CFS135 Ch. 8 (Exam 3)

The Grief of a Parent

Grief

• Emotional, cognitive, & behavioral process of coming to terms w/ unmet expectations

  • Deeply personal & variable

Unmet Expectations

• Moments when reality does not match what a parent believed would happen

  • A constant part of parenthood

Expectations of children you love:

• People expect their children to be healthy, successful, similar in values, & to share a close relationship

• When these expectations are not met, parents feel grief, sadness, fear, disappointment, or even anger

Why unmet expectations are central to parenthood:

• Parents always carry conscious & unconscious expectations

• Parenting inevitably includes moments where reality does not match those expectations, making grief universal

Medical advances creating modern expectations:

• Antibiotics (1928–WWII) & childhood vaccines (polio, smallpox, measles) created the expectation that children will survive childhood & be generally healthy

Damaging outcomes for unmet expectations about sexual orientation & religion:

• Rejection of LGBT youth is linked to higher rates of depression, suicide attempts, & long-term family conflict

• Religious disagreement leads to anger, disappointment, & emotional distance

  • Other subjects: academic performance, career choices, lifestyle, values

Implications of grief being natural, optional, & variable:

• Grief is not a fixed stage process

  • People grieve differently & can get “stuck” if they refuse the process

Acknowledgment

• Noticing & reflecting a parent’s emotional state so they feel seen

  • ex: “That must be difficult to accept”

Validation

• Communicating that the parent’s feelings are understandable & reasonable

  • ex: “I can see why you’d feel that way”

Parents’ emotional state when seeking help:

• Parents seeking parenting advice (informal or formal) are in a moment of vulnerability—life is not going as planned, & they feel overwhelmed & unprepared

Parenthood as identity:

• Parenting consumes time, identity, & emotional energy

• Parents often feel uncertain & powerless about whether they are “doing a good job”

Parenthood Difficulty vs. Expectation

• Research shows parents experience more stress, anxiety, depression, & lower happiness than nonparents—contradicting expectations that parenthood is purely joyful

Unexpected timing of parental depression:

• Mothers are most likely to suffer depression when children are in middle school rather than infancy, due to tween behavior & parental midlife transitions

Getting “stuck” in grief:

• Parents who refuse to process unmet expectations may damage relationships with their children (ex: rejecting LGBT youth)

Benefits of Grief

• When processed, grief can deepen relationships, increase empathy, & help parents connect w/ children as they truly are

Purpose of acknowledgment & validation:

• These help parents face painful emotions so they can think clearly & make positive changes

• They free parents to explore their situation w/o defensiveness