ELF: The Musical - Emily Hobbs

DEB: Right away.

Hi, darling.

MICHAEL: Hi, Dad.

Ready to go?

WALTER: Go where?

I don’t believe it. Christmas shopping, remember?

WALTER: Emily, you always do this to me.

We planned this weeks ago! I took the day off —

MICHAEL: Dad, it is well documented that the children of workaholics are prone to self-esteem issues.

(WALTER stares at Emily, baffled) What can I say; the kid likes NPR.

WALTER: TRY THE TWENTY-FIFTH

EMILY: WALTER, WAIT! NO ONE WORKS ON THAT DAY

MICHAEL: You’ve got it backwards!

He’s right! It’s you who are getting in the way of Christmas, Walter.

WALTER: All together now!

CHRISTMAS ALWAYS GETS IN THE WAY. Walter, Christmas is only five days away and we don’t even have a tree.

WALTER: MONEY DOESN’T GROW ON CHRISTMAS TREES

Give me that calendar! If not today, how about tomorrow? Let’s see… HALF PAST ONE, BUY A TREE TO TRIM HE’S YOUR SON

WALTER: I REMEMBER HIM

DON’T MAKE FUN, THERE’S TOO MUCH TO DISCUSS

WALTER: MY BUDGET NEEDS REWRITING

TWO O’CLOCK, SKATING IN THE PARK THEN A WALK UNTIL AFTER DARK HERE’S A SHOCK, SPEND AN EVENING WITH US

EMPLOYEES: IT’S ALL WORK AND NO PLAY

CAUSE CHRISTMAS

CHRISTMAS

CHRISTMAS

CHRISTMAS

WALTER: What does it always get?

IN THE WAY!!

WALTER: Susan Welles? You said Susan Welles?

Isn’t she that girl you went out with in college?

WALTER: Susan passed away years ago. If this is supposed to be funny, it’s not!

He said he’s your son. Deb, who sent this Christmas Gram?

BUDDY: Mrs. Hobbs! Are you married to my Dad?

I’m married to Mr. Hobbs.

BUDDY: Then you’re my step-mommy! Would you like a hug?

(steps back) No, thanks.

MICHAEL: Wait. He’s my brother?

Shh. No, of course not.

BUDDY: But I want to stay with you, Dad. Hey! Look! We’ve got the same color eyes!

(EMILY scrutinizes them) You do.

DEB: Mine are blue, actually.

(EMILY yanks a strand of BUDDY’s hair)

BUDDY: Ouch, Mom! You pulled my hair.

I did? Oh, sorry.

(she takes an envelope from DEB’s desk and carefully places the hair inside.

she puts the envelope in her purse. LEAVE STAGE)

MICHAEL: Ah, heck, it still doesn’t work.

Maybe you’ve got these spinny things on backwards?

MICHAEL: I don’t know. Dad said he’d help me but he’s not around. Again. He’s basically not a dad.

Michael, don’t talk like that. Your father loves you. He’s a caring man, but he —

(doorbell chimes)

Hold that thought.

(EMILY opens the door and we see BUDDY standing between two POLICEMEN)

(Arms out-stretched to hug EMILY)

BUDDY: Hi, Mom, I’m home!

(Stepping back)

Excuse me?

POLICEMAN #1: This the Walter Hobbs residence?

Yes?

POLICEMAN #2: Our pal Buddy here says Mr. Hobbs is his dad.

Yes, Officer, we’re aware that Buddy thinks he’s Mr. Hobbs’ son, but…

Good. Guess we came to the right place.

(to POLICEMAN #2)

Let’s go.

Wait a second, you can’t just leave them here!

POLICEMAN #2: Hey lady, have a heart. It’s almost Christmas and he’s homeless.

Well…

BUDDY: I can stay here! Yay, I can stay here!

Well, yes, but just for tonight. Then you’ll have to find a place of your own.

BUDDY: Only about 7000. This one is kind of weird looking. You’d never get Santa to okay it.

So you know, Santa pretty well, do you?

BUDDY: No! Of course not. Santa hasn’t used reindeer for years and years. Ever since he got that nasty letter from PETA. Nowadays the sleigh is powered by Christmas spirit alone. Which is a problem because of people like you. I mean, look at this place; no tinsel, no tree — have you even written your letter to Santa Clause yet?

Buddy, I’m sorry, but I’m too old to write to Santa Claus.

BUDDY: Okay, Mom?

(Shrugging)

Okay.

So, how do we do this?

MICHAEL: You’re asking your 12-year-old son how to write a letter to Santa Claus? What does that say about this family, mom?

Okay, Dr. Drew. Well, in the spirit of Christmas, what do you want for Christmas?

MICHAEL: I DON’T WANT A CHECK

THATS MADE OUT TO CASH

OR A CORPORATE RE-GIFT

FROM SOME SECRET STASH

I’D LIKE A DAY WITH MY DAD

JUST A DAY?

MICHAEL: you’re the man

Nice going, buddy!

MICHAEL: It’s Buddy…

He’s stayin’ with us!

WALTER: Staying with us? What do you mean, Emily, he’s staying with us?

(to MICHAEL)

Turn that noise off!

It’s just for overnight. The police showed up with him.

WALTER: Not now!

Michael, why don’t you show Buddy the spare room.

(To Buddy)

You can sleep there. It has a futon.

WALTER: Emily, there is no way—

Walter he’s homeless and it’s freezing out. We couldn’t just leave him sleeping in the street.

WALTER: Okay. There’s a youth hostel over by the west side highway. He can stay there.

Good idea. We’ll stick in a cab and send him to a youth hostel in his elf suite. Or, we save the cab fare and just beat him up here.

BUDDY: Of course, that’s why it’s important to chew your sugar carefully, drink lots of syrup and see your dentist twice a day.

(BUDDY now pours Maple syrup all over his spaghetti, and hungrily starts eating.)

(Meanwhile, stage left, in the living room, we hear the sound of a door chime as Emily, in a bathrobe, enters and answers the door. She takes a FedEx envelope from uniformed doorman, closes)

Oh, my god…

Walter: Emily. That lunatic is still here

Emily: Yes he is. And he’s not going anywhere

Walter: what are you talking about?

Emily: Walter, i’ve been, uh, very busy the last couple days. You see, I had to…

Walter: (to himself) Oh, my god. (aloud) we’ll have to snuggle some other time, Buddy, because today i’ve got to go to work. You’ll be staying here with your, uh, step-mommy

Emily: oh, no he won’t! I have my annual planning meeting this morning. Your father will stay here with you.

Walter (to emily): dammit, im this close to getting fired.

Emily: then take him to work. I bet he could be very helpful around the office.

Walter: He’s an idiot. My son is an idiot.

Emily: Walter, tell me something. Was Susan a bright girl?

walter: The brightest. Phi Beta Kappa.

Emily: Then we know where he got the idiot gene, don’t we darling?

( The living room in the Hobbs’ apartment, as in Act One, Scene 8. Michael and Emily sre reading Buddy’s note on the Etch-a-sketch

Emily: “…I don’t belong at the North Pole, either. Nobody needs me.” Poor thing, wandering the streets in that dorky elf suit.

Michael: Why did he do it?

Emily: He had a fight with your father (examining the etch-a-sketch more closely) This really is amazing. I can barely draw a straight line on one of these things.

Michael: We need to find him! We have to bring him home!

Emily: we will find him, but after that I think we need to get some help.

Michael: what do you mean “help”?

Emily: professional help. Honey, buddy is crazy.

Michael: Mom.

Emily: No, he is. We have to accept that.

Michael: He’s my brother

Emily: I know. You have a crazy brother. Lot’s of people do.

Michael: Just because somebody believes in Santa Claus, doesn’t mean they’re crazy.

Emily: Yes, it does.

Michael: No, it doesn’t.

Emily: Yes, it does

Micael: What about little kids? Are they crazy too?

Emily: It’s different. If a little kid believe in a talking purple dinosaur, it’s delightful. If he still believes when he’s 30, it’s profoundly disturbing. Look, just because buddy is crazy doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love him any less. I have a friend who’s a psychiatrist. You remember Barry? With the Ferrari? I’m going to give him a call right now. Maybe he can tell us where we should look for Buddy.

Deb: Well, it’s incredibly touching when you hear it from hungarian

Emily: Walter-

Walter: Emily, for god sakes, you have no idea how important it is that I continue working on this pitch.

Emily: No. We have to talk, Walter, Right now.

Walter: Fine. Deb, keep an eye out for Greenway, will you?

Emily: first of all, buddy is missing.

Michael: He ran away. He left a note on an Etch-a-sketch.

Emily: I brought it in the cab, but you know the slightest shake and those darn things erase themselves.

Michael: Buddy!

Emily: We were so worried! Are you okay?

Buddy: Well, I think I just broke up with my girlfriend.

Emily: Oh.

Walter: I quit. I actually quit my job.

Emily: I’ve never been more proud of you, Walter.

Buddy: you did?

Emily: He was flying around in his sleigh, with the red suit and the big sack of toys! The whole bit! And then he landed in central park! Walter, it was the most incredible-

Walter: oh, my god

Emily: That’s the guy! That’s the guy we saw in the sleigh! Flying! Right past our window! That’s him! Right there!

Michael: Oh, man! I can’t wait to tell the guys at school about this. They’ll freak!

Emily: Mr Claus? I have to tell you, i’m a huge, huge fan. At least I was. And now I am again! I loved you in Miracle on 34th Street.