The Wedding Singer - Robbie Lines

After dance break in It’s Your Wedding Day

Line dance! Follow me!

After It’s Your Wedding Day

Thank you! Thank you very much! Hey, thank you! My name is Robbie Hart and I’m the lead singer of ‘‘Simply Wed’’. I’d like to introduce the rest of the band, that’s Sammy on bass and George on keyboards. What a pleasure it is to be here at the Touch of Class Catering and Banquet Hall on this special, special day with two special, special people… Mr. and Mrs. Harold Fonda!

David: Yeah, I’m definitely the screw-up in the family. I even screwed up the bachelor party: we ran out of blow at like seven o’clock…

All right! Let’s hear it for the-

David: Hey, I’m just gettin’ to the best part, where ‘‘Mr. Perfect’’ over there spends ten minutes in a closet with a dime bag, a transvestite and a bottle of Jagermeister!

Hey, now, part of the fun of a bachelor party is that it’s a chance for the groom to get ‘‘wild and crazy’’ one last time before he pledges his eternal love to the woman he adores. At that moment, his old life ends - all his past mistakes, his false starts, his… sexual experimentation - that stuff doesn’t matter anymore. I myself will be making that pledge to my beautiful fiancé Linda tomorrow… thank you, beginning a new life, a life of love. Some might say, ‘‘What’s love got to do with it?’’ Or that ‘‘love is a battlefield’’. But those folks are looking for love in all the wrong places. Because endless love… is the greatest love of all. To Harold and Debbie…

David/All: To Harold and Debbie!

The best man, everybody. Alright, we’re gonna take a short break. But as you enjoy your prime rib or fish, George is going to take us south of the border with a little tune he calls…

Julia: Oh my God!

Got it!

Julia: Whoa, nice save!

Just doin’ my job. You’re Holly’s cousin?

Julia: Right, Julia Sullivan.

Robbie Hart

Holly: Julia, it’s entrée time!

Nice to meet you, Julia!

Sammy: So there’s a “Battle of the Bands’’ in Paramus on the 18th. First prize is you get to make a demo with the guy who produces all Bon Jovi’s albums. I signed us up.

We have the Schwartz wedding that night.

George: “So what?'‘

We’re just supposed to not show up on the most important night of someone’s life?

Sammy: Look, we’ll figure something out. But right now, it’s time for Robbie Hart’s last night out as a free man.

I appreciate the offer guys, but I’ve gotta finish writing this song for my wedding tomorrow.

Sammy: George made quiche!

I’m sorry, guys. This song is real important.

Julia: Oh. Hi. What are you doing?

Just… you know, writing a song for my fiancé, Linda.

Julia: That’s so sweet! She’s a lucky girl!

No, I’m the lucky one. Linda’s… a goddess. She came to one of our gigs seven years ago, back when I was in a metal band ‘‘Burning Sensation”. It was love at first sight for both of us. I’m just, having a little trouble with this thing… it’s kinda gotta be done by tomorrow.

Julia: Can I hear what you’ve got so far?

Uh, sure, it’s a little unfinished, but… here we go…

Julia: No! That’s a little dark.

Okay, all right…um…

Julia: That’s just weird.

Look, writing a love song is hard! Okay?

Julia: Wow. Will you make me a promise?

Um, sure…

Julia: If I ever actually do get married, will you sing at my wedding?

It’s a deal.

Julia: Oh my God, that’s probably Glen!

I’d better go. Thanks for your help with the tune.

Scene Three

Hey, Grandma, can I come down yet?

Rosie: Just a second!

We better get moving. I don’t want to be late for my own wedding…

Rosie: O.K., come on down! Surprise! It’s your wedding present!

Wow! A queen size bed! Thanks, grandma!

Rosie: Whoo, that takes me back. You and Linda are gonna have some wedding night on this thing! And then, maybe you can finish writing the song for my anniversary party… I came up with some words, maybe you could set them to music? After you get back from your honeymoon, of course.

Sure thing. I hope fifty years from now Linda and I will be as happy as you and Grandpa are.

Rosie: So… tell me, Robbie… are you nervous?

A little, but I’ll be fine. I’m around weddings all the time.

Rosie: Not about the wedding. About the wedding night. Will this be your first time with the sexual intercourse?

Hey, let’s not talk about this.

Rosie: Now, there’s nothing to be ashamed about. You know before I married your grandfather, I had already been with eight men.

You know, that’s not something I really wanna know about.

Priest: Uh, Robbie. Do you think maybe we should call Linda?

No, I’m sure she’s fine… just a problem with her dress or her hair or something…

Sammy: Linda’s mom just stopped by.

Oh, that was nice of her.

Sammy: She wanted me to give you this.

A note? Excellent…

After A Note From Linda

“Your Pal?”

George: So we came over to cheer you up. Although it seems like what you need is not so much “cheering up” as “anti-psychotic medication”

Linda was right to dump me. I haven’t done anything since high school.

Sammy: What is that thing?

Let go. Mine.

Sammy: It’s the plastic bride from the top of the wedding cake.

It looks just like Linda. Only much, much smaller.

Sammy: What do you mean? This is a critical summer for the band! What are we gonna do without our lead singer? I am not going back to work at the Orange Julius. Look, Robbie…

Whatever you have to say, I don’t want to hear it.

Sammy: You gotta get back on the horse, Robbie. Did Rocky lay there on the canvas when Apollo Creed knocked him down? No! Did Marty McFly give up when his time machine ran out of plutonium? No! Did that hot chick in “Flashdance” stop… flashdancing just because she had a lot of welding and shit to do?

What the hell are you talking about?

After Pre-Casualty

So let’s hear it for… Donatella and Shane McDonnough. Give ‘em a hand! I mean, you guys are off to a great start. I mean, Donatella showed up, so right away you gotta be pretty psyched, right Scott?

Shane: Shane.

Whatever. You’ve found “true love" . Whoop-dee-doo. But what is “true love”? Don’t ask me. Cause I’ve never had it. Thought I did…

Father of the Bride: Hey, buddy, I’m not paying you to hear your thoughts on life. I’m paying you to sing.

One more outburst from you, sir, and I’ll bludgeon you to death with this microphone.

Julia: Robbie, maybe singing tonight wasn’t such a good idea. You’re still a little emotional.

How can I have emotions… when my soul’s been eaten by the Devil!

Holly: And a cookie!

Yeah, we’re all hoping to find true love, but do you know what the flip side of hope is? You sir, with the bad haircut, any clue?

Bad Haircut Guy: You don’t like my haircut?

The flip side - no, I don’t - the flip side of hope, my friends, is fear. Fear that I’ll never find ym “Donatella”, my ‘‘special someone’’. But maybe it’s all a trick! Maybe there is no “special someone” out there for me or anybody else. I mean, Shane, let’s be honest - how “special” is Donatella? She sweats more than any woman I’ve ever seen. She is a sweaty, sweaty woman. And Shane, I’ve only known her an hour, but that whiny, baby-talk thing is already driving me nuts.

Donatella: Shaaaaaane! He’s hurting my feewings!

Oh, I’m sorry, Donatewwa, I’m sorry, I forgot: you’re in “looooove”. Well, some of us are never gonna experience that! I know I never will. And I’m pretty sure that guy right there won’t. Or that lady with the sideburns. And pretty much everybody at table nine. But the worst part is that me, ugly guy, sideburns lady, and the mutants at table nine have to sit here and act like we’re so happy for you because you’re in “looooove”! Well maybe we’re not happy for you! Maybe we’re not happy at all….

Sideburns Lady: I’M A CASUALTY OF LOVE!

Tell me ‘bout it!

Julia: Robbie? Are you okay?

Did everybody leave?

Julia: Pretty much. Except a few cops who are still interviewing witnesses.

I think I’m lying in creamed corn.

Julia: Robbie… why don’t you get out of there and go home?

No! I live here now!

Julia: You’re just upset about Linda. But what was so special about her anyway? I mean, what kind of “goddess” would screw over a great guy like you? You’re gonna feel a lot better once you meet someone new.

I’ll never meet anyone now.

Julia: Well, not in there you won’t.

Maybe I was stupid to get engaged in the first place. I mean, look at you. You’re not engaged and you’re happy.

Julia: Um… actually…

Wait a second - you got engaged?

Julia: Robbie, you’re still gonna sing at my wedding, right? You promised, remember?

Listen, Julia, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but it’s not gonna work.

Julia: I’ll be right here waiting for you!

Okay, I’ll try…

Julia: Come on, Robbie! Music is your life, you can’t just give it all up!

I’m sorry, I just can’t sing at weddings anymore.

Julia: Well, maybe you could start out slowly. You know, just get your feet wet again. There have to be other functions you can entertain at besides weddings.

Other functions? What does that mean? It means that today, Jared Shapiro has left childish things behind. Today, Jared Shapiro has entered the world of adulthood. Today, Jared Shapiro… you are a man. That’s right, kid, I’m talking to you!

After Today You Are a Man

All right, everybody, before we bring up Grandpa Moishe to bless the challa. Let’s take the room down a little bit. Can I get some mood lighting? Nice. Now, George, our keyboardist has prepared something special for our final number so I don’t want to see anybody sitting this one out. Break it down for us, Georgie.

Julia: I thought you could use a cold one.

Thanks. Hey, nobody’s dancing.

Julia: They’re thirteen. Boys and girls aren’t interested in each other yet.

True. It isn’t until later that the sickness creeps in.

Julia: So, is it good to be back?

Yeah, you were right. I owe you one.

Julia: Funny you should mention that. Glen and I were supposed to go register today, but some clients of his are in town.

That is brilliant: he found a way to get out of doing all the wedding junk that guys hate.

Holly: I only said that so you would get off the hood of my car.

So, how did you know this Glen guy was “the one”?

Julia: Come on, Robbie. What’s it gonna take to get you to help me out? I’ll buy you a smoothie.

Alright, throw in one of those big pretzels and you got a deal. Meet you out front in ten minutes.

Julia: I like the china with the floral pattern! Look at the little daffodils and rosebuds.

What are you, like, eighty years old? No guy is gonna wanna eat off plates like that. Just go with the white ones, anything else is gonna clash with that tablecloth you just bought.

Julia: The one you forced me to buy.

It was fifty percent off!

Julia: It was eighty percent ugly! Besides, we’re not supposed to be buying stuff, we’re supposed to be registering for stuff.

Well, see if this registers: you’re picking out crap.

Clerk: Now, kids. Let’s just relax, I see this kind of thing all the time. Pre-wedding jitters.

What?

Julia: It takes one to know one.

Ow! Cut it out!

Robbie and Julia: Cause it’s not that kind of thing.

What about these?

Julia: Are you nuts? I’m not registering for black towels.

But black towels never get dirty.

Julia: Um, Robbie?

No.

Julia: What do you think? Can you picture me in it?

Yes.

Julia: You think I’ll look alright?

You’ll look beautiful. I mean, the dress is really… You think they bedazzled this?

Holly: Why don’t you show me?

Look, guys… I gotta go…

Julia: Okay. Just for educational purposes.

“You may kiss the bride.”

Julia: “I do.”

“I do, too!”

Holly: Whatever that was, was really good. Do that at the wedding. Thanks, Robbie.

Julia?

Glen: Oh, yeah, I’ve heard all about the Robster. Thanks for helping Julia out. I owe you one.

Hey Glen, I kissed her but it didn’t mean anything.

Glen: Who hasn’t?

I gotta go.

All: SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY

Hey, is Julia okay?

Glen: Oh, she’s fine. Probably just nervous about the wedding.

Well, any girl would be lucky to be Mrs…

Glen: Guglia.

So Julia’s last name is gonna be Guglia? Julia Guglia? That’s funny.

Glen: Why is that funny?

I don’t know.

All: SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE CITY

So you must be excited.

Glen: Actually, I’m not crazy about the big wedding thing. I’d rather just hop a plane to Vegas.

Are you checking out that waitress’s ass?

Glen: C’mon. That is a fine, fine ass right there.

It’s a shame guys like us could never get something like that.

Glen: Speak for yourself.

Too bad you’re gonna have to give all that up after you’re married.

Julia: Hey, Glen and I got engaged! Engaged to be married!

You already told us that a few weeks ago. Is she okay? She seems a little tipsy…

Glen: Okay, baby, time to go home.

Maybe I should go help Glen.

Holly: That wasn’t anything like that kiss you gave Julia the other day.

Um, Holly…

Holly: I can’t believe I never noticed it.

What?

Holly: You have a thing for Julia.

No, I don’t. I mean, she’s great and all, but she’s marrying that jerk-off.

Holly: Well, you might not think he’s Mr. Perfect, but you know why she’s marrying him, don’t you?

You mean the money thing? The security, the nice house. Yeah, that’s important to some people these days.

Holly: It’s not important to some people. It’s important to all people.

Well, I’m in big trouble, then. But maybe I could change. I mean, then do you think…

Holly: Well, you might not think Glen’s Mr. Perfect, but you know why she’s marrying him, don’t you?

You mean the money thing? The security, the nice house. Yeah, that’s important to some people these days.

Holly: It’s not important to some people. It’s important to all people… all people… all people…

Well, I’m in big troub-

Holly: All people….

Well, I’m in big trouble, then. But maybe I could change.

Holly: All people….

Maybe I could change!

Glen: Roberto! Welcome to the center of the universe! What can I do you for?

Well, Glen, I thought you might be able to help me out… it’s pretty clear I’m going nowhere right now, and I need to start making some money.

Glen: Okay, well, what kind of experience do you have?

Not any, really. But I’m a big fan of money. I like it. I use it. I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. But I would like to put more in the jar. That’s where you come in.

Suits: MBA’s and I.P.O’s

Does that mean you’ll help me?