The Day The Internet Died

Connie CONNIE CORNBALLs LINES.

(SHELLY: Thank you, Jasmine. For sharing that very boring and quiet dance that we all hated. It was slow and not set to music or edited, which we all agree is bad. But it did remind us of what we’re missing. Which is TikTok. Which is everything. Would anyone else like to speak?") SPEAK AFTER THIS!

CONNIE: “Hey Everyone. Connie here. AKA Connie-Connie-CornDog. And as you all know, I’m a prank-Toker. And my most popular videos are when I prank my dad. But since the internet has gone out I feel like I’m realizing that what I’ve actually been doing...is torturing my dad? He told me that ever since I started posting CornDog pranks that feature him, that he can’t sleep at night. He lays awake in fear that I’m gonna run in with my phone and...throw paint on him. Or scream in his face wearing a Freddy mask. Or just blow an airhorn in his ear. But apparently all these Tok-pranks have really taken a toll on him. He’s had three heart attacks in the past year, including one last week! He’s in the hospital right now! Which I never even noticed because I was so busy responding to fans on Tok. And it’s made me wonder...am I just a bad person? Should I not be CornDogging my dad all the time?”

SHERIFF: Yes. That is definitely a crime. It’s breaking and entering. As well as harassment. And Derek.) SPEAK AFTER THIS!

BEEKERBROS77$$:“Lookatmynametag,noob!BEEKERBROS77$ $ is who you’re talking to.

(SHERIFF: Yeah, I’m not calling you that. Derek, you have also been accused of harassment, as well as disturbing the peace.) SPEAK AFTER THIS!

BEEKERBROS77$$: “Your face sucks and so does your badge. Get a real badge, Sheriff!”

(SHERIFF: Ah! What the—?) SPEAK NEXT!

CONNIE: “You just got CornDogged! Ha ha! Still got it! Connie-Connie-CornDog!!!”