TGWDLM - Ted Spankoffski

Lines for Ted Spankoffski

Roles

• Infected 3

• Ted

• Homeless Man

• Smoke Club Kid

• Patron

• Dan

• PEIP soldier (Not Your Seed)

• Rod

PAUL: How about an iced caramel frappe? Nothin’ better! (He leaves Bill, but before he can reach the door, TED blocks his path) 

TED: Hey, you goin’ to Beanie’s? - Act 1, Scene 1

TED:  

PAUL: Yeah. 

TED:

PAUL: Sorry, Ted. You wanna come? 

TED:

PAUL: What do you mean? 

TED:

PAUL: (lying) I don’t wanna give my money to some corporate chain… 

TED:

PAUL: Alright. Bye, Ted. (He pushes past Ted and exits) 

TED:

Act 1, Scene 1

TED: Hey, you goin’ to Beanie’s? 

PAUL: Yeah. 

TED: (annoyed) You didn’t invite me. 

PAUL: Sorry, Ted. You wanna come? 

TED: (shrugging) No, no. I don’t wanna show you up. 

PAUL: What do you mean? 

TED: Paul, come on. I know why you walk the extra block instead of just going to the Starbucks across the street. 

PAUL: (lying) I don’t wanna give my money to some corporate chain… 

TED: Uh huh. Uh huh. You sure it doesn’t have something to do with that cute, little barista over there? The ‘latte hottay,’ as she is known throughout the land. 

PAUL: Alright. Bye, Ted. (He pushes past Ted and exits) 

TED: (calling after Paul) Hey! Get me a chai iced tea, eh?

PAUL: Sorry, Ted. You wanna come?

TED: (shrugging) No, no. I don’t wanna show you up. - Act 1, Scene 1

PAUL: What do you mean?

TED: Paul, come on. I know why you walk the extra block instead of just going to the Starbucks across the street. - Act 1, Scene 1

PAUL: (lying) I don’t wanna give my money to some corporate chain…

TED: Uh huh. Uh huh. You sure it doesn’t have something to do with that cute, little barista over there? The ‘latte hottay,’ as she is known throughout the land. - Act 1, Scene 1

PAUL: Alright. Bye, Ted. (He pushes past Ted and exits) 

TED: (calling after Paul) Hey! Get me a chai iced tea, eh? - Act 1, Scene 1

Act 1, Scene 1

Ted - the office, ‘latte hottay’.

PAUL: I give my money directly to the people who need it.

HOMELESS MAN: Spare change for the homeless? - Act 1, Scene 3

CHARLOTTE: Heavens to betsy. There’s some kinda terrible storm out there. I hope Sam’s alright.

TED: Fuck Sam. (Ted enters; he’s shirtless; he wraps his arms around Charlotte’s waist) Come back to bed, alright? - Act 1, Scene 3

CHARLOTTE: Heavens to betsy. There’s some kinda terrible storm out there. I hope Sam’s alright. 

TED:

CHARLOTTE: Alright, Ted… But this has to be the last time. 

TED:

Act 1, Scene 3

CHARLOTTE: Heavens to betsy. There’s some kinda terrible storm out there. I hope Sam’s alright. 

TED: Fuck Sam. (Ted enters; he’s shirtless; he wraps his arms around Charlotte’s waist) Come back to bed, alright? 

CHARLOTTE: Alright, Ted… But this has to be the last time. 

TED: (angrily) Sure, Charlotte! Just like last time was the last time! If you don’t like what we’re doing here, then there’s the door!

CHARLOTTE: Alright, Ted… But this has to be the last time.

TED: (angrily) Sure, Charlotte! Just like last time was the last time! If you don’t like what we’re doing here, then there’s the door! - Act 1, Scene 3

ALICE: Alright, Dad, we’ll meet you at the theatre, okay?

SMOKE CLUB KID: Take a hit, Alice. - Act 1, Scene 3

DEB: She doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to.

SMOKE CLUB KID: Come on, Deb! That’s not how it works! You’re either in the Smoke  Club, or you’re out! - Act 1, Scene 3

BILL: But it’s crab-fest! Alice, you’re killing me!

Enter as SMOKE CLUB KID. - Act 1, Scene 3

Act 1, Scene 3

• Homeless Man - Paul is confronted by the Greenpeace lady.

• Ted - fast-paced sequence, he’s sleeping with Charlotte.

• Smoke Club Kid - fast-paced sequence, offering Alice a joint.

DONNA: Luckily, proud papa Ed has been squirreling away on his Go-Fund-Me page to build Peanuts his very own, get this Dan, “squirrel-house.”

DAN: That’s amazing, Donna. - Act 1, Scene 4

Act 1, Scene 4

• Dan - news report on Peanuts the squirrel.

• Homeless Man - La Dee Dah Dah Day

End of La Dee Dah Dah Day

CHORUS: (spoken) Lights down! (They rush offstage) - Act 1, Scene 4

Start of Act 1, Scene 5

(Lights up on Bill, Ted and Charlotte in the CCRP office BREAK ROOM.)

PAUL: There was this  homeless guy and this very rude woman from Greenpeace doing this whole choreographed number… 

TED: (cutting in) Like a flash mob? - Act 1, Scene 5

PAUL: (nodding) Yeah. I mean, what else could it have been?

TED: Well, did you get a video of it? - Act 1, Scene 5

PAUL: There was this homeless guy and this very rude woman from Greenpeace doing this whole choreographed number… 

TED:

PAUL: (nodding) Yeah. I mean, what else could it have been? 

TED:

PAUL: No. 

TED:

Act 1, Scene 5

PAUL: There was this homeless guy and this very rude woman from Greenpeace doing this whole choreographed number… 

TED: (cutting in) Like a flash mob?  

PAUL: (nodding) Yeah. I mean, what else could it have been? 

TED: Well, did you get a video of it? 

PAUL: No. 

TED: You’re fucking useless, Paul. 

CHARLOTTE:  It’s Sam. My husband. He came home late last night… 

TED: (cutting in, chuckling) He didn’t get home at all. (Charlotte looks daggers at him; Ted hurriedly explains…) I heard. I wasn’t there. - Act 1, Scene 5

Act 1, Scene 5

Ted - the office, apotheosis has begun

Act 1, Scene 7

Patron - background customer in Cup of Roasted/Poisoned Coffee.

PAUL: It’s all downtown. We were just at Beanie’s!

(Ted pops out of the last trashcan,  again frightening Paul & Emma) TED: You didn’t invite me! - Act 1, Scene 8

PAUL: No. Emma stays with us.

TED: I don’t know her! - Act 1, Scene 8

PAUL: Yeah you do! She’s the barista from Beanie’s. You know… (he whispers) The ‘Latte Hottay.’

TED: Paul… That’s not the ‘Latte Hottay!’ That’s the crabby one that won’t sing when I tip her! You grabbed the wrong one, ya noodle! - Act 1, Scene 8

PAUL: It’s all downtown. We were just at Beanie’s!

TED:

PAUL: Jesus, Ted! 

TED:

EMMA: Uh, fuck you? 

PAUL: No. Emma stays with us. 

TED:

PAUL: Yeah you do! She’s the barista from Beanie’s. You know… (he whispers) The ‘Latte Hottay.’ 

TED:

Act 1, Scene 8

PAUL: It’s all downtown. We were just at Beanie’s!

(Ted pops out of the last trashcan, again frightening Paul & Emma) TED: You didn’t invite me! 

PAUL: Jesus, Ted! 

TED: Shh! Shut the fuck up, Paul! If you wanna stay in our hiding spot, you gotta be quiet! There’s something’s going on. We don’t know what it is or who we can trust! So, Paul, get in a trashcan. (points to Emma) You, beat it! 

EMMA: Uh, fuck you? 

PAUL: No. Emma stays with us. 

TED: I don’t know her!  

PAUL: Yeah you do! She’s the barista from Beanie’s. You know… (he whispers) The ‘Latte Hottay.’ 

TED: Paul… That’s not the ‘Latte Hottay!’ That’s the crabby one that won’t sing when I tip her! You grabbed the wrong one, ya noodle!

End of Show Me Your Hands

(As Sam advances on Charlotte, Ted bashes him over the head with a lid from one of the trashcans)

CHARLOTTE: Sam! Oh my God! Oh my God! His head is open! 

TED: I had to do something! - Act 1, Scene 8

CHARLOTTE: His brain fell out!

TED: Well, put it back in then! - Act 1, Scene 8

CHARLOTTE: I don’t know how! I’m not a doctor! 

TED: That’s not his brain, Charlotte! Look at it! It’s blue! - Act 1, Scene 8

CHARLOTTE: Sam! Oh my God! Oh my God! His head is open! 

TED:

(Charlotte picks up a handful of chunky, blue goo from Sam’s head) CHARLOTTE: His brain fell out! 

TED:

CHARLOTTE: I don’t know how! I’m not a doctor! 

TED:

Act 1, Scene 8

CHARLOTTE: Sam! Oh my God! Oh my God! His head is open! 

TED: I had to do something!

(Charlotte picks up a handful of chunky, blue goo from  Sam’s head) CHARLOTTE: His brain fell out! 

TED: Well, put it back in then! 

CHARLOTTE: I don’t know how! I’m not a doctor! 

TED: That’s not his brain, Charlotte! Look at it! It’s blue! 

EMMA: He’s like a… I don’t know. What do you call a guy who lives in a fortress? 

TED: A king. - Act 1, Scene 8

CHARLOTTE: The apocalypse? Is that what this is? Maybe we should go to a church.

TED: No, Charlotte! We’re all different denominations! We can’t split up! I’m a Presbyterian! There’s no way I’m dying in your dirty-ass Methodist church! I say we go to the panic room and beg for the king’s help! - Act 1, Scene 8

Act 1, Scene 8

Ted - jumping out from the trashcan, Show Me Your Hands, Sam’s brain fell out.

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Good God! Don’t tell me you brought one of them here! (The Professor pulls out his revolver and points it at Sam; the gang screams, throwing up their hands)  

TED: I told you we shoulda left him in that alley! - Act 1, Scene 9

CHARLOTTE: You’re a monster, Ted! 

TED: No! (pointing to Sam) He’s a monster! - Act 1, Scene 9

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Good God! Don’t tell me you brought one of them here! (The Professor pulls out his revolver and points it at Sam; the gang screams, throwing up their hands)  

TED:

CHARLOTTE: You’re a monster, Ted! 

TED:

Act 1, Scene 9

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Good God! Don’t tell me you brought one of them here! (The Professor pulls out his revolver and points it at Sam; the gang screams, throwing up their hands)  

TED: I told you we shoulda left him in that alley! 

CHARLOTTE: You’re a monster, Ted! 

TED: No! (pointing to Sam) He’s a monster!

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: You bet your ass we got booze! Come with me. (Hidgens leads Paul offstage; they are followed by Emma and Bill; Charlotte stays, gazing down at her husband with concern; Ted approaches her from behind, massaging her shoulders)

TED: Come on, Charlotte. I’ll make you a drink. We can relax. Talk. Fuck. - Act 1, Scene 9

CHARLOTTE: Ted! I can’t believe you’re thinking about that at a time like this. The world could be coming to an end!

TED: Hey, if I’m gonna die, I wanna go out doing what I love… Screwin’ around with another man’s wife. - Act 1, Scene 9

CHARLOTTE: Ted, you’re such a horny bastard! (She goes to slap him)

(Ted catches her arm; he pulls her in close) TED: Always have been. Always will be. - Act 1, Scene 9

CHARLOTTE: Wait! No! Ted, my husband’s brain fell out today! If I can’t be a wife to him now, what kind of woman am I?

TED: (frustrated) I don’t know, Charlotte! I’m not your therapist. Maybe you should go back to fucking him. I know that’s why you went to counselling! - Act 1, Scene 9

CHARLOTTE: I wanna make things work with Sam. I love him. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. 

TED: That guy’s a worthless scumbag. You could upgrade to a sleaze-ball (points to himself) But you refuse to be happy. (fed up) You know what, Charlotte? I’m done. Stay here with your dying marriage and your dying husband. I’m gonna go hit on that crabby barista. (He exits in a huff.) - Act 1, Scene 9

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: You bet your ass we got booze! Come with me. (Hidgens leads Paul offstage; they are followed by Emma and Bill; Charlotte stays, gazing down at her husband with concern; Ted approaches her from behind, massaging her shoulders)

TED:

CHARLOTTE: Ted! I can’t believe you’re thinking about that at a time like this. The world could be coming to an end! 

TED:

CHARLOTTE: Ted, you’re such a horny bastard! (She goes to slap him, but Ted catches her arm; he pulls her in close)

TED:

CHARLOTTE: And you know that’s why I can’t resist you! (They embrace passionately; coming to her senses, Charlotte pulls herself away) Wait! No! Ted, my husband’s brain fell out today! If I can’t be a wife to him now, what kind of woman am I? 

TED:

CHARLOTTE: That’s not the only reason! (She approaches her husband, running a hand across his cheek) I wanna make things work with Sam. I love him. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. 

TED:

Act 1, Scene 9

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: You bet your ass we got booze! Come with me. (Hidgens leads Paul offstage; they are followed by Emma and Bill; Charlotte stays, gazing down at her husband with concern; Ted approaches her from behind, massaging her shoulders)

TED: Come on, Charlotte. I’ll make you a drink. We can relax. Talk. Fuck.

CHARLOTTE: Ted! I can’t believe you’re thinking about that at a time like this. The world could be coming to an end! 

TED: Hey, if I’m gonna die, I wanna go out doing what I love… Screwin’ around with another man’s wife. 

CHARLOTTE: Ted, you’re such a horny bastard! (She goes to slap him, but Ted catches her arm; he pulls her in close)

TED: Always have been. Always will be. 

CHARLOTTE: And you know that’s why I can’t resist you! (They embrace passionately; coming to her senses, Charlotte pulls herself away) Wait! No! Ted, my husband’s brain fell out today! If I can’t be a wife to him now, what kind of woman am I? 

TED: (frustrated) I don’t know, Charlotte! I’m not your therapist. Maybe you should go back to fucking him. I know that’s why you went to counselling! 

CHARLOTTE: That’s not the only reason! (She approaches her husband, running a hand across his cheek) I wanna make things work with Sam. I love him. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. 

TED: That guy’s a worthless scumbag. You could upgrade to a sleaze-ball (points to himself) But you refuse to be happy. (fed up) You know what, Charlotte? I’m done. Stay here with your dying marriage and your dying husband. I’m gonna go hit on that crabby barista.(He exits in a huff.)

Act 1, Scene 9

Ted - entering Hidgens’ lab with dead Sam, Ted and Charlotte’s… sexy time.

Start of Act 1, Scene 10

(Ted sprawls on a couch clutching a bottle of bourbon.)

BILL: He said this was a full bar! How the hell am I supposed to make a Shirley Temple without any cherries?!

TED: Jesus Christ, Bill. It’s the end of the world and you’re gonna get your drink on with a Shirley fuckin’ Temple? - Act 1, Scene 10

BILL: Well, if it’s as serious as all that, then I figure we might need a designated driver!

TED: Oh, so when the cops pull you over, you can pass the breathalyzer before they infect with their nasty, blue shit?!? - Act 1, Scene 10

BILL: If you make one more crack at me, I am gonna… (Bill is flustered, clearly not in the habit of making threats) …do something… to you. 

TED: Oh yeah, Bill? What are you gonna do? - Act 1, Scene 10

BILL: I’m gonna… (he tries to come up with something clever and menacing, but eventually blurts…) Kick your… head. 

TED: Oh. You’re gonna kick my head? Not my ass? - Act 1, Scene 10

PAUL: Alright, you two, calm down! Ted, Bill’s not gonna kick your head. 

TED: Why not? It’s the most vulnerable part of the body. That’s what Sensei Bill taught me… - Act 1, Scene 10

PAUL: Okay, it was a dumb threat. Stop rubbing it in. I’m sure if he could do it over he’d say “ass.” 

TED: (shakes his head) Uh-uh. If you wanna kill a snake, what do you do? You cut off its head. Where’s the fish rot from? The head. Take out the head, and the whole thing goes down. That’s why a fisherman always goes for… the head! (he mimes a karate chop at Bill; Bill slaps his arm away) OUCH! Come on, Bill! - Act 1, Scene 10

PAUL: Gimme that… (Paul grabs the bottle of bourbon from Ted) This is supposed to relax us. Not make us kill each other!

TED: Whatever. (Ted heads back to the couch.) - Act 1, Scene 10

BILL: He said this was a full bar! How the hell am I supposed to make a Shirley Temple without any cherries?! 

TED:

BILL: Well, if it’s as serious as all that, then I figure we might need a designated driver! 

TED:

BILL: If you make one more crack at me, I am gonna… (Bill is flustered, clearly not in the habit of making threats) …do something… to you.

TED:

BILL: I’m gonna… (he tries to come up with something clever and menacing, but eventually blurts…) Kick your… head. 

TED:

BILL: Yeah! 

TED:

PAUL: Alright, you two, calm down! Ted, Bill’s not gonna kick your head. 

TED:

PAUL: Okay, it was a dumb threat. Stop rubbing it in. I’m sure if he could do it over he’d say “ass.” 

TED:

PAUL: Gimme that… (Paul grabs the bottle of bourbon from Ted) This is supposed to relax us. Not make us kill each other! 

TED:

Act 1, Scene 10

BILL: He said this was a full bar! How the hell am I supposed to make a Shirley Temple without any cherries?! 

TED: Jesus Christ, Bill. It’s the end of the world and you’re gonna get your drink on with a Shirley fuckin’ Temple? 

BILL: Well, if it’s as serious as all that, then I figure we might need a designated driver! 

TED: Oh, so when the cops pull you over, you can pass the breathalyzer before they infect with their nasty, blue shit?!? 

BILL: If you make one more crack at me, I am gonna… (Bill is flustered, clearly not in the habit of making threats) …do something… to you.

TED: Oh yeah, Bill? What are you gonna do? 

BILL: I’m gonna… (he tries to come up with something clever and menacing, but eventually blurts…) Kick your… head. 

TED: Oh. You’re gonna kick my head? Not my ass? 

BILL: Yeah! 

TED: Alright, let’s see it! Kick my head! Come on, karate champ! I wanna see you kick above your waste! Show me that round-house! Show me that sweeping crane kick your Kung Fu master taught you! (Bill and Ted look ready to go at it, but Paul  intervenes) 

PAUL: Alright, you two, calm down! Ted, Bill’s not gonna kick your head. 

TED: Why not? It’s the most vulnerable part of the body. That’s what Sensei Bill taught me… 

PAUL: Okay, it was a dumb threat. Stop rubbing it in. I’m sure if he could do it over he’d say “ass.” 

TED: (shakes his head) Uh-uh. If you wanna kill a snake, what do you do? You cut off its head. Where’s the fish rot from? The head. Take out the head, and the whole thing goes down. That’s why a fisherman always goes for… the head! (he mimes a karate chop at Bill; Bill slaps his arm away) OUCH! Come on, Bill! 

PAUL: Gimme that… (Paul grabs the bottle of bourbon from Ted) This is supposed to relax us. Not make us kill each other! 

TED: Whatever. (Ted heads back to the couch.)

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: I said sing, goddammit! (He cocks the shotgun.)

TED: (badly singing, only half-remembering the lyrics) Uh…  Moana!  

Make way! Make way! 

Consider a coconut, hoo-ha!  

Consider the leaves 

Our island gives us what we needs… - Act 1, Scene 10

BILL: It’s Alice. She’s still in Hatchetfield. Dang it! I’m taking the car. I gotta get to  Hatchetfield High. She’s locked herself in choir room…

TED: And you’re gonna save her?!? G.I. Bill? You’re gonna run and gun your way through a city full of singing-zombie-mother-fuckers? Wake up, Bill! She’s already dead. - Act 1, Scene 10

BILL: (rounds on Ted) Don’t you dare…

TED: You’re gonna get there, she’s gonna be dead, and you’re gonna die too. That’s exactly what’s gonna happen if you try to go back through downtown. - Act 1, Scene 10

BILL: (overwhelmed) Ok, this a lot of directions… 

TED: Don’t bother. He’s gonna get lost… - Act 1, Scene 10

EMMA: You are such a fuckin’ creep, you know that?

TED: Oh, I’m a fuckin’ creep? 

EMMA: Yeah. 

TED: I’m a fuckin’ creep?!? Listen, sweetheart, the world has changed. There are no creeps. There are no heroes. There are only people who are alive, and people who are fucking dead! And Bill’s daughter…? She’s dead. I’m just saying what we all know is true. Right, Paul?  

Act 1, Scene 10

Ted - kick your head, Join Us and Die, Moana, Bill planning to rescue Alice.

BILL: It’s Alice. She’s still in Hatchetfield. Dang it! I’m taking the car. I gotta get to Hatchetfield High. She’s locked herself in choir room… 

TED:

BILL: (rounds on Ted) Don’t you dare… 

TED:

Act 1, Scene 10

BILL: It’s Alice. She’s still in Hatchetfield. Dang it! I’m taking the car. I gotta get to Hatchetfield High. She’s locked herself in choir room… 

TED: And you’re gonna save her?!? G.I. Bill? You’re gonna run and gun your way through a city full of singing-zombie-mother-fuckers? Wake up, Bill! She’s already dead. 

BILL: (rounds on Ted) Don’t you dare… 

TED: You’re gonna get there, she’s gonna be dead, and you’re gonna die too. That’s exactly what’s gonna happen if you try to go back through downtown.

BILL: (overwhelmed) Ok, this a lot of directions… 

TED:

EMMA: You are such a fuckin’ creep, you know that? 

TED:

EMMA: Yeah. 

TED:

BILL: (overwhelmed) Ok, this a lot of directions… 

TED: Don’t bother. He’s gonna get lost… 

EMMA: You are such a fuckin’ creep, you know that? 

TED: Oh, I’m a fuckin’ creep? 

EMMA: Yeah. 

TED: I’m a fuckin’ creep?!? Listen, sweetheart, the world has changed. There are no creeps. There are no heroes. There are only people who are alive, and people who are fucking dead! And Bill’s daughter…? She’s dead. I’m just saying what we all know is true. Right, Paul?  

ALICE, DEB & INFECTED TEEN: You shall choke on your agony as you beg for apotheosis. (Paul has  nowhere to go; he curls into a ball; the teens close in…) 

(Just then, the doors to the school burst open… and SOLDIERS of the United States military rush in! They open fire on the alien doubles, who howl and scatter; BANG BANG BANG! A soldier points his gun at Paul, who throws up his arms) - Act 2, Scene 1

PAUL: Ah! Ah! Wait! Wait! I’m not one of ‘em! I’m human! I’m human!

(The soldier smacks  Paul in the face with the hilt of his gun; THUD!) - Act 2, Scene 1

Act 2, Scene 1

PEIP soldier - open fire on aliens, knock Paul out.

Start of Act 2, Scene 4

Emma and Ted sit unconscious, strapped to chairs.

EMMA: Hey. Hey!

(Ted comes to; he looks down to find himself trapped) TED: Wha… What the fuck? (Ted attempts to escape his restraints.) - Act 2, Scene 4

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: It’s 2018… and it can’t even blow itself up?!? Fucking piece  of shit!!! (He picks up the Alexa and smashes it on the ground) 

TED: Please! Just let us go, man! - Act 2, Scene 4

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: My first love was, and always will be… musical  theatre! (He rips the white sheet off what is revealed to be… a piano) 

EMMA: Oh, God no. 

TED: This guy’s fuckin’ nuts! - Act 2, Scene 4

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: They are drawn to music,  like a moth to the flame! (He cracks his knuckles and prepares to hit the keys) 

EMMA: Professor! Please! No! 

TED: Don’t fuckin’ do it! - Act 2, Scene 4

PROFESSOR HIDGENS: Do  mind if I give you the pitch? 

EMMA: We don’t have time… 

TED: (intrigued) Fuckin’ go for it. - Act 2, Scene 4, Show Stoppin’ Number Part 1

End of Show Stoppin’ Number Part 2

(As Hidgens dances with the infected, Ted looks up to the sky and begs…) TED: Oh God! Please! If you save me now, I promise I’ll be a better person!

(Just then,  Paul races in) PAUL: It’s ok, guys. I’m here. 

TED & EMMA: Paul! - Act 2, Scene 4

Act 2, Scene 4

Ted - tied to chair, Show Stoppin’ Number, Paul to the rescue.

Start of Act 2, Scene 5

Paul, Emma & Ted rush onstage.

PAUL: Oh shit! It’s 10:52. We’re gonna have to huff it.

(As Paul and Emma start to hurry off, Ted stops them) TED: Wait, Paul. I gotta say something. - Act 2, Scene 5

PAUL: Not now, Ted…

TED: Yes now! Today has… broken me. I’m ashamed of how I’ve acted earlier. (motioning to Emma) Hell, I wanted to abandon Erica back there. Paul, I wish I could be brave… like you. - Act 2, Scene 5

EMMA: Shut the fuck up, dude! We gotta go!

TED: See, I deserve any kind of abuse you wanna give me. I’ve been a grade-A asshole. But I swear I’m gonna be a better person. Because today has taught me what’s really important in life. It’s the people you care about. And Paul, I’ve always considered you my best friend… - Act 2, Scene 5

(Suddenly, an infected pops out of the door to Hidgens’s house and grabs Paul) INFECTED 2: RARGH!

(Ted immediately turns tail and runs for it) TED: OOOOOOOOOkay! I’m just gonna run away while they eat you! - Act 2, Scene 5

EMMA: Hey! Get back here and help, you coward!

TED: (as he runs away) I said I’d be a better person! I’m still not a good person! Bye! (Ted gets a safe distance away from them; he stops to catch his breath) Okay… Alright… I just gotta get to that chopper. (Just then, Ted hears the sound of marching troops; he looks off to see a group of approaching soldiers)  Woah! The military! Oh, thank God! Over here! I’m over here! (He waves his arms and hops up and down) Everyone else is dead. Just save me! (The soldiers, led by MacNamara file on; Ted approaches them) Oh, you guys are a sight for sore eyes. You know, I always support the troops. I bleed red, white, and… (Before he can even see it coming, MacNamara draws his pistol and shoots Ted in the head; BANG! As Ted’s dead body hits the ground, he’s surrounded by infected soldiers; music blares; Ted rises once more, now an undead part of the alien brood.) - Act 2, Scene 5

PAUL: Oh shit! It’s 10:52. We’re gonna have to huff it.

TED:

PAUL: Not now, Ted… 

TED:

EMMA: Shut the fuck up, dude! We gotta go! 

TED:

(Suddenly, an infected pops out of the door to Hidgens’s house and grabs Paul) INFECTED 2: RARGH!

TED:

(Emma calls after Ted as she attempts to pull Paul from the infected’s grasp) EMMA: Hey! Get back here and help, you coward! 

TED:

Act 2, Scene 5

PAUL: Oh shit! It’s 10:52. We’re gonna have to huff it.

(As Paul and Emma start to hurry off, Ted stops them) TED: Wait, Paul. I gotta say something. 

PAUL: Not now, Ted… 

TED: Yes now! Today has… broken me. I’m ashamed of how I’ve acted earlier. (motioning to Emma) Hell, I wanted to abandon Erica back there. Paul, I wish I could be brave… like you. 

EMMA: Shut the fuck up, dude! We gotta go! 

TED: See, I deserve any kind of abuse you wanna give me. I’ve been a grade-A asshole. But I swear I’m gonna be a better person. Because today has taught me what’s really important in life. It’s the people you care about. And Paul, I’ve always  considered you my best friend…

(Suddenly, an infected pops out of the door to Hidgens’s house and grabs Paul) INFECTED 2: RARGH!

(Ted immediately turns tail and runs for it) TED: OOOOOOOOOkay! I’m just gonna run away while they eat you!

(Emma calls after Ted as she attempts to pull Paul from the infected’s grasp) EMMA: Hey! Get back here and help, you coward! 

TED: (as he runs away) I said I’d be a better person! I’m still not a good person! Bye! (Lights fade on Emma & Paul as Ted gets a safe distance away from them; he stops to catch his breath) Okay… Alright… I just gotta get to that chopper. (Just then, Ted hears the sound of marching troops; he looks off to see a group of approaching soldiers) Woah! The military! Oh, thank God! Over here! I’m over here! (He waves his arms and hops up and down) Everyone else is dead. Just save me! (The soldiers, led by MacNamara file on; Ted approaches them) Oh, you guys are a sight for sore eyes. You know, I always support the troops. I bleed red, white, and… (Before he can even see it coming, MacNamara draws his pistol and shoots Ted in the head; BANG! As Ted’s dead body hits the ground, he’s surrounded by infected soldiers; music blares; Ted rises once more, now an undead part of the alien brood; MacNamara steps forward and begins to sing…) 

EMMA: Who’s General MacNamara? 

PAUL: He was a good man. (One of the soldiers accompanying MacNamara spots Paul and shouts…) 

INFECTED SOLDIERS: Sir! It’s Paul! - Act 2, Scene 5, America is Great Again

Act 2, Scene 5

Ted - Ted gives his ‘better person’ speech, gets shot, America is Great Again.

Start of Act 2, Scene 8

Lights up on the STARLIGHT THEATER. The entire place is crawling with the infected  chorus. They dance in from every direction, singing… - Let Him Come

PAUL: Bill! St… Stay back. (Paul grabs one of the grenades from the belt strapped to  his chest and threatens to pull the pin.)

(Just then, an alien double of Ted appears.) TED: Watch out, Paul. He might kick your head. - Act 2, Scene 8

PAUL: Doesn’t matter what I want. 

BILL: We think it does, Paul.

TED: And we wanna hear about it. - Act 2, Scene 8

Act 2, Scene 8

Ted - Let Him Come, Let It Out

NEWS NARRATION: This is Clivesdale Morning News with Rod and Racheal.

ROD: It’s been two weeks since tragedy struck our sister city of Hatchetfield. Candlelight vigils line the streets as Clivesdale citizens try to make sense of this unspeakable loss. Every last man, woman, and child in Hatchetfield gone in the blink of an eye. A meteor and a ruptured gas line was all it took to wipe them off the map. But it will take much, much more to wipe them from our hearts. - Act 2, Scene 9

Act 2, Scene 9

• Rod - news report on devastation

• Ted - Inevitable

Act 1 Scenes + Roles

• Prologue: Infected 3

• Scene 1: Ted (office)

• Scene 3: Homeless Man (Greenpeace scene), Ted (sleeping with Charlotte), Smoke Club Kid (offering Alice a joint)

• Scene 4: Dan (Peanuts news report), Homeless Man (La Dee Dah Dah Day)

• Scene 5: Ted (office, apotheosis beginning)

• Scene 7: Patron (Beanie’s, Cup of Roasted/Poisoned Coffee)

• Scene 8: Ted (trashcan, Show Me Your Hands)

• Scene 9: Ted (Hidgens’ lab, sexy Charlotte time)

• Scene 10: Ted (kick your head, Join Us and Die, G.I. Bill)

Act 1 Scenes NOT IN

• Scene 2: Beanie’s, Emma meets Paul

• Scene 6: What Do You Want, Paul?

Act 2 Scenes + Roles

• Scene 1: PEIP soldier (shoot infected teens, knock out Paul)

• Scene 4: Ted (tied up, Show Stoppin’ Number)

• Scene 5: Ted (motivational speech, gets shot, America is Great Again)

• Scene 8: Ted (Let Him Come, Let It Out)

• Scene 9: Rod (Hatchetfield news report), Ted (Inevitable)

Act 2 Scenes NOT IN

• Scene 2: Hidgens and Emma talk

• Scene 3: Paul and Macnamara talk

• Scene 6: Paul and Emma in helicopter

• Scene 7: Helicopter crash, Emma stabbed, kiss (almost)

Prologue

Infected 3 - The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals