Mrs. White Clue Highschool Version

Do come in, madam. You are expected.

Do you know who I am?

Only that you are a socialite to be known this evening as Mrs. White.

Yes. It said so in my letter. But, why-?

May I introduce you? Mrs. White this is the maid, Yvette. I see you two know each other.

We’ve never met.

Champagne?

I think not.

Please, warm yourself in the lounge.

Why? Do I look cold?

A bit. I’ll be right with you. This way please.

Oh. Hello.

Hello. Pleased to meet you.

I’m rarely pleased to meet anyone. More?

Oh my, look at the detail of this molding; this is quite a magnificent mansion, isn’t it..Who are you!?

Welcome to the party.

Mrs. White

Yes.

You’ll find your names beside your places. Please be seated.

Where is my tag? (ad lib)

Seven is my lucky number.

A seventh guest? I thought you said we were all here?

Oh my, this soup is delicious, isn’t it? Yum, yum, yum, yummy, yummy, yum, yum.Well somebody’s got to break the ice, might as well be me. I mean, I’m used to being a hostess, it’s part of my husband’s work, so I’m perfectly prepared to get the ball rolling, I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we’re doing all doing here but I’m determined to enjoy myself and I’m very intrigued and oh, my, this soup is delicious isn’t it?

You say you’re used to being a hostess, Mrs Peacock?

Mrs. White-what does your husband do?

Nothing

Nothing at all?

Well, he just lies around on his back all day.

Is that an official diagnosis?

Are you a doctor, Professor?

In psychological medicine.

Do you practice?

Not anymore. I currently work for the government.

Ah, another politician. 

Not exactly. I do research for U-NO WHO.

Who?

A branch of the United Nations Organization: the World-Health-Organization.

Ahh. “U-NO WHO.” It’s an acronym.

Hey, I’ve got an idea.

Oh yes, good thinking, Miss Scarlet.

All the guests have arrived as expected, sir. Everything’s going according to plan. We’ll meet you in the Study. 

We didn’t hear a thing. (ad-lib)

Can I interest any of you in fruit and dessert?

No!

It seems the six of you have all received the same letter. “It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Boddy will bring to end a certain long-standing confidential and painful financial; liability.”

Right/yes/indeed (Ad lib)

Anybody else wish to deny it? Until you received your letters, you hadn’t known who was blackmailing you. But now, I’m sure that even the least discerning amongst you has determined that the man behind your ransom…is Mr. Boddy himself.

You think I can’t handle a little blackmail?!

Precisely.

Don’t you think that you might spare us this humiliation?

How awful! You know, someday there will be a reckoning for women like you!

I hope so.

Now see here-

Well, I’m willing to believe you. I too am being blackmailed for something I didn’t do.

That’s why he’s lying on his back all day! He’s in a coffin.

Say what you want. I didn’t kill him.

Then why are you paying the blackmailer.

I don’t want another scandal, do I?

Another?

We had a very humiliating confrontation. He had threatened to kill me in public.

I think she meant he had threatened, in public, to kill her.

It was all over the papers.

And yet he was the one who died. Not you, Mrs. White, not you.

He was found dead at home. Unclothed. (then) But I didn’t do it. I’d been out all evening, at the movies.

What was showing?

A Naked Alibi.

But he was your second husband. Your first also disappeared.

That was his job-he was an illusionist.

But he never reappeared.

He wasn’t a very good illusionist.

All right, Wadsworth-so we’re being blackmailed by a renegade McCarthyist. Where does that leave us?

Where is this Mr. Boddy?

Indeed. All the doors are locked. The windows are barred. And the grounds are patrolled by vicious dogs. There’s no way out!

You can’t do this (ad lib)

How d’you do?

You're such a typical man! Better off dead!

There is one more piece of information you may like to have.

What?!

Oh goody. Policemen love me.

This is the kind of scandal I’m trying to avoid!

Unless…

Unless, what?

Because if you don’t, I’ll put this briefcase-containing all the evidence needed to expose your wrongdoings-in the hands of the police, the press, and the  House Un-American committee.Withe the right spin, those fellas can make a commie outta anyone. I think some of you would face a lifetime of jail, and others, a lifetime of shame.

This is ridiculous! (ad lib)

Unless…

Unless what?!

Well, there is something you could do for me that would change the game. Something I just can’t bear to do myself. 

What?!

Perfume?

Candy?

A revolver…

Ahhhhhhh! A snake! (Then) Oh, no. I't’s a Rope.

I wouldn’t have to double your payments if I didn’t have to pay Mr. Wadsworth for his silence.

Wadsworth?!

In fact if you eliminate Wadsworth…

Yes, I think that’s what he means.

A familiar refrain. Don’t make a scene, Wadsworth. The police are on their way. Now’s your chance. The only way for you to end your blackmail and avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Wadsworth…NOW!

It’s Mr. Boddy!

Stand back, I’m a doctor! He’s dead.

Who had the gun?

There’s no gunshot wound.

He’s right. There isn’t.

Something else must have killed him.

One of us must have killed him.

Well, don’t look at me! I didn’t do it!

Don’t look at me! (ad lib)

Of course I’m alive, you ee-diot! No zanks to you-Wadsworth! You’ve locked us up in zis house wiz a murderer!

So the murderer is here?

What body?

Boddy’s body!! But, Yvette, why were you screaming in there, all by yourself.

Who else could it have been?

Who else is in the house?

Only ze Cook.

ZE COOK!

Some defense! If I were the killer I’d kill you next. I said “if”. There’s only one admitted killer here, and it’s not me. It’s Mrs. White!

I’ve admitted nothing.

You paid the blackmail. How many husbands have you had?

Mine or other women’s?

Yours.

Five.

Five?

Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex-soft, strong, and disposable.

In the Study. Any one of us could have picked it up.

I didn’t see it. (Ad lib)

Nobody. No body. Mr. Boddy’s boddy. It’s gone!

Maybe he wasn’t really dead.

He was!

We should have made sure.

Who would move him?

And why?!

Just give me a clear answer! Is anyone else in the house?

No!

I’ll catch you! Sorry.

Mrs. Peacock?

Yes?

Where did this happen?

In the bathroom! I opened the door and there he was! At first, I thought he was attacking me, but then I realized he’d been left propped up against the door frame dead, just waiting to fall on someone.

Who would do such a thing?

I didn’t know it was a murder weapon when I dropped it!

So anyone could have picked it up?

Cool it, Butler! While you lose your marbles, I’m over here trying to do something useful! Have you all forgotten about the evidence against us?

The evidence!

Boddy’s briefcase is locked.

There must be a key!

Solid battlefield technique, Professor Plum. Never leave a man behind.

Cadavers are heavier than they seem, aren’t they?

I wouldn’t know.

Right. Me neither.

Upsy-Daisy.

Here, prop her up.

Aren’t you all strong and virile?

Good. They just look asleep.

Then we’ll zip up the bag.

Most murderers know how zippers work, Mr. Wadsworth.

Is that an original Trumbull, Mr. Wadsworth?

Those are quite valuable.

Now is not the time for art appreciation! Butler…

Ohhh

Yes! We’d want to keep him outside, wouldn’t we? If we open the door we risk letting him back in.

But maybe, if we open the door, we’d encourage the killer to go out!

Was that the killer?!

He didn’t look like a killer.

Riiiiight. There’s nobody in the Study.

No!!!

We’ll remember you fondly. Now, leave no door unopened. And…cherish your partner. This might be the last person you ever see. 

Go on. I’ll be right behind you.

That’s why I’m nervous.

But why? It’s just us. We’re alone.

That’s just it, Mrs. White. No man in his right mind would ever be alone with you.

Fine. You go in there and I’ll go in here. Are you going in?

Yes, are you?

Yes.

On the count of three. One…Three!

Nothing in that room.

Nothing in that room either.

Shall we search the Ballroom?

HELP! HELP! MURDER! MURDER!

LET US IN! LET US IN!

That’s right! I did! I do! I don’t! The keys are gone!

Gone?!

Ze safe. It was unlocked!

Unlocked!?!?

Impossible! I have the key! No I haven’t! It’s gone!

Gone?!

The Parker Brothers. Doorbell rings three times.

We shouldn’t open it. (Ad-lib)

I’m going to open the door.

No!

I got a tip about an abandoned car near the gates of this house. Did a motorist stop by for help, by any chance.

No.

There seems to be some disagreement. At any rate, can I come in and use the phone?

No!

It’s because our chandelier fell down.

Right. (Ad-lib)

All’s clear! You can come out now. Well done, all of you. Impressive!

Good job. Nicely done. (Ad-lib)

No! (Lights up)

Must have been a short in a wire. 

Let there be light!

Shhh…Do you hear that?