Madame Arcati Lines

CHARLES: You go and meet her darling.

MADAME ARCATI: I've leant my bike up against that little bush; it'll be perfectly all right if no one touches it.

CHARLES: My dear Madame Arcati!

MADAME ARCATI: I'm afraid i'm rather late; but I had a sudden presentiment that I was going to have a puncture so I went back to fetch my pump… and then of course I didn't have a puncture at all.

CHARLES: Perhaps you will on the way home.

MADAME ARCATI: Dr. Bradman, the man with the gentle hands!

DR. BRADMAN:: i'm delighted to see you looking so well. This is my wife.

MADAME ARCATI: We are old friends, we meet coming out of shops.

CHARLES: Would you like a cocktail?

MADAME ARCATI: If it's a dry Martini, yes- if it's a concoction, no. Experience has taught me to be very wary of concoctions.

CHARLES: It is a dry Martini.

MADAME ARCATI: How delicious. It was wonderful cycling through the woods this evening. I was deafened with bird song.

RUTH: It's been lovely all day.

MADAME ARCATI: But the evening's the time- mark my words.

Thank you. Cheers! Cheers!

RUTH: Don't you find it very tiring bicycling everywhere?

MADAME ARCATI: On the contrary it stimulates me. I was getting far too sedentary in London. That horrid little flat with dim lights! They have to be dim you know; the clients expect it.

MRS. BRADMAN: I must say I find bicycling very exhausting.

MADAME ARCATI: Steady rhythm, that's what counts. Once you get the Knack of it you need never look back. On you get and away you go.

MRS. BRADMAN: But the hills, Madame Arcati; pushing up those awful hills.

MADAME ARCATI: Just Knack again. Down with your head, up with your heart, and you're over the top like a flash and skimming down the other side like a dragon-fly. This is the best dry Martini I've had for years.

CHARLES: Will you have another?

MADAME ARCATI: Certainly. You're a very clever man. Anybody can write books, but it takes an artist to make a dry martini that's dry enough.

RUTH: Are you writing anything nowadays, Madame Arcati?

MADAME ARCATI: Every morning regular as clockwork, seven till one.

CHARLES: Is it a novel or a memoir?

MADAME ARCATI: It's a children's book. I have to finish it by the end of October to catch the Christmas sales. It's mostly about very small animals; the hero is a moss beetle.

I had to give up my memoir of Princess Palliatani because she died in April. I talked to her about it the other day and she implored me to go on with it. But I really hadn't the heart.

MRS. BRADMAN: You talked to her about it the other day?

MADAME ARCATI: Yes, through my control, of course. She sounded very irritable.

RUTH: I expect it's dreadfully ignorant of me not to know but who was Princess Palliatani?

MADAME ARCATI: She was originally a Jewish woman from Odessa of quite remarkable beauty. It was an accepted fact that people would stand on the seats of railway stations to watch her Whizz by.

CHARLES: She was a keen traveler?

MADAME ARCATI: In her younger days, yes. Later on she married a Mr. Clarke in the Consular Service and settled down for a while.

RUTH: How did she become Princess Palliatani?

MADAME ARCATI: That was years later. Mr. Clarke passed over and left her penniless with two strapping girls.

RUTH: How unpleasant.

MADAME ARCATI: And so there was nothing for it but to obey the beckoning finger of adventure and take to the road again. So off she went, bag and baggage, to Vladivostock.

CHARLES: What an extraordinary place to go!

MADAME ARCATI: She had cousins there. Some years later she met old Palliatani, who was returning from a secret mission in Japan. He was immediately staggered by her beauty and very shortly afterwards married her. From then on her life became really interesting.

RUTH: What happened to the girls?

MADAME ARCATI: She neither saw nor spoke to them for twenty-three years.

MRS. BRADMAN: How extraordinary.

MADAME ARCATI: Not at all. She was always very erratic emotionally.

RUTH: Thank you, Edith. Shall we?

MADAME ARCATI: No red meat I hope?

RUTH: There's meat, but I don't think it will be very red. Would you rather have an egg or something?

MADAME ARCATI: No, thank you. It's just that I make it a rule to never to eat red meat before I work. It sometimes has an odd effect…

CHARLES: What sort of effect?

MADAME ARCATI: Oh, nothing of the least importance. If it isn't very red, it won't matter much. Anyhow, we'll risk it.

Scene 2 first line.

MADAME ARCATI: …on her mothers side she went right back to the Borgias, which I think accounted for a lot one way or another. Even as a child she was given to the most violent destructive tempers. Very inbred, you know.

MRS. BRADMAN: Yes, she must have been.

MADAME ARCATI: My control was quite scared the other day when we were talking. I could hear it in her voice. After all, she's only a child.

RUTH: Do you always have a child as a control?

MADAME ARCATI: Yes, children are undoubtedly more satisfactory, particularly when they get to know you and understand your ways. Daphne has worked with me for years.

MRS. BRADMAN: And she still goes on being a child? I mean, she doesn't show any signs of growing any older?

MADAME ARCATI: Time values on the other side are utterly different from ours.

MRS. BRADMAN: Do you feel funny when you go off into a trance?

MADAME ARCATI: In what way funny?

RUTH: Mrs. Bradman doesn't mean funny in its comic implication; I think she meant odd or strange.

MADAME ARCATI: The word was an unfortunate choice.

MRS. BRADMAN: I'm sure I'm very sorry.

MADAME ARCATI: It doesn't matter in the least. Please don't apologize.

RUTH: When did you first discover that you had these extraordinary powers?

MADAME ARCATI: When I was quite tiny. My mother was a medium before me, you know, and so I had every opportunity of starting on the ground floor as you might say. I had my first trance when I was four years old and my first ectoplasmic manifestation when I was five and a half. What an exciting day that was! I shall never forget it. Of course the manifestation itself was quite small and of very short duration, but for a child of my tender years, it was most gratifying.

MRS. BRADMAN: Your mother must have been so pleased.

MADAME ARCATI: She was.

MRS. BRADMAN:: Can you foretell the future?

MADAME ARCATI: Certainly not. I disapprove of fortune tellers most strongly.

MRS. BRADMAN: Oh, really? Why?

MADAME ARCATI: Too much guesswork and fake mixed up with it, even when the gift is genuine. And it only very occasionally is. You can't count on it.

RUTH: Why not?

MADAME ARCATI: Time again. Time is the reef upon which all our frail mystic ships are wrecked.

RUTH: you mean because it has never yet been proved that the past and the present and the future are not all one in the same thing.

MADAME ARCATI: I long ago came to the conclusion that nothing has ever been definitely proved about anything.

MRS. BRADMAN: No, I don't think so.

MADAME ARCATI: Once I am off it won't matter, but an interruption during the preliminary stages might be disastrous.

MRS. BRADMAN: I wish the men would hurry up. I'm terribly excited.

MADAME ARCATI: Please don't be. It makes everything much, much more difficult.

CHARLES: Well, Madame Arcati, the time is drawing near.

MADAME ARCATI: Who knows? it may be receding!

DR. BRADMAN:: I hope you feel in the mood, Madame Arcati.

MADAME ARCATI: It isn't a question of mood. It's a question of concentration.

RUTH: you must forgive us being impatient. We can perfectly easily wait though, if you're not quite ready to start.

MADAME ARCATI: Nonsense, my dear, i'm absolutely ready. Heigho, heigho, to work, we go!

CHARLES: Is there anything you'd like us to do?

MADAME ARCATI: Do?

CHARLES: Yes- hold hands or anything?

MADAME ARCATI: All that will come later. First a few deep deep breaths of fresh air. You may talk if you wish. it will not disturb me in the least.

CHARLES: It looked a bit hysterical, but it tasted delicious.

MADAME ARCATI: That cuckoo is very angry.

CHARLES: I beg your pardon?

MADAME ARCATI: I said that cuckoo is very angry. Listen.

CHARLES: How can you tell?

MADAME ARCATI: Timbre. No moon; that's as well I think. There's mist rising from the marshes. There's no need for me to light my bicycle lamp, is there? I mean, nobody is likely to fall over it?

RUTH: No, we're not expecting anybody else.

MADAME ARCATI: Goodnight you foolish bird. you have a table?

CHARLES: Yes, we thought that one would do.

MADAME ARCATI: I think the one that has the drinks on it would be better.

RUTH: Yes darling.

MADAME ARCATI: This is a moment I always hate.

RUTH: Are you nervous?

MADAME ARCATI: Yes. When I was a girl I always used to be sick.

RUTH: Children are always much more prone to be sick than grown-ups, though, aren't they? I know I could never travel in a train with any degree of safety until I was fourteen.

MADAME ARCATI: 'Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper. what shall he have but brown bread and butter? I despise that because it doesn't rhyme at all; but Daphne loves it.

CHARLES: How old is she?

MADAME ARCATI: Rising seven when she died.

MRS. BRADMAN: And when was that?

MADAME ARCATI: February the sixth, eighteen eighty-four.

DR. BRADMAN:: She must be a little long in the tooth by now, I should think.

MADAME ARCATI: You should think, Doctor Bradman, but I fear you don't; at least not profoundly enough.

MRS. BRADMAN: Do be quiet George, you'll put Madame Arcati off.

MADAME ARCATI: Don't worry my dear, I am quite used to sceptics. They generally turn out to be the most vulnerable and receptive in the long run.

DR. BRADMAN:: Please forgive me, Madame Arcati. I can assure you I am most deeply interested.

MADAME ARCATI: It is of no consequence. Will you all sit round the table, please, and place your hands downwards on it?

CHARLES: What about the lights?

MADAME ARCATI: All in good time, Mr. Condomine, sit down, please. The fingers should be touching… that's right. I presume that, that is the gramophone, Mr. Condomine?

CHARLES: Yes. Would you like me to start it? It's an electric one.

MADAME ARCATI: Please stay where you are. I can manage. Now let me see, what have we here? Brahms, oh dear me no; Rachminoff, too florid. Where is the dance music?

RUTH: They're the loose ones on the left.

MADAME ARCATI: I see.

CHARLES: I'm afraid they're none of them very new.

MADAME ARCATI: Daphne is really attached to Irving Berlin than anybody else. She likes a tune she can hum. Ah here's one, 'Always'.

CHARLES: Nothing-- nothing at all.

MADAME ARCATI: The light switch is by the door?

RUTH: yes, all except the small one on the desk and the gramophone.

MADAME ARCATI: Very well, I understand.

MRS. BRADMAN: Fingers touching, George. Remember what Madame Arcati said.

MADAME ARCATI: Now there are one or two things that I should like to explain; so will you all listen attentively?

RUTH: Of course.

MADAME ARCATI: Presently, when the music begins, I am going to switch out the lights. I may then either walk about the room for a little or lie down flat. In due course I shall place myself between you and your wife Mr. Condomine, and rest hands lightly above yours. I must ask you not to address me or move or do anything in the least distracting. Is that quite, quite clear?

CHARLES: Perfectly.

MADAME ARCATI: Of course I can not guarantee that anything will happen at all. Daphne may be unavailable. She had a head cold very recently, and was rather under the weather, poor child. On the other hand a great many things might occur. One of you might have an emanation for instance; or we might contact a poltergeist, which would be extremely destructive and noisy.

RUTH: In what way destructive?

MADAME ARCATI: They throw things, you know.

RUTH: No, I didn't know.

MADAME ARCATI: But we must cross that bridge when we come to it, mustn't we

CHARLES: Certainly- by all means.

MADAME ARCATI: Fortunately an Elemental at this time of the year is most unlikely…

RUTH: What do Elementals do?

MADAME ARCATI: Oh my dear, one can never tell. They're dreadfully unpredictable. Usually they take the form of a very cold wind.

MRS. BRADMAN: I don't think I shall like that.

MADAME ARCATI: Occasionally reaching almost hurricane velocity.

RUTH: You don't think it would be a good idea to take the more breakable ornaments off the mantelpiece before we start?

MADAME ARCATI: That really is not necessary, Mrs. Condomine. I assure you I have my own way of dealing with Elementals.

RUTH: I'm so glad.

MADAME ARCATI: Now, then; are you ready to empty your minds?

DR. BRADMAN:: Do you mean we are to think of nothing?

MADAME ARCATI: Absolutely nothing, Doctor Bradman. concentrate on a space or a nondescript colour. That's really the best way.

DR. BRADMAN:: I'll do my damndest.

MADAME ARCATI: Good work! I will now start the music. Lights!

MRS. BRADMAN: Oh dear!

MADAME ARCATI: Quiet…Please… Is there anyone there? (long pause) Is there anyone there? (Another long pause) One rap for yes… two raps for no. Now then… Is there anyone there? (Little bump)

MRS. BRADMAN: Oh!

MADAME ARCATI: Sshhh!… Is that you daphne? (Louder bump) Is your cold better dear? (Two loud quick bumps) oh, i'm so sorry. Are you doing anything for it? (several bumps) I'm afraid she's rather fretful. (Silence) Is there anyone there who wishes to speak to anyone here? (One bump) Ah! now we're getting somewhere… No Daphne don't do that, dear you're hurting me… Daphne, dear, please… Oh oh oh!… Be good, there's a dear child… you say there is someone there who wishes to speak to someone here? (One bump) Is it me? (Two bumps) Is it Doctor Bradman? (Two bumps) Is it Mrs. Bradman? (Two bumps) Is it Mrs. Condomine? (Several bumps and table shaking) Stop it! behave yourself! Is it Mr. Condomine? (Silence then one loud bump) There's someone who wishes to speak to you, Mr. Condomine.

CHARLES: Tell them to leave a message.

MADAME ARCATI: (Table bangs about) I really must ask you not to flippant, Mr. Condomine.

CHARLES: I'm sorry it slipped out.

MADAME ARCATI: Do you know anybody who has passed over recently?

CHARLES: Not recently, except my cousin in the civil service, and he wouldn't be likely to want to communicate with me. We haven't spoken for years.

MADAME ARCATI: Are you Mr. Condomine's cousin in the civil service? I'm afraid we've drawn a blank. Can't you think of anyone else? Rack your brains.

RUTH: It's worth trying, anyhow.

MADAME ARCATI: Are you old Mrs. Plummet?

RUTH: She was very deaf. Perhaps you better shout.

MADAME ARCATI: ARE YOU OLD MRS. PLUMMET? There's nobody there at all.

DR. BRADMAN:: Violet, be quiet.

MADAME ARCATI: Well, I'm afraid there's nothing for it but for me to go into a trance. I had hoped to avoid it because it's so exhausting… However what must be must be. Excuse me a moment while I start the gramophone again.

RUTH: Why ever not, Charles? Don't be absurd.

MADAME ARCATI: I'm afraid I must. It would be imprudent to change the horses in midstream, if you know what I mean. (go into trance).

RUTH: Be careful, Charles, you're spilling it all down her dress.

MADAME ARCATI: Well, that's that.

RUTH: Are you all right?

MADAME ARCATI: Certainly I am. I never felt better in my life.

CHARLES: Would you like some more brandy?

MADAME ARCATI: So that's the funny taste in my mouth. Well really! Fancy allowing them to give me brandy, Doctor Bradman, You ought to have known better… Brandy on top of a trance could be catastrophic. Take it away, please. I probably Shan't sleep a wink tonight as it is.

CHARLES: The whole experience has unhinged me.

MADAME ARCATI: Well, what happened? Was it satisfactory?

RUTH: Nothing much happened, Madame Arcati, after you went off.

MADAME ARCATI: Something happened all right, I can feel it… no poltergeist, at any rate… that's a good thing. Any apparitions?

DR. BRADMAN:: Not a thing.

MADAME ARCATI: No ectoplasm?

RUTH: I'm not quite sure what it is, but I don't think so.

MADAME ARCATI: Very curious. I feel as though something tremendous has taken place.

CHARLES: It was only a joke.

MADAME ARCATI: A very poor one, if I may say so. Nevertheless, I am prepared to swear that there is someone else psychic in this room apart from myself.

RUTH: I don't see how there can be really, Madame Arcati.

MADAME ARCATI: I do hope I haven't gone and released something. However, we are bound to find out within a day or two. If any manifestation should occur or you hear any unexpected noises, you might let me know at once.

RUTH: Of course we will. We'll telephone immediately.

MADAME ARCATI: I think I really must be on my way now.

RUTH: Wouldn't you like anything before you go?

MADAME ARCATI: No, Thank you. I have some Ovaltine all ready in a saucepan at home; it only needs hotting up.

MRS. BRADMAN: I honestly think you should, Madame Arcati. After that trance and everything you can't be feeling quite yourself.

MADAME ARCATI: Nonsense, my dear, I'm as fit as a fiddle. Always feel capital after a trance… rejuvenates me. Good night Mrs. Condomine.

RUTH: It was awfully sweet of you to take so much trouble.

MADAME ARCATI: I'm so sorry so little occured. It's that cold of Daphne's, I expect. You know what children are like when they have anything wrong with them. we must try again some other evening.

RUTH: That would be lovely.

MADAME ARCATI: Good night, Mrs. Bradman.

MRS. BRADMAN: It was thrilling, it really was. I felt the table absolutely shaking under my hands.

MADAME ARCATI: Good night, Doctor.

DR. BRADMAN:: Congratulations, Madam Arcati.

MADAME ARCATI: I am fully aware of the irony in your voice, Doctor Bradman. As a matter of fact you'd be an admirable subject for telepathic hypnosis. A great chum of mine is an expert. I would like her to look you over.