A Christmas Chaos

im such a fat fucking chud

Flynn: Ladies and gentlemen-

(as if youre talking to lil kids) Boys and girls-

(after london sings) Flynn: He meant the Charles Dickens story.

You know, (in dumb irish accent) Scrooge, (in southern) Bob Cratchit… (pause as if youre trying to think of more chars.) and such.

Flynn: Using only a few chairs, some borrowed costumes, and your imagination

In only ten minutes.

London: Please, sit back, relax, and enjoy our version of…

A Christmas Carol! (all together)

Flynn: Places everyone.

Change into costume and set up the office

Ellington: Ahem. Right. Marley was dead to begin with. Dead as a doornail even.

Can I, sir?

Flynn: No! Bah, humbug! (ellora looks terrified)

(whisper, do accent) Come on, Ellora, you can do it

Flynn: Don’t be nervous.

Yeah! Just imagine aalllll those people in the audience are… in their underwear!

Ellora: But you don’t keep it. Christmas time is a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time. Etc. etc., blah blah blah, fred does a long speech he’s all smiles and warmth. he invs scrooge to dinner. Um, Christmas has done me good and will do me good; and I say god bless it!

(loud) God bless Christmas! (slide on knees)

London: It is more than desirable that we make some slight provision for the poor and… (starts fumbling)

Destitute.

(flynn kicks out london) Flynn: Bah humbug! (Under his breath.) We’ve gotta find something else for me to say.

(bring flynn his hat) Would it be quite convenient, sir if I-

Flynn: No! Bah, humbug!

(to audience) It does get old, doesn’t it?

Flynn: Oh, I suppose you can have the entire day tomorrow. But be here all the earlier next morning.

(grab his hand) Thank you sir! And merry Christmas sir!

Flynn: Bah!

(same time) HUMBUG!

Flynn sits on the bed

DONG DONG DONG BELL NOISES

Shriya: Expect the first tomorrow when the bell tolls one.

DONG DONG DONG BELL NOISES

(Shriya dips, London comes on stage) London: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. LOooooook!

(offstage) I am not doing this!

Shriya: Yes you are!

Please no!

Shriya: Do it! (both enter)

(visibly scowl, start w/ ur own voice but transition to girl voice) I release you from this engagement Ebenezer. You may have pain in this (through grittted teeth and STOMP), a very brief pain (STOMP AGAIN), but you will… dismiss the recollection of it as an unprofitable dream! (shriya grabs you) May you be happy in the life you have chosen! (run away)

(london pulls up, this time as ghost of christmas present) London: Present and accounted for! Touch my robe. (brings Flynn off stage)

(come on stage)
as mrs: And how did little Tim behave today in church?

as mr: As good as gold, and better.

(while tiny tim does some yapping, try to pick her up, fail and pat her on the head)

London: …the child will die.

Flynn: What a pity.

as mr: Now, a toast to Mr. Scrooge! (fake raising a glass)

as mrs: Oohh noo!

as mr: The founder of the feast!

as mrs: Founder of the feast indeed!

as mr: My dear, the children, Christmas day. (ask hauke how to do this)

as mrs: He’s odious, stingy, hard, unfeeling!

as mr: My dear!

as mrs: No Bob!

Yes dear!

No dear!

Yes!

No!

Yes!

No!

Yes!

No!

(while doing this, mess up a lot, mess up accents, outfits, characers, and end with you breathing really heavily)

Ellington: Daddy, mommy! (shakes you)

(relieved) Thanks, son! (raise glass) Long life to Mister Scrooge! (laugh largely)

(london dies) Hark the time! Hark the time!

DONG DONG DONG BELL SOUNDS

ghost of future and flynn come on, bicker
Flynn: Just nod and point!

Ellora: Right. Nod and point.

come out on stage in jew costume

London: When did Mr. Scroo- when did he die?

Eben- (cut yourself off) …he died last night, I believe.

London: I don’t mind going to the funeral of… Mr. X, if a lunch is provided

Laugh hugely, break into coughing fits, GET OFF STAGE AND CROSS

flynn and ellora bicker more, then future calls u in again

Ellora: Just nod and point.

Enter but have the MR COSTUME on

Ellington: It’s alright, mother.

(quickly realize ur in wrong costume and put on the MRS)
Who the heck are you?

Ellington: Your son, Peter!

Oh. Oh Yeah. (bawl and cry) I HAVE KNOWN YOUR FATHER TO WALK WITH TINY TIM UPON HIS SHOULDER VERY FAST INDEED

Ellington shakes you, calm down, stop crying

(run out, quickly put MR costume back on)

Hello my dears.

Hello, Bob.

I wish you could have gone with me to the graveyard.

How was it?
It’s ever so green.

(start crying again) OH MY CHILD, MY LITTLE CHILD

Ellington: Here we go again…

(very sincerely)

My dears, I am sure that none of us shall forget poor Tiny Tim, shall we?

Ellington: Never, Father.

And when we recollect how patient and mild he was, we shall not quarrel easily among ourselves, and forget poor Tiny Tim in doing it.

Flynn starts sobbing

go comfort him

Flynn: That part gets me every time. I’m alright now. Thank you.

No sweat, dude. You’re the best. (look at audience and run off stage)

flynn realizes the error of his ways, hosts christmas party

+7k

Ellington: That evening’s party was full of wonderful happiness. The next day, Scrooge arose early to be at the office first, to catch Bob Cratchit coming in late.

come out with the mrs outfit

Ellington: NATHAN

be oblvivious, wave him off w/o looking

Flynn: Cratchit, what do you- (realizses ur costume mistake)

What? (be oblivious until Ellingotn rushes out, pulls the apron back over you)

Flynn: MISTER Cratchit, what do you mean by coming here at this time of day?

It’s only once a year sir (stammer) it shall not be repeated! I was making rather merry yesterday sir (hiccough)

Flynn: Indeed! My friend, I am not going to stand this sort of thing any longer. And therefore…. therefore…I am about to raise your salary!

(shock) Mr. Scrooge, are you quite yourself sir?

Flynn: No, thank heaven I am not. Merry Christmas Bob! (hugs u, start acting like ur choking) I’ll raise your salary and endeavor to assist your struggling family, and get you the best doctors to help your Tiny Tim. (releases u)

(gasp for air, asphyxiated) Thank you ever so much sir! (pantomime an inhaler and then freeze)

everyone comes on to end off the show

Shriya: To Tiny Tim, who did not die, he was a second father.

He became as good a man as the good old city knew.

Flynn: And so as Tiny Tim observed…

God bless us, everyone! (bow)