhat acquainted?

MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY

Were you planning on going to the fall dance?

CAROLINE 

Uhhhhh– yes uh probably, got to go!

MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY

Would you want to go like with me (beat) 

Well like my mom is driving me so like not literally go together um unless that like sounds good to you and in that case maybe I could figure something out but i–

CAROLINE 

I have to go to the bathroom

CAROLINE 

I have to go to the bathroom

CAROLINE

But I went. I spent my 13th birthday slow dancing like a zombie with my date, who sang the entirety of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” to me as we rocked back and forth. He and his boyfriend are very happy together these days. 

After that, I continued collecting prom dates like Pokémon cards. Still, there were signs...

tegan and sara plays

yeah so im pretty sure if we met in real life we’d fall in love

Tegan or Sara

Tegan is more my vibe

BOYF

Well does that mean you’re like...gay?

CAROLINE

I mean I think everyone is like a little gay...like don’t you think so?

CAROLINE

I mean I think everyone is like a little gay...like don’t you think so?

My coming out journey took a long time because my understanding of myself and what my queerness could look like was so small. I thought that because I liked a certain sport, or because I dressed a certain way, that my very real all-consuming love and attraction for women could not coexist. I was sheltered and locked into a closet of my own making, where I believed queerness could only look a certain way and that I didn’t fit the mold. There is no mold. I wish I realized that sooner. 

I’m so thankful to every person along the way who helped me realize queerness is not a certain look you have to try on. It’s just who I am as I am.

CHEERLEADER 2

Date whoever they want.

CAROLINE 

And it ultimately shapes them into the ever-evolving, multifaceted person they are.