Horace Vandergelder

Band exits horace and ermengarde on stage

How can I be expected to play Yonkers My Yonkers with all that bellowing in my ears

I cant help it uncle. I love ambrose kemper

and I say you’re too young to be in love with anybody! Here take this!

I’m not too young! I’m seventeen, and in another year I’ll be an old maid.

Well, I forbid it! Dare to be an old maid, Ermengarde, and I’ll cut you off without a cent! …And don’t cry in front of the store!

I can’t help it! I’m unhappy!

Then by thunder you’ll go and weep for a while in New York where it won’t be noticed! Now go upstairs and start packing your trunk, and don’t get any tears on the lock! It was just oiled! Cornelius! Barnaby!

You stamped, Mr. Vandergelder?

I did! I got news for you both! I am going to New York this afternoon to march in the Fourteenth Street Association Parade. And when I come back you’re going to have a mistress.

I’m tooo young, Mr. Vandergelder!

Not yours, Mine! I mean, I’m getting married again. And in honor of that occasion I’ve deided to promote you, Cornelius, to chief clerk.

And what am I now, Mr. Vandergelder?

You’re an impertinent fool, that’s what you are! And I’m promoting you from impertinent fool to chief clerk. Any more questions?

Yes.

What?

Does…does the chief clerk get one evening off a week?

So that’s the way you thank me for your promotion, is it? No sir, you’ll attend to the store as usual! Now get back to work! And don’t forget to put thelid on the sheep dip!… Evenings off, marrying artists… foolishness! Ninety-nine percent of the people in this world are fools… and the rest of us are in great danger of contamination! Why, even I was once young, which was foolish; and got married, which was foolish; and was poor which was more foolish than anything else. Then my wife died which was foolish of her; I grew older which was sensible of me; and became rich, friendless, and mean, which in Yonkers is about as far as you can go! Oh I know what you’re wondering now. Why a man of so much good sense should be planning anything as foolish as getting married again. The answer’s simple: this house without a woman would be an empty shell - and pretty dirty too!

Congratulations, congratulations, a thousand congratulations!

What? What?

Congratulations, Mr. Vandergelder! All New York is buzzing with the news that you’ve practically proposed to Irene Molloy. The streets are lined with eligible young ladies prostrate with grief. All my congratulations and sympathy-

Sympathy?

Did I say that? A slip of the tongue, that’s all. No I’m delighted with the happy news, after all she wan’t easy to unload - by that I mean you know what people said although I for one never believed the rumors, no I didn’t…

Rumors? What Rumors?

Nothing to get upset about, Mr. Vandergelder. I mean according to all known facts her first husband passed on quite naturally. It’s just that he went so sudden. A few spoons of chowder she made special for him and pfft! But, it could happen to anyone. No there’s no truth in it. just one word of advice, Mr. Vandergelder. Eat out!

Now hold on, Mrs. Levi, you mean to say that Ms. Molloy-

I mean to say nothin, Mr. Vandergelder. Just friendly advice. Keep away from the chower. By the way, she’s ordered her wedding gown, beautiful; youshould see it - black! Well, as I said before, Mr. Vandergelder, congratulations on your forthcoming nuptials and may you rest in… I mean, may guardian angels watch over you both. Particularly at dinner.

Look here, Mrs. Levi, you introduced me to Mrs. Molloy and rumors or not I intend calling on her this afternoon… as arranged!

Very well, Mr. Vandergelder, then there’s nothing more for me to do but go back to New York and tell the other girl, the heiress, not to wait…

What did you say?

Nothing, a word, heiress

Particulars, Mrs. Levi, I demand particulars - her name!

her name? Er, um, blah… Money? Ernestina Money.

What a lovely lovely name.

Picture if you will, hair as shiny as a newly minted dime… eyes as big round as silver dollars… skin as soft and mossy as an old greenback-

I can feel her now

Age nineteen; weight, a hundred and two; waist, fourty-seven-

Waist fourty-seven?

Thats with the money belt. Now I could arrange for you to meet this Ernestina this very afternoon.

I ain’t got time, Mrs. Levi. I got to bring my niece Ermengarde to New York this afternoon until she forgets a certain Ambrose Kemper!

I could do that for you, Mr. Vandergelder. I know just how to handle such things.

Then I’m marching in teh Fourteenth Street Parade!

What an amazing coincidence! Guess who’s been chosen to ride on the main float-the spirit of Fourteenth Street- Miss Money! her mother was a Cash, you know.

All right, Mrs. Levi, I’ll meet Miss Money at the parade but I still intend paying another call on Mrs. Molloy first!

Oh dear, what races you make me run! Very well, Mr. Vandergelder, I’ll meet you on that bench in front of Mrs. Molloy’s hat shop at two thirty as usual.

One more thing, Mrs. Levi! Suppose I decide against Mrs. Molloy and I don’t like Miss Money neither?

Well, really. Mr. Hackl! Mr. Tucker! I insist that you both come out of there or I’ll be forced to… Mrs. Vandergelder!

Mrs. Molloy. I don’t suppose Mrs. Levi is here, is she? She was supposed to meet me on that bench ten minutes ago. Well, she can just go looking for me if she comes. When I make an appointment, I like people to be on time! Here, here’s a present for you. Chocolate-covered peanuts. Unshelled. That’s the expensive kind. Did I just see you talking with two men?

Men? Men, Mr. Vandergelder? What would men be doing in a ladies hat shop? Well now, let’s go back into my workroom. I’m so anxious for you to see it.

I saw it last week.

So you did. Well, Mr. Vandergelder, what’s new in the hay and feed business? I understand you have three friends. All hard as nails. I mean—

What on Earth are you talking about?

Yonkers. I hear it’s a beautiful city.

And who’s been telling you about Yonkers, may I ask?

Nobody - A friend!

What friend?

Well. You see, he-

He?

A customer, Mr. Vandergelder. Someone quite well-to-do as a matter of fact. He was in here buying hats for ladies. You might even know him although it’s usually silly to ask in cases like that. It’s a Mr. Cornelius Hackl.

Did you say Hackl?

Why, yes—

He happens to be my head clerk, that’s all! Mrs. Molloy, I demand an explanation.

And I’m going to give it to you! Why shouldn’t she know Cornelius Hackl! Everybody in New York knows Cornelius Hackl! He’s here at the opera, in all the fashionable homes… Why, he’s at the Hormonia Gardens Restaurant three times a week!

Impossible! He’s only got a hundred and forty-six dollars and thiry-five cents and I keep it in my own safe!

Oh Mr. Vandergelder, you’re killing me! he’s one of the Hackls. They built the canal

What canal

both

It ain’t the same man!

There’s a man in ther.

Now look here, if there’s a man in that closet—

No, Mr. Vandrgelder, you can’t its too dangerous!

No man that hides in ladies’ closets can frighten me, Mrs. Levi! Stand aside!

No man indeed, I’m sure you’d make short work of any man, those muscles; I can see them now rippling back and forth under your coat, ripple ripple ripple, back and forth! Ripple, ripple, ripple

For the last time, Mrs. Levi, will you stand aside!

So you see, Mr. Vandergelder, there couldn’t possibly be a man in that closet! God bless you.

Mrs. Molloy-

All right, Mr. Vandergelder, there is a man in that cupboard!

Aha!

And another under that table!

What the devil!

Good Lord, the whole room’s crawling with men, I’ll never get over it. I take it I’ll see you later this afternoon, Mr. Vandergelder?

You certainly will, Mrs. Levi! With a certain young lady on the main float at the end of the parade! Good day, Mrs. Molloy!

end of parade passes by

Mrs. Levi, she’s beautiful! Everything you said and more! Don’t move, Miss Money, I’m coming! I’m on my way! Hey, you, cut that out! That’s my fiancee! Stop, thief… pickpocket!Put that back, you! I paid for that girl and I want all the parts! Miss Money, what have they done to you? Mrs. Levi! What is the meaning of this?

Nothing to get upset about, Horace, a last minute substitution. Miss Money had a sudden urgent business appointment at the Mint. They ran a little short and she’s helping out. But she’ll meet you at the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant at eight o’clock tonight!

That’s the most expensive restaurant in the city!

And well it should be! What food! And the fastest waiters in New York! By the way, I might be a little late so Miss Money will meet you in front of the restaurant. wait till you see her, Horace, all in buttercup yellow with baby pink shoes and humming an old fashioned tune, yes, Sweet Rosie O’Grady, you couldn’t miss her if you tried.

I’ll be there Dolly. But only because I already paid for the introduction and I might as well get my money’s worth! But from this point on you are hereby discharged as my marriage broker. Is that clear? From now on, Dolly Gallagher, you’re just a woman like anyone else! Where are you taking me? What’s happening?

I have told you before, sir, you will have to move. This table is reserved for Mrs. Levi and party!

And who do you think I am? Only it’s Horace Vandergelder and party! She’s in my party, I ain’t in hers!

Mr. Vandergelder, of course! It’s just that Mrs. Levi mentioned nothing about you bringing your… your-

My personal physician! That’s enough rouge doctor.

But Mrs. Levi only ordered a chicken for two!

Chicken! Chickens are dear!.

Und pate maison, soupe du jour, und pommes soufflees

Why didn’t you tell me this was an oriental establishment, well take two bowls of rice, now get out! Now, Miss Money I understand you carry respectable sums in your belt.

Say, why the closed curtains? You ashamed or something?

It’s not that, I just felt a slight chill

Say this is a café, isn’t it? Lets dance!

The vandergelders do not dance, Miss Money. We’re Presbyterian

Allright , Cornelius, I’ll send for the band, but promise you won’t order anything else!

You wait here, Miss Money! I’ll tell them to play a nice waltz! Look you, give this to the bandleader and tell him to play a waltz.

Whoooppeee

Miss Money!

Cornelius!

My Purse!

My Wallet.

Here you that’s my purse! Miss Money, get off the table, you’re dancing in the stew!

End of Hello Dolly

Excuse me, girlie, Dolly! Dolly Gallagher! What are you doing in that getup? And you’re a half hour late! And I demand an explanation of—

Ernestina!

Exactly!

Ernestina whom I trusted!

She wanted to do the hoochie coochie!

Now don’t let’s say another word about it, I’m as shocked as you are. I-cant-eat-a-thing-what-have-you-ordered?

What you wanted-a chicken! Now see here, Mrs. Levi, about this hoochie coochie girl-

Did you say a chicken? Oh I don’t think I could face a chicken, not a chicken, not today, not after what’s happened.

Good! Then cancel the chicken!

And bring a turkey

What are you doing now?

Nothing just looking the place over. Getting acquainted with the surroundings.

That’s the trouble with you, Dolly. Always wanting to know everything! Always putting your nose into other people’s affairs. Anybody who married you would get as nervous as a cat.

What? What’s that you’re saying?

I said anybody who married you would-

Horace Vandergelder, get that idea right out of your head this minute. I’m surprised that you even mentioned such a thing. Understand once and for all that I have no intention of marrying you!

I didn’t mean that!

Well I certainly hope not! Horace Vandergelder, you go your way and I’ll go mine. I’m not some Irene Molloy whose head can be turned by a few chocolate covered peanuts-unshelled! Why, the idea of you even suggesting such a thing!

Mrs. Levi, you misunderstood me!

Start right in on the wine. I think you’ll feel better at once. However, since you brought the matter up, there’s one more thing I ought to say.

I didn’t bring the matter up at all.

One more thing I ought to say before we forget all about it. It’s true I’m a woman who likes to know everything that’s going on; who likes to manage things, but I wouldn’t like to manage anything as out of control as your household. You’ll have to do that yourself, god helping you

It’s not out of control.

Very well, let’s not say another word abut it. Have some beets, Horace, they’re good.

I don’t like beets!

That’s good! No, Horace, a complaining, quarrelsome, friendless soul like you is no sort of companion for me. You salt your beets… And I’ll salt mine.

Will you stop saying that

I wont say another word

Good!

Except this. At your age, Horace, you should enjoy hearing the honest truth.

My age! My age! You’re always talking about my age!

Well, I don’t know what your age is, but I do know that up in Yonkers with bad food and a bad temper, you’ll double it in six months. Have some more beets! They’re good!

I don’t like beets! I hate beets!

That’s nice. Now dig right in. Yes, the pity of it is you could be a perfectly charming, witty, amiable man if you wanted to.

I don’t want to be charming

But you are. Look at you now. You can’t hide it. Now sit down, Horace, and let’s talk of something else. But before we change the subject there’s one more thing I am going to say.

I don’t want to hear it! And you’re wasting your time, Dolly Levi! I won’t ask you to marry me!

I suppose that means you want me to ask you. Well I’m sorry, Horace, I’m turning you down.

How can you turn me down when I haven’t asked you anything?

It’s no use arguing. I’ve made up your mind. Here, let me cut your wings

Ive got a headache; I’m going back to my hotel.

You can’t go now. The competition’s about to begin-

here’s the money to pay for the dinner. Here’s twenty dollars… wait a minute. There’s nothing in here but a dollar, three dimes, five pennies and a button! This isn’t my purse! I’ve lost my purse!

It’s vandergelder’s Cornelius, we better get out of here!

What am I going to do? I’ve never been here before, they don’t know me! Stop eating that turkey! I can’t pay for it!

Horace, it’s the latest thing - a polka! And there’s one dancer I particularly want you to see. Rudolph, move our table right down front so Mr. Vandergelder can better observe his graceful movements.

Wait a minute! That man! That dancer!

End of polka

Cornelius Hackl!

Mr. Vandergelder!

Barnaby Tucker!

Waaaahhh!

Ermengarde! Dolly Levi, this is your doing! What are you up to?

Mr. Vandergelder, I can explain everything

I dont want to here your explanations you’re fired!

Officer arrest that man!

Why do you know who I am? Cut that out.

Your Honor, I ask for freedom for my clients and a verdict of guilty from the only real culprit… Horace Vandergelder of Yonkers, New York!

Dolly!

I was just about to call you, Mrs. Hackl. Go right ahead.

Cornelius hackl, if you dare testify against me, you’ll be discharged!

You’ve already done that, Mr. Vandergelder

I’ll do it agian.

Your Honor, I am talking about none other than… Love

What? You’re trying to tell me that after thirty three years you’ve fallen in love because you took one evening off?

Well, Horace that’s your lie… without niece, without clerks, without bride, and without your purse. It looks like there’s only one more thing to say.

If it's to ask me to marry you, Dolly Gallagher, never! Not in a million years! Under no circumstances will I ever marry you!

Goodbye

What

Goodbye (2nd)

Now hold on, Dolly-

It’s too late, Horace. I’ve failed. And when a woman fails, there’s nothing else she can say

wait

but

hey

return to the feed store

And… and I wouldn’t marry you, Dolly Levi, if you were the last woman on earth. Not if you asked me a million times. i didn’t need you before and I don’t need you now. Dolly Levi, you go your way- and I’ll go mine. Dolly… Dolly… Dolly!

You stamped, Mr. Vandergelder? (end show)

What? Oh, so it’s you is it, Mr. Hackl? Come crawling back, have you?

And Cornelius has found the perfect location, Mr. Vandergelder. Right across the street from you

So, you think you can compete with Vandergelder’s, do you? Well, just you try-

Ahem

Aha another one come crawling is it? What do you want?

my back salary for the past four months - six dollars and twelve cents

You cant do that to me, any of yo! Ill go to the courts! Ill get lawyers? Ill… Ill-

Why Horace Vandergelder, as I live and breathe, if you aren’t handsome in that outfit! So few men nowadays have the courage to wear faun yellow and taupe

Dolly Gallagher

And the money my Mamma left me: Fifty two dollars and forty eight cents!

Thirty eight!

forty eight

All right all right If it’s money you want, the safe is upstairs.