The Day The Internet Died (Sandra's Lines)

(Lights up on a newspaper stand. JOE sits, waiting for a customer. And then SANDRA, a

frazzled Twitter addict, runs up to the stand.)

SANDRA: Is this it? Is this the life Twitter?

JOE: Life Twitter?

SANDRA: Yeah. This is where Twitter is in the real world right?!

JOE: Sorry, I’m not sure I know what you mean. This is a news stand. I sell newspapers and

magazines and sugar to children.

SANDRA: News! Great! Twitter is where I get my news! So...yeah! This must be Twitter.

(SANDRA whips out a handful of slips of paper. These are her tweets.)

SANDRA: Look, all I need is to get these tweets out. I have some great takes on politics. And a

few on the Kardashians. And this one! This one’s about Pete Davidson and I really, really

need everyone to know about it. So...gimme.

JOE: Give you what?

SANDRA: The news! Gimme the news so I can tweet at it.

JOE: You want me to...give you a newspaper?

SANDRA: Yes! You bumpkin! Give me the news!

JOE: Well I can’t just give it to you. Newspapers cost a dollar and twenty-five cents.

SANDRA: I don’t care how much it costs just give me the darn news!!!! Here, take my useless

paper money!!!

(SANDRA throws money at Joe and takes a newspaper. Then she rips page by page out of

the newspaper, and starts mashing her tweets into them!)

There! Tweet! You happy, Kim Kardashian?! I don’t like your new show! And there...take

that, Senators! Washington is broken!!! But my tweet will fix it! And BENSON BOONE WHY

WON’T YOU DATE ME!!!! AHHH!!! [Feel free to change/update the references here.]

JOE: Ma’am. Are you okay?

SANDRA: Oh, yeah. Just needed to...get my tweets out. And now they’re out. And now...the

demons can rest. They can rest. And I can rest.

(She takes a few more breaths, then abruptly stands up.)

Well, thank you so much for helping me out. Oh, maybe I’ll take a Snickers bar too. How

much does it cost?

JOE: It’s on the house.

SANDRA: Really?

JOE: Yes. Plus you just paid eighty-five dollars for one newspaper. So...let’s just call it even.

SANDRA: Wonderful. Have a good day!

(And then SANDRA runs back on, furious! Full of demons!)

SANDRA: This Snickers bar is disgusting! I need to tweet at them until they die! Where are

they?!?!

(JOE hands SANDRA a box of Snickers. She dumps them on the ground and starts “tweeting”

at them!)

SANDRA: You son of a mother, Snickers! Where’s the consistency?! There was no nougat (nu-git). No

nougat!!! AAAHHH!!!!!!!