Intimate Relationships-Miller Chapter 11

Conflict

occurs when one's wishes or actions actually obstruct or impede those of someone else

Dialects

opposing motivations that can never be entirely satisfied because they contradict each other

autonomy versus connection, openness versus closedness, stability versus change, and integration versus separation

What are the four types of dialects discussed in the text?

-personality

-attachment style

-stage of life

-similarity

-stress

-sleep

-alcohol

What are the influences correlated with how much conflict we encounter?

criticism

involves verbal or nonverbal acts that are judged to communicate unfair dissatisfaction with a partner's behavior, attitude, or trait

illegitimate demands

requests that seem unjust because they exceed the normal expectations that the partners hold for each other

rebuffs

one person appeals to another for a desired reaction, and the other person fails to respond as expected

cumulative annoyance

relatively trivial events that become irritating with repetition

actor-observer effect

the tendency of people to make external attributions regarding their own behaviors

self-serving attributions

explanations for one's successes that credit internal, dispositional factors and explanations for one's failures that blame external, situational factors

attributional conflict

fighting over whose explanation is right and whose is wrong

Avoidance

occurs only when both parties evade the conflict

direct and indirect

When partners say mean and nasty things to each other, they can be of two types...

(a) accusations that criticize the partner and attribute negative qualities to him or her (such as, "This is your fault, and you're being ridiculous")

(b) hostile commands for compliance that sometimes involve threats of physical or emotional harm ("If you know what's good for you, you'll shut up")

(c) antagonistic questions ("Who do you think you are, a**hole?)

(d) surly or sarcastic put-downs that communicate disgust or disapproval (including argumentative interruptions and shouting down one's partner).

What are the elements of direct tactics?

(a) condescension or implied negativity that hints at animosity or arrogance ("You don't need to worry your pretty little head about that")

( b) dysphoric affect, such as melancholy, dejection, or whining ("Why do I have to do everything around here?")

(c) attempts to change topics preemptively ("I don't want to talk about this now")

(d) evasive remarks that fail to acknowledge the partner or that fail to recognize the conflict ("Whatever").

What are the elements of indirect tactics?

negative affect reciprocity

partners trade escalating provocations back and forth

emotional flooding

instances when people become highly aroused and disorganized in response to their partners' negative statements

demand/withdraw pattern

one partner engages in demanding forms of behavior, such as complaints, criticisms, and pressures for changes, while the other partner engages in withdrawing forms of behavior, such as half-hearted involvement, changing the topic, avoiding discussion, or even walking away

(a) showing a willingness to deal with the problem by accepting responsibility or by offering concessions or a compromise

( b) exhibiting support for the other's point of view through paraphrasing

(c) offering self-disclosure with "I statements"; and (d) providing approval and affection.

What are the nice direct tactics?

1. be attentive

2. be optimistic

3. value your partner's outcomes as well as your own

4. Along those lines, don't keep trying to resolve conflict by getting your partner to behave differently; instead, consider what you can do differently to improve things.

5. adopt a future orientation to reduce the intensity of your conflict

6. take breaks in your conflict, especially if things get rough

Steps to successful negotiation with a loved one:

active, passive, constructive, destructive

Four types of responses to conflict and dissatisfaction

voice

is behaving in an active, constructive manner by trying to improve the situation by discussing matters with the partner, changing one's behavior in an effort to solve the problem, or obtaining advice from a friend or therapist.

loyalty

is behaving in a passive hoping for conditions to improve. but constructive manner by optimistically waiting and hoping for conditions to improve

neglect

is behaving in a passive but destructive manner by avoiding discussion of critical issues and reducing interdependence with the partner. When one is neglectful, one stands aside and just lets things get worse.

exit

is behaving in an actively destructive manner by leaving the partner, threatening to end the relationship, or engaging in abusive acts such as yelling or hitting.

accomodation

the ability to remain constructive in the face of a lover's temporary disregard

Volatile couples have frequent and passionate arguments. They plunge into fiery efforts to persuade and influence each other, and they often display high levels of negative affect, but they temper their anger with plenty of wit and evident fondness for each other.

Validators fight more politely. They tend to be calmer than volatile couples are, and they behave more like collaborators than like antagonists as they work through their problems. Their discussions may become heated, but they frequently validate each other by expressing empathy for, and understanding of, the other's point of view.

In contrast to volatiles and validators, avoiders rarely argue. They avoid confrontation, and when a conflict arises, they're unlikely to discuss it; they'll often just try to fix it on their own or wait it out, hoping that the passage of time will solve the problem. If they do get around to discussing their conflicts, they do so mildly and gingerly.

Although they are very different, Gottman asserted that all three types of couples can last because they all maintain a high ratio of rewards to costs in their approaches to conflict.

What are the three discrete approaches to conflict that can lead to stable and enduring marriages?

couples who fail to maintain a 5-to-1 ratio of nice behavior to nasty conduct. Their discussions are sprinkled with too much criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal, and the longer they last, the more oppressive they become

hostile couples

1. Separation occurs when one or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict.

2. In domination , one partner gets his or her way when the other capitulates. This happens routinely when one person is more powerful than the other, and the more powerful partner will typically be pleased with the outcome.

3. Compromise occurs when both parties reduce their aspirations or gradually change their goals (Gere & Impett, 2018) so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be found.

4. Integrative agreements satisfy both partners' original goals and aspirations, usually through creativity and flexibility.

5. On occasion, the partners not only get what they want but also learn and grow and make desirable changes to their relationship. This pleasant outcome, structural improvement , isn't frequent, and when it occurs, it may result from significant turmoil and upheaval.

Peterson (2002): five ways a conflict can end

self control

For most people, successful conflict management entails ________ _____________.

speaker-listener technique

provides a structure for calm, clear communication about contentious issues that promotes the use of active listening skills and increases the chances that partners will understand and validate each other despite their disagreement