Company lines - Sarah

Okay, come on. Say it and get it over with. It's embarrassing. Quick. I can't stand it.

Happy birthday, Robert.

I stood it. Thank you for including me in your thoughts, your lives, your families. Yes, thank you for remembering. Thank you.

You don't look it.

Well, I feel it.

It's the birthday boy!

She loves it when people are really surprised.

If you don't like it, you can take it back.

ROBERT:

Well, I haven't even seen it yet.

SARAH:

I mean, though, if you don't like it -

Robert:

I know I'll like it.

Sarah:

Why don't you just take it back?

Harry:

For God's sake, he just said he likes it.

Sarah:

Pretend not to notice Harry, Robert. I think I'll leave.

David:

Robert. Happy birthday from us.

Happy Birthday!

David:

And may this year bring you fame, fortune, and your first wife.

Here, here.

Susan:

You have to close your eyes and blow them all out.

Sarah:

Be sure you make it a good one, Robert.

Jenny?

He does? It must be a new rule!

Sarah:

Sure you do.

Harry:

Anyway, Robert, you're in your prime - thirty-five.

Sarah:

Harry, hush! You don't tell a person's age at our ages.

[COMPANY ends]

Sarah:

Harry, it's the door. I'll get it.

Peter?:

Oh, the kids. It's gonna wake up the kids.

Sarah:

There's cinnamon in the coffee, Robert... the odd taste is cinnamon. Sugar and cream?

Robert:

Both. May I have lots of both?

Sarah:

Of course you may.

Bobby:

You having some?

Sarah:

We don't drink, but you have some, you darling. Go ahead.

Harry:

Right.

Sarah:

Sweetheart!

Robert:

Are you both on the wagon? Sarah? You're not on the wagon?

Sarah:

Goodness, Robert, all the questions! Or do you just collect trivia like some old quiz show contestant? We spend half our lives with you and now you notice Harry's on the wagon?

Harry:

A year and a half.

Sarah:

No, love, just a year.

Harry:

It was a year in February. It's a year and a half now.

Sarah:

I know for a fact next month it will be a year.

Harry:

And a half.

Sarah:

One year. Count it, one! Harry got arrested for being drunk and quit out of some kind of humiliation.

Robert:

Never. You never mentioned it or I never would have brought the bourbon. How were you arrested?

Sarah:

Another question! Here, don't you have one of those brownies you brought?

Harry:

I was in California on business and I really got soused one night and these guys drove me back to my hotel but instead of going in, I walked down to the corner to get something to eat to sober up.

Sarah:

You said it was three blocks.

Harry:

No, just the corner.

Sarah:

Three blocks.

Harry:

Anyway, this patrol car stopped me and said, "You're drunk." I said, "Drunk? I'm clobbered." He said, "I'm taking you in." "Take me to my hotel, for God's sake," I said, "it's just on the corner."

Sarah:

Three blocks away.

Harry:

..I only had wine...

Sarah:

Only three bottles...

Harry:

And I insisted on taking a drunk test. I flunked it by one point.

Sarah:

And that is when you quit, precious. He always thinks it was the first arrest, but it was the second. We never told you that? Curious, I thought Harry had told everybody.

Harry:

Anyway, I quit to see if I really had a drinking problem, and I don't.

Sarah:

Just a problem drinking.

Robert:

Do you miss it?

Sarah:

See how you talk in questions! Harry, do you miss it?

Harry:

No. No, I really don't.

Sarah:

Yes. Yes, he really does. Hi, darling.

Harry:

Anyway, I stopped, haven't had a drink since.

Sarah:

Whoops.

Harry:

What's whoops? I haven't had a drink since.

Sarah:

At Sheila and George's wedding.

H:

A toast, for God's sake. Sorry, Robert, you must have noticed how staggering falling-down drunk I got on one swallow of Champagne.

S:

I never said you got drunk, but you did have the Champagne.

H:

A swallow. One swallow.

S:

And it was gone. An elephant swallow.

R:

I'd like to ask for another bourbon, but I'm terrified.

S:

Darling Robert, put a nipple on the bottle for all we care. Don't you want a brownie?

R:

God, no. I'll bust.

S:

Bust? You bust! You skinny thing. Just look at you. Bones. You're skin and bones. I bet when you get on a scale it goes the other way - minus.

R:

Well, thank you, Sarah. I am touched and honored. And I think I was just insulted.

S:

Oh, Robert, I was praying that you'd eat just one so I could watch.

R:

Sarah! Is it possible you've become a food voyeur?

S:

Mexican food. What I crave without cease is Mexican food. With all the Tobasco sauce in the world.

H:

Don't eat that brownie!

S:

I'm not! I'm just smelling it. Oh, Robert, you eat one!

R:

Not with bourbon.

S:

And chocolate. I'd kill for chocolate. Or a baked potato with sour cream and chives. Doesn't that just make you writhe? Or hot sourdough bread and all the butter there is.

H:

Chili.

S:

Oh, chili, dear God, yes, chili!

H:

Manicotti.

S:

Manicotti. One teaspoon of manicotti.

H:

Sara Lee cake.

S:

Sara Lee cake! Sara Lee is the most phenomenal woman since Eleanor Roosevelt!

H:

How about sweet and sour shrimp?

S:

How about sweet and sour anything?

H:

Not me, Sarah.

S:

Look at these pants. You can put your fist in there. That's how much weight I've lost.

H:

She always does that. Look, I can put my fist in my pants, too, you know. She thinks I buy that.

S:

Darling, I've lost eight pounds already.

H:

...It's a sickness. We're up to our ass in magazines.

S:

I read them all.

H:

Don't.

S:

Do.

H:

Look at this, Robert. Wrestling. She even subscribes to a magazine on wrestling.

S:

Karate, not wrestling. It's karate.

H:

Wouldn't you like to see it? All those broads in her gym learning karate. What wouldn't you give to see that?

S:

Strangely enough, darling, I'm terribly good at it.

R:

How long have you been studying it?

S:

Who asked that question? Oh, Robert! Seven months.

H:

Show us some karate.

S:

No. Robert, would you like some more coffee, love? You, Harry?

H:

No. I want some karate. I want to see how my money is being wasted.

S:

No.

H:

Do one thing.

S:

No.

R:

Come on, Sarah, I really would give anything to see you do just one. I bet you're excellent. Hey, I'll be your partner.

S:

No. Oh, Harry, this is embarrassing.

H:

Aw, come on.

S:

My God - all right.

H:

Hooray!

S:

One throw!

H:

Hooray!

S:

Harry, do you want to stand there?

H:

Where?

S:

There.

H:

All right. I'm standing here. Now what?

S:

Okay. Now just come at me.

H:

Actually, I could have prevented that.

S:

How?

H:

By blocking it.

S:

No, that can't be blocked.

H:

It certainly can. I just didn't do it.

S:

Anyway, Robert, that can't be blocked.

H:

Let's do it again.

S:

All right, darling

H:

I'll come at you again.

S:

Okay.

Oh, I see. Put me down. Okay, do it again.

H:

Give up?

S:

Do you?

H:

I've got you.

S:

I've got you.

H:

Do you want to do it again?

S:

All right. You break first.

H:

Uh-uh. You break first.

S:

We can just stay here.

R:

You're both very good.

H & S:

Thank you.

H:

I could get out of this, you know.

S:

Try it.

H:

Okay, I tried it.

S:

Uncle?

H:I had you there...

S:

I had you there...

Robert:

I'd say it was a draw. Wow. Look at the time. I've got to get going.

Both:

Awwww!

R:

Wow. Listen, I had a great time.

S:

So did we.

R:

I mean, no! I mean, will I see you guys soon?

S:

Don't answer that, Harry. He gets no more questions, that sneaky Pete.

H:

I'll turn out the lights.

S:

I will! I always do.

H:

No, you don't.

S:

Oh, Harry, I love you.

WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH

ALL TO DO WITH HER

S:

Harry, darling, come to bed.

Don't. You're a lucky son-of-a-gun now. Hang in there.

S:

Stay exactly the same. You may be the one constant in this world of variables.

Stay exactly as you are, Robert.

S:

That's right, you sweet thing, you stay exactly as you are.

ISN'T IT WARM

ISN'T IT ROSY

SIDE BY SIDE

S:

He's such a cutie.

...BY SIDE.

S:

Isn't he a cutie?

ONE'S IMPOSSIBLE, TWO IS DREARY,

THREE IS COMPANY, SAFE AND CHEERY,

SIDE...

S:

He always looks like he's keeping score.

...BY SIDE...

S:

Who's winning, Robert?

That's true but there's more than that.

S:

Is that all you think there is to it?

It has been over two hours now. Maybe he forgot.

S:

How can anyone forget a surprise birthday?

Yes, I think we can go now.

S:

Maybe we should leave him a note.

Okay. All together, everybody.

All:

Happy birthday, Robert.