10 - Attraction

What can humans use to regulate social behaviour?

ostracism

How does ostracism teach behaviour?

Exclusion can be a means of teaching others what behaviour is appropriate

Who does ostracism effect?

Both parties

• ostracism is worse than bullying
• engaging in ostracism can take a toll

Why does ostracizing others hurt?

it goes against our innate drive to include others

A lot of our behaviour is driven by what?

the need to belong

What leads to friendship and attraction?

• proximity
• physical attractiveness
• similarity vs. complementarity
• liking those who like us
• relationship rewards

How important is proximity in attraction?

It is a big factor.
We like things that are familiar to us. Even frequent neutral interactions can breed liking.

Anticipation of interaction

anticipating having interaction with someone makes them seem more attractive/appealing

Mere exposure effect

The tendency for novel stimuli to be liked more after the rater has been repeatedly exposed to them

What makes the mere exposure effect stronger?

When people are repeatedly exposed to the stimuli without awareness

Is physical attractiveness important in dating?

yes

Men vs. women importance on physical attractiveness

Males rate attractiveness more important, women rate humour, honesty, kindness highly

The Matching Phenomenon

The tendency for individuals to choose partners those who are a "good match" in attractiveness and other traits

Why do we want a good match as a partner?

People don't want to feel inferior to their partner, makes them feel more comfortable

Physical attractiveness stereotype

The presumption that physically attractive people possess other socially desirable traits as well

How is the physical attractiveness stereotype a self-fulfilling prophecy

We might ignore/explain away the negative behaviours of attractive people

Evolution and attraction

We are looking for someone who is a good person to procreate with

Social comparison and attraction

attractiveness can be relative

Similarity and attractiveness

-likeness begets liking

• dissimilarity breeds dislike

Complementarity

The supposed tendency that two people in a relationship complete what is missing in the other

Do opposites actually attract?

Not well supported by interpersonal relationship/social psychology research

Reciprocity of Liking

Finding out someone likes you makes you like them

What must be true for the reciprocity of liking to work

the liking must be attributed as authentic, otherwise we don't like them back

Ingratiation

excessive flattery

What effect does ingratiation have on liking?

Too much can reduce liking. Leads us to think the compliments come from an insincere ulterior motive place

Self-esteem and attraction

low-self-esteem people underestimate how much their romantic partners value them

Hostile attribution bias

Neutral/positive things can be taken in a negative way. Can be due to low self-esteem

Reward theory of attraction

The theory that we like those whose behaviour is rewarding to us or whom we associate with rewarding events

Liking by association

Liking someone associated with something/someone we already like

Two-factor theory of emotion

love results from both physiological arousal and the label we assign to that arousal

Variations in definition of love: Culture and gender

• Some cultures emphasize love in marriage, relationships
• Men fall in love faster; more likely to equate physical attraction with love

Cognitive label

When we feel aroused with someone we're attracted to we may interpret this arousal as love

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love

passion, intimacy, commitment

Romantic love

intimacy and passion

Fatuous love

passion and commitment

Companionate love

intimacy and commitment
The affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined

Empty love

commitment

Infatuation

passion

Liking

intimacy

Consummate love

the ultimate goal of relationships (according to Sternberg)

• intimacy, passion, and commitment

How do companionate love relationships develop?

Stable and enduring affection that develops through shared experiences and emotional intimacy

Maintenance of companionate love relationships

Require less maintenance to keep the relationship

What enables close relationships?

our families during our development

Attachment styles

secure
avoidant
anxious/ambivalent

Secure attachment

Attachments rooted in trust and marked by intimacy

Avoidant attachment

Attachments marked by discomfort over, or resistance to, being close to others

Anxious-Ambivalent attachment

Attachments marked by anxiety or ambivalence

• can manifest as clingy or afraid of commitment

Equity

A condition in which the outcomes people receive from a relationship are proportional to what they contribute to it

Long-term equity and relationships

a long-term sense of equity is better in relationships than tit-for-tat

Why is tit-for-tat detrimental for long-term relationships?

it requires us to keep a running "stock" in the relationship and lower our perceived equity

Self-disclosure

Revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others; deepens connection

Disclosure reciprocity effect

The tendency for one person's intimacy of self-disclosure to match that of a conversational partner

Ways that people cope with distress in relationships

• Passive
• Active
• Constructive
• Destructive

Constructive passive response to distress

Loyalty: await improvement

Constructive active response to distress

Voice: Seek to improve relationship

Destructive passive response to distress

Neglect: ignore the partner

Destructive active response to distress

Exit: end the relationship

A destructive response to distress refers to…?

• taking steps to end the relationship
• not taking steps to improve the relationship

Happy vs. unhappy relationships

• Unhappy couples disagree, command, criticize, and put down
• Happy couples more often agree, approve, assent, and laugh

Although healthy relationships are not devoid of conflict, what keeps them healthy?

They are able to reconcile differences and overbalance criticism with affection

Protective factors of marriage
(people usually stay married if?)

• Married after 20yrs old
• Grew up in stable two-parent homes
• Dated for a long time
• Stable income
• Same age, faith, education