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Family Roles
Recurrent patterns of behavior by which individuals fulfill family functions
everyone contributes to the function of the group via this
Family Rituals
Repetitive behaviors that have special meaning for a group or relationship
help create connections
Family Stories
Are told many times and become part of the family’s collective knowledge.
Give families a sense of history, set up expectations, reinforce values, reinforce connections across generations
Family Secrets
Protect private family information from outsiders.
Can reinforce the family’s identity and exclusivity. Can be kept within families as well, which can often be stressful and divisive to families.
What are the common characteristics of friendships?
Are usually peers
Usually have rules
Differ by sex- men and women value different aspects (women focus on conversational and emotional expressiveness men focus on shared activities and interests)
Have a lifespan- grow to dislike each other or life circumstances can change
What are the challenges associated with cross-sex friendships?
Emotional Bond Challenge
Sexual Challenge
Public Presentation Challenge
Emotional Bond Challege
Men and women have been socialized to see one another as potential romantic partners rather than platonic friends, leads to the uncertainty as to whether one of the friends has romantic feelings toward the other
Sexual Challenge
Involves coping with the potential sexual attraction that can occur, the ‘sex thing.’ Men, more than women, tend to see their cross-sex friends as potential sex partners
Public Presentation Challenge
Outsiders wondering if there is something going on between ‘the two of you.’ This is true for same-sex friendships with different sexual orientations, can also be true with same-sex friendships are assumed to be a gay couple
Hamilton celebrating passing of same-sex marriage with friend and everyone thinking they’re together
Friends With Benefits
Platonic friends who decide to have sex while remaining ‘just’ friends
What are the challenges (and solutions) to “friends with benefits”?
Challenges: Feelings get complicated
Solutions: Establish rules
What are Knapp’s five stages of coming together and what characterizes the communication at each stage?
Initiating: Greeting and indicating there is an opening for communication
Experimenting: Safe topics, small talk, superficial breadth more than depth
Intensifying: Marked by an increase in deeper, personal disclosures; things feel emotionally compelling- the falling in love phase, usually when people start having sex
Integrating: Things have settled down a bit and so things are less intense, coupling, pet names, coordinated activities, have developed a way of being together- we instead of two people together
Bonding: Public expression of lifelong commitment- marriage
What are the precursors of attraction?
Micro-Environmental: Specific situations within the larger situation
Social Network: People setting you up
Proximity: Seeing the person regularly
What are the predictors of attraction?
Physical attractiveness and rewarding communication
People perceive others as more physically attractive if they have warm positive interactions with them
Relationships and interaction can lead to people revising their initial impressions of people
Other than being physically attracted to someone, what also is a predictor of attraction?
Hard-To-Get Phenomenon
Chemistry between people
Similarity
What is the matching hypothesis? How does it compare with research on physical attraction?
Instead of trying to ‘get’ the most attractive person ‘out there,’ people are often attracted to people who have roughly the same level of overall physical attractiveness as themselves. Choosing a partner of similar attractiveness will minimize their chances for rejection by choosing someone who is attainable.
Ex. (Hamiltons boss) Reasonably happily married, husband goes to gym very seriously to completely transform body (becomes super hot i guess idk i dont like men), bothered her because he looked really good and she looked the same as when they got married- got a divorce
Inconsistent with research that suggests we want the most physically attractive person as possible
What is self-disclosure?
The action of intentionally giving others information about ourselves, that we believe to be true, and think that the receiver does not already know- helps move us through the stages of coming together
What is the “dialectical perspective” regarding self-disclosure?
People have strong needs for both openness and secrecy, and so mutually managing when and what to disclose can be very challenging
What are the dimensions of self-disclosure?
Depth- how personal/ deep
Breath- how many topics people feel free to discuss
Frequency- how often self-disclosures occur
Valence- the positive or negative ‘charge’ of the self-disclosure
Duration- how long two people sped disclosing in a single conversation
Some research reveals that the duration of face-to-face interaction is more strongly related to closeness in friendships than the frequency of interaction
Close intimate friends do not need to have frequent contact to stay close as long as they periodically have in-depth conversations
What are the attributes of self-disclosure?
Intentional and truthful
Varies in depth and breadth
Varies among relationships
Gradual process
Usually reciprocated
Can serve many purposes
Influenced by cultural and gender roles
What are the benefits of self-disclosure?
Enhancement of relationships and trust
Reciprocity- a good way to get to know each other
Emotional Release- sharing oneself with another can help to reduce internal stress and can improve both mental and physical health
Helping Others- We can provide support to others when they reveal challenges and show that they’re not alone
What are the risks of self-disclosure?
Rejection- Sometimes people will not like what we tell them, this is considered an ‘unrewarding’ self-disclosure and people may reject those who reveal information they do not like
Hamilton dating someone who she really likes but doesnt know very well, he tells story (in a proud way) of going to reunion and wanting to hook up with someone, timing didnt work, both flew somewhere to hook up, woman didnt look same “didnt seem to be the same woman that she was at the reunion,” tells excited woman he needs coffee and leaves and doesnt come back
Change of obligating others- as there is pressure to reciprocate, the receiver of self-disclosure may not want to self-disclose and may lead to the person avoiding the discloser
Hurt to others- uncensored honesty can lead to feeling wounded or resentful
Violation of another privacy- the sharing of an individuals personal information with a third party without the individuals consent
Anita Hill’s friend tells press about Clarence Thomas sexually harassing her, Monica Lewinski same situation
What are the ways in which relationships are “intensified?”
Increasing contact
Direct definitional bid (do you want to be exclusive, will you marry me, etc)
Acceptance of definitional bid
Personal appearance
Behavioral adaptation
What are Lee’s love styes?
Physical Love- attracted to your body, romantic/ sexual aspects merged as one
Companionate Love- being very very close
Game Playing Love- “love the one you’re with”
Possessive Love- unhealthy ‘love’ people call love, usually abuse, feels like love but isn’t
Unselfish Love- unconditional
Practical Love- ‘resume approach,’ will this work, arranged marriages
What is Sternberg’s triangular theory of love? What were the primary types of love and the eight types of love, and what are the implications for each one?
Three primary types of love come together and form eight types of love
Primary
Commitment
Intimacy
Passion
Types of Love
Nonlove= no intimacy, no passion, no commitment
Liking= just intimacy
we like each other
Infatuation= just passion
feels like we’re in love, sexual type of feeling
Empty Love= just commitment
arranged marriage, unhappy marriage (staying with someone you don’t love anymore)
Romantic Love= intimacy+passion
emotionally close and sexual/ physical attraction
Companionate Love= intimacy+commitment
sort of just friendship, do pretty well because of emotional closeness
Fatuous Love= passion+commitment
fatuous meaning silly, not a good idea
student came in to talk to Hamilton, gf gave him ultimatum unless they got engaged they need to break up, he was super passionate about her but they had nothing to talk about, he didnt like talking to her
Consummate Love= intimacy+passion+commitment
What are the five love languages and what is the overview and sub-ideas of Chapman’s research?
Research conducted on children (see how they knew if their parents loved them) and adults (see how they knew if their partners loved them), both experienced love in the same 5 ways
Individuals vary in terms of which love languages matter to us most/ least, usually our favorite is the one we express most
Acts of Service
Touch
Gifts
Verbal Affirmations
Quality Time
What does attachment theory assert?
How being raised/ developing relates to how comfortable we are in expressing and receiving love from others
A developmental approach that views love as a process of becoming attached to someone, which includes forming a bond and become close with someone
Children first learn to develop attachments through dependence on their caregivers
What is an attachment style?
How we stand in relation to other people
What are Bartholomew’s four attachment styles? What are they based on? How do they vary?
Based on how children developed attachment through dependence on their caregivers
Secure Style
“I’m okay and you’re okay”- feel secure when we encounter people
Self-sufficient, comfortable with intimacy, wants interdependent relationships
Preoccupied Style
“I’m not okay, you’re okay”- clingy people, type of person who would stalk
Is overly involved and dependent, wants excessive intimacy, clings to relationships
Fearful Style
“I’m not okay, you’re not okay”
Wants approval from others, is fearful of intimacy, sees relationship as painful, fears rejection
Dismissive Style
“I’m okay, you’re not okay”- don’t need anybody, nto sure they want anybody (takes too much effort)
Is counter-dependent (doesn’t need anyone), is uncomfortable with intimacy, sees relationships as non-essential
What are the defining characteristics of intimacy?
Relational states and interactions that occur in close relationships, characterized by feelings of warmth, trust, and deep friendship
What are the outcomes of intimacy; why is intimacy important?
Happiness
Mental Health (improves)
Physical Health (improves)
Overcoming relational turbulence (can’t agree on everything all the time)
Self-Expansion (know we have a supportive foundation to grow from)
What are the nonverbal ways in which people express intimacy?
Visual Behaviors- increased eye contact, pupil dilation
Spatial or Proxemics Behaviors- sitting close, facing someone, accommodating height differences
Touch- primary way intimate feelings get expressed, types of touch and touch patterns vary in different kinds of relationships, play a significant role in all of them
Body Movement- smiling, inclusive gestures, nodding, open body positions, relaxation, body synchrony
Vocalic- warm and expressive vocal tones, tone of voice and use of sounds vary based on topics and context
Chronemic Behaviors- spending time with the person, planning for the future, devoting time to work on and maintain relationship
What are the verbal ways in which people express intimacy?
Self-Disclosure
Verbal Responsiveness- listen in an ‘alter centric’ manner, behavior of listener is as important as that of the discloser
Relationship Talk- direct communication about feelings regarding the relationship
Relational Language- inclusivity (use of ‘we’ ‘us’ ‘our’), personal idioms, inside jokes, nicknames, mild teases, love names, etc
What does “cognitive valence theory” explain?
How people respond to increases in intimacy behavior
Person A behaves in a way that increases intimacy behavior
Intimacy behavior is perceived by Person B and then experiences low, moderate, or high arousal
Person B makes a cognitive appraisal based on their ‘cognitive schema’
Cognitive Schema
An evaluation of the increase in intimacy behavior based on
Cultural appropriateness, personal predisposition, interpersonal valence, situational appropriateness, psychological/ physical states
What is relational maintenance?
Involves keeping a relationship:
In existence
In a specified state or condition, stable, status quo
In satisfactory condition
At a desired level
What does it mean to go or not go into “cruise control” mode?
Cruise Control: People in close, committed relationships stay together unless something pulls them apart
There are barriers that prevent people from leaving committed relationships, unless an outside force breaks in or there is a problem
Anti Cruise Control: People must actively work to maintain their relationships or else they will deteriorate
What do most scholars advise regarding maintaining relationships?
Highly committed relationships do run on cruise control some of the time, but periodic maintenance is necessary to keep them healthy and able to adjsut to changing needs and demands
What are relational maintenance behaviors? Why are they important?
These are literally doing the relationship
Openness and Routine Talk
Positivity
Assurance
Supportiveness
Joint Activities
Task Sharing
Romance and Affection
Social Networking
Mediated Communication
What are strategic maintenance behaviors?
Behaviors intentionally designed to maintain and repair the relationships
What are routine maintenance behaviors?
Less strategic and deliberate, used without the express purpose of maintaining or repairing the relationship, yet help people preserve their bonds with one another
Better predictors of relational satisfaction and commitment
Hamilton's husband getting flowers every week for her because she likes flowers and wants them in her house
What was said regarding long-distance relationships? What makes them work well and what might be some concerns?
Becoming more common due to pursuing higher education, dual professional careers, immigrating from other countries, etc
Some studies suggest that they are happier and ‘more in love’ with their partners
What makes long-distance relationships work well and what might be some concerns?
Online communication has helped
Typically on their best relational behavior when together
Make special plans, treat each other in a fair and equitable manner, have long in-depth conversations, remove distraction, effort is put into creating ‘quality time’
More likely to believe they will get married
Realities of proximal relationships are not always visible
What are the barriers to relational dissolution?
People stay in relationships for two major reasons: because they want to or they have to
Have to reasons:
Internal Psychological
External Structural
Internal Psychological
Commitment, obligation, emotional and time investments, strong religious or moral beliefs, meshing of people’s self and relational identities, and parental obligations
Hamiltons friends dad had a lot of flings and was never home but mom wouldn't break up because she didn't want to give up being Mrs. Dr. Dads Name
External Structural
Financial Considerations, legal process, social pressures
In the article “Social media and relationships,” what was said regarding the ways in which social media affect romantic relationships?
Can more readily communicate with partners and see their daily happenings- feel more connected
Can make partners upset with what they see or what their partner chooses to share/ not share
Sharing too much can lessen intimacy
Sharing too little can make other question authenticity of the relationship
Three marriage variables
Conventionality: Traditional vs non traditional notions of family
Companionship: Dependence vs autonomy in marriage, how much time a couple spends together engaging in mutual activities
Conflict: Amount of open disagreement expressed in the relationship
What were the three marriage types and how do they compare?
Traditionals
Independents
Separates
Traditionals
Conventional in their views of marriage
Place more value on stability and certainty in role relationships than on variety and spontaneity
when hamilton said she wanted a divorce, her ex said “i make a lot of money, i would never have an affair, and im a good dad” as if thats all she should want. Husband looking for jobs in seattle when she just got her job at davis and parents moved close, said he makes more money and picks where they live (divorce!)
Strongly interdependent and share much companionship
Do NOT avoid conflict, will engage in moderate amounts of conflict but are typically able to resolve the issues quickly because of tightly defined roles they rely on
Report satisfying marriages
Independents
Unconventional in their views of marriage
Do not rely on each other very much, although they may spend time together and share a great deal, they value their own autonomy more
Because they do not rely on traditional roles, the relationship is having to be negotiated frequently- results in more conflict (not necessarily hurtful)
Separates
NOT ALLOWED TO DO!
Conventional in their view of marriage
Not interdependent and do not share much
‘Emotionally divorced’ because they do not actively engage in maintenance behaviors
AVOID conflict- may be contentious with one another on occasion
Not expressive and do not understand their partners emotions very well
What were the nine signs that a marriage will last? What does each of them mean?
You dated for a while (but had your own place)
Those who didn’t live with their partners before getting engaged had a higher chance of staying together
You keep ‘mmm-hmmms’ to a minimum
Don’t dismiss your partner when they’re trying to connect with you
You talk. Like, really talk
Long-lasting couples carve out time for conversations that mirror the early stages of a relationship
You had warm feet on your wedding day
Women who reported having cold feet were twice as likely to be divorced four years later vs brides who didn’t have last minute doubts
You’ve got demographics on your side
Having a college education and being between the ages of 20-31 decrease changes of divorce
You fight fair
You both carve out ‘me time’
Define yourself beyond your relationship
You cultivate a culture of mutual appreciation
You amplify your partner’s positive
How is sexual permissiveness viewed around the world?
Sex is continued to be viewed as most appropriate in the context of a committed and love-based relationship
Trend towards greater acceptance of sexual activity in causal dating relationships
How do males and females differ in sexual permissiveness attitudes?
Men hold more permissive/ positive attitudes towards uncommitted/ casual sexual activity than women do
Men feel that sex is appropriate when partners feel affection but not love and also earlier in the relationship
How have attitudes about relational sex changed over time?
It was found that men wanted sexual activity to begin earlier than women did, but both sexes were willing for sexual activity to occur in a dating relationship
What do most people feel is an important condition for sex to be perceived as acceptable?
A committed relationship
What is “sexual passion” and how does it impact partner preferences?
Most adults associate sexual desire with passionate love
People prefer a partner who is capable of both experiencing and expressing feelings of sexual passion, usually well above the average
What is “sexual history” and how does it impact partner preferences? How do cultures vary?
Amount of previous sexual partners
Prefer potential dates and mates to possess lower levels of previous sexual experiences
Some cultures value chastity (no sexual experience) more than others
Asian countries value it
Western European countries consider it to be irrelevant
What are the four general reasons underlying the decision to have sex for the first time in a relationship? What were the “circumstances” that were mentioned? What is the most important and most commonly cited reason?
Positive Affection and Communication
how much love they felt for their partners, level of commitment/ involvement
Arousal and Receptivity
partners level of sexual arousal and receptivity to partners sexual advances
Obligation and Pressure
obligation to have sex, partners pressure/ insistence on having sex
Circumstances
amount of substances they/ their partner have consumed, specialness of the date
Commitment to their relationship was the most important and commonly cited reason for sexual involvement
What were the primary findings regarding sexual frequency? How does frequency change over time?
Young married couples (16-25) have sex 2-3 times a week
Slightly older couples (26-35) have sex 2 a week
In another study, 2-3 times a month was the most common response for married men and women with 2-3 times a week the second most common response
This has been found to be stable over many studies
What is the honeymoon effect? What is the critical variable that produces the most sexual activity?
Rates of sexual activity are typically very high during the newlywed phase and then undergo a dramatic decrease as the couple settles into married life
What are the predictors of sexual satisfaction?
How often partners engage in sexual activity
Partners experience orgasms due to the activity at roughly the same time
Ratio of rewards to costs that the partner receives from their sexual relationship is good
What is a sexual script?
Men are expected to initiate sexual activity and women are expected to accept or refuse them
What were the different scripts? How do they typically play out and which ones are preferred?
Male dominated (most common), female dominated (least common), or both (egalitarian) initiating sex
Most prefer a more egalitarian approach to initiating sex
What are the challenges associated with sexual communication?
May be difficult for couples to achieve the level of trust and acceptance required to disclose sexual desires, likes, dislikes, etc
What was said regarding the relationships between sexual satisfaction and relational satisfaction?
How people feel about their sex lives is related to how they feel about their relationship in general- correlation not causation!
What do current behavioral trends and perceptions in the U.S.A. suggest regarding cohabitation?
Acceptance has increased, altering dating, marriage, and family formation and become a normative part of dating
How does cohabitation influence the decision to marry?
Not all cohabitants marry, but people who do marry are more likely to have cohabitated before marriage
What does cohabitation as an “evolving” process mean?
Daters’ movement into and out of full-time, shared residential cohabitation is likely to be fluid and change as the relationship becomes more or less involved
What are the forms of cohabitating and what do they mean?
Cohabitation as a prelude to marriage
partners are seriously committed to one another or engaged formally
Cohabitation as dating
occur earlier in the relationship and prior to the solidification of marriage or future plans. tend to be short lived
What is the “cohabitation effect?”
Association between premarital cohabitation and poorer marital outcomes
What is the “inertia effect?” What are relational constraints and how do they relate to the “inertia effect?”
Couples who would not have married end up married partly because the constraints of co-residence made. leaving the relationship more difficult
Constraints: Lease, pets, household items, etc
What are the differences in “sliding” and “deciding” to cohabitate? From a communication perspective, how do they differ?
Sliding: moving in together without discussing or thinking about what the transition meant
Lack of communication, almost avoiding discussing
Deciding: made the transition after discussing the new arrangement
Disclosure of feelings which may enhance intimacy and satisfaction
In what ways is cohabitating ambiguous, and in what ways does it create relational uncertainty?
Lack of institutionalization means cohabitation represents an ambiguous state that is devoid of socially accepted expectations and clear norms for what the transition means about commitment
May lead to relational uncertainty- degree of confidence people have in their perceptions of involvement in a relationship
What is the “relational turbulence model,” and how does it relate to the partners’ perceptions of their relationship?
Transitions create a need to adapt to the changing interdependence, or mutually beneficial systems of behavior, in order to sustain the relationship
As couples negotiate interdependence, attempts to coordinate action sequences inevitably lead to interference, or cases where a partner’s involvement makes achieving goals more difficult.
Couples who are able to renegotiate interdependence and work through turbulence associated with the transition of co-residence may reap the benefit of a stronger relationship in the future
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