Dotty - Act One

It's no good you going on. I can't open sardines and answer the phone. I've only got one pair of feet. Hello... Yes, but there's no one here, love... No, Mr Brent's not here... He lives here, yes, but he don't live here now because he lives in Spain... Mr Philip Brent, that's right... The one who writes the plays, that's him, only now he writes them in Spain... No, she's in Spain, too, they're all in Spain, there's no one here... Am I in Spain? No, I'm not in Spain, dear. I look after the house for them, but I go home at one o'clock on Wednesday, only I've got a nice plate of sardines to put my feet up with, because it's the royal what's it called on the telly - the royal you know - where's the paper, then...?... And if it's to do with letting the house then you'll have to ring the house-agents, because they're the agents for the house... Squire, Squire, Hackham and who's the other one...? No, they're not in Spain, they're next to the phone in the study. Squire, Squire, Hackham, and hold on, I'll go and look. Always the same, isn't it. Soon as you take the weight off your feet, down it all comes on your head.

Entrance Monologue

And I take the sardines. No, I leave the sardines. No, I take the sardines.

After Monologue

Oh yes, I put the receiver back.

You leave the sardines, and you put the receiver back.

And I leave the sardines?

And you leave the sardines.

I put the receiver back and I leave the sardines.

You leave the sardines.

We changed that, have we, love?

Right

That's what I've always been doing?

No, love.

How about the words, love? Am I getting some of them right?

I shouldn't say that Dotty my precious

Only it's like a fruit machine in there.

Some of them have a very familiar ring

I open my mouth, and I never know if it's going to come out three oranges or two lemons and a banana.

I know that Dotty.

I'm holding the receiver.

Anyway it's not midnight yet. We don't open till tomorrow. So you're holding the receiver.

Squire, Squire, Hackham, and hold on, don't go away, I'm putting it down. Always the same, isn't it. Put your feet up for two minutes and immediately they come running after you.

'Squire, Squire, Hackham, and hold on...'

Come back?

Hold it, Brooke. Dotty!

The newspaper? Oh the newspaper.

Yes, and you go out with the newspaper.

Sorry, love.

Here you are, love.

It's all those words my sweetheart.

Well, we are all thinking of it as the technical. Aren't we love?

Coming up like oranges and lemons.

Don't worry about the words, Dotty, my pet.

That's right my sweet. Isn't that right, Lloyd?

No, but here we are, we're all thinking, my god, we open tomorrow, we've only had a fortnight to rehearse, we don't know where we are, but my God, here we are!

Dotty: So there I am, holding the receiver. I put the receiver back and I leave the sardines.
Clackett: Always the same story, isn't it...

You're out. OK. I'll call again. And on we go. So there you are holding the receiver.

Dotty: I leave the sardines, I take the newspaper.
Clackett: Always the same story, isn't it. It's a weight off your mind, it's a load off your stomach.
Dotty: And off at last I go.

And you take the newspaper.

Now I've lost the sardines...

Fantastic

I'm not here. I'm off, only it's the royal you know, where they wear those hats, and they're all covered in fruit, and who are you?

I'm sorry. I thought there was no one here.

From the agents?

I'm from the agents.

Oh. Which one are you, then? Squire, Squire, Hackham, or Dudley?

Squire, Squire, Hackham, and Dudley.

Walking in here as if you owned the place! I thought you was a burglar.

I'm Tramplemain.

Clackett, dear, Clackett.

The bedroom? No, that's the downstairs bathroom and WC suite. And this is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crockett.

Only it's the royal, you know, with the hats.

She's not really here.

I'll have the sound on low.

Don't worry about us.

Only now I've lost the newspaper.

We'll just inspect the house.

I've forgotten the sardines.

Sardines! (Second)

We're not getting at you, Poppy, love. We think the sardines are lovely.

OK, it's all right for you. You're sitting out there. We're up here. We've got to do it. Plus we've got bags, we've got boxes. Plus doors. Plus words. You know what I mean?

We can't start changing things now, love!

So what do you want to change, Garry? The bags? The boxes? The doors?

Absolutely happy, Lloyd, my love.

Much better. As long as Dotty's happy.

Anything, Lloyd, my sweet.

Will you do something for me then, Dotty, my precious?

Sardines...Sardines...It's not for me to say, of course, dear, only I will just say this: don't think twice about it--take the plunge. You'll really enjoy it here.

She has been in the family for generations.

Won't she love?

Oh. Great.

And we'll enjoy having you. Won't we love?

Yes. Well. Yes!

Sardines, sardines. Can't put your feet up on an empty stomach, can you?

Terrific.

Wait till we've got to Stockton-on-tees in twelve weeks time.

This is such a lovely company to work with. It's such a happy company.

I thought he was in front, with you?

Poppy!

Half a chance, he would.

I'm sure he wouldn't. Not at a technical.

He shouldn't have been out of sight! I said, he must never be out of sight!

Oh. Right.

You've looked in the lavatories?

He's not in the dressing room.

And the scenery dock and the prop room and the paint store?

Yes.

No, it's my fault, Lloyd, my love.

Ring the police. Finished the doors? Right, get the Burglar gear on. I'm sorry Dotty, my love.

'Let's give him one last chance,' I said. 'One last chance!' I mean, what can you do? We were in weekly rep together in peebles.

I cast him.

I'm not trying to make my fortune.

We know that, Garry, love.

I just wanted to put a little something by.

Of course you're not, Dotty.

But he was standing right there in the stalls before we started! I saw him!

Yes, you couldn't expect Brooke to keep anyone in sight.

Where have you been, Selsdon?

My word, Selsdon, you gave us a surprise. We thought you were... We thought you were... not here.

Go back to sleep.

Sit down, my precious.

What I did with that first lot of sardines I shall never know.

Inland Revenue may hear us!

Oh, you give me a turn! My heart jumped right out of my boots!

Mrs. Clackett!

I thought you was in Spain!

We thought you'd gone!

Oh, like that, is it? The income tax are after you?

We're not here!

All right, then, love. You're not here. I haven't seen you. Anybody asks for you, I don't know nothing. Off to bed, are you?

They would be, if they knew we were here.

That's right. Nowhere like bed when they all get on top of you. You'll want your things, look.

Well...

Oh, and that bed hasn't been aired, love.

Oh. Yes. Thanks.

I've put all your letters in the study, dear.

I'll get a hot water bottle.

Not the ones from the income tax, dear. I don't want to spoil you holidays.

Letters? What letters? You forward all the mail, don't you?

I've put them all in the pigeon house.

Oh good heavens! Where are they?

In the little pingeonhouse in your desk, love.

In the pigeonhouse?

Selsdon!

Selsdon!

Sardines here. Sardines there. It's like a Sunday school outing. Oh you're still poking around, are you?

One has certain obligations.

In the airing cupboard, were you?

Yes, still poking...well, still around.

Clackett, dear, Clackett.

No, no. Well, just checking the sheets and pillowcases. Going through the inventory. Mrs. Blackett...

I haven't seen no one, dear.

Mrs. Clackett. Is there anyone else in the house, Mrs. Clackett?

Voices? There's no voices here, love.

I thought I heard voices.

Oh good Lord above, the study door's open.

I beg your pardon?

Oh yes, and that reminds me, a gentleman came about the house.

'... final notice... steps will be taken... distraint... proceedings in court...'

He says he's got a lady quite aroused.

Don't tell me. I'm not here.

All right, love. I'll let them go all over, shall I?

Leave everything to Squire, Squire, Hackham and Dudley.

So I'll just sit down and turn on the... sardines, I've forgotten the sardines! I don't know-- if it wasn't fixed to my shoulders I'd forget what day it was.

Let them do anything. Just so long as you don't tell anyone we're here.

Mind where you put youe feet, my love.

It was probably on 'Why did I lock the door?' She opens her eyes sort of, you know. Don't you, my sweet? I always feel I ought to rush forward and--

Oh my poor darling! You stood on his hand!

Sorry

Where was it, love?

She's found it!

'Adjust to retirement'

Hard to what?

Oh, yes, dear, it's all nice and paranormal.

... And the prospective tenant naturally wishes to know if there is any previous history of paranormal phenomena.

Flown about? No, the things move themselves on their own two feet, just like they do in any house.

I mean has anything ever dematerialized before? Has anything ever... flown about?

No, no, there's no one in the house, love.

I'd better warn the prospective tenant. She is inspecting the study. There's a man in there!

I can't see no one.

Look! Look! He's... searching for something

Now what?

You can't see him? But this is extraordinary! And where is my prospective tenant? I left her in there! She's gone! My prospective has disappeared! Oh my god.

Where?

There!

Oh, the sardines.

The sardines!

I can see the sardines. I can see the way they're going, too.

You can see the sardines?

I'm going to be opening sardines all nights, in and out of here like a cuckoo on a clock.

I'm not letting these sardines out of my hand. But where is my prospective tenant?

No other hands, thank you, not in my sardines, 'cause this time I'm eating them.

I'm sorry about this. I don't know who she is. No connection with the house, I assure you. Whereas this good lady with the sardines, on the other hand...

Oh, we get them all the time, love. They're just Arab sheets.

Mrs. Clackett, who are these people?

Oh, the thieving devils!

They're Irish sheets! Irish linen sheets off my own bed!

You give me that sheet, you devil! Oh, and there she stands in her smalls, for all the world to see!

In the study, however...

Well, would you believe it?

Our little Vicki, that ran away from home, I thought I'd never see again!

You take all the clean sheets!

Trousers!

It's usually Poppy. Isn't it, love?

I thought it was going to be Poppy when he finally, you know.

Yes, why Brooke?

But why pick on, you know?

A little thing? Lloyd and Brooke... ?

Trying to pretend they're not having a little thing together.

... put the set up back-to-front.

Good Lord. You mean, that's why he wasn't here when poor old Tim...

Oh no!

I think I'm going to be sick.

Yes, sit down, love!

I think I'm going to faint.

Two weeks' rehearsal, that's all we've had.

Hush, love.

Here he comes. Is she all right, love?

Oh, yes. Sh!