CMN 120 Midterm 2

Family Roles

Recurrent patterns of behavior by which individuals fulfill family functions

• everyone contributes to the function of the group via this

Family Rituals

Repetitive behaviors that have special meaning for a group or relationship

• help create connections

Family Stories

Are told many times and become part of the family’s collective knowledge.

• Give families a sense of history, set up expectations, reinforce values, reinforce connections across generations

Family Secrets

Protect private family information from outsiders.

• Can reinforce the family’s identity and exclusivity. Can be kept within families as well, which can often be stressful and divisive to families.

What are the common characteristics of friendships?

• Are usually peers

• Usually have rules

• Differ by sex- men and women value different aspects (women focus on conversational and emotional expressiveness men focus on shared activities and interests)

• Have a lifespan- grow to dislike each other or life circumstances can change

What are the challenges associated with cross-sex friendships?

• Emotional Bond Challenge

• Sexual Challenge

• Public Presentation Challenge

Emotional Bond Challege

Men and women have been socialized to see one another as potential romantic partners rather than platonic friends, leads to the uncertainty as to whether one of the friends has romantic feelings toward the other

Sexual Challenge

Involves coping with the potential sexual attraction that can occur, the ‘sex thing.’ Men, more than women, tend to see their cross-sex friends as potential sex partners

Public Presentation Challenge

Outsiders wondering if there is something going on between ‘the two of you.’ This is true for same-sex friendships with different sexual orientations, can also be true with same-sex friendships are assumed to be a gay couple

• Hamilton celebrating passing of same-sex marriage with friend and everyone thinking they’re together

Friends With Benefits

Platonic friends who decide to have sex while remaining ‘just’ friends

What are the challenges (and solutions) to “friends with benefits”?

• Challenges: Feelings get complicated

• Solutions: Establish rules

What are Knapp’s five stages of coming together and what characterizes the communication at each stage?

1. Initiating: Greeting and indicating there is an opening for communication

2. Experimenting: Safe topics, small talk, superficial breadth more than depth

3. Intensifying: Marked by an increase in deeper, personal disclosures; things feel emotionally compelling- the falling in love phase, usually when people start having sex

4. Integrating: Things have settled down a bit and so things are less intense, coupling, pet names, coordinated activities, have developed a way of being together- we instead of two people together

5. Bonding: Public expression of lifelong commitment- marriage

What are the precursors of attraction?

• Micro-Environmental: Specific situations within the larger situation

• Social Network: People setting you up

• Proximity: Seeing the person regularly

What are the predictors of attraction?

• Physical attractiveness and rewarding communication

• People perceive others as more physically attractive if they have warm positive interactions with them

• Relationships and interaction can lead to people revising their initial impressions of people

Other than being physically attracted to someone, what also is a predictor of attraction?

• Hard-To-Get Phenomenon

• Chemistry between people

• Similarity

What is the matching hypothesis? How does it compare with research on physical attraction?

Instead of trying to ‘get’ the most attractive person ‘out there,’ people are often attracted to people who have roughly the same level of overall physical attractiveness as themselves. Choosing a partner of similar attractiveness will minimize their chances for rejection by choosing someone who is attainable.

• Ex. (Hamiltons boss) Reasonably happily married, husband goes to gym very seriously to completely transform body (becomes super hot i guess idk i dont like men), bothered her because he looked really good and she looked the same as when they got married- got a divorce

Inconsistent with research that suggests we want the most physically attractive person as possible

What is self-disclosure?

The action of intentionally giving others information about ourselves, that we believe to be true, and think that the receiver does not already know- helps move us through the stages of coming together

What is the “dialectical perspective” regarding self-disclosure?

People have strong needs for both openness and secrecy, and so mutually managing when and what to disclose can be very challenging

What are the dimensions of self-disclosure?

• Depth- how personal/ deep

• Breath- how many topics people feel free to discuss

• Frequency- how often self-disclosures occur

• Valence- the positive or negative ‘charge’ of the self-disclosure

• Duration- how long two people sped disclosing in a single conversation

  • Some research reveals that the duration of face-to-face interaction is more strongly related to closeness in friendships than the frequency of interaction

  • Close intimate friends do not need to have frequent contact to stay close as long as they periodically have in-depth conversations

What are the attributes of self-disclosure?

• Intentional and truthful

• Varies in depth and breadth

• Varies among relationships

• Gradual process

• Usually reciprocated

• Can serve many purposes

• Influenced by cultural and gender roles

What are the benefits of self-disclosure?

• Enhancement of relationships and trust

• Reciprocity- a good way to get to know each other

• Emotional Release- sharing oneself with another can help to reduce internal stress and can improve both mental and physical health

• Helping Others- We can provide support to others when they reveal challenges and show that they’re not alone

What are the risks of self-disclosure?

• Rejection- Sometimes people will not like what we tell them, this is considered an ‘unrewarding’ self-disclosure and people may reject those who reveal information they do not like

  • Hamilton dating someone who she really likes but doesnt know very well, he tells story (in a proud way) of going to reunion and wanting to hook up with someone, timing didnt work, both flew somewhere to hook up, woman didnt look same “didnt seem to be the same woman that she was at the reunion,” tells excited woman he needs coffee and leaves and doesnt come back

• Change of obligating others- as there is pressure to reciprocate, the receiver of self-disclosure may not want to self-disclose and may lead to the person avoiding the discloser

• Hurt to others- uncensored honesty can lead to feeling wounded or resentful

• Violation of another privacy- the sharing of an individuals personal information with a third party without the individuals consent

  • Anita Hill’s friend tells press about Clarence Thomas sexually harassing her, Monica Lewinski same situation

What are the ways in which relationships are “intensified?”

• Increasing contact

• Direct definitional bid (do you want to be exclusive, will you marry me, etc)

• Acceptance of definitional bid

• Personal appearance

• Behavioral adaptation

What are Lee’s love styes?

• Physical Love- attracted to your body, romantic/ sexual aspects merged as one

• Companionate Love- being very very close

• Game Playing Love- “love the one you’re with”

• Possessive Love- unhealthy ‘love’ people call love, usually abuse, feels like love but isn’t

• Unselfish Love- unconditional

• Practical Love- ‘resume approach,’ will this work, arranged marriages

What is Sternberg’s triangular theory of love? What were the primary types of love and the eight types of love, and what are the implications for each one?

Three primary types of love come together and form eight types of love

Primary

• Commitment

• Intimacy

• Passion

Types of Love

1. Nonlove= no intimacy, no passion, no commitment

2. Liking= just intimacy

   • we like each other

3. Infatuation= just passion

   • feels like we’re in love, sexual type of feeling

4. Empty Love= just commitment

   • arranged marriage, unhappy marriage (staying with someone you don’t love anymore)

5. Romantic Love= intimacy+passion

   • emotionally close and sexual/ physical attraction

6. Companionate Love= intimacy+commitment

   • sort of just friendship, do pretty well because of emotional closeness

7. Fatuous Love= passion+commitment

   • fatuous meaning silly, not a good idea

   •  student came in to talk to Hamilton, gf gave him ultimatum unless they got engaged they need to break up, he was super passionate about her but they had nothing to talk about, he didnt like talking to her

8. Consummate Love= intimacy+passion+commitment

What are the five love languages and what is the overview and sub-ideas of Chapman’s research?

• Research conducted on children (see how they knew if their parents loved them) and adults (see how they knew if their partners loved them), both experienced love in the same 5 ways

• Individuals vary in terms of which love languages matter to us most/ least, usually our favorite is the one we express most

1. Acts of Service

2. Touch

3. Gifts

4. Verbal Affirmations

5. Quality Time

What does attachment theory assert?

• How being raised/ developing relates to how comfortable we are in expressing and receiving love from others

• A developmental approach that views love as a process of becoming attached to someone, which includes forming a bond and become close with someone

• Children first learn to develop attachments through dependence on their caregivers

What is an attachment style?

How we stand in relation to other people

What are Bartholomew’s four attachment styles? What are they based on? How do they vary?

• Based on how children developed attachment through dependence on their caregivers

1. Secure Style

   • “I’m okay and you’re okay”- feel secure when we encounter people

   • Self-sufficient, comfortable with intimacy, wants interdependent relationships

2. Preoccupied Style

   • “I’m not okay, you’re okay”- clingy people, type of person who would stalk

   • Is overly involved and dependent, wants excessive intimacy, clings to relationships

3. Fearful Style

   • “I’m not okay, you’re not okay”

   • Wants approval from others, is fearful of intimacy, sees relationship as painful, fears rejection

4. Dismissive Style

   • “I’m okay, you’re not okay”- don’t need anybody, nto sure they want anybody (takes too much effort)

   • Is counter-dependent (doesn’t need anyone), is uncomfortable with intimacy, sees relationships as non-essential

What are the defining characteristics of intimacy?

Relational states and interactions that occur in close relationships, characterized by feelings of warmth, trust, and deep friendship

What are the outcomes of intimacy; why is intimacy important?

• Happiness

• Mental Health (improves)

• Physical Health (improves)

• Overcoming relational turbulence (can’t agree on everything all the time)

• Self-Expansion (know we have a supportive foundation to grow from)

What are the nonverbal ways in which people express intimacy?

• Visual Behaviors- increased eye contact, pupil dilation

• Spatial or Proxemics Behaviors- sitting close, facing someone, accommodating height differences

• Touch- primary way intimate feelings get expressed, types of touch and touch patterns vary in different kinds of relationships, play a significant role in all of them

• Body Movement- smiling, inclusive gestures, nodding, open body positions, relaxation, body synchrony

• Vocalic- warm and expressive vocal tones, tone of voice and use of sounds vary based on topics and context

• Chronemic Behaviors- spending time with the person, planning for the future, devoting time to work on and maintain relationship

What are the verbal ways in which people express intimacy?

• Self-Disclosure

• Verbal Responsiveness- listen in an ‘alter centric’ manner, behavior of listener is as important as that of the discloser

• Relationship Talk- direct communication about feelings regarding the relationship

• Relational Language- inclusivity (use of ‘we’ ‘us’ ‘our’), personal idioms, inside jokes, nicknames, mild teases, love names, etc

What does “cognitive valence theory” explain?

How people respond to increases in intimacy behavior

1. Person A behaves in a way that increases intimacy behavior

2. Intimacy behavior is perceived by Person B and then experiences low, moderate, or high arousal

3. Person B makes a cognitive appraisal based on their ‘cognitive schema’

Cognitive Schema

An evaluation of the increase in intimacy behavior based on

• Cultural appropriateness, personal predisposition, interpersonal valence, situational appropriateness, psychological/ physical states

What is relational maintenance?

Involves keeping a relationship:

• In existence

• In a specified state or condition, stable, status quo

• In satisfactory condition

• At a desired level

What does it mean to go or not go into “cruise control” mode?

• Cruise Control: People in close, committed relationships stay together unless something pulls them apart

  • There are barriers that prevent people from leaving committed relationships, unless an outside force breaks in or there is a problem

• Anti Cruise Control: People must actively work to maintain their relationships or else they will deteriorate

What do most scholars advise regarding maintaining relationships?

Highly committed relationships do run on cruise control some of the time, but periodic maintenance is necessary to keep them healthy and able to adjsut to changing needs and demands

What are relational maintenance behaviors? Why are they important?

These are literally doing the relationship

• Openness and Routine Talk

• Positivity

• Assurance

• Supportiveness

• Joint Activities

• Task Sharing

• Romance and Affection

• Social Networking

• Mediated Communication

What are strategic maintenance behaviors?

Behaviors intentionally designed to maintain and repair the relationships

What are routine maintenance behaviors?

Less strategic and deliberate, used without the express purpose of maintaining or repairing the relationship, yet help people preserve their bonds with one another

• Better predictors of relational satisfaction and commitment

• Hamilton's husband getting flowers every week for her because she likes flowers and wants them in her house

What was said regarding long-distance relationships? What makes them work well and what might be some concerns?

• Becoming more common due to pursuing higher education, dual professional careers, immigrating from other countries, etc

• Some studies suggest that they are happier and ‘more in love’ with their partners

What makes long-distance relationships work well and what might be some concerns?

• Online communication has helped

• Typically on their best relational behavior when together

  • Make special plans, treat each other in a fair and equitable manner, have long in-depth conversations, remove distraction, effort is put into creating ‘quality time’

• More likely to believe they will get married

• Realities of proximal relationships are not always visible

What are the barriers to relational dissolution?

People stay in relationships for two major reasons: because they want to or they have to

Have to reasons:

• Internal Psychological

• External Structural

Internal Psychological

Commitment, obligation, emotional and time investments, strong religious or moral beliefs, meshing of people’s self and relational identities, and parental obligations

• Hamiltons friends dad had a lot of flings and was never home but mom wouldn't break up because she didn't want to give up being Mrs. Dr. Dads Name

External Structural

Financial Considerations, legal process, social pressures

In the article “Social media and relationships,” what was said regarding the ways in which social media affect romantic relationships?

• Can more readily communicate with partners and see their daily happenings- feel more connected

• Can make partners upset with what they see or what their partner chooses to share/ not share

  • Sharing too much can lessen intimacy

  • Sharing too little can make other question authenticity of the relationship

Three marriage variables

1. Conventionality: Traditional vs non traditional notions of family

2. Companionship: Dependence vs autonomy in marriage, how much time a couple spends together engaging in mutual activities

3. Conflict: Amount of open disagreement expressed in the relationship

What were the three marriage types and how do they compare?

1. Traditionals

2. Independents

3. Separates

Traditionals

• Conventional in their views of marriage

• Place more value on stability and certainty in role relationships than on variety and spontaneity

  • when hamilton said she wanted a divorce, her ex said “i make a lot of money, i would never have an affair, and im a good dad” as if thats all she should want. Husband looking for jobs in seattle when she just got her job at davis and parents moved close, said he makes more money and picks where they live (divorce!)

• Strongly interdependent and share much companionship

• Do NOT avoid conflict, will engage in moderate amounts of conflict but are typically able to resolve the issues quickly because of tightly defined roles they rely on

• Report satisfying marriages

Independents

• Unconventional in their views of marriage

• Do not rely on each other very much, although they may spend time together and share a great deal, they value their own autonomy more

• Because they do not rely on traditional roles, the relationship is having to be negotiated frequently- results in more conflict (not necessarily hurtful)

Separates

• NOT ALLOWED TO DO!

• Conventional in their view of marriage

• Not interdependent and do not share much

• ‘Emotionally divorced’ because they do not actively engage in maintenance behaviors

• AVOID conflict- may be contentious with one another on occasion

• Not expressive and do not understand their partners emotions very well

What were the nine signs that a marriage will last? What does each of them mean?

1. You dated for a while (but had your own place)

   • Those who didn’t live with their partners before getting engaged had a higher chance of staying together

2. You keep ‘mmm-hmmms’ to a minimum

   • Don’t dismiss your partner when they’re trying to connect with you

3. You talk. Like, really talk

   • Long-lasting couples carve out time for conversations that mirror the early stages of a relationship

4. You had warm feet on your wedding day

   • Women who reported having cold feet were twice as likely to be divorced four years later vs brides who didn’t have last minute doubts

5. You’ve got demographics on your side

   • Having a college education and being between the ages of 20-31 decrease changes of divorce

6. You fight fair

7. You both carve out ‘me time’

   • Define yourself beyond your relationship

8. You cultivate a culture of mutual appreciation

9. You amplify your partner’s positive

How is sexual permissiveness viewed around the world?

• Sex is continued to be viewed as most appropriate in the context of a committed and love-based relationship

• Trend towards greater acceptance of sexual activity in causal dating relationships

How do males and females differ in sexual permissiveness attitudes?

• Men hold more permissive/ positive attitudes towards uncommitted/ casual sexual activity than women do

• Men feel that sex is appropriate when partners feel affection but not love and also earlier in the relationship

How have attitudes about relational sex changed over time?

It was found that men wanted sexual activity to begin earlier than women did, but both sexes were willing for sexual activity to occur in a dating relationship

What do most people feel is an important condition for sex to be perceived as acceptable?

A committed relationship

What is “sexual passion” and how does it impact partner preferences?

• Most adults associate sexual desire with passionate love

• People prefer a partner who is capable of both experiencing and expressing feelings of sexual passion, usually well above the average

What is “sexual history” and how does it impact partner preferences? How do cultures vary?

• Amount of previous sexual partners

• Prefer potential dates and mates to possess lower levels of previous sexual experiences

• Some cultures value chastity (no sexual experience) more than others

  • Asian countries value it

  • Western European countries consider it to be irrelevant

What are the four general reasons underlying the decision to have sex for the first time in a relationship? What were the “circumstances” that were mentioned? What is the most important and most commonly cited reason?

1. Positive Affection and Communication

   • how much love they felt for their partners, level of commitment/ involvement

2. Arousal and Receptivity

   • partners level of sexual arousal and receptivity to partners sexual advances

3. Obligation and Pressure

   • obligation to have sex, partners pressure/ insistence on having sex

4. Circumstances

   • amount of substances they/ their partner have consumed, specialness of the date

• Commitment to their relationship was the most important and commonly cited reason for sexual involvement

What were the primary findings regarding sexual frequency? How does frequency change over time?

• Young married couples (16-25) have sex 2-3 times a week

• Slightly older couples (26-35) have sex 2 a week

• In another study, 2-3 times a month was the most common response for married men and women with 2-3 times a week the second most common response

• This has been found to be stable over many studies

What is the honeymoon effect? What is the critical variable that produces the most sexual activity?

Rates of sexual activity are typically very high during the newlywed phase and then undergo a dramatic decrease as the couple settles into married life

What are the predictors of sexual satisfaction?

• How often partners engage in sexual activity

• Partners experience orgasms due to the activity at roughly the same time

• Ratio of rewards to costs that the partner receives from their sexual relationship is good

What is a sexual script?

Men are expected to initiate sexual activity and women are expected to accept or refuse them

What were the different scripts? How do they typically play out and which ones are preferred?

• Male dominated (most common), female dominated (least common), or both (egalitarian) initiating sex

• Most prefer a more egalitarian approach to initiating sex

What are the challenges associated with sexual communication?

May be difficult for couples to achieve the level of trust and acceptance required to disclose sexual desires, likes, dislikes, etc

What was said regarding the relationships between sexual satisfaction and relational satisfaction?

How people feel about their sex lives is related to how they feel about their relationship in general- correlation not causation!

What do current behavioral trends and perceptions in the U.S.A. suggest regarding cohabitation?

Acceptance has increased, altering dating, marriage, and family formation and become a normative part of dating

How does cohabitation influence the decision to marry?

Not all cohabitants marry, but people who do marry are more likely to have cohabitated before marriage

What does cohabitation as an “evolving” process mean?

Daters’ movement into and out of full-time, shared residential cohabitation is likely to be fluid and change as the relationship becomes more or less involved

What are the forms of cohabitating and what do they mean?

• Cohabitation as a prelude to marriage

  • partners are seriously committed to one another or engaged formally

• Cohabitation as dating

  • occur earlier in the relationship and prior to the solidification of marriage or future plans. tend to be short lived

What is the “cohabitation effect?”

Association between premarital cohabitation and poorer marital outcomes

What is the “inertia effect?” What are relational constraints and how do they relate to the “inertia effect?”

Couples who would not have married end up married partly because the constraints of co-residence made. leaving the relationship more difficult

• Constraints: Lease, pets, household items, etc

What are the differences in “sliding” and “deciding” to cohabitate? From a communication perspective, how do they differ?

• Sliding: moving in together without discussing or thinking about what the transition meant

  • Lack of communication, almost avoiding discussing

• Deciding: made the transition after discussing the new arrangement

  • Disclosure of feelings which may enhance intimacy and satisfaction

In what ways is cohabitating ambiguous, and in what ways does it create relational uncertainty?

• Lack of institutionalization means cohabitation represents an ambiguous state that is devoid of socially accepted expectations and clear norms for what the transition means about commitment

• May lead to relational uncertainty- degree of confidence people have in their perceptions of involvement in a relationship

What is the “relational turbulence model,” and how does it relate to the partners’ perceptions of their relationship?

• Transitions create a need to adapt to the changing interdependence, or mutually beneficial systems of behavior, in order to sustain the relationship

• As couples negotiate interdependence, attempts to coordinate action sequences inevitably lead to interference, or cases where a partner’s involvement makes achieving goals more difficult.

• Couples who are able to renegotiate interdependence and work through turbulence associated with the transition of co-residence may reap the benefit of a stronger relationship in the future