I hate Hamlet scene

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Andrew… Hamlet! Why didn’t you tell me?

Because I knew you would be the most excited. And I knew you would tell me I have to do it.

Of course you have to!

But why? Just because It’s supposed to be this ultimate challenge? Because everyone’s supposed to dream of playing Hamelet?

No — because it’s the most beautiful play ever written. It’s about how awful life is, and how everything gets betrayed. But then Hamlet tries to make things better. And he’s dies.

Which tells us…

At least he tried!

But why do I have to be Hamlet? I can get an other show, maybe even movies. I don’t need Hamlet.

But Andrew — you went to drama school.

Only for two years.

But wasn’t it wonderful? The great plays — Ibsen, O’Neil — nothing under four hours. And Shakespeare — didn’t you love it?

Sometimes. But I left.

Why?

LA Medical! The bucks! TV Guide. My face at every supermarket check-out in America, right next to the gum. I felt like — every day was my Bar Mitzvah. Everyone I saw was smiling, with an envelope with a check. That's what California is, it's one big hug — it's Aunt Sophie without the pinch.

Andrew, Jim Corman was terrific, but now you’re back.

On a whim. The show was dead, I thought, okay, try New York, why not? Take some classes, maybe do a new play, ease back in. But now — this place. Hamlet. That's not the plan.

Of course it is! It’s your old plan, your real one! You know the only thing that would be better? Better than Hamlet?

The cliff notes?

Romeo and Juliet. Remember, when we did that scene is class? O, swear not by the moon. That monthly changes in her circled orb. Lest that thy love, prove likewise variable.

What shall I swear by?

Do not swear at all, or if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self which is the god of my idolatry, and I’ll believe thee.

My heart’s dear love… Oh, Deirdre…

Andrew…

Will you… stay?

Yes. Upstairs. Isn’t there an extra room? On the roof?

Deirdre.

Andrew — you said you understood. I can only give myself to the man I’ll love forever. The man I’ll marry.

So marry me!

Andrew, that’s so sweet.

Why won't you take me seriously? I'm not just talking about sex. You believe in things. And you almost make me believe. You are Juliet.

Exactly! And you'll be Hamlet I can see it! Andrew, I do want to get married, and I do want to have sex, it's just... I've waited so long. I have so much invested in this. I mean, if it wasn't absolutely perfect, it would all just be wasted. I'd feel so silly.

Deirdre, you're a 29-year-old virgin. And you tell everyone. I think fear of silliness is not the issue.

Oh, but won’t it be so wonderful, once I know for sure? Won’t you be glad that we waited?

Deirdre, sex is wonderful. Take my word. It's right up there with unicorns and pot-pourri, And antique lace and bayberry-scented candles. Deirdre, even Laura Ashley had sex.

That’s true…

When will you know? When will you be sure?

Soon… maybe. I know I’m being impossible, but it’s not that I’m prude. I just want — everything! And it’s happening!

It is?

Of course! You’re going to be Hamlet, and I’m going to be… Ophelia. Oh Andrew, could I audition? Would they let me?

I guess I could ask them…

Would you? And it wouldn’t be sleazy, because I’m not sleeping with you! Isn’t that perfect?

Deirdre, that's nuts. It's like... show business for Mormons.

It’s going to be the best! Good night, sweet…

Don't say il If I can't have sex, I don't know why I should play Hamlet.

Sweet prince!