Chp. 5a: Friendships and Intimacy

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs

After meeting our physiological needs and needs for safety, our social needs - for intimacy and love - are the most fundamental of human needs

Intimacy

Closeness between 2 people, both emotional and physical

Self-disclosure

Sharing both the facts of our lives and our deeper feelings

Interdependencies of romantic partners

• intrinsic - emotional support

• extrinsic - money or services

• sexual - sexual activity

• formal - shared legal status

Friends

Expect friends to include more emotional support or self-disclosure. Closer friends = more frequent and personal disclosures

Homogamy

Tendency for people to marry others much like themselves.

Closeness in friendships changes over time based on many different factors:

• Time in life

• Relationship status

• Distance from friend

• Busy-ness

• Change job

Bond

Our drive to form connections with individuals and groups

Commitment

Stable factors, including not only love but also obligations and social pressures that help maintain a relationship

Feminization of love

Gender bias in our cultural constructions of love that likely distorts our understanding of how both men and women love

Instrumental displays

Women mostly perform these like tasks associated with nurturing and cargegiving

Expressive displays

Expressing/telling others how much we care about them.

Co-rumination

Excessive discussion of personal problems (women mostly engage in this)

Men vs. Women

• men fall in love more quickly than women

• men are more likely to see sex as a way to express love

• men more easily separate love and sex from women

Romantic view of love-based marriage represents:

A middle-class version of marriage

Individualized marriage

Dual-earner couples follow independent paths to growth and change, sharing their feelings, supporting each other, and engaging in the joint project of raising children.

12 central attributes of love

• trust

• caring

• honesty

• friendship

• respect

• concern for other’s well-being

• loyalty

• commitment

• acceptance of the other they way he or she is

• supportiveness

• wanting to be with the other

• interest in the other

Love expressed behaviorally

• saying “I love you”

• self-disclosing

• offering emotional and moral support

• expressing nonverbal feelings

• providing gifts or small favors

• physically expressing love

• tolerating and accepting other’s idiosyncrasies

Primary styles of love

• eros

• ludus

• storge

Eros

Romantic or passionate love

Ludus

Playful or game-playing love (love is for fun)

Storge

Love between companions (begins as friendship and gradually deepens into love)

Secondary styles of love

• mania

• agape

• pragma

Mania

Obsessive love, characterized by an intense love-hate relationship

Agape

Altruistic love, love that is patient, selfless, and undemanding and doesn’t expect to be reciprocate.

Pragma

Practical, pragmatic style of love (primarily logical), look for a partner who has the background, education, personality, and interests compatible with their own

Passionate love

Intense longing for union with another

Companionate love

Warm and tender affection we feel for close others. Includes friendship, shared interests and activities, and companionship.

Quid-pro-quo/one sided relationships

• doesn’t last

• isn’t what relationships are about

• ratios of positives to negatives

• about the climate you create in your relationship

Intimacy reinforces itself

creates certain kinds of behaviors, attitudes, and feelings that maintain and intensify the sense of intimacy

Triangular theory of love

Love is composed of 3 elements: intimacy, passion, and decision or commitment

Attachment theory of love

Degree and quality of attachment one experiences in early life influence one’s later relationship

Rejection sensitivity

Tendency to anticipate and overreact to rejection

Secure Attachment

• natural to be warm and loving

• closeness is easy

• able to rely on partner and be relied on

• predictability

• person knows their partner is there for them

Anxious/Preoccupied/Ambivalent Attachment

• love to be close to partner but fear that partner does not want to be close

• tend to “act out” to get attention (to test relationship)

• push and pull

Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment

• important to maintain independence and self- sufficiency, uncomfortable with too much closeness

• often emotionally distant (deactivating behaviors)

Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

• sometimes appears anxious, sometimes appears avoidant, can be confusing for partner or self

• more common for trauma survivors, especially complex childhood trauma

Ways to be more secure:

• be with secure partner

• recognize your tendencies or triggers

• stay engaged and available (mutual support)

• need to find positive experiences to change attachment

• acknowledge and accept your needs and your partner’s 

• changing view of yourself

• effective communication/talking through feelings

Differentiation of Self/Bowen’s Family Systems Theory

Ability to act, think, and feel independently of others while maintaining connections with others

• not being distant, selfish or only putting yourself first

• not a lack of emotional engagement

• not breaking ties with your family

Low differentiation:

Fusion

• anxiety increases = more fusion

• greater relational anxiety and stress

• frequently overwhelmed by emotions

High differentiation:

Effective social and relational skills as well as coping skills

4 elements of differentiation

• emotional reactivity

• I-position

• Emotional cutoff

• Fusion with others

Elements of differentiation: Emotional reactivity

Respond to stimuli without emotional flooding

Elements of differentiation: I-Position

Clearly defined sense of self and thoughtful adherence to sense of self

Elements of differentiation: Emotional cutoff

Threatened by intimacy, cut off others

Elements of differentiation: Fusion with others

Emotional overinvolvement with others

Increasing differentiation

• Solid flexible self: I know who I am and can change when needed

• Quiet Mind and Calm Heart: I control my thoughts, emotions, and actions

• Grounded Responding: I don’t say too much or too little, I’m balanced

• Meaningful Endurance: I stick with things when times are tough