the day the internet died: Nina

these are for my ligns for drama

CROWD / EVERYONE: You know what our new business is! / Yeah! / Get on with it!

NINA: Someone killed the internet and we wanna know who!!

CROWD / EVERYONE: Yeah!!!

NINA: It’s been six torturous hours since it died and it’s making my life impossible!

(JENNY is sitting on a park bench. Reading a book. NINA comes barreling in.)

NINA: Jenny!

JENNY: Ah!

NINA: Oh. Sorry! That was too loud. What are you doing? Reading? I heard reading is a really

great way to pass the time now that the internet isn’t working.

JENNY: Actually it is. You know I’ve had this copy of Anna Karenina in my house for five years

and never read it. And now I am! It’s a great book.

NINA: Uh, huh. Sure.

JENNY: I thought I’d miss the internet more but it’s actually been really relaxing! I didn’t realize

how much stress being online caused me on a daily—

NINA: Nice. Great. Sorry, I’ve just had a heck of a time keeping all my friends updated on

everything that’s going on with me now that the stupid internet is down. I mean how did

people keep in touch before Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat.

JENNY: Uh...they called each other on the phone...

NINA: I know right! Cavemen. (Mimicking a phone:) Hello, this is my voice. Let’s do this

tomorrow. (Stops mimicking.) Thanks grandma. For the phone call! Uh. People were such

idiots in the past! Idiots!

JENNY: Oh, I like talking on the phone—

NINA: So! I know you’re dying to know what’s been going on in my life! I mean it’s been what,

ten hours now! What Is Nina doing?! I don’t know!

JENNY: Oh, well, we’re not that great of friends—

NINA: Well I’ll tell you! Okay, so first. Instagram. I printed out all the photos I would’ve posted

on Instagram so that you can like them. Ready?

(NINA pulls an 8x10 photo out of her bag.)

NINA: This is me this morning. With the caption (She pulls out a caption and holds it underneath.)

“Monday Mornings are not my jam. Even though I’m in my jammies.” Like?

JENNY: What?

NINA: Like?

JENNY: Oh. Yeah I like that I guess.

NINA: YES! Oh sweet nourishing likes!

(JENNY takes out a thumbs-up sticker and puts it on the photo.)

NINA: I said halleluiah! Momma needed that like! Okay, here’s a picture of my toast after I took

a bite out of it. No caption yet. Still working on it. But I’m thinking something like “This toast

is toast” or “take a bite of toast!”

JENNY: Uh...sure like.

NINA: Well don’t like it if you don’t really mean it. If it’s not doing anything for you, you

shouldn’t...just...like it.

JENNY: Okay then I pass.

NINA: Totally. Fine. I get it. But how about with a Hudson. (She puts a piece of colored plastic

over the picture to “filter” it.) OR Inkwell. (Another filter.)

JENNY: I still don’t—

NINA: It’s gone. Forget about it... You know what, let’s head over to Snapchat. Who even

uses Instagram anymore? Dead people, right? Snappers is my jam! Okay, here’s my story

of getting a bellybutton ring and it getting infected so I had to go to the emergency room.

We start with my belly button. (She takes out a belly button picture, then rips it up.) Then I

went to the mall. (Shows a picture of her at the mall, then rips it up.) Then I was like “yogurt

Mondays!”

JENNY: All right! Stop! I didn’t ask to see any of this!

NINA: Well no one ever wants to “see” any of my pictures. They just come up on your feed.

Like I’m coming up to you now!

JENNY: Yeah but...what if I choose not to go on Facebook, or Instagram one day.

NINA: What do you mean not go on?

JENNY: Well, like every once in a while, if I have a lot of work or I just want to unplug, I won’t

go on social media at all.

NINA: Not even on your phone?

JENNY: No.

NINA: You mean... So you’re saying... There are days, where...I take the time and effort to

curate a really great series of pics of me...eating or trying on clothes and making the best

duck face ever! And you... You don’t even see them.

JENNY: On the days I don’t go on social media...yeah. I mean I suppose I could—

NINA: Hide! Hiding you.

JENNY: I... What?

NINA: If you’re not gonna respect my feed then I won’t respect yours. HIDE!

JENNY: Well you’re not... Actually hiding my feed. We’re just talking.

NINA: Can’t hear you cause you’re hidden. I don’t want to have to block you, Jenny. I will but

I don’t want to—

JENNY: Okay well, I don’t care.

NINA: Block! Block! Unfollow! On Snapchat! Instagram! Facebook! You’re blocked.

(NINA takes out a paper bag and tries to put it over JENNY’s head.)

JENNY: What are you doing!

NINA: I’m still seeing you and I want you blocked!

JENNY: Ow! Stop it!

NINA: Block! Block and hide! BLOCK HIDE! BLOCK!

JENNY: You can’t just... Block me! Or unfriend me to my face. I won’t just go away! So if you

have a problem with me, you’re going to have to act like a human being, look me in the eye,

and tell me! Blocking doesn’t work in the real world.

NINA: You’re right. I... This has just been a hard adjustment for me. I...I’m really sorry. I guess I

need to reevaluate my life choices. Is it really so important to have people like your pictures?

Isn’t there more to life than just —Oh it’s Barry. He always likes my pictures!

(NINA sees “Barry” off stage and becomes totally distracted.)

JENNY: No wait! Finish your thought! You were so close to...personal growth...

NINA: Barry! It’s me! Nina! I’ve got updates for you to see! Barry. I got an infection in my belly

button! Like it! LIKE IT!!!!!

(NINA runs off stage.)

SHERIFF: Thank you all for coming in today. I hope I won’t take up too much of your time. As

you know, there is an open investigation into finding the perpetrator of these outages—

NINA: You mean killed. You’re trying to find the internet killer.

SHERIFF: No, I do not mean that. And the reason you’re all here is that we’ve received several

complaints about alleged crimes committed by you three. Which puts you on my shortlist as

possible suspects. Nina, you’ve been charged with several counts of stalking and harassment.

NINA: Oh, come on! Is that really a crime? Just because I followed my ex-boyfriend into his house

and then into his shower until he agreed to like one of my photos?

SHERIFF: But then you took your cart outside without paying for anything. Look, the point

is you’re all criminals. So, I’d like to know your whereabouts on the night of June 17th

between the hours of six and ten, which is about the time when the outage first occurred.

NINA: But you don’t really think it could be one of us, do you? I mean...we all love the internet.

We only committed crimes because we’re having a hard time living without it.

SHERIFF: Hm. That’s actually a good point. I mean, not me being a cat-faced shrew. But

otherwise, you’re right, I can’t see why any of you would actually want the internet to go

out. You all are clearly addicted to it. So...

NINA: So are we free to go?

MAYOR: I know! I get it. You all miss the internet. But I have some good news for you. We’ve

located the problem with our local servers and we expect the internet to resume functioning

within the next five to ten minutes.

NINA: But who did it?!?!

HERBERT: That’s right! The three giant corporations I work for wanted to study what would

happen if a population was deprived of the internet. Could a society even function without

connective tissue of email and Instagram and TikTok? Our algorithms predicted that you’d all

descend into rioting and cannibalism. And many of you did freak out for a bit. By harassing

your neighbors. Or wearing bags on your head and screaming at people. But then, to our

great surprise, you started to adapt. Anxiety rates lowered, as did reports of depression. It

turned out not having the internet was shockingly...good for you.

NINA: Well, now that we know all this. Shouldn’t we just...continue to stop using the internet?

Or at least, only use it in moderation?

HERBERT: No! No internet would be far worse! If Amazon’s stock drops any lower, Jeff Bezos

might not be able to go to space this month! He might have to wait until next month! Which

would be a tragedy. So, let’s just go back to the way things were before the blackout so our

mega companies can have their obscene profits again, yes? Go ahead, pick up your phones.

Check your Twitters. Do your Tok dances. And pretty soon you’ll forget that this ever even

happened.

NINA: But what if we don’t want to just go back! I mean, look, I’m not proud of the way I acted

at first. Forcing people to look at pictures just so I could feel good about myself. But I’ve

grown! I’m a better person now!

AGNES: A robbery! I feel like we should all see what’s going on. For our safety! And...uh...oh,

there’s a recall on deer meat. But I love deer meat!

NINA: Just as long as we remember that... (Ping.) ...That uh, moderation... (Ping.) ...Uh...wait

what were we talking about?