Nick- Something Rotten Act 1 lines

End of WTTR

Oh Noble Kinsmen that royal blood and love do bind. Seek now thy own succor, and flee thy native land. To die today twill not be done til dawn. ta-tee ta-tum, da-dee-da-dum and who talks like this? Nigel why can’t we just write like we speak?

Did I Miss my cue?

Robin what are you wearing? This isnt dress rehearsal.

Nick, I have a question about motivation

Yes?

Why haven’t you given up yet?

Peter! This one is working, I can feel it-it’s just missing something right here. Nige, help me out

Now that ive said it out loud it sounds stupid

Well, let me read it.

Its probably terrible

Let me see!

I don’t even know why you let me write with you.

Nigel, It’s good

Yeah?

It’s really good

Well I put a lot of layer in it…

One suggestion How about instead of “tombstones” he says “epitaphs”

Ooooo, yeah- thats better. Good one brother

Okay, everyone take your places. Lets try this. Let us talk of graves, of worms, of epitaphs, Make dust our paper, and with rainy eyes Write sorrow on the bosom of the earth. Yes! that is good! I’m starting to believe this is gonna be the bottom brothers’ first hit.

Pity we have to shut it down!

Lady clapham. What do you mean- shut it down?

Shakespeare???

Why is he doing Richard the 2nd?? He just did Richard the 3rd! Who goes backwards?

He breaks convention. That’s why he’s so great.

Oh yeah? Did you see Romeo and Juliet? Whats so great about two lovers who kill themselves in the end?

You should its life changing

Is it? “Love you, stab myself, drink poison, the end”

If he quits, we’re all out of a job

Lady Clapham, Please…

Write something originial - like the Bard!

The “Bard” Why is he the Bard? He’s uh bard. Just like I’m a bard, you’re a bard. HE’S JUST ONE OF THE BARDS!

He’s the bard because he does it all: Histories, tragedies, comedies

Comedies?? Name one thing of his that’s funny. Gimme a line, anything.

we should be colliers!”

That’s not funny! UGGGGHHHHHHHH….

Troupe says a bunch of things

It’s ok… don’t worr… Tom, it’s gonna be… quiet! Ill take care of it. come back tomorrow and well have a new idea. New idea New idea New idea We need a new idea.

whose mother died of a broken heart. How you atage 14 carried me, your sickly little brother on your back- all the way from cornwall

No. We gotta think bigger! We have to innovate. The world is changing. I recently heard about a man who has a toilet that flushes.

Really??? He doesn’t throw his shit into the streets.

No. He pulls a lever and it gets whooshed down a pipe… and then into the street. and that’s what we need. Something new.

You were doing better without me, oh god am I the problem?

No. Shakespeare is! Why did I ever suggest he become a writer? I was just trying to get him out of our troupe because he was so annoying. Now he’s like this giant sun… that… that

“shines so bright, no other star is seen”

See? That’s good! Which is why we work together. Now let’s get to it.

Nicholas Bottom

Shylock! What are you doing at my house?

Your debt is due

shhhhhh… I’ve, uh.. hit a little setback with the play. but- if you give me another week- I’ll name a character after you.

Cut me in as an investor in your play and i’ll cancel your debt.

You’re not a patron, you’re a money lender!

My religion is theater.

Wow, I had no idea. But I can’t, It’s illegal. If I let you invest we’d both be hanged at Tyburn.

Enter House

Hello, darling. How was your day?

Interesting. I went to the stocks and watched the mob throw cabbage at the criminals.

What’d you do that for?? You hate all that!

Boiled cabbage?

Ah. I see

Then I was gonna suprise you with some muttom- but sheep are fast

Wait , wh-you chased a Sheep? Alright, that’s it.

what are you doing?

Im just…

No! we’ve been through this, we do not touch the money box!

Come on, Bea… We shouldn’t have to live like this. You deserve better.

and that’s why I was thinking- I should get a job

What? No, If you get a job, that will just make me feel like a failure. None of the other writers’ wives have jobs.

I could be in your play.

What?? You can’t act. Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

Gotcha, see I can act.

You know it’s illegal to put women on stage.

What?

Not cancelled, Nige. That’s such a negative way to put it. I mean yes we are no longer doing richard the second but only because we’ve come up with.. a better idea

ohhhh, what is it?

Can’t say. Don’t want to jinx it.

so… there is no idea

Well, we’ve had the idea..

Then let me help you! I’ll go out and earn money and that’ll take the pressure off you guys

Bea listen..

End of Right hand man

What just happened?

I’d love to have someone to do stuff like that for me. I think it’s sweet.

It's humiliating. she goes out in the town square collecting old cabbage to feed us? What sort of husband am I? That’s why we need a new idea. One great idea can turn everything around. Oh, and we need it by tomorrow

Tomorrow? Oh God

Don’t

I just… I don’t think i can write under this sort of pressure

It’s okay. Breathe, breathe… I’ll… see what i can come up with, and we’ll start again first thing in the morning.

I love you so much

I love you, too. Now get some sleep

Lucky heather sir?

Thanks, but.. I need more than luck. Psst… Hey. I’m looking for a soothsayer.

supposed to be the best

“Out of business sue to unforeseen circumstances” So obviously not the very best.

I will be, I’m just being polite

Who are you?

I- am Nostradamas

The Nostradamus?

No im his nephew. Thomas

Thomas Nostradamus?

That was a freebie.

Uhhh… I’ll keep looking if you don’t mind.

but beware the sign of the black dog.

Right. Thank you. Good luck in the asylum. Half a crown you said?

Excellent! Now- What is it you would like the future to tell?

We’ll I’m a writer-

I knew that.

and I want you to look into the future and tell me.. What will the next big thing be? what audiences will be lining up to see.

Its Unbelievable!

What? What?

That much?? For a glass of wine??

How about what’s on the stage?

Whoa! What spectacle! I have seen the future!

What, what is it?

Musicals!

What?

Musicals

What the hell are “musicals”

It appears to be a play where the dialogue stops and the plot is conveyed through song.

Through song?

yes!

Wait, wait. So-an actor is saying his lines and then, out of nowhere. he just starts singing?

Portia!! Come away from that heathen at once!

Nigel! There you are. Big news

Me, too. I think I’m in love.

You?? With who? Wow. I guess a guy can only wait so long.

Not her. Her

A puritan? Are you mad?? Do you know who her father is?

For such sinful roleplay is the gateway to lustful desires and fantasies of the flesh.

You really want that guy giving a speech at your wedding reception?

C’mon Boys

Forget about her. It’ll never work. Now listen. You Know the big idea we’re looking for? Well I’ve got it

You have?

Yes. Now, I want you to listen with an open mind because it’s a bit radical.

Okay? What is it?

A Musical. It’s a play with songs- but the songs advance the plot and develop character as they seamlessly segue from dialogue into sining.

That… is… the most… amazing idea.

Yeah?

and you’re always writing songs on your lute

I already dusted it off and started banging out a few tunes. And all those poems of yours? there’s your lyrics!

Wow. It’s perfect for us. How did you come up with this.

That’s- not important. But this is good. Right?

Yeah “A Musical” I love it.

We just need to figure out what it’s about

I still say we should tell our….,

Please don’t say two brothers from Cornwall

Something from the heart

No! We need to think bigger. Was the Bible written from the heart?

well, I would hope so.

Okay, it probably was but my point is- Matthew, Mark, Luke? Those writers were writing about an event. Something big, epic, world-changing. I’ve got it. Yes! Why didn’t I think of this before?

What?

The most significant historical event in the last thousand years!

End Black Death

We’ll m’lady? what do you think

They’re singing

Right. That’s what you do in a musical.

But they’re singing about the plague

I Know! Shakespeare would never do something like this!

Because it’s a terrible idea! You’ll make me look ridiculous

But I can guarantee you- everyone will love it!

Nick and Nigel bottom

Almost everyone. Brother Jeremiah? To what do we owe the pleasure?

Pleasure is a sin. As is music, which I’ve heard emanating from this- den of iniquity

Den of iniquity? What makes you say that?

That’s it i’m out

But Lady Clapham….

Good. Day

Please Mam you can’t… UGHHHHHHH

You weren’t a grim reaper, you were like the annoying reaper… Everyone yells

WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN!!!!!!!! I’m on it.

Oh god, I cont take this, this is bad…

No, no, don’t go there. Breathe, breathe, walk it off

Watch it ya daft eejit

Sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.

Oy, darlings. Buy you a pint. eh? eh?

Bea?

Don’t know what yer talking about lad. Name’s Johnny

Bea, I know it’s you.

But I fooled you for a second, didn’t I. Told you I could act!

What the hell are you doing dressed like that?

“I don’t need help”

Bea, this just makes me feel- Is that a bucket of shit?

And look. I already made a penny. I’m gonna put it in the money box.

No! I mean… I’ll do it.

Nick! What are we going to

Keep writing. I’ll be back.

What??? Alone???

Nigel, please. I need you, now more than ever. I’ve got to go find us a new backerand that means you need to come up with a new idea. Please tell me I can count on you for that!

End of will power

Lady Clapham! Lady Clapham! We are no longer doing Black death so won’t you please reconsider reinvesting?

Im off to see richard 3

Oh yeah? Richard can’t find his horse then he dies.

I’m as strong as the next guy

Bea? What are you doing? I told you to cut this out!

Why aren’t they ever looking for good strong woman?

Because some jobs are just better suited for men. Nowgive me that. Whoa, so heavy…. You, okay?

You know how I’ve been having these wild mood swings?

No

YES YOU DO! I TOLD YOU ABOUT THEM

Oh god, you’ve got the plague