Secure Love

To love our relationship correctly

who shares the basic relationship requirements for having a felt sense of closeness and safety w/ our loved ones?

Everyone

2 reasons why relationships are difficult even though we all share the same relationship requirements?

Most people never learn to:

1. recognize how their needs feel on the bodily level they occur

2. label their needs

its difficult to be responsive to the needs of your partner if they…?

can’t tell you what they need with accuracy and authenticity

phrase that explains attachment needs?

“to feel close to you, i need…”

3 things you feel when your attachment needs are unmet?

1. body tenses up

2. breath quickens

3. heart rate increase

2 things you feel when your attachment needs are met?

1. warm

2. soothed

all relationship behaviors are…?

attempts to maintain, gain, or regain closeness and security w our loved ones

What is needed in order for a relationship to be close, fulfilling, and harmonious?

each partner needs a felt sense of their attachment needs being met

What must we learn to do with our felt senses? Example?

1. recognize the feeling and name it

2. you don’t just know you’re hungry, you feel hungry too

dysfunctional relationship behavior?

misguided attempts to get attachment needs met

What underlies every fight, argument, silent treatment, passive-aggressive comment, and attack in a relationship?

Unmet attachment needs

1. People that grew up with a securely attached relationship gravitate towards?

2. People that grew up with insecurely attached relationships gravitate towards?

1. other securely attached people

2. other insecurely attached people

What is the actual problem when we argue about money, parenting, sex, chores, etc.?

how we are communicating

2 situations that bring couples to EFT?

1. Fighting

2. Coexisting

Why do couples fight or coexist?

one addresses conflict with escalation. the other addresses conflict by disengaging. 

what are the results of escalation and/or disengaging?

what is coexisting?

chronic state of emotional disconnect, usually punctuated by periods of higher tension

Couples that escalate/fight or disengage/coexist often mistake their conflict for what?

incompatibility 

When couples repeatedly fight or disengage when a topic is brought up, what is the conflict actually about?

an insecure attachment

what is attachment?

quality of our bond with the core figures in our lives

people who are attachment bonded depend on each other for what?

1. emotional support

5 things emotional support means in a practical sense?

knowing that your partner: “SUAVA”

1. sees you

2. understands you

3. appreciates you

4. values you

5. is available when you need support

a person’s 2 most powerful attachment bonds? why?

1. parents and romantic partners

2. we depend on them the most in a lifetime

in romantic relationships, attachment bonds are?

reciprocal

when are romantic attachment bonds strongest?

when each party’s attachment needs are being met

4 generic criteria to say romantic partners are meeting each other’s attachment needs

1. they can reach and respond to each other’s emotional bids for connection and comfort

2. they can navigate and resolve conflict with emotional safety

3. they give and receive love

4. when things get hard, they fight fair

when arguments escalate to fighting or disengaging:

1.what are the couples actually battling?

2. what 2 things are the couples expressing? 

3. What “code” are they using to talk about the things they can’t articulate?

4. what are they using code to express

1. an insecure attachment

2. how much they need each other and how devastating it is to be lost, disconnected, and alone

3. keys, bills, parenting, etc… every day stuff

4. unmet attachment needs and/or fears

difference between attachment bonds in romantic relationships vs. parent-child relationships?

romantic = reciprocal

parent-child = parents are responsible for the child but not the other way around

1. when are protective stances implemented?

2. what is the purpose of putting up “protective stances”?

3. 3 examples of “protective stances”?

1. when couples are battling insecure attachment

2. to stave off vulnerability and pain at all costs

3. loud protests, shutting down, walking away

what happens when the attachment bond between couples is damaged without repair and they just “move on”?

the same conflict will resurface in the same pattern indefinitely

unresolved conflicts are doomed to repeat until partners…?

learn how to stay connected during conflict

1. what is an attachment rupture?

2. what is the felt experience of an attachment rupture?

1. damage to attachment bond

2. tightening, maybe in chest or throat, feeling caught off guard

when are insecure attachments reinforced?

when enough unrepaired attachment ruptures occur that the overall attachment environment is unsupportive

why is secure attachment especially important when life is throwing curveballs?

connection and support derived from securely attached relationships help people feel more confident, competent, and resilient

difference between surviving/thriving vs failed failed couples?

surviving/thriving couples know how to avoid negative communication cycles

relationship satisfaction is intrinsically linked to

secure attachment

felt experience of secure attachment?

warm, ease of tension, lightening of the shoulders

securely attached partners are reliable sources of 3 things?

1. intimacy

2. support

3. comfort

4 things securely attached partners are during conflict

“CLAMS” (CLMS)

1. confident they’ll get through the conflict without harming their bond

2. less reactive and hostile

3. maintain positive image of their partner even when distressed

4. show warmth and affection

securely attached couples experience less conflict because?

less likely to experience missteps as rejection

what is vulnerability? 3 parts:

1. the opposite of protective communication

2. saying what you can when you can

3. take risks to show up in your relationship in a new way without criticism or defensiveness even when its initially uncomfortable

2 approaches real relationship change occurs? goals of both? which is best?

1. top down: changing behavior in order to improve overall climate of the relationship

2. bottom up: work on attachment gunk underlying the behaviors to remove their source

3. you need both methods

during conflict, “where” is secure attachment

the middle ground between fighting and disengagement 

what is the goal of disengaging during an argument? what are the 2 costs of disengaging during an argument? 3 things partner feels when you disengage? How do you feel when you disengage?

1. protect the relationship from damage inflicted from: yelling, criticism, name calling, uncontrolled expressions of emotion, shaming, angry rants

2. resolution and connection

3. partner feels (A Big ‘Un) abandoned, ignored, unheard

4. you feel horrible and unfulfilled

3 things complementing deeper work with behavioral work helps both partners do? 

1. UNDERSTAND why their partner goes into protective stances

2. EMPATHIZE with those stances

3. HEAL the underlying causes that spurred the argument in the first place

changing behavior is more about ___ than ___

1. damage conrol

2. creating fulfilling relationships

why are damage control behaviors, like disengaging during an escalating argument, important?

creates the space to do the deeper work

1. behavior work…?

2. attachment work…?

3.bonds…?

1. prevents damage

2. builds bonds

3. build resilience

for change to be lasting and the work to be thorough, we need to?

do the deeper work not just the behavioral work

3 things that must be reframed through an attachment lens?

1. ourselves

2. partners

3. relationship

2 parts of the reframe?

1. your negative communication cycle is the enemy, not your partner

2. you do not need to protect yourself from your partner

what is meant by “negative communication cycle is the enemy”?

destructive words and behaviors are the enemy

2 things people most want from their relationships

1. to feel loveable for who we are on the inside

2. 2. to feel worthy for what we do on the outside

why do people most want to feel loveable and worthy?

It makes us feel safe from rejection and abandonment

2 things all relationship behaviors stem from?

1. the need to feel loveable for who we are on the inside and worhty for what we do on the outside

2. the fear of the pain that arises from not feeling loveable and worthy

what is the antithesis to connection? why?

1. hiding

the ability to intimately connect with others relies upon what? why?

1. feeling loveable and worthy

2. people who don’t feel worthy and loveable have to hide to feel safe from rejection and abandonment.

3. Hiding is the antithesis to connection

the workable parts of the need to feel loveable and worthy are?

attachment needs

the building blocks of secure attachment are?

attachment needs

3 ways the level of closeness between you and your partner is earned?

1. the way you think and feel about each other

2. the way you speak to each other

3. the ways you behave w/ each other

from couple to couple, attachment needs are?

consistent

13 attachment needs

“Too feel close to you, i need to know…” CRAFT VAST WRRM:

1. there’s a Clear path to pleasing you

2. you Respect me

3. you Appreciate me and my efforts

4. my Feelings are valid to you

5. you Trust my love and loyalty

6. you Value me and our relationship

7. you Admire me

8. you think i am a Successful partner

9. i can Trust your love and loyalty

10. you are Willing to see and understand me

11. you will Respond when i reach for you in times of need

12. you will Reach for me for support in times of need

13. my needs Matter to you

some people may be more sensitive to one attachment need because of

upbringing or past relationships

why do unmet attachment needs matter? unmet attachment needs cause? how do unmet attachment needs manifest in your body? what do unmet attachment needs make you want to do?

1. because they make us feel bad

2. emotional pain

3. increase heart rate, tightness, deflated feeling, etc.

4. yell, call names, run, distract, cry

what is the healthy alternative to acting out, saying things that push your partner away and make it less likely your attachment needs will be met ?

understanding your needs and communicating them to your partner

consequence of acting out and saying things that push your partner away?

your attachment needs are less likely to be met

attachment ruptures vs insecure attachments?

weather v. climate, one off events vs near constant state of unmet needs

attachment fears are?

the fears your attachment needs will go unmet

2 things to feel safe in relationships

1. have your attachment needs met

2. feel confident they will continue to be met in the future

biological role of attachment fears?

motivate us to repair our attachment bonds

in what relationships are attachment needs highest? why?

1. romantic relationships

2. emotional stakes are the highest

what two things must you learn to recognize and name

1. attachment needs and the feelings of them being met and unmet (emotional distress)

if you can’t recognize and name your emotional distress, what 3 things happen?

1. you experience shapeless pain

2. cannot self regulate/ask for help

3. continue to suffer

4 C’s of attachment

1. 4 categories for attachment issues

2. comfort

3. connection

4. cooperation

5. conflict

research shows a couple’s ability to comfort each other when discussing personal problems unrelated to their relationship predicts?

less negative emotion during conflict about the relationship

how can couples help future conflict be handled in a healthy way?

increase the quality of emotional comfort outside of conflict

what is comfort? what is most important when comforting

1. being supportive when your partner is experiencing physical or emotional pain

2. permitting their pain takes precedent over the feelings/thoughts you have in reaction to them explaining their pain

3 ways to connect with your partner?

SHP “SHIP”:

1. sharing your vulnerability around the events in your life

2. having fun together

3. physical touch: sexual and affectionate

joy is?

bonding

what is connection (3 parts)?

How you… “MLS”:

1. Make decisions together

2. Live as a Team

3. Support each other daily

3 questions underlying most conflict that comes up about cooperation?

NOW:

1. Needs matter to you?

2. Opinions valid to you, even if you don’t agree? vice versa

3. Willing to compromise some of your wants and preferences for the good of the relationship? vice versa

when partners have a hard time comforting each other…?

they each end up alone with their problems

attachment styles determine?

how partners manage their wants, needs, and fears in the different areas- the 4 c’s- of their relationship

an individual attachment style is informed by?

how you connected with your parent/caregiver as a kid

why do avoidants struggle to understand and respond to your partner’s emotions and attachment needs?

they are disconnected from their own

what is the underlying reason for the protective stances of avoidants and anxiously attached people?

1. avoidants primary attachment fear is painful feelings of failure or rejection

2. avoidants primary attachment fear is painful feelings of emotional or physical abandonment

why is it hard for anxiously attached people to take in when them and their partners do connect?

it is so hard to trust it will last

anxiously attached individuals might struggle to see how their relationship behaviors?

contribute to problems

anxious attachment is a result of? they ask themselves?

1. getting enough responsiveness to know what it feels like, but not enough to trust it will be there for them in the future or when they need it

2. are you going to be there for me next time?

how are anxiously attached people ambivalent about others? their partners? their feelings?

1. need others to define whether they are good or bad, lovable or unlovable, but then feel angry at others for (what they perceive as) having so much power

2. deeply crave their partner’s love and attention while also being sad and bitter about their partner’s inability to meet their attachment needs

3. they don’t trust their own feelings are valid or acceptable, but they’re still driven to express them

3 ways anxiously attached kids often get their needs met? why?

1. act big and noticeable / act out to have your feelings responded to

2. test their parents’ availability to ensure theyd be there in the future

3. become a people pleaser in their quest for reassurance

anxiously attached people pleasers draw their value and sense of safety from?

keeping those around you happy

3 things anxiously attached children feel about their parents?

1. crave their love and want to seek it out

2. resent them for all the times they felt dropped

3. want their hurt to be known and validated

whats the hardest part of working with avoidants? anxious?

1. getting avoidants in the door

2. getting anxious to see their part of the problem

why are anxiously attached people '“others-focused'“?

Their attachment patterns have been of being let down by others

how is axiously attached person’s search for love out of balance?

self-focused hunger for love at the expense of an authentic desire to be a sensitive and responsive parther

what is meant by “anxiously attached people are other-focused”

1. too much of their sense of self is put into the hands of others- their partner

2. they give their partner’s expierence and behavior significant control over their experience the nthe world

2 ways anxiously attached people add to their own anxiety? how?

1. their security is largely reliant on the words and behaviors of their partner, which creates anxiety because nobody controls their partners

2. Thinking otherwise is giving away one’s sense of power, and powerlessness creates anxiety

childhood attachment experiences didn’t provide anxiously attached children with the space needed to develop a?

healthy interdependent sense of self