Sex and Relationships exam 4

Define Power

An individual's ability to influence others

Define powerful

Able to influence others

Define dominance

The display or expression of power through behavior

Six Power Principles (ALL 6)

Power dynamics in close relationships can be conceptualized in terms of six principles.
1. Power as a perception
2. Power as a relational concept
3. Power as resource based
4. Power as having less to lose
5. Power as enabling or disabling
6. Power as a prerogative

Power Principle = 1. Power as a perception

Others are only powerful to the extent to which we think they are powerful.

Do we believe that the person has the ability to influence others?

Power Principle = 2. Power as a relational concept

- Power exists in all relationships

- People are most happy in equalitarian relationships

- Though most romantic relationships involve small power imbalances

Power Principle = 3. Power as resource based

More resources = more power (ability to influence others).

Traditionally conceptualized in terms of money. This narrow conceptualization has been criticized.

Parenting ability, physical attractiveness, communication skill, sexual rewards

The scarcity hypothesis = People have the most power when the resources they possess are hard to come by or in high demand.

Power Principle = 4. Power as having less to lose

In a relationship, the person with less to lose has a greater amount of power.

Dependence power: People who are dependent on their relationships and have low quality alternatives are in a powerless position

Principle of least interest: the person who is more attracted and/or more in love has less power

Power Principles = 5. Power as enabling or disabling

The use of power can be used constructively (enabling) or destructively (disabling)

Enabling:
People who communicate dominance in a socially skilled manner are more successful influencing others and tend to have satisfying relationships.

Disabling = alienating, repelling, prone to resistance. Associated with poor relational satisfaction.

1. Emotional insensitivity - ignoring the feelings of others

2. The chilling effect: the less powerful person often hesitates to communicate grievances to her or his partner

Power Principles = 6. Power as a prerogative:

the partner with more power can make and break the rules

Characteristics Powerful Speech

- self-focus
- more talk time
- redirection of conversation away from topics others are discussing
- interruptions

Powerless Speech

- Less persuasive and influential
- Communicates uncertainty
- Characterized by the prominent use of hedges and tag questions

Types of Powerless Speech

Hedges and Tag questions

Hedges:
qualifying statements that give the sender or receiver an "out."
"I'm probably way off base here, but ..."

Tag questions:
asking people to affirm that you are making sense or that they understand you.
"... do you know what I mean?"

Investment Model of Relationship-Maintaining Behavior

Define

Predicts that level of commitment helps to buffer relationships against the effects of transgressions.

Commitment is key from bouncing back from transgressions

Investment model of relationship

3 General components

1. Satisfaction
2. Investment
3. Quality of alternatives

Investment model of relationship

1st Component: Satisfaction

- Based on rewards, costs, outcomes, comparison levels
-Outcome = Reward-cost ratio, rewards should out number costs for satisfying relationships
- Comparison levels affect relational satisfaction by comparing your relationship with others

Investment model of relationship

2nd Component: Investment

-Unrecoverable inputs that individuals deposit into relationships
- Intrinsic investment= resources put directly into the relationship (time, effort, mainly intangible)
- Extrinsic investments= Resources developed over time as result of being in the relationship (possessions, social networks)
-High investment results in commitment

Investment model of relationship

3rd Component: Quality of Alternatives

- If you think you have poor alternatives (you can't do better, this is better than being alone) this predicts commitment

-good alternatives = less commitment

Pro relationship behaviors

Behaviors used intentionally to maintain relationship
1. Deciding to Remain in relationship
2. Accommodating the partner by acting constructively
3. Derogating alternatives (finding faults with other potential partners)
4. Willing to make sacrifices
5. Perceiving relationship superiority

Model of accommodation

Define

- Extension of Investment model of relationship maintaining behavior

- When people are in problem, this predicts if people will use constructive or destructive responses

Model of accommodation

If people have low commitment =

Destructive responses

EX:
- Exiting relationship
- Antisocial communication
- Neglect

Model of accommodation

If people have high commitment =

Constructive responses

Examples include
- Problem solving
- Affection
- Assurances

Remedial Strategies

Define

Behaviors individuals use to correct a transgression.

Purpose is to:
- Restore positive face
- Repair relationship

Remedial Strategies

Types

1. Apologies
2. Appeasment (transgressor attempts to compensate for the wrongdoing)
3. Explanation (admit responsibility)
4. Denials (argue that they should not be held responsible or refute its occurrence)
5. Avoidance

Characteristics of forgiveness

1. Acknowledgement of harmful conduct
- One or both partners must acknowledge wrongdoing
- What is okay in one relationship could be wrong in another

2. An extension of undeserved mercy
- Hurt person must extend mercy to partner to make "I forgive you" meaningful

3. An emotional transformation
- Hurt people letting go of negative feelings

4. Relationship renegotiation
- Forgiveness entails renegotiating one's relationship rules and expectations

Reintegration in the social network

Sometimes reconciling with your partner is only the first step

Repair work has to occur to be reaccepted into the family and friends.

Top reasons couples get divorced

1. Infidelity and interest in a third party
2. Incompatibility
3. Alcohol and drugs

Communication patterns that predict dissolution

withdrawal, negative communication, lack of verbal and nonverbal intimacy, abusive communication

3 Reasons People Stay with their Abuser

1) financial dependence
2) family history of violence
3) psychological variables (self-esteem)

Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce

children of divorced parents are more likely to get divorced themselves; interpersonal behavior/comm. skills are best explanation for this

CHAPTER 13

Below

Relational transgression

Define

occur when individuals break implicit or explicit relational codes of conduct or upset relational expectations
- rules
- expectations

Three common relational transgressions

1. Insensitivty to partner's feelings or needs

2. Deception

3. Infidelity

Where do the hurt feelings must commonly come from in transgressions?

Hurt feelings tend to occur in relational contexts

Although strangers and acqueantances can cause hurt feelings, the most intense experiencces of hurt feelings tend to come from close friends, family members, and romantic partners.

Why do hurt feelings take place in relational contexts?

1. Expectation of closeness and positive behaviors

2. Interpersonal knowledge

What three variables predict the intense hurt feelings?

1. Ability to respond
- When people feel like they lack the ability to respond to a hurtful event, their hurt is usually intensified

2. Perceived intentionality
- When people feel that a relational partner did something on purpose to hurt them, their hurt is usually intensified

What are hurtful messages?

Verbal messages that elicit physchological pain

Usually associated with insensitivity to partner's feelings.

Effects of hurtful messages

The effects of hurtful messages often persist for a long period of time.
May be recalled even years after the event.

The interpersonal damage caused by hurtful messages can be permanent.

3 types of hurtful messages

1. Evaluations
Negative judgements of worth, value, quality, appearance
"You have weird feet. They look like Flinstone feet."

2. Accusations
charges about a person's faults or negativeactions
"You are a horrible person."

3. Informative statements
Disclosure of unwanted negative information
"I only slept with you to get back at your roommate."

Responses to hurtful messages

Active responses

Def = confronting a partner about his/her hurtful remarks.

Often used in satisfying relationships.

asking for an explanation
"Why did you say that?"
Attacking the other person
Defending the self

Responses to hurtful messages

Acquiescent responses

Def: giving in and acknowledging the partner's ability to hurt you.

Often used when people are deeply hurt by a partner
An individual may be so stunned by the hurtful event that all they can do is acquiese

Crying
Apologizing
"I'm sorry I made you feel that way."
"Ok, we will do what you want."

Responses to hurtful messages

Invulnerable responses

DEF: acting unaffected by the hurtful remark

- Ignoring hurtful message, laughing it off, being silent
- Usually happens in public situations

Deception

Define

Occurs when people intentionally manage messages so that a reciever will believe or understanding something in a way that the resiever thinks is false

Deception

5 General types

1. Lies
2. Equivication
3. Concealment
4. Understatement
5. Exaggeration

Five types of deception

1st type: Lies

the information given is opposite or clearly different from what the reciever perceives as the truth

Five types of deception

2nd type: Equivocation

the information given is indirect, evasive, and/or ambiguous.
Q: "Do you like my girlfriend?"
A: "She's very pretty!"

Five types of deception

3rd type: Concealment

: important information about an issue is left out

Five types of deception

4th type: Understatement

: certain details of an issue are downplayed

Five types of deception

5th type: Exaggeration

: information is overstated; details are sometimes added

Three motivations of deception

3 general motivations

1. Partner Focused
2. Self-focused
3. Relationship-focused

Three motivations of deception

1st motivation: Partner Focused

Avoid hurting partner
Help partner maintain self-esteem
Avoid worrying partner
Protect partner's relationship with a third party
can sometimes be viewed as socially polite and relationally beneficial

Three motivations of deception

2nd motivation: Self-focused

Protect face needs
ENHANCE or protect own self-image
Shield self from embarresment or criticism

Generally perceived as a more serious transgression because the deceiver is acting for selfish reasons

Three motivations of deception

3rd motivation: Relationship-focused

using deception to limit relationship harm by avoiding conflict or relational trauma (partner and self-focused motivations may also come into play*)
Relationship maintenance
Managing dialectical tensions
Example: autonomy/connection: deceiving a partner to spend time alone.
*Can be beneficial or harmful

Can we tell when our partner is deceiving us?

Maybe

However, deception detection accuracy is generally low (50% to 60% accuracy)

Yes:

Advantages of relational closeness - helps us detect deception
Behavioral familiarity
We know how our partner typically behaves

Informational familiarity
We have information about our partner.

No:

Disadvantages of relatinal closeness - hinders our ability to detect decaption

the truth bias
A tendency to judge more messages as truths than lies when liking is present.

Behavioral control
Partner's ability to control behaviors to appear truthful

Positive Deceptions

In certain situations that do not relate directly to the relationship or one partner's view of the other, deception may help couples avoid arguments and hurt feelings.*

Especially true of partner-focused deception.

Example:
Q: "Do you like my new haircut? I really like it a lot."
A: "It looks great!" (you do not like it).

Negative deceptions

Deceptions about topics that have a significant negative impact on the relationship (relationship-focused), or one partner's view of the other (self-focused).

Examples:
*Infidelity, addication, financial issues

When people perceive their partners as dishonest, they report less relational satisfaction and commitment


Deception is a leading cause of conflict and breakup in relationships.

3 Types of infidelity

1. Sexual infidelity
- Occurs when someone engages in sexual activity outside committed relationship

2. Emotional infidelity
- Occurs when someone is emotionally attached to or "in love with" a potential rival

3. Communicative infidelity
- Occurs when a people engage in sexual activity with a third party to communicate a message to their partner

How common is infidelity among married couples?

Have you had sex with someone other than your spouse while married?
17.5% of married individuals said "yes."

Why does infidelity occur?

- Relational dissatisfaction***
- Boredom/need for excitement and variety
- Wanting to feel attractive
- Sexual incompatibility
- Revenge

Discovering sexual infidelity

1. Finding out from a third party or witnessing the infidelity firsthand
- MOST relationship damage
- UNEXPECTED
- Perception of INTENTIONALITY

2. Having the partner tell you on her or his own
- LEAST relationship damage
- Suggests partner feels guilty

3. Having the partner admit to infidelity after you question him or her
- Falls in the terms of relational damage

Jealous thoughts

Primary Appraisals
- General evaluations about the existence and quality of a rival relationship, including the degree of the threat from the third party.
- Ask himself questions like this: "Has Ava been seeing Jack behind my back?" and "Could Ava still love Jack?"

Secondary Appraisals
More specific evaluations of the jealousy situation, including possible causes and outcomes. Use the following to gather information:

1. Motives for partner's interet?
- Why is my partner interested in the rival?
- Real or imagined interest
2. Comparisons to the rival
- Am I better than the partner?
3. Evaluation of alternatives
- What would I do without my partner? Be single? Date someone else?
4. Assessment of potential loss
- How devastated would I be without my partner?

Communicative responses to jealousy

1. Constructive Responses:
- Integrative communication
- Compensatory restoration

2. Destructive responses:
- Negative communication
- Violent communication
- Counterjealousy inductions

3. Avoidant
- Silence
- Denial

4. Rival-focused
- Signs of possessions
- Derogating competitors
- Surveillance
- Rival contacts

Obsessive Relational Intrusion

Define

Repeated and unwanted pursuit and invasion of one's sense of physical or symbolic privacy by another person, either stranger or acquaintance, who desires and/or presumes an intimate relationship.

Obsessive Relational Intrusion

Components of ORI

1. Lack of mutual agreement regarding the nature or even the of a relationship.

2. ORI is not associated with a singular event, but is repeated

3. Intrusion can be symbolic and physcological not just physical

Obsessive Relational Intrusion

Reasons for ORI

1. Relational scripts, particularly those regarding the establishment of romntic/sexual relationships, often idealize and reward persistence

2. Indirect or ambigious communication

Relational goal pursuit theory

Theory explains why Obsessive Relational Intrusion behaviors occur

1- People expend energy to develop or iniate relationships to the extent that they perceive a relationship is desirable and attainable
2- When a relationship is perceived to be unattainable, people abandon their original goal and seek an alternative
3- ORI behaviors are most likely when people continue to believe a relationship is attainable even though it is not.

CH. 15

BELOW

Brain after breakup

like being addicted to cocaine

Duck's Process Model of Dissolution DEFINITION

Focuses on communication processes that occur prior to, during, and after breakups.

Stage Model
Limitation: not all relationships go through neat stages

Duck's Model

5 General phases

1. Intraphysic
2. Dyadic
3. Social
4. Grave Dressing
5. Resurrection

Ducks model

1. Intrapsychic phase

IN YOUR HEAD
- Triggered by relational dissatisfaction or discomfort
- There is something wrong. Partner keeps it to him/herself. Rumination occurs

Phase can involve:
- Mentally weighing costs and rewards of relationship
- Withdrawal, being secretive, and contemplation

Ducks model

2. Dyadic Phase

Presentation of disatisfaction to partner
- Arguments and discussions about what is wrong

- Could go either way = could solve problem and process stops here OR could lead to realizing relationship is not worth saving, moving on to stage 3

Ducks model

3. Social Phase

Couple "goes public" about the problems in their relationship.
- Social networks (friends and family) find out about their relationship problems.

Phase can involve:
- Seeking support
- Complaining about partner
- Face saving efforts (telling one's side of the story)
- Preparing social networks

Ducks model

4. Grave Dressing Phase

Focus on coping with the breakup in a socially acceptable way
- Partner creates an acceptable story about there other

Phase can involve:
- Developing and refining the "breakup story" for different audiences"
- more face-saving communication (often differs for the initiator vs. the dump)

Ducks model

5. Resurrection phase

- Finding closure and moving on

Phase includes:
- Visualizing the future without the partner
- Taking lessons away rom the experience
- Revising the breakup story
- Exploring new alternatives

What is sudden Death?

Relationship ended because of a single critical event

Event include:
Infidelity
Serious arguments
Violence

Negative outcomes of relationship breakups

1. Negative emotions, physical symptoms
- Depression, anger, guilt, confusion
- Emotional pain can feel like physical pain

2. Loneliness
- loss of confidence

3. Financial consequences
- Two living situations instead of one
- Legal fees
- Alimony
- Child support

All are influenced by:
- Level of support from social network
- Level of continued connection/ attachment to former partner

GENERAL Negative Outcomes of Relationship breakups

Effects on children
Health Consequences

Negative Outcomes of Relationship breakups

Effects on children

Living with feuding parents versus dealing with a divorce
- Better for children having divorce than living with parent with constant conflict
- Children of divorce more likely to get divorced

Negative Outcomes of Relationship breakups

Health Consequences

Divorced people have more health problems than married, single, dating, or co-habitating people

GENERAL Positive Outcomes of Relational Breakups

Personal Positives
Relational Positives
Environmental Positives
Future Positives

Positive Outcomes of Relational Breakups

Relational Positives

Knowing more about how to communicate with romantic partners
Gaining more knowledge about how to develop, maintain, and terminate relationships

Positive Outcomes of Relational Breakups

Personal Positives

Increased self-sufficiency
Understanding that you are able to handle life on your own

Positive Outcomes of Relational Breakups

Environmental Positives

Being able to concentrate more on school, work, and friends

Positive Outcomes of Relational Breakups

Future Positives

Knowing what one wants (and does not want) in future relationships.

Ways to classify Breakups

Direct vs. Indirect (common)
Unilateral (common) vs. bilateral

Direct way to break up with someone

Unambiguous verbal communication

Indirect way to break up with someone

Ambigiuous verbal (e.g. hinting) and non-verbal communication

Unilateral way to break up with someone

From one person (more common)

Bilateral way to break up with someone

Joint decision

GENERAL Unilateral, indirect strategies for ending relationships

Relationship ruses
Avoidance
Cost escalation

AVOIDANCE - unilateral, indirect strategies for ending relationships

- most common
- uncertainty producing, distressing
- Often used in conjunction with another strategies
- Trying to give them a hint

Unilateral, indirect strategies for ending relationships

1. Manipulating partner
- Having a third partner break up
2. Leaking the breakup to social network
- Creates network, other people know before the dump

COST ESCALATION - unilateral, indirect strategies for ending relationships

Making being in the relationship less desirable
- Acting like a jerk

GENERAL unilateral, direct strategies for ending relationships

Direct Dump
Dates with other people
Justification

DIRECT DUMP - unilateral, direct strategies for ending relationships

Can be hard to hear if unexpected.
Little uncertainty
Often used if other strategies have not worked

DATES WITH OTHER PEOPLE - unilateral, direct strategies for ending relationships

"Lets date other peopple

JUSTIFICATION - unilateral, direct strategies for ending relationships

Explanation of why partner wants to break up.
Low possibility of uncertainty
Potentially less face threatening

GENERAL - bilateral, direct strategies for ending relationships

Blame Game

BLAME GAME - bilateral, direct strategies for ending relationships

Partners blame each other for breakup
Potentially face-saving
Usually full of conflict