Chapter 8: Communicating in Intimate Relationships

What makes some relationships intimate?

Intimate relationships require deep commitment, foster interdependence, require continuous investment, and spark dialectical tensions.

How do we form, maintain, and dissolve romantic relationships?

Forming romantic relationships involves initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding. We maintain our relationships by the way we handle conflict, privacy, emotional communication, and instrumental communication.

Ending romantic relationships involves differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating.

What makes a family, and how do we communicate in families?

Family relationships typically involve some combination of genetic ties, legal obligations, and role behaviors. We use family roles, rituals, stories, and secrets to maintain communication in our familial relationships.

Intimacy:

Significant emotional closeness experienced in a relationship, whether romantic or not.

Commitment:

The desire to stay in a relationship no matter what happens.

Interdependence:

The state in which what happens to one person affects everyone else in the relationship.

Investment:

The commitment of one’s energies and resources to a relationship.

Dialectical tensions:

Conflicts between two important but opposing relational needs or desires.

Monogamy:

The state of being in only one romantic relationship at a time and avoiding romantic or sexual involvement with others outside that relationship.

Infidelity:

Romantic or sexual interaction with someone outside one’s romantic relationship.

Polygamy:

The state of having two or more spouses at once.

Polyamory:

Having more than one consensual romantic or sexual relationship at once.

Initiating stage:

The stage of relationship development at which people meet and interact for the first time.

Experimenting stage:

The stage of relationship development at which people converse to learn more about each other.

Intensifying stage:

The stage of relationship development at which people move from being acquaintances to being close friends.

Integrating stage:

The stage of relationship development at which a deep commitment has formed, and the partners share a strong sense that the relationship has its own identity.

Bonding stage:

The stage of relationship development at which partners make a public announcement of their commitment to each other.

Catfishing:

Using false information, including stolen or edited photos, to create a fake online persona.

Conflict:

An expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.

Communication privacy management theory:

A theory explaining how people in relationships negotiate the tension between disclosing information and keeping it private.

Instrumental communication:

Communication about day-to-day topics and tasks.

Differentiating stage:

The stage of relationship dissolution at which partners begin to view their differences as undesirable or annoying.

Circumscribing stage:

The stage of relationship dissolution at which partners begin to decrease the quality and quantity of their communication with each other.

Stagnating stage:

The stage of relationship dissolution at which the relationship stops growing and the partners feel as if they are just “going through the motions.”

Avoiding stage:

The stage of relationship dissolution at which partners create physical and emotional distance from each other.

Ghosting:

Suddenly and unexpectedly stopping all contact with someone on social media.

Orbiting:

Continuing to interact with someone on social media after having ghosted that person.

Terminating stage:

The stage of relationship dissolution at which the relationship is officially deemed to be over.

Divorce:

The legal discontinuation of a marriage.

Role:

A pattern of behavior that defines a person’s function within a group, such as a family.

Family of origin:

The family in which one grows up, usually consisting of parents and siblings.

Family of procreation:

The family one starts as an adult, usually consisting of a spouse or romantic partner and children.

Family rituals:

Repetitive activities that have special meaning for a family.

Confirming messages:

Behaviors that convey how much another person is valued.

Disconfirming messages:

Behaviors that imply a lack of respect or value for others.

Criticism:

Words that pass judgment on someone or something.

Contempt:

Hostile behavior in which people show a lack of respect for each other.

Defensiveness:

Seeing oneself as a victim and denying responsibility for one’s behaviors.

Stonewalling:

Responding to another person’s words with silence and lack of expression.

Relational repair:

Efforts to fix problems in a relationship so that the relationship can continue.

Relational transgression:

A behavior that violates an important expectation in a relationship.

Investment model of commitment processes:

A theoretic model proposing that relationship commitment is a function of satisfaction, resources (or investments), and the perceived quality of relational alternatives.

Forgiveness:

The process by which a wronged person stops feeling angry or resentful about an offense.

Denial:

A strategy for managing dialectical tensions that entails responding to only one side of a tension and ignoring the other side.

Disorientation:

A strategy for managing dialectical tensions that entails ending the relationship in which the tension exists.

Alternation:

A strategy for managing dialectical tensions that entails going back and forth between the two sides of a tension.

Segmentation:

A strategy for managing dialectical tensions that entails dealing with one side of a tension in some aspects of a relationship and with the other side of the tension in other aspects of the relationship.

Balance:

A strategy for managing dialectical tensions that entails trying to compromise, or find a middle ground, between the two opposing forces of a tension.

Integration:

A strategy for managing dialectical tensions that entails developing behaviors that will satisfy both sides of a tension simultaneously.

Recalibration:

A strategy for managing dialectical tensions that entails reframing a tension so the contradiction between opposing needs disappears.

Reaffirmation:

A strategy for managing dialectical tensions that entails embracing dialectical tensions as a normal part of life.