Fiona Lines

Ahh, I know it’s sad, very sad, but ogres are used to that—the hardships, the indignities, the endless stream of miser—

Oh hello! Sorry I’m late! Welcome to Fiona: The Musical! Yay, let’s talk about me.

Yay, let’s talk about me.

“Once upon a time, there was a little princess named Fiona, who lived in a kingdom Far Far Away. One fateful day, her parents told her that it was time for her to be locked away in a desolate tower, guarded by a fire-breathing dragon—as so many princesses had for hundreds of years before.

AND SOMEDAY YOUR PRINCE WILL COME.

Isn’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? A poor little princess hidden away from the world, high in a tower, awaiting her one true lo—

Are you Princess Fiona?

I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

Ah, that’s nice. Now let’s go.

But wait, Sir Knight! I have long awaited this day! And I would’st first like to knowest the name of my champion.

Um… Shrek.

Sir, Shrek… I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

Thanks. So where’s the door?

There is no door.

What do you mean there’s no door? How do we get down?

Why, the same way you got up?

Alright then, let’s go.

Now holdest on, Sir Knight. Don’t you want to savour this moment? It be-eth our first meeting. It must be a wonderful and romantic scene.

IT WOULD BE TODAY!

You did it! You-did-it-you-did-it-you-did-it. You’re amazing, you’re wonderful, you’re… a little unorthodox I’ll admit but—thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

Ahem.

And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed

She thinks I’m a steed.

Well, Sir Shrek, the battle is won. You may remove your helmet.

Ahhh… no.

Why not?

I… I have helmet hair.

Please, I wouldest look upon the face of my rescuer.

Oh no, you wouldn’t… tst.

But—how will you kiss me?

Maybe it’s a perk.

No—it’s destiny. “A princess is rescued by a brave knight and then they share true love’s first kiss.”

You think that Shrek is your true love?

What is so funny?

Well, let’s just say I’m not your type, okay?

Of course you are. You’re my rescuer! Now remove your helmet.

Look, I really don’t think that’s a good idea.

Just take off the helmet.

I’m not going to.

Take it off!

No!

NOW!

Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness…

You’re… an ogre?

Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?

Well… yes actually. Oh no. I’m supposed to be rescued by my true love! Not by some ogre and his… pet.

Well so much for noble steed.

You’re not supposed to be an ogre.

He’s the one who wants to marry you.

Oh. Then why didn’t he come rescue me?

You should ask him that when we get there tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Oh my gosh, it’s almost sunset!

So?

I didn’t realise it was so late. We need to make camp.

Camp? But you’ve just escaped!

Yes, and I found the whole ordeal quite exhausting. I need to rest immediately.

That’s unfortunate, because we’re gonna keep going.

I NEED TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO CAMP RIGHT NOW!

That’s no place for a princess.

No, no it’s perfect. Well gentlemen, I bid thee good night!

You want me to read you a bedtime story? Cause I will.

I said GOOD NIGHT!

She seems nice

“By day one way, by night another—this shall be the norm, until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form.”

THIS MORNING I’M OKAY!

Oh, why good morning, men.

Uhh, princess, did you by any chance eat a few of those funny little mushrooms by the stream?

Of course not. I’m just happy that it’s a new day, full of promise and fresh starts! And the first thing I’d like to do is apologise for my behaviour yesterday. We obviously got off on the wrong foot.

You would?

Yes, you did rescue me after all. So I’ve gathered a basket of berries for the trip, and I made you each a daisy chain!

Uhhh… ihhhh…

You’ll grow to love ‘em, I promise. Lead the way!

So, Princess, do you often frolic with rats?

And what if I do?

Princess—germ-infested vermin—not exactly what I expected

Well maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them.

Hmm!

So tell me about my groom-to-be. Lord Farquaad. What’s he like?

men of Farquaad’s stature are in short supply.

Really?

Oh yeah, but he is a little intimidating.

Well he must be!

And yet very good at small talk.

What are you guys doing?

Yeah, like three feet or so.

Alright, yuck it up. Doesn’t bother me. Not today. After a lifetime of misery, things are finally going my way.

Oh, a lifetime of misery, right. Okay.

You chuckled.

Hm?

When I said lifetime of misery. You chuckled.

Did I?

Yes.

Look, I’m sure it was very difficult living in a dragon-guarded tower.

It was.

I’m sure.

Alright then.

Which is more than I had when I left home.

You’re not actually comparing yourself to what I endured?

I’m just saying you don’t corner the market on unhappy childhoods.

There are things you don’t know, ya know. About me. About how rough I had it!

What, ya run out of shampoo a couple times?

I mean about my life!

In that cushy tower of yours?

Cushy! Are you kidding?

Oops. You okay?

Yeah I’m fine.

We’re here.

What?

Oh wouldja look at that.

What is it?

It’s… it’s Duloc.

Oh. Duloc. I didn’t realise we were so close.

Your future awaits.

Yes, it does.

Ah well, so much for that batch of S’nothers I was gonna make us.

S’nothers?

We need to get the princess to Duloc.

No, wait, Shrek… I, um… Well, look, I may not get another chance to try one of those S’nothers…

Zip it Donkey.

I was just thinking… maybe Duloc could wait until morning?

Morning?

Why not? I’ve spent my whole life without true love. What’s one more night?

Alright, I’ll find us some dinner.

I’ll get the firewood.

YEAH!

Mm. Mm. These S’nothers are so good.

Didn’t I tell ya?

They’re delicious.

And a little nutty, right?

Mm-hmm. I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

You name it.

Hmm. I’d like that.

Here we go.

Yes… Shrek?

The fireflies, that beautiful sunset…

Sunset?! Oh my gosh! Sunset! Oh no!! I mean… it’s late. It’s very late.

You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t you?

Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know, I’d better go inside.

I’m still afraid of the dark!

I’m sorry, but I have to go.

Oh. Alright.

Good night.

What’d you do with the Princess?!

Donkey, I am the Princess. It’s me. In this body.

I’ll get you out of there!

Donkey!

What happened to you?

“By day one way, by night another—this shall be the norm, until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form.”

I didn’t know you write poetry.

It’s a curse. I’ve had it since I was a girl.

A curse?

A witch cast a spell on me. So now every night, when the sun goes down I become this… this horrible ugly beast!

Wait a second, this is perfect!

Perfect?! Donkey, if Lord Farquaad finds out I look like this, he’ll never marry me!

So?

So, I have to kiss my true love! The kiss is the only thing that will break the spell and make me beautiful.

you’ve got a lot in common.

Shrek?

Yeah, if he knew all this, I think mayeb—

No he can’t know! And you can’t tell him! Not a word! No one must ever know! Promise you won’t tell. Promise!

SHE’LL UNDERSTAND.

I can’t think about Shrek. Not now. I’m a princess after all, and look at me! I mean really… who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don’t go together. That’s why I can’t stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my one true love.

THIS MORNING…

Shrek!… Thank goodness! There’s something I have to tell you…

I heard enough last night.

Oh. You… you heard what I said?

Especially “who could love such a hideous ugly beast”

But… I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.

I am Lord Farquaad.

Lord Farquaad. Forgive me, for I was just saying a short… farewell.

It’s not like it has feelings.

No, you’re right, it doesn’t.

Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

Lord Farquaad… I accept. Nothing would make me—

for tomorrow we wed!

No! I mean, ah, why wait? Let’s get married today. Before sunset.

What I miss?

Fare thee well, ogre.

so too does the joy of this blessed—

Um… excuse me… ah… could we just skip to the “I dos”?

And do you Princess Fio—

I do.

Stop the wedding!

Shrek…?

But you can’t marry him!

And why not?

He’s not your true love.

What do you know about true love?

Guards, take this abomination out of my sight!

No! Uhh… I mean… let’s hear what the… monster had to say. It might be worth a laugh.

Are we ready, darling?

I can’t.

Bring in the lanterns!

Stop the wedding!

Fiona?

I wanted to show you before.

I love you baby!

You were saying?

I’m your true love Fiona?

Yeah I know, and I'm yours.