Week 10 - Commitment

What are the characteristics of a good relationship?

• Positive communication

  • John Gottman, PhD: ratio of positive to negative comments that emerge during an interaction = the strongest predictor of whether a relationship will succeed or fail

    • Successful relationships had 5:1 or better ratio

• healthy sexuality

• self-expansion

Healthy sexuality

partners who communicate about sex in general and during sex tend to be more sexually satisfied

Self-expansion

humans have a need to “expand” or grow the self over time; this can be accomplished by engaging in activities that are exciting and novel and developing new relationships

• Incorporating certain characteristics of the partner with ourselves

Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

• “Pessimism can be a friend of love”

• Survival of love over time depends on teaching each other to be the best versions of ourselves

• Better question to ask when meeting on a first date: “How are you crazy? I’m crazy like this”

Sternberg Triangular Theory of Love

• Intimacy: emotional dimension; sense of bondedness and connection

• Passion: motivational dimension; physical attraction; sexual desire/attraction

• Commitment: cognitive dimension; conscious decision to maintain a relationship over time 

• Each person has a unique ratio of different amounts of each component (intimacy, passion, commitment)

• Ratios of components change over time

• The more a couple’s ratios match, the more likely they are to be satisfied in the relationship

Love Languages by Gary Chapman

• Physical touch: it can be sex or holding hands. With this love language, the speaker feels affection

• Gifts: gifting is symbolic of love and affection

• Quality time: expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention

• Acts of service: actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love

• Words of affirmation: expressing affection through spoken affection, praise, or appreciation

Investment model of commitment: contributors

• satisfaction

• quality of alternatives

• investments

• relationship maintenance mechanisms

Satisfaction

• Subjective evaluation of the relationship

• Overall ratio of good things to bad things in a relationship

• Evaluate one’s satisfaction relative to some comparison level (compared to satisfaction in past relationships; compared to friend’s satisfaction in relationships)

Quality of alternatives

• Perception of how desirable all other people in the dating pool currently are

• Comparison of alternatives

• Includes different relationship states with current partner (e.g., more desirable to be friends? FWB?)

Investments

• Both tangible (house, car, children, pet, bank account)

• And Intangible (memories, shared moments, time and effort spent)

Relationship maintenance mechanisms

• Accomodation: don’t fight fire with fire/rise to provocations

• Willingness to sacrifice: don’t always pursue own self-interest in order to maintain relationship

• Derogation of tempting alternatives: perceive other potential partners as less attractive 

Shortcomings of investment model

• Investment model doesn’t include the fact that forecasts (predictions about future satisfaction in the relationship) also affect commitment

• Investment model assumes there’s only one type of commitment; others disagree

• Theorized types of commitment

  • Personal commitment: committed to relationship because I’m happy and want to continue

  • Constraint commitment: I have to continue because it would be too costly to leave, but I would end it if I could

  • Moral commitment: it’s against my values to leave (e.g., believe in religious sanctity of marriage; feel strongly obligated to uphold vows)

Ch. 6 - Interdependency

• Relationships are predicted on social exchange

  • I give you what you want and you give me what I want - we reward each other

• Outcome = rewards - costs

  • We want the best possible outcomes

  • But we also compare outcomes in a relative way - outcomes cannot be measured “absolutely”

• Each person has their own Comparison Level (CL) in a relationship

  • Based on past experiences

  • Satisfaction will be based on if your outcome is higher or lower than your CL (Outcomes - CL = satisfaction or dissatisfaction)

• We also have a comparison level for alternatives (CLalt)

  • “Could I be doing better somewhere else?”

  • We won’t leave a current relationship unless we see better alternatives

  • CLalts therefore determine dependence (Outcomes - CLalt = dependence or independence)

• Investments also influence whether we will stay or go

  • Even if we have options, we might lose tangible goods (e.g., furniture or dishes) or intangible benefits (e.g., respect from in-laws or friends) if we leave

• People also don’t always perceive there to be alternatives

  • If you have low self-esteem

  • If you’re really satisfied with your partner 

Reasons for Declines in Satisfaction in Long-Term Relationships

• Lack of effort: we stop trying as hard when time goes by

• Interdependency as a magnifying glass: we are more negatively affected by interactions with intimate partners 

• Access to weaponry: the people closest to us can hurt us the most

• Unwelcome surprises: we don’t expect or foresee certain problems in our relationships

• Unrealistic expectations: our relationships can’t be all sunshine and roses

Personality traits and styles

• openness to experience

• conscientiousness

• extraversion

• agreeableness

• neuroticism

Openness to experience

Appreciation for adventure, imagination, curiosity

Conscientiousness

tendency to display self-discipline, strive for achievement, control impulses, regulate

Extraversion

getting energy from external activity/situations, enjoying interacting with people, perceived as having high energy, assert themselves

Agreeableness

Concern for social harmony; tendency to want to get along with others, willingness to compromise

Neuroticism

tendency to experience negative emotions (anxiety, anger, depression)

• Low tolerance for stress or aversive stimuli 

Attachment styles

Patterns of approaching and developing relationships with others

• Develop at least in part out of early life experiences with primary caregivers

• Relatively stable but can change as a result of new relationships/experiences

Securely attached individuals (anchor)

• Secure as individuals

• Have easy time getting close to others

• Willing to commit and fully share with another

• Don’t worry about being abandoned 

• Generally happy people

• Adapt easily to the needs of the moment

• Can help non-anchors become more anchor-like

• Expect committed partnerships to be mutually satisfying, supporting, and respectful

Avoidantly attached individuals (island)

• Independent and self-reliant

• Not comfortable with intimacy

• Take good care of themselves don’t want to become dependent on others

• Productive and creative, especially when given space

• Low maintenance

• Do not look for affection from others

• Tend to experience more interpersonal stress (sense a higher sense of threat in the presence of significant others or in social situations in general)

• Can be overly sensitive to perceived intrusions by significant other 

• Tend to look toward the future (avoid focusing on present or past relationships)

Anxiously Attached Individuals (Wave)

• Generous and giving

• Worry that their partners may not want to get as close as they would like

• Focused on taking care of others

• Fear their partner doesn’t love them or may leave them

• Happiest when around other people

• Can be jealous

• Able to see both sides of an issue

• Can both want to connect but also be afraid of connecting 

Desire in long-term relationships

• First time in history of humankind we are trying to experience sexuality in the long-term

• Sex over time for pleasure and connection, rooted in desire

What sustains desire in long-term relationships?

Humans need to reconcile two needs

1. Need for security/safety/dependability/permanence

2. Need for adventure/novelty/mystery/risk/surprise

What is the Real Problem with Long-Term Desire?

Crisis of desire ≈ crisis of imagination

The Relationship Between Love and Desire

Love = “to have”

• Minimize distance

• Contract the gap

• Know the beloved

• Minimize tensions

• Be close

Desire = “to want”

• Want an “other”

• Need for space

• “Fire needs air”

• Not neediness, not care-taking (anti-aphrodisiac)

When are you most drawn to your partner?

• When apart; when reunited. When one is able to get back in touch with one’s ability to imagine oneself with partner. Imagination rooted in absence and longing 

• When he/she is radiant, confident, self-sustaining; on stage; in his/her element; in the studio; holding court; seeing him/her from a comfortable distance; somewhat elusive

• When surprised; when laughing; when there’s novelty (ex: tuxedo or cowboy boots)

What is play?

Play is when risk is fun

• You can’t play when you are in a situation of danger, anxiety, or contraction

• You have you feel safe in order to play

• If you do not play, you won’t experience the erotic

Passion has phases

Passion is like the moon, it has intermittent eclipses

• This notion that people will live in a permanent state of passion is impossible (nobody would go to work)

• Successful couples have debunked the myth of spontaneity