STUART LITTLE LINES

I'm stewing it I'm stewing it

SHOW STARTS

Actor 1…

Good morning.

ACTOR 4: Hello.

Actor 1…

Nice day.

ACTOR 4: Not at first.

Actor 1…

I thought they were kidding.

ACTOR 2: So did I.

Actor 1…

But it’s true.

ACTOR 2: Have you heard?

Actor 1…

If you’ve heard, raise your hands.

ACTOR 2: Maybe we should tell them.

Actor 1…

I agree.

ACTOR 4: You can tell them.

Actor 1…

Why don’t you tell them?

ACTOR 4: So, where should we begin?

Actor 1…

How about—at the beginning?

ACTOR 4: —the adventures of—

All…

—Stuart Little!

STUART: Thank you, thank you. You’re more than kind. I’m delighted to be the second son of—

Mr. Little…

Mister—

MRS. LITTLE: And Missus—

Mr. Little…

Frederick C. Little.

MRS. LITTLE: Did you notice, dear? Our new baby is not much bigger than a—

Mr. Little…

He has the sharp nose and the long tail of a—

DOCTOR: … it is very unusual for an American family to have a mouse. Even in New York.

Mr. Little…

Temperature—?

MRS. LITTLE: Stuart, I made you a fine little blue worsted suit with patch pockets—

Mr. Little…

Where you can keep your handkerchief, your money, and your keys.

GEORGE: And to his brother, George. That’s me—the other son.

Mr. Little…

Because he’ll be able to do things a mouse can do.

GEORGE (ping pong ball): Thanks, Stuart.

Mr. Little…

Stuart, your mother just dropped her wedding ring down the bathtub drain. Could you be a good fellow and fetch it out?

STUART (wedding ring): I’ll try, Dad.

Mr. Little…

Why was Mother wearing her ring in the bathtub?

MRS. LITTLE: Isn’t he terrific?

Mr. Little…

A fine fellow. (PAUSE) But there will be problems of course.

MRS. LITTLE: No child’s perfect.

Mr. Little…

And one of those problems we’ll have to deal with right away.

MRS. LITTLE (the problem): What’s that, dear?

Mr. Little…

There must be no references to “mice” in our conversations.

MRS. LITTLE: I know. (Rips songbook)

Mr. Little…

Dear, what are you doing with that songbook?

MRS LITTLE: Getting rid of a song.

Mr. Little…

What song?

MRS LITTLE: “Three blind mice, see how they run.”

Mr. Little…

Good idea. We don’t want our son to grow up fearing that a farmer’s wife is going to cut off his tail with a carving knife. And I guess we’d better do something about this, too. (TAKES BOOK) “Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house—”

MRS LITTLE: We can’t say mouse. How about… louse?"

Mr. Little…

“Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house—”

MRS LITTLE (finishing line): “Not a creature was stirring—”

Both…

“Not even a louse.”

BOTH: “Not even a louse.”

Mr. Little…

I do believe that’s a good substitute.

MRS LITTLE: I’ll just rub out mouse and replace it with louse.

Mr. Little…

You know the thing that worries me the most?

MRS LITTLE (about what worries him): What’s that, dear?

Mr. Little…

That mouse hole over there. Stuart does look a good deal like a mouse. And I’ve never seen a mouse yet that didn’t like to go into a hole.

MRS LITTLE: There will be problems.

Mr. Little…

No child’s perfect.